(Joke light!)
Everyone here carries books and wears berets. The most important shopping question this year is which style of black pants or skirt to wear, or maybe whether to be riske and go gray. Poor Ami is so far behind the times.
This is that bastion of elite domination, that gothic bower where young women are sent to learn how to run the country for their husbands, who are out playing around (see the United States and China), or where they learn that issues are more important that substance. After all, issues make the world go 'round, ne?
Note: This is a joke. This is only a joke. If it had been the real thing, I would have covered it in chalk.
To begin with, the entire campus is owned by squirrels. Whatever is not directly under their control submits to this mafia because it is easier that way. The squirrels dominate the students by releasing crack into the air in vaporous form; after students inhale it, they think nothing of spending hours in the library on a Saturday night, not to mention they will always stop for squirrels on the cross-walks. Squirrels also have a master plan, but they have presented it in such a clever way that no one knows what its purpose is. But those few of us who recognize the conspiracy think its very odd that the administration is promoting its own Master Plan, and calling it by that very name (truth!).
But I completely forgot about the CIA. You see, we discovered a couple of years ago that the CIA actually controls the weather. It makes perfect sense, if you really think about it after having consumed a whole bag of pixie sticks (I prefer purple flavor). Anyway, Wellesley has a pretty good in with those guys, you know, but the KGB is still around and kicking in a slightly different form (I think they're the Russian mafia now, in name as well as practice), and they sometimes manage to spoil things. For one example, see graduation a few years ago.
So anyway, there are these tunnels underneath the whole college, known as the steam tunnels. They link many of the old buildings together, and I bet they actually connect to almost all of them, because they aren't supposed to have an entrance in the New Dorms (built in the 1950s- tells you what architectural snobbery we have here), but I heard someone mention an entrace in the basement of Freeman my first year. Aha! Another conspiracy.
Another place where something fishy might be going on is the lake. Lake Waban had a nasty lead problem earlier this century when a paint factory burned down (truth!). Now all of the sudden there are new fences up and certain beaches are closed that weren't before. Hmmm... Is someone finally admitting that skinny-dipping Seniors might get a mouthful of toxic water? Or is it just another symptom of our culture where we expect to go to court over every little detail, like simple lead poisoning?
The Chapel (above) and the Science Center (left) are two more suspicious places. The Chapel has this huge basement that is only used by a couple of groups. Now, given that students here practically live in cubicles (hey- what's this 'practically' stuff? I have a single as large as my Sophomore year double! And that ain't 'cause I've got a lot of room this year...). Anyway, since there's no space, it seems odd that no one uses it for anything but storage. I think that's where the squirrels hide the crack.
The Science Center, on the other hand, is the ugliest building on campus. Easily. Everyone agrees. I mean, if there weren't trees in front of it, I don't know what we'd do on Parent's Weekend or when the prospectives come in the Spring. Also, there are actual street lamps and other things still standing inside the building, right beside the freaky stuffed animals (truth!). I think the CIA uses it for their weather experiments. There is no other logical way to explain the architecture, or the fact that rooms right next to one another can be easily 30 degrees off in temperature. But that's okay, science majors just learn to wear layers. Besides, it's the only academic building that stays open all hours of the night- and boy do we need it! Otherwise, how would we study on Fridays when all the libraries close so early in the evening?
Recently, the Adminstration attempted to make the Science Center look better by covering our beautiful tower in plastic. Supposedly, the tower is being rennovated. I guess the squirrels decided that since they were already massively unpopular with a class that had discovered their plans, they didn't have to worry about angering us further. So we graduated with the sun glaring off of the symbol of our school. But don't worry- someone turned it into a senior prank after all. That scaffolding can sure come in handy, can't it? The poster was torn down a day or two later, but it had it's 15 minutes of fame.
Another prank which deserves mention is the rolling of the Science Center, complete with streamers across the vast, empty weather-machine area that sits above the main floor, yellow leis on the stuffed birds, and a poster hanging off the Sage Lounge window proclaiming "Class of 1999" in blue. Nice touch, that. And the yellow went well with the lime green, orange, and blue decor.
Special thanks to Miko-dono for her discovery of vaporous crack on campus. The CIA discovery partially belongs to someone else who I can't recall right now due to too much crack. If you know who, please email me and embarrass them. Thanks to the staff of Counterpoint for braving the tunnels and reporting on the Lake. Also, a big arigatou to Sarah-sama and Sempai for their respective discoveries about the Chapel and the Science Center. As for the squirrels, that one's all mine, I think. Who knows?
To whoever pulled those Senior pranks: You go girls!
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Last Updated: July 26, 1999
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