Martial Artists and Mayhem: Third Edition



Never, Never, Never



     "So what was that all about anyway?" Ranma asked as he caught back up with Akane on the way to the main hall.
      "Where'd you get the hot water?" Akane asked curiously.
      "I know a little magic," Ranma shrugged.
      "Like you know a little bit about fighting," Akane asked levelly.
      "Nah, its a blood thing," Ranma shrugged.
      "Whatever," Akane shrugged.
      "You didn't answer my question," Ranma noted.  Akane growled quietly before sighing in resignation.
      "You know the story how Tenchi Masaaki defeated the demon Ryoko and won her heart, right?" Akane asked.  "Before they and the dryad queen, Ayeka were elevated to power status after who knows how many adventures."
      "Yeah, Auntie likes telling that story," Ranma agreed, not mentioning who "Auntie" was.
      "Well, every once in awhile, one of us battle priests sets an engagement challenge," Akane explained further.
      "I thought you said this wasn't your idea," Ranma said.
      "It isn't, let me finish, or I WILL hammer you into something unrecognizable," Akane growled.  "I have a few spells left."
      "Heh, heh" Ranma waved his hands in a warding manner.  "Go ahead."
      "Good," Akane growled.  "Anyway, about the end of last winter, Kuno deciced that as a paladin of Tenchi..."
      "Hmph," Ranma snorted.  "I'm surprised he hasn't been damned already for that crap."
      "Would you stop interrupting?" Akane snapped, whacking Ranma on the back of the head.  "Anyway, Kuno made this speech and decided to make the stupid challenge for me."
      "So you have to fight all those guys every morning?" Ranma said in disbelief.
      "I always win for some reason," Akane shrugged.
      "Guys let up a lot when they fight girls," Ranma said angrily
      "Don't underestimate me," Akane said, misinterpretting the comment.  "Try me for real some time."
      "No way," Ranma said, flat out.  "I couldn't do it."
      "Because I'm girl, right?" Akane demanded.
      "No, of course not," Ranma snapped in response.  "It's because uhh...yeah you're right, it's because you're a girl." Akane narrowed her eyes, she wasn't always the sharpest, but she could tell he'd bee about to say something else.  She still leapt to the wrong conclusion.
      "We're not getting married," Akane snapped.  "And don't mention that while we're around here!"
      "Hey, you're the one that brought it up," Ranma protested.  
      "Whatever," Akane shrugged as they came to the main doors of the hall.  "Just behave and wait for them to introduce us."
      "This is stupid," Ranma muttered.  "I shouldn't be here."
      "Stop acting like a vagabond," Akane snapped, and then bit her lip to keep from shouting anything more volatile.
      Gosunkugi read the message in his hand, and read it several more times just to make sure he got it right.  This couldn't be, his beloved promised to vagabond adventurer with nothing to his claim but a name.  He would have to remedy that situation, later.
       "Introducing the berserker priestess Akane of the Tendo House and...and...and," Gosunkugi couldn't even say it.  He sighed, and took courage in the fact that nobody would notice him anyway.  "Her betrothed, Ranma of the Saotome House, an adventurer and follower of the monastic life."  Ranma and Akane both twitched at various parts of the small introduction.
      "Betrothed!!" came the general cry.  "How could you Akane, you said you despised men!"
      "Hey, it's not true!" Akane shouted desperately.
      "Its freakin' arranged, you jerks!" Ranma added his own comments.  "We never a--"
      "Nay!  It shall not be so!" everyone turned to face Kuno appearing in the hall.  "I, Tatewaki Kuno, the Blue Thunder vow before my patron Tenchi Masaki," there was a crack of thunder outside of the keep from the ongoing rain storm.  Kuno took it as a sign  of support, nobody else was quite that oblivious.  "That I shall free the valiant Akane Tendo from this obviously unlawful engagement."  The enraged nobleman charged forward and slashed at the dodging Ranma.
      "Stand your ground!" Kuno shouted.
      "Hey, this ain't a place to fight!" Ranma snapped back.  "Follow me!"
      "That I shalt cur!" Kuno snapped back.  He followed close behind.
      "A duel!" a nameless courtier shouted excitedly.
      "A duel for the hand of Akane," one of the maids clarified.  "How romantic!"  A small mob followed the fighters, Akane at their head.  The captain of the guards stepped to the side to avoid being overrun as the younger generation swarmed by.
      "Hey, no running in the hall!"
      "Yes, sir!" the crowd said, without doing as they said.  After a short run Ranma moved to a window and nimbly made ready to jump.  Of course the fact that it was big enough to jump through signified that it was above arrow range, but Ranma didn't care.
      "Let's take this outside," Ranma shouted on his way through.  "Follow me!"
      "Fear not!" Kuno shouted in return.
      "But...this is the cliff side of the keep!" Akane shouted as Ranma and Kuno exited the building.  She rushed to the window to look down, seeing a Ranma-chan descending through the rain down the keep and the cliff.  A little above him, Kuno's had frozen in shock on realizing what he had just done.
      "No sweat, I can..." Ranma paused and took stock of her body parts.  "Damn baka trigger.  Damn act.  Baka Pop.  Kawaiikune berserker priestess."  
      She stopped grumbling in time to gather enough power to incant a spell to slow her fall.  She really hadn't used that since she was learning to fly, but Ranma really didn't want to be sprouting wings at the moment.  
      "Did Saotome shrink?" somebody asked as the crowd hit the windows.
      "Must be some sort of illusion," another person said.
      "At least this tunic is loose enough it wouldn't be too damaged," Ranma thought before glancing down and saw that she was still some fifty feet from the ground, then looked up just before Tatewaki Kuno collided with her.  Ranma grabbed tighter hold of the fainted nobleman.  "Pathetic, losing it over a little fall."  Of course, having the wings and magic to back her up, Ranma's definition of little fall included the hundred feet of castle and the hundred fifty feet of cliff following.  Even without magic, he knew how to handle falls that would break bones on most people.
      "Huh?" Kuno's eyes blinked open as he was slung to Ranma's back.  Then he clamped on his reluctant rescuer.  "I fight on!"
      "Kuno has to know now!" Akane said despairing, making for the stairs.
      "Hey! Let go!" Ranma shouted as his spell started to falter with the combined activity and weight.  Kuno's grasping hands found Ranma's breast, and squeezed.  Ranma gasped and slumped for a moment as her eyes glazed.  Then the half-succubus shook her head clear and narrowed her eyes angrily.
      Kuno was ripped from Ranma's back as the girl's hair darkened to a crimson and she grew about three inches, tall enough she'd no longer be mistaken for a short elf.  A pair of great batwings completely stopped their descent as Ranma snapped her face into Kuno's.
      "Did I say I was hungry!" Ranma shouted before kissing Kuno and drawing out his life force.  They landed as Ranma pulled away from Kuno leaving the swordsman with a dreadfully confused, and somewhat esctatic look on his face.  Ranma shrunk back down to her normal petite size as she dropped the offending nobleman.  Then looked about frantically for witnesses.  "Baka! Baka! Baka!"  The redhead ran off from the scene through the finally clearing rain.
      Kuno lay back and dreamily tried to figure out what had happened.  He managed somehow to cross his arms and was fingering the ring he was wearing on one hand.
      "That person was female," Kuno thought, as he remembered the angry red-eyed face shouting at him.  "Which means..." Kuno flipped to a seated position.  "Ranma Saotome, you cur!  Do you think that you've escaped me!?"
*******
      "Damn pervert!" Ranma snapped to herself as she wrung out her breeches, hiding in a tree.  Normally, Ranma didn't mind perverts...much.  Being squeezed like a ripe was certainly something that went beyond her limits.
      "That HURT!"  She looked into her shirt to see if the nobleman had bruised her...again.  The last bruise was only just fading.  "And of course I had to go and show myself.  I'll bet the pervert even thinks it was a reward!"  Ranma decided not to peek into that possibility, she wouldn't have to deal with Kuno for another couple of days anyway.  "Everybody has to know about me now.  Baka! Baka!"
      "All they saw was that you'd shrunk," a voice called from below.
      "Akane?" Ranma blinked looking down and saw Akane holding a metal kettle.  ~She's not trying to banish me.~  "What?"
      "What the hell were doing jumping into the RAIN anyway?" Akane demanded.
      "I ain't used to this yet, okay?" Ranma hmphed sticking her tongue out.  "Its only been one...uh...month."
      "That's a lot of time," Akane snorted.
      "Shut up!" Ranma snapped, returning to ring out her pants.
      "Then maybe I'll just throw away this..." Akane held up the kettle.  "...hot water."
      "Whatever," Ranma shrugged.  "I can..."  He stopped as he saw Akane was no longer paying attention to him.  ~Gee, I feel so wanted.~
      ~Sir Kuno!~ Akane said.  She tossed up the kettle, never having heard Ranma's response.  "Catch!"
      "Whither Ranma Saotome!?!" the stomping Kuno shouted.  Ranma snapped to attention at that sound.
      ~How, by Zechs' mask is he walking around!?!~ Ranma asked.  ~He's not a true paladin, but he's got...~ There was a clang as something hard and metal passed through Ranma's distracted defenses.
      Kuno stopped as he became aware of Akane standing in to his side and glaring at him.
      "Sir Kuno," Akane said.  "I challenge you!"  She dropped into stance and held her hands in the loose style of someone trained in both fighting and spellcasting.
      "Akane, oh Akane," Kuno shook his head.  "Never did I dream that you would challenge me.  Very well!  If you defeat me, then I shall allow you to court me.  Thus I shall lose with all my might."
      "And who's interested in you?"  Akane demanded.  "Ranma, turn back into a boy while I buy you time."  Elsewhere a small redhead lay sprawled unconscious across the ground with a dented kettle in her face, pouring a small stream of hot water a couple inches to the side of her face until the water inside trickled below the spout.
      Kuno lunged forward with a basic downward strike.  Akane easily caught the bokken in her hand, but the force of the blow threw her backwards.  As Akane was pushed off her feet, she kicked upward and the arrogant swordsman flew back and away, his bokken still in Akane's hands.
      "Ugh," Ranma groaned,  ~What hit me?~ Ranma pulled the kettle up away from her face and resignedly checked her face for damage again.  The slight burning sensation caused her to look at the near-empty kettle in her hands.  "Cold iron, of course, maybe I don't want to know what I look..." An upside down head suddenly appeared atop the now destroyed kettle, spilling the remaining water over the ground.
      "Eh," Kuno paused.  "You're that woman."  Kuno paused and recalled his "rescue."  Nay, this was no woman, this was a demoness.  It truly mattered little to Kuno, she had to know where the cur had vanished to.
      "You're still a woman!" Akane yelled as she came to the scene.  She apparently didn't notice the bruise deveolping on Ranma's forehead, or the red mark from where the kettle had settled.
      "You have good arm Akane," Ranma said dryly.  "You'd do the hill giants proud."  Akane fumed but Kuno spoke before she could retaliate.
      "So, did you see where the man in the pigtail went?" Kuno asked.  Akane's expression went from one of rage to one of disbelief at Kuno's question.  Ranma shook her head know, it wasn't quite a lie, she hadn't seen a man leave anywhere.  "That coward, running away from a fight!  No doubt he feared my prowess.  Bah!  He is no man!"  Ranma narrowed her eyes again and tossed the jerk upward.
      ~This pervert saying I'm not a man!?~ Ranma snapped.  ~As if he knows anything more about being a man than the berserker knows about being a woman.~   Kuno landed as Ranma was standing up.
      "That hurt you know," Kuno said.  Ranma twitched, he should be unconscious already.
      "I don't have to take this," Ranma snapped, falling into stance.  "I can take you anytime!  Just try it!"
      ~I see it now, she has been summoned and bound by that warlock Saotome,~ Kuno declared.  ~Obviously he uses her as a distraction to enable his escape.  I thought Akane was my Ryoko, how ironic that she, a priestess of the demoness, should turn out to be the Ayeka to my Tenchi.~  Kuno's musings ended shortly before Ranma focused on reading the swordsman's thoughts, fortunately for both of them.
      "Amazing," Kuno said aloud as he took the bokken back from Akane.  "Well, should you win, I will allow you to court me as well."
      "Who said anything!" Ranma shouted, jumping over a slash and then kicking outward.  With one foot she grabbed the outstretched bokken and ripped it from Kuno's hand.  With the other, she slammed Kuno into the ground.  "About wanting you!"  ~As anything more than a snack, how is he walking around anyway?~
      ~She is far more formidable than Akane," Kuno thought as he toppled to the ground.
      "You're an embarrasment to your God, Kuno!" Ranma spat.  "You'll never beat Ranma Saotome."  Ranma glanced over him and saw a bit of magic.  A bit of strong magic actually.  Hunting it down, he found a simple ring.  She slipped it off and looked at a bit before shrugging as she slipped it back on his finger.
      ~Who is she?~ Kuno asked himself as she started to walk away with Akane.
      "Okay, let's go home," Ranma said, slipping her breeches on.
      "Court isn't over yet you know," Akane growled.
      "I'm not going out in public like this," she gestured at her face.  "I'm hideous!"  The demoness drew out a large bandanna and wrapped it around her head to somewhat hide the cosmetic damage.
      "Are you sure you're not a girl?" Akane demanded.
      "A ring of regeneration, Little Kuno?" a disembodied voice mused.  "You've been holding out on me." The voice faded as it followed Akane and Ranma.  Kuno lay sprawled on the ground, the ring had been taken off, as far as it was concerned, all the wounds had already been there before being on Kuno's finger, and those kind of wounds it couldn't heal.  Kuno ignored the pain.
      "Obviously she is a mystical vassal to Saotome," Kuno pondered.  "If I could free her and convince her to turn from the darkness...I would do my Lord Tenchi the greatest honor!"
*******
      "Ranma," Genma said from his upside down position.  "Akane really looked out for you today, didn't she?"  He looked over at his son, who was sporting a simple mask over his face.
      "Its not like I asked her too," Ranma said from his own upside down position.  "Besides she ruined my face, it'll take me all night to heal this bruise."  Ranma as surprised as Genma suddenly manipulated him into a seated position, then the younger man prepared for a lecture.
*******
      "What business is it of yours how he acts, Akane," Nabiki sighed.  "What's the big deal about a boy that changes into a girl.  There are some creatures that can do that from birth."
      "That's easy for you to say, Nabiki!" Akane snapped, she was wondering why her sister was doing her exercises in Akane's room.  "But there are already rumors spreading about me over this.  They're saying that we're REALLY engaged.  When this curse gets revealed, do you want everyone to think I'm a pervert too?"
      "You battle priestess marry women all the time," Nabiki pointed out.
      "Yeah, but what if they think that I cast the spell on him!?" Akane demanded.
      Outside the door, Ranma paused, about to knock on the door.  He glared silently.
      "Why that little," Ranma growled as he walked away from Akane's room.  "How am I supposed to thank THAT?"



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