<Title>Martial Artists and Mayhem: Third Edition</Title>
He’s Got a Job
Starless, overcast night covered Nerima like shroud, unleashing a torrent of rain down on the city below. Few were those who dared to travel on such a night. Yet one young man tramped through the wet and churning streets of Nerima with little concern for either monsters or weather. Holding his umbrella above his head, which somehow deflected all the ambient rain and water, Ryouga strode resolutely through the city where his quarry had chosen to dwell.
"This must be the Tendo monastary," Ryouga said as he stopped in front of a sign that read just that. ~Today Ranma,~ he thought, ignoring the present condition of nighttime. ~You meet your end!~
********
Ranma lay sprawled across his sleeping mat, he slept on, ignorant of the sound of rain that suddenly became more distinct. Or the sound of creeking wood as a pair of feet appeared at his head.
"Wake up, Ranma," Ryouga said quietly. "It's me--Ryouga." The sleeping half-fiend didn't respond. "Fight me!" Ryouga said louder. "Hey! Ranma!" Ranma slept on. "Would you WAKE UP!?"
Ryouga punched downward towards Ranma's head, and growled as Ranma rolled over allowing the celestial's hand to go into the pillow and through the sleeping mat. The pillow came up stuck around his hand. Ryouga glared at it before punching down with his other hand and putting a new hole in the sleeping mat as Ranma rolled over again.
Ryouga glared balefully at Ranma as he scratched his head, still asleep. Then the celestial pulled in a huge breath. He held it until it felt like he'd burst, and then released it all in a loud roar.
"WAKE UP, DAMMIT!!!" Ryouga shouted. Ranma's eyes flashed open wide as the panda that was his father sat bolt up right next to him. Next thing Ryouga knew he was being tossed outside by a panda waving a sign that read "QUIET!" Ryouga easily flipped upright in his flight and produced that umbrella that when raised above his head somehow miraculously kept him dry. Ranma, on the other hand, wasn't truly aware of anything until a second or two after she landed in the pond.
"Wha-?" Ranma sputtered. "Wha-? Wha-?" She splashed about the pool for a couple more seconds before Ryouga landed and she found her footing again. She found herself facing Ryouga and narrowed her eyes. "Ryouga."
"That's right Ranma now its time for you to pray to whatever da..." Ryouga didn't get any further on his carefully rehearsed speech as there was suddenly the matter of a furious red-head charging at him.
"JERK!!!" Ranma shouted. "BASTARD!! IDIOT!! ASSHOLE!!" Ryouga nearly choked as he proceeded to attempt a defense against the furious pace of attack Ranma was setting. He'd never really had to defend against someone before, and he couldn't take his natural form at the moment or he'd get wet.
"You call this an attack, Ranma?" Ryouga snapped, proving that bravado was still in full effect. As he shouted he barely dodged a fast kick at his head. It was followed by half a dozen punches that he managed to mostly avoid. About the only thing, he realized, keeping him both dry and uninjured was the fact that Ranma was enraged and not paying much attention to what she was doing.
Ranma paused in her onslaught giving Ryouga time to recover some initiative. He didn't notice her glaring at the umbrella in his hand. Ryouga smirked as he was prepared to launch a flurry of his own.
"QUIT PLAYING GAMES!!!" As Ranma shouted the demon shifted forms and genders into his male demon form. He stayed male for all of about the two seconds that it took to get her mind off shapeshifting and the trigger spell responded to the rain again. Ryouga had time to blink before the half-demon launched herself forward. "Put up a fight, damn it!"
~Well, I would if it weren't raining,~ Ryouga grumbled to himself, then jumped back. Of course all he had to do was wait for Ranma to get tired, and if the half-demon stayed this enraged that would be easy.
********
"What by Ryoko's Gems is that noise?" Akane grumbled as she woke up, slowly. The door to her room opened softly to admit her eldest sister.
"Akane?" Kasumi asked. "Are you awake?"
"Kasumi, you hear it too?" Akane asked. She absent-mindedly picked up a practice sword, not her favored weapon personally, but Ryoko's priestesses were expected to know how to use it, and then joined her sister out in the hall.
"Do you think its a thief?" Kasumi asked.
"It had better not be," Akane growled, gripping her sword's hilt. A flash of lightning highlighted a figure with an umbrella jumping backwards. Akane thought she saw something else enter the view just after the lightning vanished, but her eyes were still adjusting to the flash so she couldn't tell for certain.
"It is a thief," Kasumi said a little panicky. Akane merely growled already starting out for the yard.
"I'm going to beat his brains out!" Akane said. She stopped as a firm hand on her shoulder pulled her back.
"NO!! It's too dangerous," Kasumi shouted.
"But.." Akane started, not understanding why Kasumi would stop her. This is what battle priestesses did after all. Suddenly her sister was holding a heavy stone statue of a bear towards her.
"Here."
"Huh?"
********
Ryouga smirked as he finally discovered a safe opening to exploit in Ranma's almost unending stream of kicks, punches and wing swipes. He bounced off the ground and launched forward in a kick. Then something hard and stone smacked into the back of his head, and knocking him slightly off balance. It was enough for Ranma's kick to reach his gut. Then came several follow-up strikes that dazed him enough for the umbrella to fall out of his hand.
"Are making fun of me with that umbrella, Ryouga!?" Ranma demanded, before noting that her target wasn't answering. "Hey, you...okay?" Ranma glanced at the suddenly empty clothes in her hands, before the statue caught in the clothes and carried the surprised half-demon down to the ground.
"Oh it's only Ranma's old...friend," Kasumi said as the shouting came clear.
"In the middle of the night?" Akane rolled her eyes and walked back into the house part of the complex to return to her bed.
Ranma took a moment to "drop her wings" as she returned to human form and looked at the mass of clothes in her hands. She glanced around cautiously for the Celestial but couldn't see him anywhere.
"Weird," Ranma muttered. "I didn't think that little bit would send him back to the planes." She swallowed nervously and started collecting his stuff. A flutter of movement out of the corner of her eye attracted her attention, and she turned to catch whatever was heading her direction.
Ranma was surprised at what she found in her hand.
"A pigeon?" she said, confused. The bird started pecking at her hand, but it only barely hurt. "Hey, stop that. That's quiet a bump you got there birdy." Ranma looked up and then finished collecting Ryouga's stuff while still holding the bird. The bird continued to peck at her. "Let's get out of this rain and get you fixed up."
********
Akane shut her door forcefully behind her as she entered her room and stretched out.
"All that racket in the middle of the night," she grumbled. She flopped down on her bed and pulled the sleeping furs over herself. A second or two later she was up again. "Argg, I can't sleep now." she walked irritably out into the hallway again.
********
"Hey, stop that," Ranma growled as the bird continued to peck at her. "I ain't gonna hurt ya, you stupid birdbrain. I just gonna take some of this healing salve her and fix that bump on your head." Ranma took the salve from the Tendo's stores and carefully applied a little of it to the head of the bird that was still attacking him.
"What happened to Ryouga," Ranma muttered as he worked on the bird. "I know damn well that wasn't enough to send him back home. Though the jerk deserves to be stuck home for a hundred years or so." The pigeon let out an angry coo and continued attacking Ranma. "Would you stop that? Ain't no way Ryouga ain't fine. He'll be back to torment me later." She held the pigeon a little tighter, both to keep it from pecking her and just because. There was a flare of embarrasment from, surprisingly enough, the pigeon. Ranma looked down and blinked at it. "Dirty minded little thing, aintcha?" The pigeon visibly huffed up and did what it could to peck at Ranma again.
"Hey, Ranma," Akane said as she entered into the room. "Isn't that Ryouga's stuff?"
"Yeah," Ranma said irritably.
"Where's Ryouga," Akane asked narrowly.
"He just sort of vanished in front of me," Ranma shrugged. Then he turned around irritably. "Aww...he's probably just back at his home having an ale and laughing at me."
"Why are you worried about the 'monster' that 'ruined' your face?" Akane asked sarcastically.
"I never said he was a monster!" Ranma snapped, getting to her feet. "He's a jerk, but don't call him a monster!" Akane blinked, then Ranma sat back down. "And I ain't worried about him." She stroked the pigeon's head gently as she spoke.
"Sure you're not," Akane muttered darkly. She briskly told herself that she was not jealous. Surely she couldn't be jealous over Ranma. Jealous of a man no less. "Whatever, I need to relax after you two making such a racket."
"You're going to take a bath aren't you?" Ranma asked.
"Yeah, so?" Akane asked. Ranma grumbled and handed the bird out to her.
"Could ya take the bird too?" Ranma asked. "He was out in the rain too, I can wait but not sure about this little guy. Besides, he doesn't seem to like me."
"Yeah, I guess," Akane wondered briefly why the pigeon was shaking its head at the suggestion. "How do you know its male?"
"Trust me on this one," Ranma said. "I know these things."
********
"A week ago he's so upset that Nabiki mentioned it," Akane growled. "Now he talks like Ryouga's gone for good and that's a bad thing. I'm never going to understand him." Akane looked at the pigeon and considered it. "Well, are you ready for a bath?"
The pigeon again frantically shook its head. The action served to spray Akane with a few drops of cold water, then the bird gave what Akane took to be the pigeon equivilent of a sneeze.
"I'm not trying to cook you or anything," Akane said. "Look the water isn't even very hot." Akane set the pigeon in the water and was surprised as a familiar young man suddenly seemed to appear out of nowhere. A very embarrassed look on his face. Akane noticed quickly that he seemed to be naked, and her face darkened quickly.
"PERVERT!!" she stood up quickly raising her hands back Ryouga saw a flash of red power form into a hammer.
"Wait, wait!!" Ryouga waved his hands furiously. "I'm here to pr.." whatever he had been going to say was lost as Akane swung downward. Akane stood over the unconscious Ryouga and huffed angrily. Truly, Akane's ability to almost unfailing knock Outsiders unconscious was an impressive thing. If only she was aware that she was doing it.
"Hey Akane are you alright in there?" Ranma called out. Akane glanced at the unconscious Ryouga and considered Ranma's earlier behavior.
********
"Oh, Ryouga!" Ranma-chan gasped in an overly feminine manner. "You're alive! I thought I'd killed you!" Then the red-head brushed past Akane, knocking her into a wall and cradling the unconscious Ryouga.
********
~Right,~ Akane said. ~Again, why am I worried about that. What does matter to me if Ranma wants to try out his girl side. The pervert can do whatever he wants, not like I...."
"Akane?" Ranma called out, the door to the springs antechamber opened cautiously.
"I'm fine! What are you doing trying to sneak in here while I'm bathing!?" Akane shouted angrily. The door closed quickly and she thought she heard Ranma beating a retreat back to the living quarters.
"Owww..." Ryouga groaned reaching up to grab his head. Akane retreated into the changing room as she noted him waking up. "How'd she do that?"
"Okay, pervert," Akane snapped from the other side of the door. "What are you doing going around disguised as a pigeon."
"I wasn't disguised as a pigeon!" Ryouga snapped. "It's a curse!"
"You've been to Jusenkyo?" Akane asked after a moment.
"It was soon after I learned from an oracle that Ranma had a bearing on my mission," Ryouga explained as he summoned his items to him.
********
"Curse you, Ranma!" Ryouga growled as he walked along a cliff, he wanted to be flying, but last time he'd tried it had taken him a month to get back to the right continent. "What are you hiding from me you fiend?!"
********
~Why is it every crazy seems to decide to call Ranma a fiend?~ Akane asked herself irritably. ~It's not like he's THAT bad.~
"I had been wandering for days," Ryouga continued. "Until that last fateful afternoon..."
********
The sound of running footsteps reverberated through the landscape and Ryouga turned toward the sounds, curious.
"Eh?" Ryouga blinked in confusion as the noise got louder. Suddenly the wall of trees burst apart to reveal a hurriedly running red-headed girl. The girl looked familiar somehow, but Ryouga didn't have time to figure out from where as the girl ran straight past him, almost through him. He stumbled out of the way, closer to the edge of the cliff overlooking a number of bamboo poles stuck in ponds.
"Run for the hills!" the girl shouted in passing. Following quickly behind her was a large panda also looking to be panic-stricken. "What the hell were you thinking pop?!" Ryouga heard the red-head yell as the panda nearly tossed him off the edge of the cliff.
Ryouga desperately fought to recover his balance, finally giving up and dropping his human disguise. He certainly had enough time to transform before he lost his grip. At least that's what he was thinking when a black and purple blur rushed by while swinging a large sword.
"You I KILL!!!" the new individual shouted. Ryouga dodged a careless back swing, taking him out into the air, and already descending.
Ryouga glanced down and noticed, with dismay, the massive weaves of magic threading through the cursed place. He made a final attempt to pull away from the pools with his great wings, but his downward velocity was already too high. Had he been as light and maneuverable as Ranma, he would have made it easily.
********
"A bunch of freaks had tossed me into the pools," Ryouga growled angrily as he finished dressing. "That's when I'd realized I'd been cast into hell." As Ryouga went on to talk about being hunted by hawks, almost eaten by a beardless dwarf, and other similar perils, Akane considered something else.
********
"Oh Ryouga," Ranma-chan, again overly feminine. Disgustingly feminine as far as Akane was concerned. "I'm so sorry I knocked you into a Jusenkyo spring. I'll do anything to it up to you?"
"Anything?" Ryouga leered.
"Hey," Akane shouted. "HE's my fiancee!"
"Well seems like SHE's mine now," Ryouga smirked.
********
~Great, I'm turning into a pervert too,~ Akane grumbled to herself, not really listening to what Ryouga was saying. ~WHY am I even thinking of this stuff?!~
"...you from that fiend," Ryouga finished off as he opened the door. Akane blinked and turned toward him, trying to figure out where the clothes had come from.
"I'm sorry. What?" Akane asked.
"I said, I think I'm here to protect you from Ranma," Ryouga said.
~Just in case...~ Akane thought, not focusing on why she should care. "Really? Good, of course we'll have to keep Ranma from learning about this problem of yours. Imagine what would happen if he knew about it." Ryouga had a sudden flash of Ranma easily tearing apart a little pigeon and swallowed.
"Hey, Akane!" Ranma shouted down the hall towards the spring cavern. Ryouga growled and moved to stand between Akane and the oncoming half-demon. He was surprised at the shower of cold water that suddenly washed over him. He turned to see Akane hiding his equipment and then turning toward him. Akane scooped the pigeon up, wrapping it up in a fur, and walking out to meet Ranma.
"What is it Ranma?" Akane asked irritably. Ranma stopped and stared at Akane for a moment.
"I thought you were taking a bath," Ranma said.
"I was going to, but got busy with your little friend here," Akane said. "Now what are you yelling about?"
"Ryouga's stuff is gone," Ranma snapped angrily. "I knew it! I knew he was playing games with me! When I find that jerk I'm going to tear him to pieces." The pigeon in Akane's hands bridled angrily while Akane smiled in a satisfied manner.
"Are you sure you can do that, Ranma?" Akane asked. The red-head looked at her curiously.
"Wow, you're chipper all of a sudden," Ranma said. "Are you going to use the bath?"
"No," Akane said. "You're free to it." She walked down the hallway and moved up out of the hot spring cavern into the above ground portions of the Tendo estate. She turned to look down at Ryouga. "I go in with a pigeon and you come out, think he's not going to notice that?" She entered her room, opened the door to the small storage closet and set Ryouga inside. "Have a good night." She yawned and strolled to her bed, finally flopping down for some sleep.
~I can't believe I'm getting jealous over Ryouga,~ Akane said irritably. ~What is there even there to get jealous over. Nothing. So I can't be jealous. Right!~
********
Akane turned over an indeterminate amount of time later and noticed her closet door was open. She growled irritably and walked over to find the closet, predictably, empty. There was only one place the pigeon would conceivably head for. Grumbling irritably she walked out into the hallway and headed for Ranma's room.
Akane snuck quietly into the room and cast her glance about looking for oddball pigeons. She scratched her head, beginning to get more than a little angry at Ryouga. She looked at Ranma and stared hard to find any sort of small struggling form under his sleeping furs. She couldn't see anything for sure, but she could only guess at this point.
After several seconds of self-debate she edged closer to Ranma and cautiously pulled up his sheet. She found nothing underneath the blankets aside from Ranma himself. Akane blushed as she realized that she was staring at Ranma in a mostly unclothed state. Then the pig-tailed martial artist rolled about and a flailing arm pulled her down.
"Mmf...kane..." Ranma muttered. Akane went from enraged to embarrassed in a flash.
~He's DREAMING about ME!!~ Akane growled in disbelief and turning beet red.
The hand that had pulled her down suddenly grabbed her head, and seemed to follow the contours of her body. Akane noted the confused, and growingly fearful, look on Ranma's face only periphally.
"Oh!" She gasped as Ranma reached an especially sensitive area. Ranma's eyes flashed open and found himself facing Akane.
"AAHHH!!!" Ranma screamed. Akane responded by returning to her previous enraged state.
"If I'm so repulsive," Akane shouted. "Why did you grab me pervert!?!" She rose up and summoned her hammer again. Behind her, Genma took the recommended procedure of vacating the room.
********
"I heard you battle priestess had some interesting habits," Nabiki said as she ate. "But don't you think you should ask Ranma before you sneak into his room to beat him up?"
"She shouldn't be sneaking into his room at all," Kasumi said severely. "They should wait until they're married." Nabiki laughed at the apparent joke of Ranma waiting until he was married. It was even funnier since she knew it might be true.
"Ranma should take lessons from her in initiative," Soun noted. Next to him Genma in panda form held up a sign asking for more food.
"It wasn't like that!" Akane demanded.
"My life sucks," Ranma muttered.
********
Somewhere in the middle of nowhere a humanoid being that looked as if it had an octopus for a head was running madly away from a viciously cooing and pecking pigeon. The pigeon, on the other hand, was learning that even being a homing pigeon didn't get him where he wanted to go.
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