Close-Time

   Shinji had never felt so bad in his life, with the sole exception of the first time he took LCL into his lungs.  He rushed to the bathroom, and bent over the toilet, such was his nausea.   Since he had not had anything to eat for a while, all he could do was dry heave, but that was just as bad.  After a few seconds, he felt better, and after washing his mouth out from the bile taste, he went back to the living room, where Asuka sat alarmed at his reaction.

"What was that?  I didn't think I was that repulsive."

"Nothing."

"I know that you must be nervous, Shinji, and I know you don't want to hear this, but I think it is time for you to know.  When you saved me in the volcano, I had some pretty messed up emotions rolling around, and I didn't know what to think.   I am glad you did what you did, but it made me feel bad that I couldn't take care of myself.  I have tried to prove repeatedly that I am my own person the whole time I have been here, and I have failed each time, and I guess it just doesn't make sense to me a lot of the time.  That is a big reason for my ill temper."

"Asuka,  why are you telling me this?  I have watched you, and I have wanted you to come to the same conclusion as I did.  We can't be alone, and win.  Against the Angels, against Life, against the world, we have to stick together, or we won't make it.  I realized my mistake when I rushed off to kill the 12th angel.  I found that by myself, I would slip up, and ended up falling into the sea of dirac.  While I was in there, I had lots of time to think about stuff.  It is not your fault.   You need others to stand by you.  You can't be the sole savior."

"Shinji, do you need me?"  she pleaded? "Is that what we are about?  I mean, I sit awake at night, and think about things, and I feel so alone, like I am here all by myself, and I talk and scream at people, but they just don't understand me.  Is that it?  Do we need each other?" She scooted closer.

"Ulp, uhh, well, I mean, yeah, no, yeah.  I mean, hmmm, Asuka,  I guess I had better just come out and say it.  I didn't feel this way this morning, but….I love…"  That was all he got out, as Asuka jumped towards him, and hugged him tightly.  They stayed that way, Shinji surprised and off balance by this sudden show of affection, and Asuka crying into his shoulder.  They sat as two hearts joined, beating in time, as though sharing conversation back and forth.  Shinji felt as though his heart would fly out of his chest he felt so good.

Then Asuka withdrew and looked at him. "Shinji, do you remember when we practiced kissing?"

"Yeah."

"I am sorry about the way I acted," She started crying again "but at the time, I felt that you were as alien, and unfeeling as Rei or Commander Ikari is, and I thought that hurting you would not affect you.  But now I realize that hurting you only made you a stronger better person, and that… I am sorry about what I did to you. "

Astonished Shinji eyed Asuka in a new light, a light where she was no longer the source of anger and negative feelings in his life, but of love, and kindness.

"I…I don't know what I am supposed to be feeling, Asuka.  I don't even know what I am supposed to be doing.  It is hard for me to even think right now, I….I."

"Shinji?" She asked.

Shinji looked up into her blue eyes, and was transfixed.

"Hold me, just….hold me."

She fell towards him, Shinji catching her while still in the sitting position,, and held her close.  He could feel her warmth mingling with his own, and her spirit coming closer to his own.  He wondered about how much we can't see that goes on between couples in love. <Is that what this is?  Love?  I haven't ever loved anyone like this, it is pleasant, peaceful, but stressful.  Stressful in that you are unable to show your love enough to the person you love.  There are not words enough in any language that can describe it, but that it is not enough."

He came back to reality to fiind that while he had been thinking, Asuka had fallen asleep.  She lay there breathing in and out on his chest, the gentle rise and fall of her body signaling the most precious thing in all the world.  Life.  Asuka's life.  He still cared about the others around him, but their importance somehow paled next to hers.  He wondered if this was wrong.  If somehow it was immoral.  That he could so easily dismiss the love and admiration of his friends.

He moved carefully out from under her, and watched for a while.  Then fearing that Misato would be home any minute, he placed a arm under her knees and neck, and lifted her, with a little difficulty, from the couch, and took her to her room.  He laid her gently on the bed, and turned to exit.

"Uhnnh,  Shinji…." Asuka said, still sleeping.

Shinji smiled, and left.  He went to the kitchen and fixed some Ramen, and sat doen to eat.  Misato came in, and asked about Asuka.

"She was a little tired, so she went to bed early.  How was your dinner?"

"It went Ok, I am glad that I get a chance to see Kaji again.  It has been a long time."

"Misato, do you love Kaji?"

Misato thought this was a little strange for Shinji to be asking, it was usually not in his character to be inquisitive.

"Well,  I was, but that was a long time ago.  I guess I would have to say that the old feeling is coming back.  It's not really a matter of 'Do I love him, or do I not love him'; it's more of a how much do I love him. "  She said at length.

"Ok."

"Why do you ask?  Is there someone special?"

"Umm, well, let me get back to you on that."

"I see.   Well, I have to go to bed or I'm not gonna be ready for tomorrow morning's planning meeting concerning the new training program."

"What is this new training program?  I haven't heard much about it.  It is just going to be a better way for us to prepare for future Angel attacks by using the Magi computers to simulate possible Angel tactics, and abilities.  That way, we can at least be a step ahead, and be prepared for them."

"Ok, well, I'll see you tomorrow then. G'night."

"Good night, Shinji."

Misato left, and Shinji ate in silence.  After finishing up, he cleaned his plate, and put it way.  He figured that he should go ahead, and go to bed, so he went to his room, and got undressed for his bath.  He didn't notice the large lump under the covers on his bed.

He went to the bathroom, and took his bath, and returned to his room, dresed for sleep, and climbed into bed.  He was about to start thinking about Asuka when hands wrapped around his chest from behind.  He started, and turned around and looked into the familiar blue eyes of Asuka.

"Wha…are you doing in my bed?" He asked her softly.

"I just wanted to spend some close-time with you, it is lonely being in that room all by myself, and I wanted to be close for a while."

"I don't feel comfortable with sex right now, if that's what you mean.  I don't know if it's something that is wrong with me, or what, but I just don't want to."

"I know what you mean, Shinji,  I don't want to right now either.  When the time is right we'll know, Ok?"

She moved closer to him, and buried her face in his chest, and nuzzled close to him.  All was right in the world in that moment, all was right with the world.  He fell asleep, and that night, the nightmare did not plague him.  For as long as he had been here, he had had some kind of unpleasant dream every night.  Tonight was a respite.  Tonight was real rest.  Tonight he was in love.