Martial Artists and Mayhem: Third Edition



I Hate Men



     "Court?" Ranma repeated blandly, not believing what he had just heard.  "Are you crazy?"
      "Well, we ARE going to be staying a while," Genma noted.
      "Yeah, and they require attendance from at least some members of the named families," Nabiki explained.  "Akane and I both attend.  We'll see you there.  Unless you want people to start asking why you don't attend."  
      Ranma turned to the girl dressed in simple, but well made, court gown, and tried to find what brought on that last comment.  As expected, he ran into a wall around her surface thoughts.  Though the phrase "how much" wasn't quite what he was expecting.
      "Nabiki, wait!" Akane called out.  She was dressed much more practically, wearing an engraved suit of leather armor.  A well made warhammer sung from a belt loop at her side.  "I'll go with you!"
      "Of course," Nabiki smiled.  "But let's wait for Ranma so we can show him the way."  Akane turned to look at the sourly glaring young man.
      "Can't he find Furinkan Hall himself," she asked irritably.  "It isn't exactly hard to do."
      "Now, now, how would it look for us to avoid him like that?" Nabiki asked.  "Hmm?"
      "I'm here you know," Ranma muttered under his breath.
*******
      Akane glared once up at Ranma, where he was walking along the canal wall, as if he couldn't be bothered with the ground like anyone normal.  The way he kept glancing into the sky confirmed that for her.  As if he could really fly.
      Ranma glanced back a moment and scratched his head, Nabiki was trailing behind them.  It didn't seem like she was doing more than idly watching the scenery as they walked along, but that alone bothered him.  He wasn't certain what kind of Metallium she was, Xellos' priesthood ranged the gamut of morallity, their patron being more concerned with knowledge and intrigue than anything else.  The one constant was that they schemed.
      "We're not going to get married, you know!" Akane said under her breath, so that her sister couldn't hear.
      "Hey, I didn't agree to it either," Ranma said.
      "So don't crowd me at the court," Akane said.
      "Yeah, like I want to hang around an berserker like you," Ranma insisted.  Akane growled and reared her warhammer back to get ready to toss it.  The weapon never left her hand, however, as Ranma's father appeared out of nowhere to smack him on the head.
      "Pop, what do you..." Ranma started.
      "You're in no position to be choosy about women!" Genma shouted, Nabiki arched an eyebrow at the comment.  "Listen, Ranma, I'll only tell you this once...." Genma was cut off as his son swept his feet out from under him.  The older man fell straight down to the canal.
      ~I'm in a better position to be choosy than anybody else, you idiot,~ Ranma thought as he watched his father fall.  He stared down at the panda and snickered.  "What's wrong Pop, weren't you going to say something?"
      The panda leaped up from the canal to the top of the wall eliciting a quick scramble from Akane and Ranma.  Nabiki had already calmly stepped away from the probable region of battle.  The giant panda swiped at his son, who easily dodged back, landing lightly several yards away from a chagrinned panda.
      "Feeling a little heavy, Pop?" Ranma asked as an old woman was washing her walk a few feet away.  "More so than usual, anyway."  That was when a splash of water covered him.  The half-demon looked down, at least the trigger spell worked.
      "Nabiki!" Akane shouted at her sister.
      "A little flat footed yourself, aren't you Ranma?" the elder Tendo snickered, though she wasn't too happy.  She'd been hoping to catch Ranma not-changing.
      "How's he...she....err Ranma supposed to show up like that!" Akane demanded.
      "What's wrong with this?" Ranma asked.  Then mentally slapped her forehead.  ~Oh, that's right.~
      "Well, you can't really go to court as woman, can you," Nabiki said.  "Those clothes are bad enough as it is.  I suppose we have no choice though, where could we find hot water in time.  Can't introduce Akane's new fiancee as a woman either."
      "Uh, she's a priestess of Ryoko," Ranma pointed out.
      "What does that mean!" Akane demanded.
      "He has a point, Akane," Nabiki said rubbing her temples.  "Though that reminder did give me a painful image of you and the other resident Masaaki clerics."
      "EWWWW!" Akane shivered.
      "And do you really want to add a new demographic to the morning fun?" Nabiki added as Akane twitched.
      "Listen, I'll just present myself tomorrow," Ranma interrupted, the conversation was making her hungry.
      "No you won't," Akane snapped.  "I'm not going to have a honorless vagabond about my family's monastery.  Master Tofu is just up the way, we can get hot water there."
*******
      Ranma peeked around the carved column advertising the healer's services as Akane asked for hot water.
      "Well, this is a wonderful way to start the day," Nabiki said dry pan.  "So, are you feeling fine, Saotome?  The...curse not giving you any trouble?"  Ranma continued leaning against the column and turned to face the other Tendo girl.
      "Why wouldn't I feel fine?" Ranma asked.  She glanced around for something that could cause discomfort.  There was nothing in the air, and the only magic she could see were some strong protection from evil spells about the clinic.
      "I was just curious," Nabiki said, smirking.  "Never met a shape changer before."  ~Well, he's either not evil, or not a true Outsider.  I'll have to run another tes...~  Both teens froze when a pair of bony hands clasped their shoulders.  Turning around they saw a bleached white skull staring at them.
      "AHHH!!!" they both screamed before moving.  A black nimbus had started to form around Ranma's hands as Nabiki brandished her holy symbol in an attempt to rebuke the undead creature.  Both actions fizzled as they saw the man holding the inert skeleton.  The man did seem to notice the nature of power Ranma was drawing on though.
      "Oh pardon me," the man said in a friendly tone.  "Nothing to worry about ladies, just me and Betty."
      "Master Tofu..." Nabiki growled.
      "Ranma, here's the hot..." Akane said, coming around the corner.
      "Well, Akane!" Tofu welcomed her.
      "Oh," Akane gasped as her tone voice suddenly became much lighter.  "Master!"
      "Um...Good Morning!"  She set the kettle of hot water on her currently female fiancee's head.
      "Good morning to you," the tall man said, bow himself and his skeleton as the younger Tendo bowed as well.  Ranma looked from Akane to the healer and back again.  Nabiki herself watched Ranma as the redhead stood up straight and walked around a corner with the kettle.
      ~Was that...disappointment I saw?~ Nabiki asked herself, she was already bored with the usual tension between Akane and Tofu.
      "You haven't been by lately," Tofu said.  "No new injuries?"
      "No sir," Akane said timidly.  "I mean, I haven't been doing anything that would..."
      "Interesting," Ranma said as the now male martial artist listened from around the corner.  He had almost forgotten to use the water, a point that was emphasized as Nabiki started talking to his side.
      "You realize that even if you find a way out of an engagement with Akane," Nabiki started.  "That you'd be saddled on my other sister or I."
      "We'll see about that," Ranma hmphed.
*******
      "So who was that?" Ranma asked as they continued on the way to Furinkan Hall.
      "Master Tofu," Akane said.  "The local healer."
      "And general pest for an honest Metallium," Nabiki added with a touch of fond irritation.  The middle girl was falling behind again.
      "He's mastered some martial arts and magic too, hasn't he," Ranma added.
      "Huh?  How could you tell?" Akane asked.
      "Yeah, I'm wondering that too," Nabiki admitted.
      ~I never even felt him coming,~ Ranma thought to himself.  ~Its like he wasn't even there.~  He didn't actually answer though.
      "He is truly very good," Akane said.  "But he doesn't look like he'd be, does he?  Ever since I was little, he's taken care of my injuries."  Ranma hopped off the wall and started running by Akane.  Nabiki started to pick up her pace to keep up, but couldn't help but to fall behind the other two.
      "So," Ranma said.  "Isn't he a man?"
      "Yes, so?" Akane asked curiously.
      "I thought you said you hate men!" Ranma answered back.  Akane glanced down and considered that.  That's when Ranma felt the presence of magic building, he glanced over at the priestess and saw her hands weaving an intricate pattern as they ran.  The red glow of Ryoko's power flashed brightly once before she started talking.
      "That's right!" Akane growled.  Ranma flinced away from her as she became obviously more angry.  "I...DESPISE..."  
      The grand structure of Furinkan Hall came into view and Ranma saw a mass of people rushing out towards them.  As the two parties advanced, Ranma identified a mass of militia warriors charging toward them.
      "AKANE TENDO'S HERE!!"  one of the crowd shouted.
      "Wha-?" Ranma raised his hand to his eyes to figure out what was going on.
      "MEN!!!" Akane completed her rage-filled declaration.
      "Akane!" somebody yelled.  "Don't come any closer!  They all want to BEAT you!"  Ranma leaped away away from the crowd as Akane merely plowed through them.
      "Out of my way!" Akane shouted.  "I'm late!"
      "No, Akane!" "I'll stop you!!" "I won't let another guy beat!  I'll do it myself."
      Ranma watched quietly from the outer wall of the main keep, moderately impressed.  He'd never seen a true berserker before, much less one further empowered by martial training and magic.
      "Huff, huff,  You should huff get inside," Nabiki took a breath from where she half-limped to the wall under Ranma.
      "But...but..." Ranma pointed at the massacre.  "What's wrong with you?"
      "I'm, huff, fine," Nabiki paused to lean against the wall and catch her breath.  "And don't worry about Akane, huff, she does this every day."  As Nabiki said that, the walking force of destruction that was Akane flipped back her hair and glanced about at her handiwork.
      "Ryoko's Gems," she declared.  "Every morning!  What a drag!"
      "Truly such a boorish lot," Ranma paused in his move to come down from the wall as the new voice joined in.
      "Evidently each of them intends to court you, Akane," the tall young man said.  Ranma noted the bokken he was holding and the stance.  "On the dawn that he finally defeats you."
      "Oh, Sir Kuno," Akane deadpanned, looking very weary suddenly.  "Good morning."
      "And now, Akane Tendo," the young man tossed the rose he was holding towards her, and brought his weapon up.  "Might you fight with me?"  Ranma landed next to her.
      "Man," the pigtailed martial artist said.  "You're popular, aren't you?"
      "Stay out of the way," Akane snapped.  "You'll get hurt."
      "This doesn't look like your idea," Ranma noted.  "What's going on?"
      "You'll see," Akane said.
      "You there!" Kuno shouted, gesturing at Ranma with his bokken.  "You are being quite familiar with Akane!"
      "Tell him, Akane," Ranma said.  "Akane?"
      "Tell him what?"
      ""Who are you boor?"  Kuno shouted.  "Ah! But is it not the..." A sudden silence descended on the ranting swordsman.
      "Chill, little Kuno, I'm not interested in speeches right now," Nabiki said dryly as she walked by.  The young woman was fixxing her hair and checked her gown to make sure she hadn't wrinkled it.  "He's Akane's new fiancee.  Well, I have business to attend to, ta!  Oh, you can talk now."  The swordsman was staring at the ground and shaking in rage.
      "NABIKI!!" Akane screamed.  "Why did you tell him that?!"  The retreating girl shrugged off the demand.
      "..accept your engagement to Akane Tendo, you fiend!!!" Kuno declared mid rant as Nabiki's silence spell ended.
      "Huh, fiend?  What do you mean fiend?" Ranma asked nervously as Kuno ranted on.
      "Anyone who would stand between a righteous paladin of Tenchi Masaki and his true love must be a fiend," Kuno declared.  "A veritable fiend of man, indeed."  The swordsman lunged forward with a slash at Kuno that the younger Saotome easily dodged with a back-flip.
      ~This guy serves Tenchi?~ Ranma asked himself as dodged through the air.  ~He feels more like a raving pervert to me.  Mom had a word for guys like this, didn't she...cornucopiea or something like that.~
      "I, Tatewaki Kuno, the Blue Thunder of Furinkan Hall," the swordsman raised his sword and a bolt of thunder struck down from the quickly darkening sky.  "Shall keep you from hounding Akane."  The swordsman lunged forward again and attacked.
      "Hey!" Ranma dodged to the side as the wooden sword cleaved through the wall behind him.  ~How'd he do that, he's not a true paladin, so what?~  "I ain't hounding nobody, its an arranged marriage, dork!"  This was said from Ranma's perch on the side of a tree.  The swordsman paused a moment to stare at the strange sight before attacking with his sword.
      "Blast it!" the swordsman yelled as his target dodged again.
      "Now hold a moment here!" Ranma shouted as he landed next to the tree branch, seeming to float to the ground.  "Let me make this perfectly clear!"
      "Eh?" suddenly the martial artist's face was almost rammed into the swordsman's own.
      ~Astounding,~ Akane declared.  ~He was there before Kuno could blink, and he's still not using any magic yet!~
      "I ain't after Akane!" Ranma declared
      ~This guy,~ Kuno paused in his thoughts as he grudgingly continued.  ~Is good.~
      "If you want a crazy woman who says 'friends' one moment," Ranma shouted.  "And trys to kill you the next, you can have her!"
      "Why you, PERVERT!!!" Akane shouted tossing her warhammer at the younger warrior.
      "Would you stop calling me a p..." Ranma's demand was cut short as he saw the oncoming warhammer and Kuno slashed out.
      "Speaking ill of Akane!" Kuno declared.  "I forbid it!"  The bokken connected with and sliced through Akane's hammer, finding no Ranma.  Another crack of thunder split the day as Kuno looked up to see his opponent, darkened and indistinct against the intense light beyond.  Ranma's left hand was curled into a semi-fist with two fingers extended, and he almost seemed to be hovering in the air.
      A wide-eyed Kuno slashed up with his sword as those two fingers touched his forehead.  The rain started even before Ranma landed.  As for how the battle would have ended up, it was hard to tell.  As Ranma touched down on the ground a hammer formed of red, blazing energy swung and hammered Kuno into the air.
      "You BROKE my hammer, jerk!" Akane shouted, arms crossed as she directed the magical hammer to follow Kuno.  She looked over to where her fiancee had landed, and eeped as she saw the young woman Ranma had become.  Leaving her spell to its own devices, she grabbed the redhead and dragged her away.
*******
      "What did you do that for?" Ranma demanded.
      "Look at yourself!" Akane explained gesturing at the breasts.
      "Oh, that," Ranma shrugged as if it wasn't too important.  ~This whole act is going to get very annoying.~
      "Yes, THAT!" Akane snapped.  "What was the deal with Kuno?"
      "Hmph, I would have nailed that poseur in one..." Ranma started.
      "Before you continue, take a look at your neck," Akane interrupted.  Ranma complied and checked her neck.
      "There's a bruise!" Ranma said, angry.  "That jerk ruined my perfect complexion!!  Ohhh, I'm gonna..."
      "Are you sure you're not a girl?" Akane asked dryly.
      "What do you mean?" Ranma asked, confused.  Of course she was a girl right now, what else did she look like.
      ~Just how complete IS that curse?~ Akane wondered.  "Anyway, considering what could have happened if he actually touched you with that stick, I'd say it was pretty even, wouldn't you?"
      "Oh, I don't know about that," Ranma said, smirking.
     "Let's just go get some hot water," Akane growled.
      ~Or at least privacy and a chance to fake it,~ Ranma mentally added.
*******
      Nabiki watched as Kuno examined his forehead in the mirror.  He had come running into the study Nabiki usually habituated, followed closely by Akane's spirit hammer.  The spell cut off a moment later and Nabiki had the dubious pleasure of healing the abused fighter.
      "And you're telling me you didn't even feel him touching you?" Nabiki gasped.  ~Amazing, I REALLY need to find out Ranma's motives quickly.~
      "Hmph," Kuno said, rubbing the marks on his forehead.  "And here I thought the man was good, when he can't even spell!"  The man turned to a table and carved a series of symbols into the table.  "It is spelled THIS way!"
      Nabiki looked from the "boofun" on the table to the "buffet" on Kuno's head.
      "Actually, little-Kuno," Nabiki said.  "I think he put exactly what he wanted on your head."



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