The familiar sweetness of blood and gore once again dulls my senses as the alien frigidity of the gun burns into my hand. I awkwardly step back and gasp for fresh air, yet it is the sad, acidic odor of splattered brains and guts that greets my starved lungs. I hear someone's voice very close to me...but I can't make out who it is or what he is saying. The only sounds that I hear are the sorry echoes of my heartbeat...

Heero...

BECAUSE IT WAS HE

A Gundam Wing fiction by Ashura

"What is it?" Heero brought his head up with an almost quizzical look, his eyes meeting with the cobalt pair staring at him from the opposite cubicle.

Duo was oblivious to what Heero was referring to, but judging from the few suggestive glances from his fellow partners, he realized that he must have done something utterly embarrassing.

It was months after what people now called the Deckim Event. It was also a time where Gundams and mobile suits no longer existed. Relena Darlian's ideology of Absolute Pacifism proved to be a successful strategy as all countries on Earth and space colonies had reached to a decision to conform to Cinq Kingdom.

The five gundam pilots, namely the heroes of the new era, had resolved to continue serving the new world as watchmen - Preventers group was established for this purpose.

During this seemingly uncomfortable silence, with Duo suddenly finding his work interesting again, Quatre spoke.

"Well," he interrupted with a smile, amused blue eyes remain fixed on the blinking blue screen, "In case you haven't realized by now, you have been gawking at Heero long enough to be noticed."

"Eh..." Duo reddened instantly, like a child being caught with the cookie jar in hands, "Well Heero's sitting just right opposite me...and-"

Quatre caught a quick glance at the stammering American pilot, inwardly mused at Duo's lame excuse.

"And your case report is overdue." Quatre quickly added, "You should really be working on it instead of daydreaming. Lady Une can be dangerous when she's angry."

"I wasn't daydreaming!" Duo protested, perhaps too eagerly that made it sound more like a desperate defense than fact.

Quatre raised his eyebrows, "Actually, I-"

"Okay, okay, Quatre, I get the point," Duo moaned, "I don't like being teased. Hell, I'm usually the teaser..." He turned and managed a glimpse of Heero, who resumed working despite the action going on in the room.

Feeling extremely tired suddenly Duo stood to leave. He felt like his energy was completely drained, seeing Heero ignoring the whole 'discussion'. And the worst of all, he didn't understand why he should feel that way.

"Duo?"

Duo flashed a grin, "It's a hot day today, I am going to get a drink."

"But it's only mid Novem-" Quatre feigned surprise at the senseless statement, disregarding the fact that Duo's smile was faltering.

"Quatre!" Duo let out an exasperated sigh, "I am just going out for a while okay? And don't talk about me while I'm gone."

Quatre gave Duo a smile as an answer as he walked out; the electric door buzzed close behind him.

Duo buried his feverish face in his hands as he marched down the silent corridor. Mumbling something incoherent, he stopped in front of the soda machine and fed his identity card into the slot. Absently, his finger lightly tapped on each button, not knowing what he wanted.

A worker came up behind him, fumbling his own card between his fingers, "Duo, are you going to spend all day deciding what to drink?"

Duo turned to the speaker, "Well, I'm just not sure what I want to have."

The tall man chuckled, "What about apple cider? That's a nice kids' drink."

Before Duo could protest, his disobedient finger had already seized to press the button. The machine let out a faint rumble while the worker kicked it habitually at the side where it had been abused many times before. A small can tumbled out and the man picked it up and tossed it at Duo.

Duo caught it with both of his hands; the delicious coolness of the can soothed his fussy mind as he brought it up to his forehead. The worker watched Duo with a smile as he polished off his own drink. No matter how hard they try to be like adults, kids are still kids. With a small cough, the man departed with a quick wave and left Duo staring at the can with a strange fascination. 

Three days after the incident, the team was called in for a mission.

A ship registered under the name of a respected diplomat was suspected to be smuggling unauthorized mobile suits. Since the prohibition of manufacturing of mobile suits, underground MS smuggling seemed to be one of the most rapidly expanding commerce. Wealthy politicians, who were too used to the false sense of security of mobile suits, spent millions to purchase these MS.

Their mission was to fish for these dangerous hardware, and carry out 'the' procedures if the suspicion was proofed to be affirmative.

It was going to be an easy task.

The sounds of leather boots contacting the metal floor disturbed the tranquillity of the walkway, as each thump resonated in the silence.

Duo looked over his shoulder once again, just to see Heero walking beside Relena, his expression soft and relaxed. It was a rare sight, to see Heero so unguarded. Duo absently chewed his lower lip as the team proceeded towards the bridge of the ship.

Relena's sudden request to participate in the inspection of the ship was certainly not considered when Lady Une first briefed the pilots about the mission. But Relena Peacecraft, as a foreign minister, felt that she was obliged to confront the owner.

After meeting the captain of the ship, the team started the inspection. Duo felt an uninvited clench in the stomach when Heero volunteered to bodyguard Relena while aboard. He mentally frowned at the constant wrenching of his intestines he experienced in the past hours. Duo raised his head to see Heero talking to Relena about something.

Another twist in the stomach.

What was wrong with him? For some reason, he felt that he didn't like seeing Heero and Relena in the same picture. Duo made a face inwardly. Whatever, he thought as he swept the irritating thought away, a job is waiting to be done.

"This is really boring," Duo circled around the lonely storage and commented, "Cans, cans, more cans." EXPAND

Quatre motioned to the back of the room, "Have you checked what's in there yet?"

Duo involuntarily looked up to where the bridge was, "Yeah, they have some nice looking tomatoed sardines back there."

"Wonder what they're up to..." Duo murmured to himself as he hopped down from the stacked foods.

Why did he care about what Heero's doing anyway? Duo recalled the time when he mocked Heero as being impassive, expressionless and unfeeling. He felt a bit awful afterwards, but this didn't mean that he liked him. After all, this was the person who stole parts from his beloved gundam!

"What's with that look?" Quatre cocked his eyebrows with a small smirk.

"Nothing, nothing really."

With a smile lit in his face, Duo lost himself in the murky flood of memories when an angry burst of bullet of gunfire jerked his conscious out from his reverie. From aside, Quatre's eyes grew wide in sudden pain, his hands reached to clutch his heart as he fell to his knees,

"It hurts...my heart...hurts..."

Duo paled and knelt beside him, "Di...did you hear that?" Duo's voice sounded shaky. Quatre nodded.

Feeling disoriented suddenly, Duo tried to laugh, but he heard himself croaked instead, "I guess it's nothing...it can be anything."

Quatre looked up from his crouching position; pain and sympathy devoured his clear blue eyes. Duo shook his head in disbelief,

"Quatre! Why are you looking at me like that? Quatre! Quit looking at me like that!"

Realization hit him with a pang. Quatre once told him about how he felt his heartache when Heero self-destructed in Siberia. Heero's dead, this time for good.

"No, Heero's not...he can't..."

Quatre bit his lower lip and nodded again.

Duo paled and fled to the door.

No. This is not happening, this can't happen. Not again. 

Duo could feel his teeth grinding as he ran along the long walkway; his mind throbbed like his heart beat in his chest. Born in an era of wars and massacres, Duo was especially sensitive to the brassy smell of blood. He followed the scent and the frantic screams in his head. He made one last turn in the narrow path and saw Relena...

And a dead Heero.

Relena was holding Heero close to her, rocking him in her tight embracing, whispering his name over and over again, completely heedless of the red stain growing larger and larger on her beige-colored suit. Noin was slapping her lightly on the cheek in order to get a response. Trowa and Wufei were attempting to draw Heero's body out from Relena's possessive grasp.

Feeling distanced Duo ghastly move forward, step by step. Desperate hands reached out, hopelessly trying to grasp the blurred image of the downed body. Wufei caught him midway,

"Move away," Wufei yelled, "What's wrong with you?"

"What's wrong with me?" Duo repeated silently, looking up to Wufei with a puzzled frown. Wufei gave up holding him and his knees weakened and sank to sitting down.

What's wrong with me?

Heero's dead. Why am I so sad? Is it because he's my comrade? Because he's my friend?

If he was my friend, shouldn't I be sad?

Why am I crying?

Why do I feel ached to see Heero and Relena so happy together? Is it because Heero's my friend?

Or is it because...

"I...I love him," Duo stared blankly at the still figure sprawled before him, "I...I'm in love with Heero..."

Recognition dawned on him, things that did not make sense before now seized to cohere. He looked down at his hands, how many times have these hands pained for a touch of Heero without him realizing it? He had not understood this aching desire his mind possessed until now...

Heero's dead.

Quatre flung himself at Duo as soon as he arrived, but was startled by the raw rage fogged in Duo's cobalt eyes. Never had Quatre seen his friend like this before, not even when Hilde was badly injured by OZ soldiers that he had incubated such frenetic ire.

Pushing the dumbfounded Quatre aside, Duo slowly brought himself up. His long brown bangs masked his eyes as he seized the gun Heero had dropped. The metal was dead to his touch as he released the safety lock and loaded the weapon.

A forty round magazine, more than adequate.

Wrath, one of the seven deadly sins; Duo was taught not to possess that emotion, but that was all he could feel now.

He walked pass the body without a second look and marched to the elevator, closing the doors before the others could follow. This had to be done, alone.

The light came on, indicating his arrival to the bridge. Duo wrenched the automatic door open with the emergency lever and fired repeatedly at the beeping device on the control board.

"Where is the fucker who killed my partner?" Duo croaked in a too-controlled tone.

Everyone on the bridge stiffened at the question yet no one spoke. No one wanted to be branded as a traitor. Duo did not like the uninformative silence as he shot the closest crewmember on the shoulder, "Tell me where he is or none of you lives."

Duo choked at the words. His mouth felt bitter.

A young woman's voice raised as she stammered, "His...his room's on the fourth floor, last one on the right." 

 The familiar sweetness of blood and gore once again dulls my sense...the alien frigidity of the gun burns into my hand. I awkwardly step back and gasp for fresh air, yet it is the sad, acidic odor of splattered brains and guts that greets my starved lungs. I hear someone's voice very close to me...but I can't make out who it is or what he is saying. The only sounds that I hear are the sorry echoes of my heartbeat...

Duo gave a short laugh at the sight of a body, red ribbons streamed from the thirty holes he punched in it. He sat at the threshold of the door, leaning back, satisfied. His left hand reached to unbuckle the fingers so tightly fastened on the butt of the gun, one by one.

Quatre slapped Duo face, the sickly grin plastered on the reddened face faded to a thoughtful grimace. Quatre felt his tears threatening to fall but he harshly bit them back. Then he realized Duo was not crying, and it was not a good sign.

"Duo...!"

Hilde gently elbowed the door open to make way for the large tray she held in her hands. She frowned as the unpleasant darkness and silence enveloped her and placed the tray on a convenient bench in the center, just beside another one. The foods on the earlier tray were untouched, the meat was beginning to smell, but she could hardly detect it as the air in the room reeked of a caustic scent anyway.

Moving towards the slouched shape in the corner of the chamber, Hilde tentatively spoke, "Duo, would you like to eat? We've got some nice chicken broth here and steak, you favorite. Please, would you eat?"

"Go away..."

Hilde could hear his suppressed sobs and she suddenly felt like crying too. Seeing Duo like this broke her heart. She had always known that Duo was in some way, very attached to Heero, even though he himself had not understood what his heart was trying to tell him. On more than one occasion, Hilde had had the urge to end Duo's meaningless exasperation.

But if he did not know, didn't that mean she would still have a chance of having Duo all by herself?

Hilde was ashamed. She could not believe how selfish she was. Now her selfishness was tormenting the person she loved the most. She felt like lying on the floor with Duo and pass out from this horrible nightmare.

Instead, she knelt beside Duo, choking back tears, "Duo, everyday I come in here to bring you food. But I always end up changing trays of food with trays of food," Hilde was begging by now, "Duo, if you don't eat, you'd die! Please! I don't want you to die..." The last sentence came out as a whisper, "Please..."

Duo did not answer, instead, he turned away from Hilde even more to face the wall. Hilde bit her lower lip, tears overflowing from her eyes. Knowing that Duo would not attempt a response, she turned and left the room quietly, closing the door behind her before she sank and cried.

Duo continued staring into empty space, bloody images of the incident attacked his mind as his hand reached up to his mouth when a wave of nausea knocked him once again. His throat was making strange noises as he repressed from throwing up, a cramp was beginning in his leg.

He felt ill.

He remained stretched on the floor until his body was calmed again. Looking over the emptied cans and discarded containers and clothing, he could see the steaming soup Hilde brought in.

"I'm sorry, Hilde...I guess I have not been the most co-operative patient..." Duo smiled wanly. For the first time in three weeks, he walked towards the table and sat. The soothing aroma of the broth was luring. He tentatively grasped the waiting spoon and ate the soup slowly.

"Has it been three weeks already...?" Duo asked himself in the mirror. He stood before the wardrobe, looking at his ghostly reflection that stared back at him. Absently, he rubbed his left arm, fingers running across ugly scars that the needle prick granted him. Every night, Duo allowed himself heavy doses of narcotic in order to get himself unconscious, and slept away the pain. Suddenly, he realized that he didn't need it anymore.

He ran his fingers through his hair, freeing locks of hair from its loosened restrict as the band eventually fell to the floor. Duo pulled a pair of scissors from his drawers and stared at himself once last time before he cut off the strands he held in his grasp.

Little by little, he began cropping his beautiful chestnut hair. The sound of scissors' blades snapping upset the dead silence in the room. Tufts of hair fell to the floor in unpleasant thuds as Duo snipped more and more of his precious mane.

This was farewell.

Another morning had come. Quatre arrived to the office to find Trowa and Wufei already working at their desks. Quatre gave a soft cough and pronounced,

"Duo said he's going to be back today." 

"Are you sure?" Trowa doubted.

Duo's feeling towards Heero was no longer a secret, nor a conspiracy. He had even openly declared, on the day Heero was gunned, that he loved him.

"He sounded fine when he called me," Quatre said with a weak smile, "I hope he really is fine."

Hoping to change the subject, Quatre asked about the case report on the mission. After three weeks, the details of the incident were finally safe to be discussed.

"Apparently the man who fired at Heero was the son of the diplomat. During the questioning, he admitted that he had intended to kill Relena, knowing that she was aboard. He said he could not bear Relena's theories of Absolute Pacifism and wanted to eliminate her for the sake of humanity. We did eventually manage to dig up a couple of upgraded Virgos so we cannot totally expel the possibility of the man trying to 'kill to silence'," Trowa paused, a small smile crept to his lips, "And one more thing, Heero is-"

The electric beep of the door interrupted the conversation when a young man entered the room. His expression was stubborn and self-contained, as he tried to conceal his emotions, yet his eyes deceived him. The clear cobalt eyes reflected his deepest of pains, even self-hatred.

The three in the room stared at the newcomer, astonished. Quatre first spoke after a long silence,

"Duo! What happened to your hair?"

Duo reached up and fumbled with the small strands at the back of his neck, casually stating, "I cut it."

Quatre's expression soften with a comprehending smile, he stepped forward to Duo and gently hugged him.

"I understand, I really do."

Duo gave up playing cool and returned Quatre's embrace with a quiet choke, burying his face into Quatre's shoulder.

Another beep of the door rang as Relena raced in, panting slightly.

"Where is Heero?" Relena held her delicate hand to her lips, eyes wild with hope, tears rolling down her flushing cheeks.

Duo jerked at the statement, a grinding pain started inside again. He bit his lips and reluctantly turned to Trowa, who nodded in confirmation. Duo felt the world swirled before his eyes, a comforting heat beginning to rise from the depth of his body, his hands reflexively reach to the ends of his hair again.

Quatre and Wufei eyed Trowa with suspicion, wondering what sort of a game he was playing. Trowa felt that it was the time the talk, he cleared his throat, and said in a amused tone, if not a mocking one,

"That's what I've been trying to tell you all morning. Yes, Heero is alive and no, I'm not lying."

Relena burst into relieved sobs, her shoulders quivered with each pronunciation of the name of her beloved. All Duo could do was to stare at the teary girl, bewildered. He tore his gaze from the figure and faced Trowa, a smile lit in his face.

As if on cue, the door beeped again and a wheelchair gradually rolled in. The occupant of the wheelchair was still pale from the injury, yet he seemed to be contented to return. Once the wheelchair steadied, Heero fought to stand up on his own, his hands clutched at the sides to give him strength. His tousled dark hair that fell over his eyes dampened by sweat.

Unable to restrain himself, Duo drank in the sight of Heero, a Heero who stood before him, real and alive, unlike those phantom images he saw during the moment between waking and dreaming. Heero was alive.

Involuntarily, his legs began moving forward, his arms raising to grasp Heero and to help him up. Yet Relena ran ahead of him, throwing herself at Heero, the two fell back into the wheelchair in a tumble. Duo stopped. The sight of Heero's eyes softened as Relena embraced him was a more than satisfactory answer.

He loved her.

Being able to witness this reunion, Duo realized that his decision was right. He dare not to think and doubted that Heero would leave Relena for him, after all, he was just a friend, and nothing more.

Heero would not need to know what he felt. Knowing more meant hurting even more.

Heero was alive.

Even if he weren't his, at least he could still watch him from a distance, with a smile.

The End

"If I were pressed to say

why I loved him,

I feel that my only reply could be:

'Because it was he,

because it was I'. "

--Michel de Montaigne 

Characters belong to 1995-1998 Hajime Yadate, Yoshiyuki Tomino, Sotsu Agency, SUNRISE, TV Asahi.