Standard Disclaimers Start Applying Now Authored by Godsend777 All Situations Just Happen "Klaxons scream throughout NERV. The siren alerts people of what's going on. The klaxons are red. Red, the color I hate. The color of blood. The scent of a woman who does not bleed..." "Rei, we're on full alert here, so could you stop zoning off?" Misato's voice came through the mini-viewscreen. "Sorry." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- EVANGELION - STRANGELY DARKFIC PART 1 "I LOVE YOU. I WOULD DATE WITH YOU." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- "What's the status of this new angel?" Asuka asks, very annoyed. "Why are you so pissed off? I thought you liked fighting Angels?" Ritsuko says. "Not when it infringes upon me and Shinji's 'quality time.'" Asuka responds with a hmmph. "Maybe you and Shinji should spend less 'quality time' together, and more time with his dear, dear mother." Yui interjects. At this, Asuka blushes. "Uh-umm, W-where is that baka, anyways?" "He said he'd be late." Misato says. "Something about being tied up at the moment." Asuka's face deepens to the same color as her plug-suit. "Oops." "Are you guys ready to fight?" "Yes, Misato." "Yes." "Good. Now the target is in sub-orbit over Tokyo-3. Your job is to provide as convenient cannon-fodder until it comes down here. But be warned!" "Of what?" "Aside from its horny appearance, it's also carrying a bokken." "A bokken?" Asuka asks. "Yes." "..." "Captain! I've just received word that Touji is on his way down, and Shinji is following bare-assed behind him!" "Quick! Switch to external feed!" Asuka demands. Hyuuga, not really wanting to get into an argument with a forty-story giant red robot, and remembering the previous installment's ATFielding, obeys. The Command Center's Video Display shows Touji running through NERV gates, followed by a kinkily dressed Shinji. Several females drool over Shinji's 'Tree of Life.' Some of his relatives, too, though I ain't sayin' which ones. "I wish I could start the Third Impact with that..." Aoba sighs. Everyone stares at him in disbelief. "Sorry, I had to say something reminiscent of 'Is Nothing Sacred?' Lord knows the only reason this is getting written was because people actually liked that piece of shit." "Piece of what?" The writer asks. "Magnificence, my-one-and-only-God-next-to-Anno. Absolute magnificence." "Is 'magnificence' a real word?" "You're writing this." "True. Back to work all." "I'm really getting sick of him." Yui states. "Ummm...Back to the situation at hand." The angel pleads. "Oh, Right! Evas 00 and 02, sortie!" The release bolts on the catapults blow, sending Evas 00 and 02 flying upward. The shutter doors open automatically, and guide rails pop out of one of them. Eva-00 safely arrives to the surface. Eva-02, however, skyrockets into the air like a firecracker lit from a toad's ass. Uhh...disregard that. Eva-02 flies into the air like a graceful eagle without wings. Soaring higher, it grabs a progressive lance from a shoulder compartment and brings it up in a position to strike the angel. It seems it's about to be a perfect strike when Asuka's luck suddenly changes. "STRIKESTRIKESTRIKESTRIKESTRIKESTRIKE!!!" The angel yells. 'AAAHHHHHHHH!!" Asuka screams, and Eva-02 is suddenly thrown backwards by thousands of blows at its most vital spots. It plummets towards the Earth, the grim realization of its fate at hand, when it is suddenly caught by Eva-01 flying with its kick-ass energy wings. "Shinji!" Asuka screams happily. "Asuka! Are you okay!?" Shinji yells back. "I am now that you're here..." Eva-02 leans into Eva-01's embrace, its head on Unit 01's shoulder. Cherry blossoms fall in the background. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- NERV Command "I wonder how Eva-01 can function without you in it, Yui." Misato states, looking up at Eva-01 and Eva-02 in the sky. "Uhhh...Ritsuko?" Yui asks, sweatdropping heavily. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- "AAAHHHHHHHH!!" Shinji and Asuka scream as they fall to the ground. Misato had unfortunately stated a fact the writer overlooked earlier, and now they are paying the price. Thus, they kept falling until Unit-01 grabbed ahold of Unit-02 and positioned itself under it, taking the full brunt of the impact. "Shinji!?" Asuka turned on her viewscreen and looked at him. He was apparently unconscious from taking the fall. Since she had landed on him, she was fine. Seeing he was okay, she pulled out a pallet gun from a nearby storage building and waited for the angel to descend further. Eva-00 and 03 follow suit. The angel sees this and decides to change its tactics. Shining its light on Eva-02, it begins to pierce Asuka's mind. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The angel that had the unfortunate destiny of hosting Tatewaki Kuno's mind smiles. Before SEELE had sent him to Tokyo-3, they gave him the 'Light of Judgement.' They added, 'Take care of NERV, then you can settle up with Ranma Saotome.' Yes, the 'Light of Judgement' would be a useful tool in smiting the foul sorcerer. HAHAHAHA! Now, with the click of a switch, this first one would fall to his mighty prowess. Flicking the switch on the flashlight, he feels connected to the pilot's mind for three seconds. Then the batteries give out, leaving its moronic owner vulnerable. He bangs the flashlight against one of his horny protrusions, but it still doesn't turn on. 'That normally works.' The Shooting Star of Heaven thinks. Opening his mouth, he lets out a mighty roar. "SASUKE!" While screaming his servants' name, he becomes aware of three positron rifles clicking into position. "Oy Vey." The sound of an explosion fills the sky as Kuno is blown to several small bits of Angel Dust. Hyuuga and Aoba quickly run outside to gather up some the substance, since the raw stuff is worth three times normal street value. The city of Tokyo-3 was quite happy for the following week. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Misato's Apartment "Alright!" the purple-hued vixen screams. "Another angel dead, another party about to START!" She does a few Slayer symbols and shakes some boo-tay. "Misato, please," Shinji begs, leaning on Asuka. "I've got a terrible headache from the battle, and I just want it to be quiet for a bit." Behind him, Touji and Hikari nod in assent. Kensuke just stands there. "Wow, Ikari! You're so lucky you pilot an Eva!" "Shuttup, Kensuke." "I'll get an icepack." Asuka offers, disengaging from her boyfriend. After her and Hikari disappear into the kitchen, Touji pulls Shinji aside. "So what's going on between you, her and Rei?" "Yeah, Shinji, when we pick you up in the morning, sometimes Rei is here." Kensuke joins in. "And on those mornings, you all have this weird, satisfied smile on your faces. Normally it's just you and the beast, but it's been all three kinda recently." Shinji begins to shrink under the attack. "And," Kensuke adds, "Isn't there a restraining order on Rei?" Shinji gulps, cracking even further under their pressure. "So tell us, Ikari," The two chime in unison. "Just what is going on between the three of you?" "Nothing you and Hikari don't do!" Asuka jumps in, scaring the fool trio. "Asuka, you said you wouldn't tell anyone..." Hikari says, blushing. But the redhead continues her assault. "Or Kensuke and his Sailor Moon standup." Then walking over to Shinji, puts an icepack on his head. "There, there, let's get you to bed." They disappear into Shinji's room. "As for you, Suzuhara, time for a lecture on how boys should act!" Hikari speaks, reverting back to her bossy tone. Grabbing him by the ear, she leads him out the door. "But what am I supposed to do?" Kensuke asks himself. "Here, have a beer." "Thanks, Misato! You wanna get drunk and have sex?" "Sorry, Kensuke, but this isn't Garden of Eva. Why don't you try asking Rei out?" "Hmmm..." The young poster child for military boys promptly gets lost in thought. After a while of listening to Pen-Pen play Shinji's cello (an amazing feat, I might add), Kensuke finally asks the question this scene was written for. "So where is Rei anyways?" "I don't know. Ritsuko said she had to talk with her..." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Ritsuko, Yui, and Fuuyutsuki stand before Rei in one of the many science labs sitting around NERV headquarters. "So, Rei, do you know what I called you here for?" "This is about Maya, isn't it?" Rei responds. "Yes, this is my revenge on you, you little slu-" "RITSUKO!" Yui yells. "I will not have you calling my 'daughter' names!" "DAUGHTER!?!" Rei blurts out. "Yes, Rei," Ritsuko grins. "You are a clone of Yui, and -" "I know I'm a clone, get to the point." The girl huffs out. "Well, genetically speaking, and taking your age into effect, you are SHINJI'S SISTER!!" Ritsuko cackles maniacally and points her finger at the young eva pilot. Rei's face turns, um, whiter than usual. (Is that possible?) "Then all the stuff we've done together..." "Is considered extraordinarily disgusting in many cultures, except those of Jurai and England." Ritsuko adds. "What stuff?" Yui and Fuuyutsuki ask. "Well..." As Rei goes into great detail about menage a trois', bondage fairies, and one of the three known copies of the German Kama Sutra, the others listen. Fuuyutsuki nearly dies of a nose bleed, Yui alternates between shock and note-taking, and Ritsuko grins proudly at her handiwork. At the end of the tale, Rei breaks down, swearing never again to touch Shinji in a sexual manner. Several miles away, Asuka starts to feel really happy. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Reaching into the dimensional portal that stayed in her apartment since the end of the last series, Misato grabs another six-pack of beer. "So you have a means of traveling to other dimensions, being able to bring stuff back, even to a certain extent control those dimensions, and you're using it as an unlimited beer supply?" Kensuke asks. "Yup, pretty cool, huh?" Misato beams back to him. That 'are you an idiot!?' look appears across Kensuke face. Then, shrugging it away, finishes off his beer. He writes down a tally of what's been drunk thus far. Kensuke: 1 Misato: 1,087 "You can really put it away, can't you Misato?" "Yeah, but it's all Kaji's fault. If he hadn't gotten me drunk that night, this would never have happened." "Gotten you drunk? Then you don't mean-" "Yep. My virginity was lost to Kaji after twenty-two beers and a bottle of Zima." "Misato, don't use product placement in a fanfic, it's bad taste." Kensuke lectured. "Sorry. Well, since nothing else is going on, I'll relate to you every intimate detail starting with how he slowly slipped off my-" The door to Shinji's room opened as Asuka walked out of it. This snapped Kensuke back to reality, as he was listening very intently to Misato's story. "Get back to Shinji's room!" He screamed. Unfortunately, no one pisses off the redhead, and he was booted from the apartment via Takahashi Throw - The Fastest Way to Travel. "So how's Shinji?" Misato asked, popping her 1,088th beer. "He's fine. Sometimes this seems like it's all a dream..." Asuka talked about how 'lovey' and 'peachy' everything was in a tone that would have given even Hikari diabetes. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The writer stared hard at Eva-01. He wondered how he had lost his ability to write even a halfway decent pile of humorous crap. He realized it had been sucked into Eva-01 along with Shinji in both 'Dead Children' and 'The Death of One.' He sighed. "I've been writing too much serious stuff lately. Can't make fun of anything anymore." He said. Pausing, he thought of an idea. Perhaps if he went into Eva-01 and got it back. Nah, there was no way in hell he was going inside. They had Eva pilots for that sort of thing. Of course, he didn't have Eva pilots. He had Annogelion and a cute pre-reader. "And I can't lose the pre-reader...Hmmm..." Finally arriving on some coherent thought, he summoned the comatose being known as Annogelion. Annogelion flopped down before him. He would have stood, but he's comatose. So he hefted the small, fat, purple Eva over his shoulder (hey, it's Kubo in an Eva costume, alright?) and pulled the switch on the entry plug. Tossing him in like yesterday's dirty laundry, he hit the rinse cycle and awaited the 400% synch ratio. After the loud buzzing noise that signaled the 400% synch ratio, as well as his laundry being done, he plucked out watever writing talent he could find and his Ghost in the Shell T-shirt, and left. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- SEELE Chamber's Kihl Lorenz propped his feet up on the table before. Pulling out a pair of toe-nail clippers, he began trimming away all sorts of nasty foot-fungus. To his right, the French representative painted his fingernails, and generally put on some make-up. Going even further around the table, one would see the Russian rep drinking vodka and watching porn with the American rep, while the English rep drank some tea with his pinky extended. "Frenchie." He called out to the French rep. "Biscuit-Biter." The French rep replied. "Breadstuffer." "Anal Reaver." "Bonesmoker." "Pillow-biter." "Gerbil-lover." "Felching Fiend." "Candy-ass Pu-" "Oh, for the love of Yahweh, cut it out!" Kihl screamed. "Our scene starts in two minutes, and I have to get my toenails clipped!" "Actually," the Russian rep called out. "It started a few seconds ago." He swigged some vodka, then handed it to the American rep. "Shit!" Kihl swore. "Damn! Salvage this scene as best as possible, and everyone get new names so we're not insulting any more nationalities!" As SEELE scrambles to get into place, the writer takes a minute to wonder where the hell this is going. "Ahem! We're in place." Kihl begins. "Oh, go ahead." The writer says. "Damn NERV!" Kihl states. "They've defeated all the angels we've sent and depleted our funds!" "Yes," The French rep says while drumming his fingers together, "We must find a way to make them pay." "Wait, wait, wait! Let's get some names here." Kihl points at The French rep. "You're Mr. Burns. The Russian rep, Boris; American rep, George Lucas; and wussy English guy, Lyn Anouihl." "Excellent." The French rep states. Boris takes a swig of vodka. George Lucas pulls out a lightsaber. Lyn wonders if Aoi is busy. "Now, what is the first order of business." "Well, we should send one more angel to allow the Eva series time to be complete." Mr. Burns says. "Good idea. Any nominees?" "Yes. We fished this thing out of the ruins of Old Hollywood." George Lucas flops a giant anaconda onto the table. "What the hell!?" Kihl shouts. "Look," Lyn begins, "The budget is shot. We're down to this anaconda, our choices of three mind implants, and five buckets of Glow in the Dark paint. We have little choice at this point." "Fine. What are the choices for the mind implants?" "A snake, a garden hose, and Pauly Shore." Boris slurs. "Gah! We'll go with the smartest one. Put in the Garden Hose!" "Fine, just give us a hand with this paint!" Mr. Burns screams. "We'll get you for this, NERV!!!" Soon, all the members of SEELE paint the snake Glowey-White(tm). ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Meanwhile, Rei was stalking the streets, trying to find a way to tell Shinji this disturbing news. As luck and convenient self-insertion fanfic writer placement would have it, she bumps into the writer, who is currently coming out of a 'Star Wars: Episode One' showing. "Glk....too...much...JarJar...." "Hey, what are you doing here!" Rei asks. "Feel sick...need...good fanfic..." "Oh, alright, here." Pulling out her internet printed copy of 'The Saga Continues', she hands it to the writer. The writer reads the fanfic, and barfs all over the pages. "I said a GOOD fanfic!" "Sorry, but Shinji and I get together in that one." "Nevermind, I keep a copy of HERZ on me for such an emergency." The writer quickly pulls out a page, then sighs in relief as good characterization and plot fill his head. "That's better." He lets out. "So what are you doing here? I thought you hated gratuitous self-insertion?" "I do, but only when you insert yourself, or a character based off yourself to score with the Eva chick of your dreams." "Which is why you barfed on 'The Saga Continues.'" "Exactly." "You're not getting any." "I don't want any." The writer dusts off his Ghost in the Shell T-shirt. "I just wanna tell cheap jokes and make your lives a living hell." "Gee, thanks." The blue-haired girl says sarcastically. "So, how would you like Shinji back?" Rei stops to think about the situation a little, eyes wide with hope. But luckily (for her) she has a good, cautious side to her. (Author's Note: DAMN HER CAUTIOUS SIDE!!!) "What do you mean?" "Well, I've been thinking about a little continuity restructuring for the third and final story arc, 'Shinji Ikari in Love,' and I was wondering if you would like to go back to how it was last episode? You can't have him totally, I am a Shinji/Asuka fan after all." "I'll give you forty bucks." Rei says. "Deal! Although I'm not sure if accepting money from fanfic characters is more pathetic than trying to score with them, but deal! But are you sure you want to do this?" "Hmmm..." Rei's thought processes flare up, her lustful, Shinji-craving side starting off the arguments inside her head via 'Neon Genesis Evanjellydonut's' Rei Council. Eventually, Rei's scream for Ikari's cream, and she gladly accepts. They walk away, plotting nasty things for our favorite couple. Somewhere in the distance, Asuka frowns mightily. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Ritsuko works on phase two of her plan. Since Rei had her way with Maya, it was only fitting that she had her way with Rei's beloved. She silently thanks her cousin Sophia for her S&M battle gear and whip, but still wonders why she competes in that silly Toshinden tournament... Oh, well, time for action. Slithering in her target's room, she sees him lying on his bed. Since Asuka didn't want to make Shinji's headache worse, she had left to go shopping with Misato. That was an hour ago, and they should be back in the next fifteen, but that was normally plenty of time with your average Ikari. But remembering today's earlier battle, or more appropriately, Shinji running to it, she wondered if he was really your typical Ikari. Time to find out. Pulling out Misato's Keg-o-matic 5000 (guaranteed to make the object of your desire drunk in fifteen seconds or less) she hooked it up to Shinji's mouth. Shinji opened his eyes to see the scantily clad doctor do her deed, using Misato's Keg-o-matic to get him drunk. 'No!' He thought to himself. 'I musn't betray Asuka! I musn't...' Unfortunately, his fifteen seconds were up, and all coherent thought was thrown into Eva-01 along with Annogelion. In short, Ritsuko had her way with him. But what repercussions will this have on our Eva-verse? We'll see soon... "WHAT!?! THAT BITCH DID WHAT TO MY SHINJI!?!?!?!?!?" "Oh, shuttup Rei, and get back on that wall scroll!!" "Piss off, you Jesus look-alike!" "Dammit Rei! Another word and our alliance is dissolved!!" "D'oh!" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Next Up: Another angel attacks, Rei and the Writer's plans start to come together, and SEELE acts gayer than usual. It's all next on "All of you! Mosh like you want to win!!" Author's Notes: I like 'Garden of Eva.' Really. And Jim Lazar, if you're reading this, Put out the next part. That cliffhanger ending did a fine job making me impatient. And Orbit productions, I like Eva:R, too. So I don't want any people flaming me about those two fics. But 'The Saga Continues...' Maybe I'll bring it up later. Maybe. Extra Special Thanks goes out to my three pre-readers: Mirei Ikari - Kawaii Extraordanaire. Greg Thomas - Owner of the 'Everything Anime' webpage, as well as an Evangelion Fanfic Archive. A1-1-Bus - Writer of Imagine Normality and numerous other works. Go Read Them!!! I COMMAND THEE!!! And everyone else out there who read this fic. Thank You!