Martial Artists and Mayhem: Third Edition



Assorted Filler Episodes



 "Master Tofu," the old woman called out.  "A patient for you!"  Then the woman returned to her errands as a healer's servant, leaving Akane to regard the...lump, that was her fiancee.  She colored guiltily as she considered how he had got that way.

*******

  "How dare HE call me hideous!!!" Akane demanded angrily at the barely conscious young man before her.
  "Akane," Nabiki said nervously.
  "WHAT!" The younger Tendo demanded.
  "The other illusion wasn't of you," Nabiki admitted.
  "Huh?  Then who..." she glanced at the groaning figure she had just hammered into the ground.  "Uh..."
  "That's right," Nabiki said.  "You just beat somebody up for objecting to suggestive pictures of themselves."
  "Nabiki!!" Akane growled and stepped toward her.
  "I think I'll take Little Kuno out of here before that ring of his wakes him up," Nabiki said quickly, backing away from her sister and grabbing the still unconscious Kuno.  "I'll be right back."  Then her sister was gone.
  "Honestly," Akane said, angry.  Then she looked at Ranma and considered.  "How does that spell go again?"
  Nabiki was quite a ways around the corner when the screaming started again.
  "Sounds like Akane still hasn't figured out healing magics yet," Nabiki sighed.

*******

  "Hmmmmm," Tofu looked over the mangled and charred boy on his cot.  "This is astounding."
  "This slice here is nothing," Tofu pointed to where Kuno had managed to hit Ranma.  "Comapared to these other burns and bruises!  This is brutal!"
  "Uh," Akane stared down at the floor, her face crimson.
  "What kind of monster did this?" Tofu asked turning to the the embarrassed priestess.  The sound of a clearing throat brought the attention to Ranma.
  "The girl did it," Ranma said weakly.  "She belongs in an orc tribe."
  "RANMA!"  Akane grabbed the cot and dumped the bed-ridden martial artist painfully to the ground.  "Just try and say that again!"  Then she noticed Tofu staring at her and dropped the cot.  "Oh."
  "Did you do this Akane?" he asked.
  "Um...well..." Akane poked her fingers together.  "...that is..."
  ~Now she does the sweet, innocent bit,~ Ranma thought irritably.  Tofu whapped the now empty cot and suddenly laughed.
  "Well, it figures!" Tofu said.  "I had a feeling."  Akane and Ranma were nonpulsed and then Tofu had the young man on the cot again and started to work on his injuries.  "The way this joint is out of place, and these burn marks here, that's Akane's touch all right!"
  ~I wonder if he knows if its where I tried to heal him,~ Akane wondered as Tofu proceeded to snap Ranma back into proper shape, complete with Ranma's surprised and pained yelps.
  "You're Ranma, aren't you," Tofu said.  "I hear your Akane's fiancee."
  "It's an arranged marriage," Akane said angrily.  She didn't really have much of a position to argue from.  Arranged marriages were hardly rare any longer, it didn't make her happy however.
  "Well..." Tofu said and then glanced at the somewhat struggling Ranma.  "...It is early yet, neither of you probably know much about each other."
  "I don't WANT to know him," Akane snapped.
  "That HURTS you know!" Ranma shouted before any other conversation could go on.
  "Oh?" Tofu said.  "Someplace still hurts, show me."
  "Uh..." Ranma paused and took stock of his condition.  "I'm okay?  I'm all better now!"
  "Isn't he a great healer?" Akane asked.
  "Not even a mark on me!" Ranma said.  Akane twitched as Ranma's odd fixation on a perfect appearance reared its head again.  "Cool!"  Neither noticed Tofu paying close attention to Ranma.
  ~He looks similar to that girl,~ Tofu noted.  "Ranma you don't feel ill at all do you, no lingering nausea, headaches?"
  "I'm a little lightheaded, but that's because I didn't sleep well," Ranma scratched his head.  "Why would I..." He looked around and rethought that statement in his head.  ~Why would someone else THINK I should be sick?  Oh shit, the protection spells, he suspects.~  "NO! Not sick!  Not sick at all, perfectly fine.  Nothing to bother me around here!"  He shouted waving his hands desperately.  Tofu arched an eyebrow and considered the young man's behavior.
  "Hey, stop it!" Akane snapped, whacking him on the back of his head.  "You're embarrassing me."  Neither noticed Tofu quietly making subtle gestures.  Ranma should have noted a little magic gathering, but he was momentarily concentrated on Akane.
  "Uh...heh, sorry" Ranma scratched the back of his head, as the fight died down and he turned toward Tofu again.  "Well, excuse me, we should be going."  Ranma edged his way to the door watching Tofu cautiously, the healer waved as Ranma exited.  It was an odd wave, but Ranma didn't know why.  Akane watched him angrily as he left, then she turned to Tofu.
  "My apologies, Master Tofu," she said.  "The idiot can't seem to remember what manners are."
  "I did say something to excite him a little," Tofu admitted.
  "Like what?" Akane asked curiously.  She hadn't heard him say anything distressing.
  "Watch yourself around him," Tofu said.
  "You don't think he'd try anything," Akane asked nervously.  "Do you?"
  "Maybe not him," Tofu said, the entire "not sick" display and how it took Ranma a moment to figure out what Tofu was asking struck him as somewhat naive.  It could all be an act, of course, but Tofu didn't think so.  "But he strikes me as someone bound for an interesting life."
  "I'll keep an eye out," Akane promised him.  "At least until I can get out of this marriage and he leaves."  Akane bowed deeply and began to go after her fiancee.  "Thank you again, Master."

*******

  "HEY!! GET BACK HERE!!"
  Ranma glanced back towards the clinic and cringed as Akane rushed towards him.
  "I guess that means that its time to leave," Ranma whispered sadly.  He paused to face what he thought was going to be an attack.  When Akane stopped short of him he almost fell to the ground in surprise.
  "What do you have to say for yourself?" Akane demanded.
  "Huh?" Ranma blinked in confusion.  Didn't the healer tell her what he was.  Or at least what he seemed to think Ranma was.
  "Just why were you so rude to him!?" Akane repeated.
  "I wasn't rude," Ranma insisted.  "I just...needed to...umm...get home."
  "Nevermind," Akane said, anger deflating somewhat.  She usually felt a little depressed after seeing Dr. Tofu.  This time, however, he had actually talked to her like an equal.  "Just try not to embarrass me again."  Some part of Ranma noted the missing phrase "in front of him," and he bridled.
  "Uh huh," Ranma shrugged.  "As if it ain't embarrassing enough just being you."  Akane stopped and twitched.  "Were you adopted?  Your sisters don't seem to have any orc blood."
  "THAT'S!  IT!!!"  Akane shouted.

*******

  "Well, if I'm right about him, it should be any time now," Tofu said drinking his tea.  "I'll have to ask if anything happened later."

*******

  Akane swung outward with her new warhammer towards Ranma.  The martial artist effortlessly dodged, casually sticking out his tongue, and then collapsed to the ground.  Akane blinked as he hit the ground.
  "Wha?" Ranma asked, confused.  
  "What happened?" Akane asked, obvious concern on her face.
  "My legs!" Ranma explained.  Then he narrowed his eyes.  ~That lousy jerk!  He cast some sort of spell on me while I was distracted.~  Ranma's musings ceased as he noticed Akane kneeling in front of him and grabbing his arm over her shoulder.
  "Ryoko's Gems," Akane swore.
  "What are you doing?" Ranma demanded.
  "Piggyback," Akane explained over her shoulder.  "You can't walk, can you?"
  "You can't expect ME to let YOU carry me around!" Ranma shouted.  Akane scowled and considered the reason.
  "This is some sort of man thing," Akane growled.  "Isn't it?"
  "Yes!" Ranma decided after a moment's pause.  "You think MAN would put up with this humiliation?"  The next thing Ranma knew, he was a she.  Hot water may have been relatively difficult to come by, but a little colder water was only a spell away.  As Ranma discovered.
  "So its okay if we're both girls then?" Akane asked dryly.  Ranma tried to find an excuse he could fall back on and found none that would be safe.
  "Yeah," Ranma said reluctantly.  "Okay."  Akane rolled her eyes but picked up the redhead anyway.  Ranma stared off into the sky as Akane carried her home and pushed what to do about Tofu back in her mind.
  It didn't take long for Ranma to decide that the situation was nice.  Not so much the being carried, as that somebody was actually concerned enough about her to do it.  She leaned her head against Akane's back and yawned.
  ~Why can't she be this nice all the time?~ Ranma wondered wearily.
  "Hey, don't make me do all the work," Akane snapped as Ranma went completely lax on her back.  She was about to add more when her package started to snore.  "Idiot."

*******

  "You're getting soft, boy!" Genma shouted from across the the courtyard.  Ranma growled at the title.
  "What do you know about it, Old Man!" Ranma demanded.  "It ain't like you've never come back from 'hunting' looking like a rag doll."
  "I've never had to be carried back," Genma pointed out, leaping into the air with a loud shout.  Ranma rolled his eyes and leapt to meet his father in the air.  Ranma's extended leg was gripped between his fathers as they met.
  "Master Saotome," Kasumi called out.  "Ranma!  Breakfast?!"
  "Ah! Thank you.." Genma shouted out, neglecting to pay attention as Ranma altered their trajectory and arrangement.  "...dear Kas..."
  Genma's shout was cut off by a loud splash.  Then Ranma-chan was walking out of the small koi pond irritably shaking some of the water off.  The woman, now that she was wet, was dragging her panda father from the pond.  She looked down at herself, dumped the panda and irritably walked back into the estate.
  "I've got to go change," she said irritably.  Behind her the panda stood up cleared its head and walked to the breakfast table, sparing a glare for his progeny.  Ranma turned back to face him as the panda produced a sign.
  #I have arranged some temporary employment.# Genma's sign read.
  "Going to join another carnival, Pop?" Ranma asked.
  #That was only once!!# Genma signed back.  Ranma shrugged as she turned a corner.  As soon as she was certain she was out of sight she stripped her tunic off.
  "So Ranma, morning workout, huh?" Soun asked as he came down the hall the otherway, not yet noticing that the person he was talking to couldn't see him for the shirt in her face.  "Atta boy!  Atta-"  
  Soun opened his eyes as Ranma finally pulled the shirt off and became aware of the other person in the hallway.
  There was about one second of silence.
  "What are YOU staring at!!" Ranma's voice shouted, Soun was non-responsive as an angry Ranma reared back her hand, and was pelted with hot water.
  "Have you no feminine modesty!" Akane shouted.
  "There was no one here when I started taking the shirt off!" Ranma-kun retorted.
  "And why are you taking off your clothes in the middle of the building!" Akane demanded nearly shoving Ranma's overtunic in his face.
  "Well excuse me for not being used to these things," Ranma snapped back gesturing around at the walls.  He wringed out the wet tunic and before setting it on his knee and putting the dry shirt on, he'd drop the wet shirt on his way back to breakfast.
  "By the way, Akane," Kasumi said as they entered the room again.  "Could you stop by Master Tofu's."  Akane immediately swallowed nervously while Ranma narrowed his eyes.  "I borrowed this book from him, and I'd like you to return it."
  "Could you...um...do it yourself Kasumi?" Akane asked sweetly, drawing a confused glance from Ranma.  "Today just....isn't good for me."
  "Really?" Kasumi asked.  "I guess I'll have to."
  "I could do it," Ranma suggested.  "And besides I know Akane is dying to go." He added the last somewhat under his breath, but Akane didn't miss it.  She growled in his direction.
  "Father?" Kasumi asked, losing track of the other conversation.  "Are you okay, you seem a little dazed."
  "Come on, Ranma," Akane snapped.  "We'll be late."  She grabbed his pigtail and strated running out the door, Ranma managed to snag a leg of lamb as he was pulled away.
  "What are you so heated up about?" Ranma asked curiously.  Akane merely growled as they passed a small house and some little old woman dumped out the cleaning water in their path.
  "Ohhh,  YUCK!!" Ranma shouted.  "Akane!  Hold it!  Hold on a moment!"
  "Oh, just shut up!" Akane snapped back.  She rushed into Furinkan Hall's gate and then turned to slam Ranma into the wall.  Ranma took the impact in stride, she hadn't really been slammed hard after all, and looked up at Akane in surprise.
  ~What's with her,~ Ranma thought.  The young woman, again, watched Akane wondering what she was doing.
  "Listen you, why don't you keep your big mouth shut!?" Akane shouted angrily.  ~Okay, why is he staring at me like that.~
  "What do you mean 'big mouth?'" Ranma asked sweetly.  Akane merely ignored the cuteness Ranma was instinctively pouring out.
  "I mean about Master Tofu and --" Akane stopped as she took in Ranma's altered appearance and the somewhat greasy water covering her.  She stared at Ranma's chest for a moment and then opened her tunic to double check.  "When...when did?"
  "I told you to wait," Ranma said in response.  She wasn't exactly certain what to do at this point.  She'd had one or two dreams like this, though as many ended like the Kuno dream as they did happily.  ~She's confusing me again.~
  The succubus instincts fought a valiant but futile battle against the bulk of Ranma's personality, and took the felling blow when a large number of male courtiers stared over Akane's shoulder and chorused.
  "Ooooooo!"
  "HEY!!  STOP STARING AT ME!!" Ranma shouted as Akane whipped around in prepartion for battle.  ~Ohh....I am going HUNTING tonight!!"
  "So!" Akane declared, hefting her hammer.  "Who's first today?"
  "Akane," a tearful noble started.  "We shall no longer challenge you."
  "Instead," a guard next to him indicated.  "We shall swallow our sobs..."
  "And give our approval..."
  "To your betrothal to Ranma!!"
  "What in the name of..." Ranma started to ask from behind Akane.
  "Close your tunic and quit hiding behind me!" Akane snapped.  "Now what in the name of..."
  "So then," a now familiar voice proclaimed.  "You have all heard this rumor, this falsehood that Ranma Saotome defeated me!"
  "Great, he looks better than I do," Ranma muttered angrily, upset at her own currently grimy appearance and Kuno's prestine one.  "Stupid ring, he should be a mass of bruises still."
  "Sir Kuno does not admit defeat!" Kuno declared.
  "Kuno was this city's greatest fighter," someone explained.
  "Yeah!  And the greatest freak!"
  "FREAK?!!" Kuno repeated angrily, seeking out the offender.
  "If it is Ranma that you have chosen," someone said.  "Then we shall give up."
  "They don't know a real freak when they see one," Akane whispered to Ranma with a small laugh.  She paused a moment as Ranma winced and looked at her with a hurt expression.  Akane thought seriously about apologizing before Kuno spoke up again.
  "Kuno shall not give up!" Kuno declared.  "A hundred kicks, two hundred, from a coward like Ranma...do not even itch!"  Ranma-chan shook angrily and stepped forward.
  "Freak, coward," she said quietly staring at the ground, then whipping up to glare at Kuno.  "WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE!!?!  You LOST, just admit it!"
  "Ranma, watch it," Akane warned him.
  "It is my pig-tailed demoness!" Kuno declared in surprise.  Ranma winced and glanced about to see if anybody had noticed the name Kuno had given her.
  "You just can't remember can you?" Akane asked dryly, thinking Ranma had forgotten he was a woman again.
  "How I have pined to see you!" Kuno declared, a decidely rosy scent drifting through the scene as he grabbed Ranma-chan's hands.
  "Hold on here," Ranma snapped.  "Don't you like Akane?"
  "Of course I do," Kuno said.
  "She's right here you know," Ranma noted angrily. They both turned to see Akane turned away from them.  "Hey!  Where're you going?"
  "Please, Upperclassman Kuno," Akane said seriously.  "If you really love this woman, I won't stand in your way."  Ranma stared at Akane wide-eyed in shock, and then her eyes narrowed, enraged.
  "Oh! Akane, Akane..." Kuno sighed piteously.
  "AKANE!!  What are you DOING!!?" Ranma demanded angrily.
  "'I won't stand in your way,' so noble. so touching," Kuno said dramatically.  "So sweet!  Oh, Akane!  How can I discard you?  I love you BOTH!"  Kuno lunged forward, into a fist and a foot from two enraged females.  This was immediately followed by a pair of uppercuts that sent Kuno into the stratosphere.
  "Well, we've said our peace," someone in the horde said.
  "Give our congratulations to Ranma."
  "When I...uh...see him," Akane said.  She reached out to direct Ranma toward the court.  "Su.."
  "Don't touch me!" Ranma snapped, shrugging off Akane's hand and stalking off angrily.  Akane blinked and then followed after her.
  "Look, I'm sorry about the freak comment," Akane said catching up to her.  "It was supposed to be a joke.  Though you don't have any place complaining to me about that while you're calling me an orc."
  "Fine, you're not an orc," Ranma said without stopping.  "Just a berserk."  Then the red head took a leap to one of the battlements.  Akane watched her land, trying not to admit she was impressed, and tried to figure out what Ranma was mad about.
  "What's that jerk's problem," Akane asked.
  "I don't believe you just did that, Akane."  The voice came from behind Akane and the battle-priestess turned to see Sayuri and Yuka walking up behind her.  The two lady's in waiting seemed mildly angry.
  "You of all people!" Yuka agreed with her friend.  "Of course that girl is mad at you, I'd be too!"
  "What are you talking about?" Akane asked.  "What did I do?"
  "You practically fed her to Kuno!" Sayuri snapped.  "That's what!"
  "H..She can handle Kuno, no problem," Akane replied, waving off the objection.  If Ranma were female she might have considered it, but Ranma was a guy.  Though she had to admit he acted otherwise sometimes.
  "There's a principal involved here," Yuka said.  "Didn't you see her face?"
  "You might as well have kicked her through a wall or something," Sayuri nodded.
  "You aren't saying she took that seriously?" Akane asked.
  "You should apologize," Yuka suggested seriously.  Sayuri nodded silently behind her.
  "Fine, I'll apologize," Akane said, giving up.  "Whatever."  ~The jerk is probably just trying to make me feel guilty.~
  "By the way, where is Ranma?" Sayuri asked.
  "He's around," Akane said nervously.

*******

  Ranma glanced around nervously to see if anybody was around the baths.  It would be a couple of hours before anybody showed up to use the magically heated baths, but it wouldn't do to have someone walk in on her.  Satisfied that she was alone she temporarily shut off the trigger spell as she slipped into the warm water and sighed.
  Washing was so much easier when there was less area to cover.  She sighed comfortably and curled up in the hot water.  It also felt a lot better to vent while she was female.  Crying over things when she was a guy just tended to invite more problems.
  "Just like Pop," Ranma said quietly.  "Didn't even stop to think about it."
  "This isn't a good way to keep a cover," an amused voice said as the water started to shift.  Ranma frowned as the speaker dropped the illusion and Nabiki sat down across from her.
  "How did you.."
  "How did I know?" Nabiki asked.  "How much are you willing to pay me?"  Ranma narrowed her eyes and watched the Metallium cautiously.
  "So what is this," Ranma asked.  "Are you going to try to play the Game now?"
  "I'm not interested in magical bindings," Nabiki said in response Ranma's reference to the Summoner's Game.  "Much too unsubtle for my tastes.  By the way, don't judge Akane too harshly, she thinks you're soul is completely male, remember?"
  "And that makes selling me out okay?" Ranma demanded.  "I ain't gonna do nothing to her if that's what you're worried about."
  "No, I think its just time that you and I came to an arrangement," Nabiki smiled.
  "Uhh," Ranma swallowed nervously.  "I don't really....um...have...any..err.. experience, with...that."
  "I'm not asking for sex, Ranma, just a favor now and again," Nabiki interrupted him.  Ranma looked visibly relieved.  "But did I understand properly that you are a VIRGINAL succubus?"
  "I'm only half-succubus," Ranma insisted quietly as Nabiki erupted into loud laughter.

*******

  "Are you mad about me getting out of Kuno's way?" Akane asked, as she was walking home with Ranma later.
  "You think?" Ranma asked dryly.
  "It's not like you can't beat Kuno with both hands tied behind your back," Akane said in response, moderately angry that she wasn't that good.  "And its not like you're really a woman."
  "I guess that makes it all right then," Ranma said quietly.
  "I'm sorry, okay?" Akane said irritably.  "I didn't think you'd take it so seriously."
  "Yeah, okay," Ranma said.  ~You're entitled to one mistake at least, ain't like you dropped me in a pit of...~ Ranma shivered as he remembered that event.
  "'Yeah, okay?'  Look, I'm really apologizing here!" Akane insisted.
  "I accept already," Ranma snapped turning to face her.
  "Yeah right, that was heartfelt," Akane hmphed and rolled her eyes.  The conversation paused as Master Tofu suddenly danced past them in the street along with his skeleton.
  "Was that...?" Ranma started, then he turned to see Akane slump and then rush away without saying anything.  "Hey!  Akane!"  Ranma caught up to her quickly and then found himself thrown into a wall, when he looked up she was gone.

*******

  Akane smashed the rocks in front of her and kneeled down quietly, not noticing the pig-tailed martial artist watching from behind her and around the corner.  She sobbed once and let out her breath.
  ~She's crying, over that mage acting silly?~ Ranma thought.  As he watched Akane stood up and walked to the estate wall and leaned against it.
  ~Can't let it hurt me,~ Akane sighed.  She opened her eyes to see Ranma making a face at her.  "What do you want?!" Akane demanded slamming him to the ground.
  "Okay, you don't seem to depressed," Ranma said standing back up, and dusting himself off.
  "You want me to believe that you were trying to cheer me up?" Akane demanded.
  "What's so surprising about that?" Ranma asked.  "Besides, I thought you'd be happy to see him again.  What was with that mage anyway?"
  "Master Tofu is already in love with someone," Akane said sadly.  "He gets that way when he sees her."
  "Oh, sorry," Ranma said.  "Can't say I know what that's like, but sorry anyway."
  ~Why's he being so nice if he's still mad at me?~ Akane wondered.  "Thanks for the sympathy anyway.  Now are you still interested in cheering me up?"
  "Ummm...why?" Ranma asked.  Akane pointed toward the training hall.

*******

  Ranma walked into the guestroom to find his father studying a tome of some sort.  Ranma leaned his head over as he approached the panda.
  "What happened to your neck, Pop?" Ranma asked.
  #The new job has unforeseen hazards,# the answering sign read.
  "Whatever, I have to go out," Ranma said.  "I'll be back later."  The panda waved as Ranma left the room again.

*******

  Akane watched as Ranma left on another of his nightly walks, one of these times she was going to follow him and see what he did.  Right now she was still to confused and annoyed by the day.  She thought back to the cheap trick he had used to win their spar.
  ~Does he really think I'm cute when I smile?" Akane asked herself.



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