(Eat your heart out, David Letterman!)
::The audience applauds as Saionji enters, fully clad in his kendo "skirt" and carrying his kendo sword. He sits down::
"Good evening, Ms-- er, Mr. Saionji... sorry, it's the skirt. No offense, it's a lovely skirt..."
"Just ask the question. I have a Bishounen Anonymous meeting in two hours."
"Then here it is: You are starting your car in the morning, and it makes the following sound:" ::We hear an excessively long series of FX that could never possibly come from a car:: "What do you do? Do you A) Replace the muffler, B) Pray to the Kami, C) Buy a new car, or D) Buy my new book?"
::Saionji thinks for a moment before answering with dignified determination, "Slap it."
"Is that your final answer?"
"Hai."
"Are you sure?"
"Yes."
"Absolutely, positively, without-a-doubt, no turning back, trai--"
"YES THAT IS MY FINAL ANSWER!!" Saionji yells, brandishing his sword::
::Suspenseful music:: "I'm sorry, Kyouichi, that's incorrect." Some Guy in a Suit pushes a large red button on the arm of his chair. A few seconds later, an anvil falls on Saionji::
::SGIAS smiles pleasantly:: "Oh, what a shame. Well, let's bring out our second contestant, Kozue Kaoru."
::The audience applauds as Kozue enters and sits down:: "Konban wa, Some Guy in a Suit."
"Good evening, Miss Kaoru. Are you ready to try to win one million dollars?"
"Hai."
"Good. Here's your first question: How many women did I make out with last week? Is it A) 4, B) 5, C) 10 or D) 20?"
::Kozue goes into thinking mode:: "Let's see..." ::She begins counting on her fingers:: "Not including me... B, 5?"
::Suspenseful music:: "Sorry, Kozue, but that's wrong." ::Once again, the red button is pushed. The floor drops out from under Kozue, and she and the chair fall through the trapdoor, her scream gradually fading into silence::
"That's too bad... now let's bring out our next contestant, Miki Kaoru!"
::The audience applauds as Miki timidly enters, carrying his stopwatch:: "Good evening, sir. It's a pleasure to be here." ::Stopwatch click::
"Good evening, Mr. Kaoru. Let's begin, shall we? Here's your first question: Why don't we do it in the road?" ::We fainly hear a familiar Beatles tune for a few seconds:: "A) No one will be watching us, B) No way, C) No thank you, or D) Tomorrow night, I have a headache?"
::For a second, Miki sits playing with the controls on his stopwatch, too stunned by the question to come up with an answer:: "Uhh... no thank you?"
::Suspenseful music:: "Oh, sorry, Miki, but I'm afraid that's incorrect." ::The infamous red button is pushed. A dark hand is laid on Miki's shoulder.
"Let's go, cutie." Akio picks up Miki and carries him from the room, kicking and screaming::
::After Miki's screams and pleas for mercy have faded out, Some Guy in a Suit continues:: "It breaks my heart to do that. But, we have another contestant: Touga Kiryuu!"
::The audience applauds as Touga enters in all his bishounen beauty. Seeing that there's no chair, he searches the room for a bed with pink sheets to lay on and make erotic poses. Finding none, he simply remains standing:: "Good evening, Some Guy in a Suit."
"Good evening, Mr. Kiryuu. Are you ready to try to win one million dollars?"
"Yes."
"Good. Here's your first question: You're going on a date with a beautiful young lady, and you want to bring her something nice. What do you bring her? A) The Mona Lisa, B) Bill Gates, C) Roses, or D) My new book?"
::Touga has an answer immediately:: "Roses, of course."
::Suspenseful music:: "Oh, sorry, Mr. Kiryuu, but that's wrong." ::The evil red button is pushed. A panel in the floor springs up, sending Touga flying through the ceiling::
"That's just too bad. Let's welcome our fifth contestant, Nanami Kiryuu!"
"Nanami enters. The audience applauds. Nanami notices that there is no chair. She sighs and snaps her fingers. "Mitsuru!"
::Mitsuru enters:: "Coming, Miss Nanami." ::He gets down on his hands and knees so that Nanami can sit down on his back::
"Okay, Nanami, this is your first question: Who is my father's brother's cousing's nephew's former room-mate? Is it A) The Mona Lisa, B) Bill Gates, C) Mr. Mongoose, or D) the purple Teletubby?"
::Nanami thinks for a moment, then leans down by Mitsuru:: "Mitsuru, what's the answer?"
::Mitsuru whispers something to her, and Nanami rises back up:: "I'm pretty sure it's A, the Mona Lisa."
::Suspenseful music:: "Sorry Nanami, but that's not right." ::The terrible red button is pushed. The floor begins to shake, and a faint trumpeting sound is heard, before a herd of elephants breaks through the wall, trampling Nanami and Mitsuru, who are swept away in the stampede::
::Akio enters without being introduced, because hey, he needs no introduction::
"Good evening, Akio."
"Konban wa. It is my pleasure to be here tonight on Who Wants to Fu-- er, Be a Millionaire. Sorry I'm late. I was... busy."
::There is a pitiful moan of agreement from offstage::
"Are you ready for your first question?"
"Yes."
"Then here it is: What is the number one thing that Miki Kaoru would never say?"
::Akio thinks back to all the Utena-related top then lists he knows...::
SPECIAL THANKS TO CAROLYN HAYS, JENNA KING AND ASHILEE WARWICK FOR ALL THE GREAT IDEAS!
THE LISTS: