Slayers MATINEE: Aladdin

By Reanna King

A lot of us saw "Aladdin" when we were kids, right? It’s a great movie with great songs… and a great potential to be parodied. Writing the parodies of the songs was a lot of fun and a lot of hard work. I don’t know if I’ll do any other Slayers movie parodies, but if I do, I guarantee that they’ll all be this good. Whether this is a good or a bad thing is the opinion of the reader. ;)

The new lyrics I stuck into the familiar songs are entirely original, except for a few lines in the parody of "Prince Ali" that were inspired by lines for the song that were never used in the movie version, which are by Howard Ashman. Please review this story at http://www.fanfiction.net/read.php?storyid=235119. Thanks! Enjoy!

 

"Sailluunian Nights" (was: "Arabian Nights)

lead vocal: Lina

Oh I hail from a place, on this map is the spot

Where gold dragons fly ‘neath the sun

Where the fireballs are hot

And more often than not

They can kill you—but hey, that’s fun!

Where the wine’s good, at least

And the food is the best

But our king isn’t all that bright

Come on down, if you dare

If you’re into a scare

To another Sailluunian Night

Sailluunian nights

Quench your every desire

Where it’s never a shock

If a guy’s made of rock

And his hair is of wire

Sailluunian nights

Every day is a thrill

Where you lose all your gold

At least, so I’m told

Just paying your bill

(We can now see LINA, GOURRY, ZELGADIS, Amelia, FILIA and XELLOSS sitting around a table in an inn. Of course, the table is piled with food)

LINA: Konnichi wa! Welcome to Sailluunia, a city of magic, great food, legendary heroes and… you are a tourist, aren’t you?

(GOURRY looks out toward the audience)

GOURRY: They don’t look like they’re from around here…

LINA: In that case, I’ll show you some of my dazzling magic! The special of the house at this inn is really nice…

GOURRY: Ano, Lina, maybe they’re more interested in the "legendary heroes" part. Why don’t you tell them a story? You know, the one about the—

LINA: A story?!

Amelia: Yes! A story with romance and adventure and a profound lesson teaching the power of Justice!

LINA: In that case… I know the perfect story: the story of Zeladdin and his magic lamp!

(ZELGADIS rests his head in his hands)

Amelia: It’s a great story, Zelgadis-san!

ZELGADIS: Could we at least not use the name "Zeladdin?"

LINA: (waving him off) Okay, okay. The story starts on a dark night…

Amelia: Oh, I know what comes next! "Where a dark man waits, with—"

GOURRY: I know! "…with a dark chocolate bar!"

LINA: (whacks GOURRY) That’s "dark PURPOSE!" And stop interrupting! Here’s how it goes…

(IN STORY)

(Fade into scene one: A huge temple on a mountain in the middle of the night. In front of the temple is a blank wall with no door anywhere. Outside, VALGAAV stands waiting. He has a small brown bird perched on his shoulder)

VALGAAV: (growls) Where is he? I could just kill someone…

BIRD: (voice of JILLAS) I’ll kill someone for ya, Valgaav-sama! Who do ya want killed, cuz I’ll kill someone if you want me to!

VALGAAV: Quiet.

(Finally, NOONSA [yup, here’s his cameo] comes running up the slope of the mountain)

VALGAAV: Well? Did you get it?

(NOONSA nods and holds out his hand. VALGAAV takes what he’s holding—a Rubik’s cube)

VALGAAV: How disappointingly simple… getting my treasure will be child’s play!

JILLAS: Child’s play! You’re right about that, Valgaav-sama!

(With an evil grin, VAL begins twisting the cube around with NOONSA and JILLAS watching. This goes on for some time until he becomes frustrated)

VALGAAV: Infernal thing… (He messes with it for some time before angrily throwing it to the ground)

NOONSA: is it really that difficult?

VALGAAV: Impossible!

(NOONSA picks it up, turns the cube only a few times, and aligns the colors)

NOONSA: There.

VALGAAV: N-nani?!

(Suddenly the wall of the temple morphs into the face of a wolf)

WOLF: (in a bright cheerful voice—sounding quite a bit like a certain trickster Mazoku) My! Visitors! And what brings you people here?

VALGAAV: (to NOONSA) Go on! This is what I’m paying you for!

JILLAS: But I thought you weren’t going to—

VALGAAV: Shut up!

(NOONSA walks forward)

NOONSA: I am Noonsa… a humble fish-man. I seek the magic lamp within the temple.

XELLOSS-WOLF: Sou desu ne? … Only one may enter here… Proceed if you dare!

(The WOLF opens its mouth to reveal an entrance to the temple)

(NOONSA hesitates)

VALGAAV: Go on! Hurry up!

(Reluctantly, NOONSA creeps in—only to have the mouth that he entered through close down on him)

XELLOSS-WOLF: Yare yare… he wasn’t worthy.

VALGAAV: Who? Who is worthy to enter the temple?

XELLOSS-WOLF: Sore wa… … himitsu desu!

(The wolf face melts back into the wall)

VALGAAV: (fuming slightly) Ah well… this is just another obstacle… another challenge. But I will have that lamp.

(Next scene: a temple on the outskirts of "Seiruunia.")

ZELGADIS’S VOICE: DIL BRAND!

(We see an explosion blast a hole in the wall of the temple)

ZELGADIS: This is the fifth sealed temple I’ve broken into this week… maybe this one holds what I’m looking for.

(The little monkey on ZELGADIS’S shoulder—it has a mane of red hair—chitters rapidly)

ZELGADIS: No, Lina! We’re not here for jewels. (He steps over piles of rubble to enter through the hole he made) We’re only here for—

VOICE: It doesn’t matter what you’re here for!

(ZELGADIS realizes that a bunch of Sailluunian guards are already inside the temple, waiting for him)

ZEL: Kuso! (ZELGADIS draws his sword)

GUARD: Surrender now and your death will be made as painless as possible!

ZEL: There’s no way we can fight them all… let’s go, Lina!

(ZELGADIS turns and flees, followed by LINA)

GUARD: You won’t escape!

(The GUARDS draw their weapons and give chase)

(ZEL passes a stream where some young women are doing laundry)

ZEL: Ohayou!

GIRL: Blowing up temples a little early today, ne, Zelgadis-san?

ZEL: Hmmph.

GIRL 2: Why do you bother?

GIRL: Hai, hai! What are you after?

ZEL: Well… if you insist on knowing…

 

Parody of: "One Jump Ahead"

Lead vocal: Zelgadis

ZEL: Gotta keep

Blasting temples to rubble

It seems insensitive, sure…

But I can’t stop till I find my cure

I’m just an innocent golem

Sick of bein’ made of stone

I miss being made of flesh and bone!

GUARDS: Rock head! Stop that!

(GUARD thrusts his sword at ZELGADIS)

GUARDS: Stone face! Take that!

(ZELGADIS brandishes his sword)

ZEL: (sung) I could run you through, guys!

(GUARDS regroup)

GUARDS: (sung) Make him pebbles! Kick his ass, guys!

ZEL: (to girls) Sorry ‘bout the mess, gotta go, I guess!

(to LINA) Let’s get to that library!

GIRLS: Nani?!

(sung) Oh it’s sad, Zel’s finally hit the bottom!

The rocks in this head will finally do him in!

OLDER WOMAN: If it wasn’t stone, I’d kick his sorry bottom!

ZEL: Sayonara girls, but I like my life

Tell you about it when I got the time

Can’t stop, it’s my personal mission

This is my personal plot

And it’s fun being chased around a lot

(LINA begs to differ)

Blasting through every last sealed door

Picking every last lock

Don’t wanna have a body made of rock

(The chase takes everyone into town, where ZEL struggles to run through a crowd of people)

CROWD: Baka! Vandal!

(LINA attempts to take a rich lady’s jeweled necklace—ZEL pries her away)

ZEL: LINA!!

LADY: Scoundrel!

ZEL: (sung) This chase is getting hairy!

LITTLE GIRL: Heartless man! I think he’s scary!

ZEL: Sorry I can’t stay, gotta run away

(to guards) Can’t you go a bit more slow?

GUARDS: NO!!

(The chase continues. Throughout, ZEL somehow manages to stay just ahead to the GUARDS using cunning and magic spells—until he finds himself chased into a corner. He climbs up a pile of barrels, which topple onto the pursuers)

ZEL: (sung) Seems like every day it’s the same thing…

OWNER OF THE BARRELS: Vandal!

(ZEL escapes to the roof of a building—but more GUARDS wait there)

ZEL: Think Zel, what are you gonna do?

GUARDS: Take that!

(ZELGADIS jumps back off the building, over the barrels, and disoriented GUARDS, with the little LINA-monkey clinging to his cape, onto a passing cart full of hay. He climbs up the pile, Ray Wings over the cart’s horse and driver and back to the ground)

ZEL: Just run a little bit faster…

HORSE-DRIVER: Scoundrel!

(GUARDS cut him off again. He heads into an alley, swings up a clothesline (which scatters clothes everywhere) and lets the GUARDS pass by)

ZEL: They’re good, but I’m the master

OWNER OF CLOTHESLINE: Stop that!

(ZELGADIS climbs up the building onto another roof… and starts running across it. LINA doesn’t like that at all, and clings to ZEL’S head, screeching angrily)

ZEL: (not singing anymore) LINA! GET OFF!

(ZELGADIS runs straight off the roof—into a well. He saves himself just in time by holding his sword so the hilt and blade are on the top of the well, keeping him from falling in. The GUARDS go past the well, still looking for him. They don’t bother to look in the well)

(We see the inside of the well. LINA still clings to ZEL’S face. ZELGADIS manages to climb out of the well and pry the monkey off his head)

(A trumpet fanfare sounds)

VOICE: Make way!

(ZELGADIS looks up to see that a crowd has gathered along the sides of the street and a stately-looking man on a horse is moving down the street in the direction of the palace)

ZEL: What’s going on now?

MAN IN CROWD: It’s another suitor for Princess Amelia.

WOMAN: Hah! He’ll fare no better than the others!

(ZEL has finally made it to the front of the crowd, and that he’s now wearing that mask over his face that lets only his eyes show)

ZEL: (whispers) Let’s go, Lina. There are too many people here.

(Just then, two little kids run out into the street)

GIRL: (to boy) Dope!

BOY: (to girl) Stupid-head!

(Oh yeah. Did I mention that these kids look like Sera and Marco? Anyways, they run out into the street, startling the prince’s pampered steed)

PRINCE: (angrily) Out of my way, you little brats!

(the PRINCE forms a Fireball in his hand—at which the children cower. ZELGADIS runs out in the middle of the street, between the PRINCE and the CHILDREN)

(PRINCE scowls, the CHILDREN run off)

PRINCE: Remove yourself from my presence, golem… I have no need for a doorstop.

(CROWD laughs)

ZEL: Only a coward would bully children. If you weren’t a prince, I’d run you through without a second thought.

PRINCE: Of course. (smirks) I should show more respect toward the supplier of the world’s wire for clothes hangers.

(CROWD laughs again as the prince moves on through the palace gates)

ZEL: (mutters) Bakayarou. Come on, Lina. Let’s just go home.

 

(We see ZELGADIS and LINA enter a hole in the side of a crumbling unused building. The inside is a shambles and full of dust and cobwebs. ZEL pulls back a tattered rug hanging on the wall to reveal a small hole in the wall, which they climb into. Climbing up piles of rubble, they come out on a second floor. A small window provides a view of the palace and the setting sun… no, the palace does not look like the Agrabah palace from "Aladdin." It is much more in the style of the palaces of Slayers. ZEL’S run-down home is obviously on the outskirts of the town, in a disused neighborhood)

ZEL: What a dull day it’s been.

LINA: (monkey screeching)

ZEL: The palace? I bet no one calls you names or degrades you there. But who wants to live in a castle?

Parody of: "ONE JUMP AHEAD (REPRISE)"

Lead vocal: Zelgadis

ZELDADIS: "Stone face…" "Rock head"

That’s what they said

Someday they’ll regret that

When I—

(OUT OF STORY)

ZELGADIS: Hold on a minute. What’s with all the songs?

Amelia: It’s a musical! (happily) I just love musicals…

LINA: Stop interrupting my story!

GOURRY: Hey, aren’t I in this?

LINA: Okay, okay, be patient. I’ll work you into the story. (flips the pages of the book)

ZELGADIS: But why am I so… out of character?

LINA: What do you mean, out of character? So you sing songs into the night sky like a sap. Ii no you. (Yay for fangirl Japanese)

ZELGADIS: (takes the book from LINA) Why don’t I tell this story for a while? (flips pages) Where did we leave off? Ah yes… inside the palace, the next morning, the King of Sailluunia was dealing with quite a problem…

(BACK IN STORY)

(GOURRY sits on a throne in an immense, elegant throne room, wearing very kingly clothing and a crown that seems just a couple sizes too big. His index fingers are stuck inside a Chinese finger trap. Of course, he’s having trouble getting his fingers out)

GOURRY: (mutters) It’s tricky, all right…

(We hear a distant scream)

GOURRY: (looking up) Nani?

(A door on the far side of the room opens up, and out marches the PRINCE from the earlier scene. We hear Amelia singing "Life is Wonderful" until PRINCE slams the door shut)

PRINCE: I can’t take it anymore! (PRINCE walks over to GOURRY) Good luck marrying HER off! You’ll need it!

GOURRY: (puzzled) Something wrong?

PRINCE: (heads for the exit) Sayonara!

GOURRY: So you’ll consider marrying Amelia?

(PRINCE screams in frustration and leaves, slamming the door)

GOURRY: (pause) Ja ne!

 

(We now see a courtyard, similar to the one from the same scene from "Aladdin." Amelia sits at a fountain, still humming "Life is Wonderful" to a bird perched on her hand. Despite the disgusted expression on the face of the bird, shoujo bubbles are everywhere in the background and Amelia’S eyes have way to many shinies. It’s irritatingly sappy)

Amelia: (sighs blissfully) Ah!… what a beautiful, beautiful day!

GOURRY: (offscreen) Amelia? (GOURRY walks onscreen. Even he looks slightly phased by all the sappiness)

Amelia: Konnichi wa…

(The bird decides it can’t take anymore are flies away)

GOURRY: Amelia, what happened to Prince Akamara? (heh heh, what a dumb name…)

Amelia: Who? Oh, him… I don’t know, he just left.

GOURRY: Amelia… you need to be married by your eighteenth birthday. That’s… (GOURRY tries to work it out in his head, still playing with the finger trap) uh… coming up soon.

Amelia: I know, I know. But he… wasn’t right for me.

GOURRY: We’re running out of princes. You’ll have to make a choice soon.

Amelia: Don’t worry! The power of love will overcome all!

(OUT OF STORY)

GOURRY: Wait… why is Amelia my daughter in this story?

ZELGADIS: You said you wanted to be in this story, didn’t you?

GOURRY: Uh… hai.

ZELGADIS: Good. Now stop interrupting. (goes back to the book) So, King Gourry sat in his throne room, not knowing what to do about the problem with his daughter…

(BACK IN STORY)

(GOURRY sits once again on the throne, tugging idly at the finger trap)

GOURRY: I don’t know what to do about the problem with my daughter…

VOICE: I believe I may have the solution.

(GOURRY looks up at the man who has just entered—VALGAAV, with the JILLAS bird perched on his shoulder)

GOURRY: Ah, Valgaav, I should have called you before! You see, I have this pressing problem that’s been bothering me for some time now.

VALGAAV: Of course, Your Majesty. After all, I am your royal adviser.

GOURRY: (holds up his hands) I just can’t figure out the Chinese finger trap! What’s the secret?

(VALGAAV sweatdrops)

VALGAAV: I was referring to the problem with your daughter.

JILLAS: Sure thing, boss! The problem with his daughter!

GOURRY: Oh yeah, that. So what do I do?

VARVARV: (grimaces at GOURRY’S lack of eloquence) I do not yet know. But I can find out. However… it would require the use of… Gorun Nova.

GOURRY: (looks up at the throne; yup, there’s Hikari no Ken mounted on an elegant mantle) My… sword? But… it’s been in my family for years and…

VALGAAV: You want a solution, don’t you? Do not worry about it.

GOURRY: … … … (cheerfully) Okay, sure! Go on ahead!

VARVARV: Excellent. I shall work on acquiring your solution at once.

(OUT OF STORY)

ZELGADIS: … and so Valgaav went to a secret room in a far tower of the castle with the sword Gorun Nova to—

(XELLOSS pops onto the scene)

XELLOSS: Hello!

ZELGADIS: (mutters) Oh. Hi Xelloss.

XELLOSS: And what are you people up to?

Amelia: Zelgadis-san is reading us a story!

XELLOSS: (claps his hands) How delightful! May I listen?

ZELGADIS: Of course… as long as you don’t interrupt me.

LINA: Go on, Zel! What happens next?

ZELGADIS: (opens the book again) Let’s see. Valgaav said…

(BACK IN STORY)

(In a dimly lit room full of weird looking magic charms and potions on tables and shelves full of dusty books)

VARVARV: I can almost feel that lamp in my hands…

JILLAS: What’s the sword for boss?

VALGAAV: Just watch! (VALGAAV thrusts the sword into a slit in the cold brick floor, where upon a screen on the wall lights up with blinding iridescent light)

VALGAAV: Gorun Nova! Show me the one who may retrieve the magic lamp from the temple!

(The screen swirls for a moment, then shows a picture of ZELGADIS)

VARVARV: So that’s the man who is worthy to enter the temple.

JILLAS: Him?!

VALGAAV: I’ll have to… extend to him an invitation to the palace. (VARVARV smiles every evilly)

 

(Next scene: It’s now night time, and Amelia creeps through the courtyard, wearing a cloak. She reaches the wall of the courtyard.

Amelia: (to herself) It’s time for me to finally get out of here. I just can’t be married to someone I don’t really love… I’ll find my own husband and return to the palace to get married!

(Amelia levitates over the wall and runs off into the night)

(OUT OF STORY)

Amelia: How exciting! How romantic!

LINA: Jeez, she ran away just because she didn’t want to get married?

Amelia: It’s unjust to force your daughter to marry someone she doesn’t want to! What an inspiration! Zelgadis-san, may I tell the story for a while?

ZELGADIS: (passes the book to Amelia) Sure. Go ahead.

(Amelia takes the book)

Amelia: Ahem. And so, Princess Amelia ran away from the castle, and by the morning, found herself in the middle of town, trying to fit in with the crowd…

(BACK IN STORY)

(Amelia walks through the streets, still wearing the cloak, she passes by a tall stone building)

 

(Meanwhile, ZEL and LINA stand at the door of a… tall stone building)

ZEL: Well, let’s go in, Lina.

(ZEL walks in, followed by LINA scampering after him)

(Amelia sees ZEL go in)

Amelia: I wonder who that is?… (Amelia follows ZEL inside)

 

ZEL: (whispers) This is the only library we haven’t checked. Now, let’s be quiet about this and we won’t be discovered. (ZEL starts browsing through the books)

Amelia: (catching up with ZEL, taps him on the shoulder) Excuse me?

(ZEL turns around)

ZEL: Yes?

Amelia: I’m sorry… I saw you come in here… and I was wondering… Your skin… is it a disease?

ZEL: … Don’t you know a golem when you see one?

Amelia: Golem?

(LINA, from on ZEL’S shoulder, rolls her eyes)

(Suddenly, a whole bunch of palace guards march through the aisles and spot ZEL)

GUARD: There you are!

ZEL AND Amelia: They’re after me!

(They look at each other, startled)

ZEL AND Amelia: They’re after you?!

(ZEL looks around)

ZEL: Come on. I know a way out of here. (he takes off down the aisle, followed by Amelia)

GUARD: After him! (the GURADS give chase with drawn swords)

Amelia: (shouting up to ZEL) What did you do?

ZEL: You’re about to find out! Hurry, they’re getting closer!

(We now see the outside of the building)

ZEL: (VOICE) RA TILT!

(A huge hole is blown in the wall. ZEL, LINA and Amelia come running out)

Amelia: You just blew a hole in that wall!

ZEL: Unless you want to get caught…

Amelia: But destruction can never be justified! You should go back and apologize! Take your punishment!

ZEL: Sorry. I don’t have a death wish.

Amelia: Death?

(Keep in mind they’re running while having this conversation!)

ZEL: Exactly. And if we’re caught, you’d better hope you’re not labeled as an accomplice!

(Amelia gets blue scared-lines on her forehead and slows to a jog)

Amelia: Oh no… I don’t want to be a villain…

ZEL: (grabs her wrist) Hurry up!

(Too late. ZEL bumps into a smaller group of guards and is seized)

Amelia: (overdramatically scared) Oh no! … Wait a minute…

(Amelia removes her cloak)

Amelia: In the name of Princess Amelia Wil Tesla Saillunia, I order you to let go of him!

(Meanwhile, LINA has scampered off into the shadows)

ZEL: Coward!

GUARD: Princess! What are you doing out here with this criminal?

Amelia: None of your business! Let him go!

GUARD: It was Valgaav’s order to have this man captured. You can talk to him about it.

Amelia: Valgaav!

(Thoughts) I guy I finally like! I have no need to worry! True love will triumph over all injustice and overcome all obstacles!

 

(OUT OF STORY)

LINA: So the Princess falls in love with this guy… just by looking at him?

Amelia: It happens all the time! It’s called love at first sight!

ZELGADIS: I don’t remember the story going quite like this.

XELLOSS: Oh! What a shame! (grins)

Amelia: I’m reading it word-for-word. Now, where were we… right. "When Amelia got back to the palace, she approached the King’s royal adviser, Valgaav…"

 

(BACK IN STORY)

(VALGAAV stands, about ready to enter his secret quarters in the tower… In fact, the door’s already open, and JILLAS is already heading in when Amelia storms into the room. VALGAAV slams the door, squishing JILLAS between it and the wall)

Amelia: Valgaav, I have something to discuss with you…

JILLAS: V-Valgaav-sama… this really hurts…

VALGAAV: Very well. What seems to be the trouble?

JILLAS: I can’t breathe, Varvarv-sama…

Amelia: A bunch of guards captured a man out in town today and I want to know why they were after him.

JILLAS: Tasukete…

(VALGAAV kicks his foot backward into JILLAS, allowing him to go all the way through the door)

JILLAS: (from behind the door) Itaiii…

VALGAAV: He was a criminal. Such is the label of anyone who kidnaps a princess.

Amelia: Hmm? (looks confused) Oh, there was a misunderstanding! He didn’t kidnap me, I ran away!

VALGAAV: (feigning concern) Oh my… what a pity… what an unfortunate error!

Amelia: What?

VALGAAV: That man has already served his sentence.

Amelia: What sentence?

VALGAAV: Death. He was beheaded not more than an hour ago.

 

(OUT OF STORY)

GOURRY: That’s pretty morbid.

XELLOSS: My! What a good ending! (claps his hands once)

LINA: (whacks XELLOSS) The story’s not over yet!

Amelia: Right! Okay… (goes back to the story) "Little did the horrified Princess know that the man she had met earlier that day was actually still alive…"

 

(BACK IN STORY)

(Our next scene: the dungeon, where ZELGADIS sits against the wall)

ZEL: Well. Looks like I’ll be here for quite a while… But that girl… the Princess…

VOICE: Screech squeach (monkey sounds)

ZEL: (looking around) Lina!

(LINA appears at the window and squeezes in through the bars)

ZEL: And where were you off to when I needed help?

LINA: (more monkey babble)

ZEL: Ah well. It looks like the search for my cure is over.

VOICE: So it’s a cure you want, is it?

ZEL: (looking around) Who said that?

(a figure creeps out of the shadows: a very gnarled old man, who also happens to be a golem)

OLD MAN: Just another golem… a prisoner… like yourself. If you wish to return to your original form, there is a way.

ZEL: You’re a golem? And… you know a cure?

OLD MAN: (cackles) Indeed I do! Far from here is a temple filled with not only great riches, but all the most powerful spells and potions known, and others not even known about at all.

ZEL: Sou ka? And why are you telling me about this?

OLD MAN: Well, you’re a strong and agile young man, whereas I am a gnarled and crippled old man. I need someone as fit as you to enter the temple and retrieve what I need. In return, you get a share of the riches… and the cure you seek.

(LINA perks up at the mention of riches)

ZEL: Well. There’s one problem, old man. It’s out there. We’re in here. How do we get to this temple of yours while we’re in here?

OLD MAN: (chuckles) That’s the simple part.

(the OLD MAN sticks his foot out and nudges one of the big blocks that make up the wall of the dungeon. It moves back and sinks into a depression, opening up a very small crawl space)

(ZELGADIS and LINA wear surprised expressions)

OLD MAN: Well? What are you waiting for?

(After a pause, ZELGADIS and LINA crawl in, followed by the OLD MAN)

 

(OUT OF STORY)

GOURRY: Wait, how did the old man know about the tunnel… and why didn’t he use it before if he’d been there so long?

LINA: Baka! Don’t you know? That old man is actually—

Amelia: No wait, don’t say it! Don’t spoil anything!

ZELGADIS: Everyone out there either knows the story or has figured it out by now.

Amelia: Shh! The story’s just getting to a really exciting part! (goes back to the book) "Meanwhile, the sorrowful Princess Amelia went to discuss the matter of the supposedly executed prisoner with her father…"

 

(BACK IN STORY)

(GOURRY sits on the throne in the throne room, when a distant voice calls)

DISTANT VOICE: Father! Father!

(Amelia runs in and screeches to a halt in front of GOURRY)

Amelia: Father! A horrible, unjust injustice has been done!

GOURRY: Yes… I thought the third season of Tenchi was a mistake too.

(pause)

Amelia: Father! Valgaav had a man executed for something he didn’t do!

GOURRY: (solemnly) Oh… then Valgaav should apologize to him right away!

Amelia: But he’s gone now…

GOURRY: Well… (cheerfully) I’ll talk to Valgaav. I’m sure it’ll never happen again!

Amelia: I… didn’t even know his name…

 

(Meanwhile, ZELGADIS, LINA and the OLD MAN approach the same temple from the first scene)

OLD MAN: There it is.

ZEL: So, old man. Is there a way in?

OLD MAN: Just watch. (He takes out the Rubik’s cube from the first scene and begins playing with it)

(time passes)

OLD MAN: Just a little longer!

(more time passes)

OLD MAN: Almost there…

(Impatiently, LINA jumps up and grabs the cube. With a few movements she solves the puzzle)

(Again, the XELLOSS-WOLF face appears in the side of the temple)

XELLOSS-WOLF: My my! More visitors! Who is it this time?

OLD MAN: (nudges ZEL) Go on! Go ahead!

(ZELGADIS hesitantly goes forward)

ZEL: It is I… Zelgadis.

XELLOSS-WOLF: Sou desu ne? … … … You may enter. Oh, and (giggles) touch no treasure except the lamp!

(ZELGADIS looks back to the OLD MAN)

OLD MAN: Yes! Yes! Get me that lamp! Then you’ll have your cure! Take it was my guarantee!

(ZELGADIS slowly goes forward and enters the temple through the wolf’s mouth, with LINA scampering behind)

XELLOSS-WOLF: … giggle …

 

(We can now see the interior of the temple. Just like the Cave of Wonders from "Aladdin," the first thing there is is an extremely long and narrow descending staircase. Everything that isn’t steps drops off into a seemingly bottomless pit. However, ZELGADIS walks on, undaunted, until he sees a procession of… penguins marching down the stairs, counting off numbers with each step)

ZELGADIS: Penguins…

(LINA scampers down the stairs a little way to the penguins and starts miming and screeching monkey talk)

(The PENGUINS stop and glare daggers at LINA and ZELGADIS)

PENGUINS: STOP INTERRUPTING OUR COUNTING!

(the PENGUINS take out little swords and charge at ZELGADIS and LINA)

ZEL: Go to it, Lina!

(LINA goes after the penguins)

 

(OUT OF STORY)

ZELGADIS: Penguins? That can’t possible be part of the story. Let me see that. (looks over at the book)

Amelia: Well, I like penguins.

ZELGADIS: (sighs) Read on.

Amelia: Okay. "The little monkey—"

LINA: I still can’t believe I was cast as a monkey.

Amelia: Ahem! "The little monkey charged at the mass of penguins and made short work of them…"

 

(BACK IN STORY)

(What few penguins weren’t thrown over the staircase are scattered, lying very still, on the steps)

ZEL: Good work, Lina! Let’s go find that… er… lamp.

 

(Dissolve to a massive chamber filled with gold, jewels, and various other riches)

ZEL: Look at all of this. I’ve never seen so much gold before.

(LINA is grinning broadly. She sprints over toward the nearest pile of jewels, but ZELGADIS grabs her by the tail)

ZEL: Don’t touch it!

LINA: pouts

ZEL: We’re only allowed to touch the lamp, remember?

(And so they continue on, LINA sulking and looking longingly at the mass of wealth lying before them)

 

(Dissolve to yet another chamber. This one is so full of shelves containing spell books, potions and other magical objects that it’s almost difficult to walk)

ZEL: The one time that I’m in a place where I might be able to find a cure, and it just so happens that I’m not allowed to touch anything.

FEMALE VOICE: You’d better not touch anything!

ZEL: Who said that?

VOICE: I did!

ZEL: Where?

VOICE: Down here!

(ZELGADIS looks down to see a carpet lying on the floor, with a picture of a golden dragon on it. It has long yellow tassels on the corners, meant to resemble Filia’s hair)

ZEL: The carpet?

CARPET: Of course! I am Filia Ul Carpet!

 

(OUT OF STORY)

FILIA: I don’t find that amusing.

XELLOSS: I find it very amusing.

FILIA: Well, you’re one to talk, Mister Hasn’t-Even-Appeared-Once-In-The-Story!

XELLOSS: I was the wolf face!

FILIA: Oh, good for you.

Amelia: Please don’t fight, you two! It’s just getting exciting. (opens the book) "The carpet floated into the air as if it were light as a feather, and said—"

 

(BACK IN STORY)

FILIA: I am a flying carpet, one of the treasures of this temple!

ZEL: Sou ka? Then… would you know where to find a certain treasure?

FILIA: Certainly!

ZEL: Well, we’re looking for a lamp… a magic lamp…

FILIA: Magic… lamp?

ZEL: Hai.

FILIA: (her tassels drop) Are you sure you don’t want anything else?

ZEL: It’s what we came here for.

FILIA: Oh, nooooo…

ZEL: What? What’s the matter?

FILIA: Well, you shall see. Follow me, I’ll lead the way.

(FILIA floats forward (like my alliteration?))

ZEL: Come on, Lina, let’s follow it. I mean… her.

Amelia: (voice over) "Before long, they came to a huge room, so large that Zelgadis couldn’t see to the other side."

(You remember how it looks. The whole room has a huge pool of water rather than a floor, with large stepping stones leading to a tall crag towering over the center of the pool. A dim ray of light shines down on an object which sits on a pedestal at the very top)

FILIA: There it is.

ZEL: And that’s all there is to it?

FILIA: Er… yes.

ZEL: (pause) Well. I’d better hurry. That old man is probably getting impatient.

(ZELGADIS begins jumping from stone to stone across the room while FILIA and LINA wait at the edge of the water. Finally, ZELGADIS reaches the bottom of the huge mound of rock and begins to climb the stairs leading to the top)

 

(OUT OF STORY)

XELLOSS: Things are going much too smoothly in this scene for my liking.

ZELGADIS: That’s too bad for you. If you’re bored then leave.

XELLOSS: Fortunately, I can remedy this problem easily! (he swipes the book from Amelia)

Amelia: Hey!

FILIA: No! Don’t let that filthy Mazoku read! He’ll make something horrible happen!

XELLOSS: I do hate it when someone spoils the story by saying what happens next. (smirking, he goes to the book) "All was going flawlessly until…"

 

(BACK IN STORY)

(LINA and FILIA wait for ZELGADIS. Bored, LINA idly looks around the room… and spots, only about ten feet away, a table packed with delectable food. LINA gawks for a moment, before heading over to the table. Meanwhile ZELGADIS is nearing the top of the stairs)

FILIA: Lina, no!

(LINA pays no attention)

(ZELGADIS reaches the top. He creeps over to the lamp. He pauses cautiously, then picks it up)

ZELGADIS: I wonder what’s so special about this old thing?

(Meanwhile, FILIA is trying to use her tassels to hold LINA back… but it does no good. LINA grabs a huge fruit from the table. ZELGADIS sees this just a little too late)

ZEL: LINA!!

XELLOSS VOICE: Oh, dear! How unfortunate. I guess you’ll all just have to die here!

(The entire temple begins rumbling and shaking as if there were an earthquake)

ZEL: Kuso!

(The water boils… then turns to steaming, bubbling purple magma)

FILIA: You weren’t supposed to touch anything!

(ZELGADIS is running down the steps… but the stepping stones leading back to solid ground begin exploding)

XELLOSS VOICE: Ah-ah-ah!

 

(OUT OF STORY)

LINA: You’re just loving this, aren’t you?

XELLOSS: Indeed I am.

 

(BACK IN STORY)

(FILIA picks up LINA, flipping her onto her, and flies over to where ZELGADIS is running out of stepping stones)

ZELGADIS: Hurry up!

(FILIA reaches ZELGADIS. He gets on and FILIA turns around and begins to race to the small door leading out of the room, but the magma bubbles up into a big purple tsunami and begins chasing them)

ZEL: Faster!

FILIA: I’m trying!

(FILIA makes it out of the room. The piles of treasure and masses of magic objects explode. Meanwhile FILIA is trying to dodge all the huge masses of rock that are falling from the ceiling)

XELLOSS VOICE: This is such fun!

(They can see the entrance to the temple ahead. The long staircase crumbles and falls into nothingness. The OLD MAN waits at the entrance)

FILIA: Look, there it is!

(Suddenly, a rock strikes FILIA, sending ZELGADIS and LINA flying. They manage to grab hold of the ledge at the entrance. Meanwhile, the rock has FILIA pinned to a ledge far below)

XELLOSS VOICE: Oh, what a predicament! (giggles)

OLD MAN: Give me the lamp! (reaches out)

ZEL: Help me up!

OLD MAN: Give me the lamp first!

ZEL: (scowls, then retrieves the lamp from his cloak and holds it up to the OLD MAN, still barely hanging on)

OLD MAN: (laughs) It’s mine! It’s finally mine!! (laughs some more)

ZEL: Old man! … Help me!

OLD MAN: Ah yes. The reward I promised you. (he smirks and forms a malevolent spell in his hands)

ZEL: Nani?!

(LINA screeches angrily and leaps from ZEL’S back onto the OLD MAN, biting his arm. The OLD MAN reels back, screaming in pain)

OLD MAN: (growls) You little! (He shakes off LINA, who goes slamming into ZELGADIS. ZEL looses his grip and goes tumbling back into the pit, getting scraped by ledges of rock along the way. Finally FILIA gets loose, catches ZEL and LINA, and brings them to rest on the floor. The entrance to the temple has gone—the entire thing has collapsed, trapping the three of them in the dark, deep chasm)

 

(OUT OF STORY)

FILIA: You cruel sadist! There’s been more violence and infliction of pain since you took over than there was in the whole story up to that point!

XELLOSS: Told you I could make this story better! Don’t worry, they don’t die, if that’s what you’re worried about. (XELLOSS begins reading again) "Zelgadis regained consciousness, battered and bruised, on the hard rock floor…"

 

(BACK IN STORY)

(We see the OLD MAN standing at the ruins of the temple. His image dissolves into its true form, VALGAAV)

VALGAAV: At last! It’s mine! After years of— (searches himself frantically) Na…ni?! N… no! NOOOO!!!!!

(the sound of XELLOSS’S giggle brings is back underground)

ZEL: I knew there was something wrong with that old man… well, at any rate, he’s got that lamp… and we’re trapped in here…

(LINA snickers and reaches into the hammerspace behind her back and pulls out… the lamp!)

ZEL: I should have expected as much. Well… it won’t do us any good. Wonder what it’s for?

(LINA shrugs, chittering)

ZEL: Hmm. There’s something written here. But it’s covered by all this filth…

FILIA: Don’t tell me…

(ZELGADIS begins to rub the lamp)

FILIA: NOOOOO!!! DON’T DO THAT!!

(a small puff of… purple smoke emerges from the spout)

ZEL: Eh? What was that?

FILIA: Oh no… … no… … …

(ZEL keeps on rubbing, until a huge column of smoke billows out of the spout. They watch in astonishment as the smoke forms the shape of a man… you guessed it… XELLOSS!, complete with a little wispy "tail" instead of legs. He takes up a large part of the chamber, towering above ZEL, LINA and FILIA)

XELLOSS: (stretches) Ohayou gozaimasu!

ZEL: (a la Haruto) Oh my God…

FILIA: I thought for sure I was rid of him…

XELLOSS: Filia! I haven’t seen you in a few… thousand… years! Of course, you didn’t have the pleasure of being cramped into a tiny little lamp for several millennia…

ZEL: Wha…

XELLOSS: (claps his hands once) Now! Who rubbed my lamp and set me free?

(LINA points a paw at ZELGADIS)

XELLOSS: Hee hee… This’ll be a bash!

(LINA gulps)

XELLOSS: (shrinks down to a fairly normal size) I am Xelloss of the magic lamp, at your service, Zelgadis-sama. (grins mischievously)

ZEL: What are you?… What are you talking about?

XELLOSS: (twirling his staff around like a baton) My! What an uneducated man, not knowing what a genie does!

FILIA: Listen, he’s the genie of the lamp. You set him free, he grants you three wishes…

ZEL: Wishes? (looks skeptical) I find this all rather hard to believe.

XELLOSS: Sou desu ne? I don’t think you realize what you’ve just unleashed!

FILIA: Unfortunately, you’re about to find out…

XELLOSS: Sou! Now sit back and listen carefully!

 

(OUT OF STORY)

LINA: Go figure. Xel makes himself the genie.

XELLOSS: This’ll be fun…

ZELGADIS: The thought of Xelloss as an all-powerful genie makes me nervous.

FILIA: But I like the idea of Xelloss being trapped in a little lamp and sealed away in a temple for thousands of years.

LINA: But wait, this means Xelloss gets to sing…

 

(IN STORY)

Parody of: "FRIEND LIKE ME"

Lead vocal: Xelloss

Open your eyes and take a look at me!

I got a power that’ll make your day!

I’m a genie and since you set me free

You get three wishes, Zel, now what’cha say?

This is your shining chance to be a star

And it’s no secret as to why I’m here

And all the better if it’s real bizarre

Just whisper your desires into my ear

And I’ll say

Mister Zelgadis-san

Just what would you like done?

Careful with your wording,

There’s the rub!

You and me are gonna have some fun!

Wow Wow Wow

Life is a mobster scene

And I’m your hired gun!

Tell me all your twisted, secret dreams

You an’ me are gonna have some fun!

That’s right, I’m awfully mischievous

What you want

Is what you got!

Carnal desire?

I’ll light your fire!

Tell me what you think would hit the spot!

Lies, murder, dirty tricks

I will not be outdone

I’ll even deal with politics

You an’ me are gonna have some fun!

Mister Zelgadis?

Can your friends change shape?

Do your friends do this

And leave them agape?

Can your friends go "poof?"

(giggles)

I’m genuine, mischief-inducing, it’s a blast

To be let out of that lamp at last

So don’t just sit there, tell Xel what you need

If it’s an evil deed, just turn to me

I can completely satisfy your greed

That is my fail-safe foolproof guarantee

I have this nagging need to do your will

So make your wish, I really gotta know

I can insult, betray, maim, steal and kill

And all you have to do his rub like so

And wow

Mister Zelgadis-san

Give me a trial run

Legal or not, just tell me what

You an’ me are gonna have, me are gonna have

You an’ me are gonna have, me are gonna have

You an’ me are gonna have some fun!

You an’ me are gonna have some fun!

(XELLOSS laughs, leaving everyone stunned)

FILIA: You see! I told you not to rub that lamp! Why does no one ever listen to me?

XELLOSS: Maybe because you’re a rug!

FILIA: I’m a carpet!

XELLOSS: So, Zelgadis-sama… what evil thing do you need done?

ZEL: Evil?

XELLOSS: Hai, hai! Anything mean, evil, malevolent or cruel is my specialty and pleasure!

ZEL: You mean you only grant evil wishes?

XELLOSS: (innocently) It’s what I was trained to do…

(LINA chitters her annoyance)

ZEL: Then what good are you?

FILIA: No good, that’s what…

XELLOSS: Don’t underestimate my wish-granting powers! The solution to your problem is to think of any valid reason why your granted wish might cause some evil of some sort.

ZEL: (sarcastically) Well, that sounds simple enough…

 

(OUT OF STORY)

LINA: This isn’t how the story goes at all!

Amelia: I don’t remember there being an evil genie.

ZELGADIS: That’s because there isn’t.

GOURRY: Here! Let me read for a while! (GOURRY grabs the book from XELLOSS) "Zelgadis knew what he would wish for. It was his dream to become a normal human again…"

 

(BACK IN STORY)

ZEL: Xelloss! I have my first wish!

XELLOSS: Really! And what might it be?

FILIA: Please be careful…

ZEL: Xelloss, I wish for you to make me a normal person of flesh and bone!

XEL: That’s all?

ZEL: I’ve been degraded and insulted just for being a golem for too long!

XELLOSS: Then save that wish for last and go for a little glory! Make them green with envy!

ZEL: The idea does have merit, I must admit.

FILIA: Don’t listen to that awful genie!

ZEL: Hmm…

FILA: Oh, kami…

ZEL: Xelloss! I want you to make me a wealthy and powerful prince!

XELLOSS: Splendid! This should be fun! (takes his staff in his hands) One wealthy and powerful prince, and a healthy dose of jealousy, coming right up!

FILIA: I really don’t believe this…

 

(The throne room of the palace in Saillunia. GOURRY sits on the throne, when VARVARV, with JILLAS perched on his shoulder, barges into the room)

VALGAAV: Your majesty! I finally have a solution to our problem.

GOURRY: What? You know how to get Shoujo Kakumei Utena released in America?

VALGAAV: (through his teeth) Your daughter. The problem with your daughter.

GOURRY: Of course! That problem!… Well, what is it?

(smiling slyly, VALGAAV opens up a book and reads from it)

VALGAAV: It says here that if a princess is not married by her eighteenth birthday, she shall marry… oh… (mock astonishment) the king’s royal adviser!

GOURRY: (ponders)… … … Who?

VALGAAV: Me. That’s me.

GOURRY: You? But… … are you sure?

VALGAAV: It says so right here in the book. Therefore it is law.

GOURRY: (VOICE OVER) "Little did King Gourry know Valgaav’s true plan: to marry Amelia, become King, and have Gourry and Amelia killed."

XELLOSS: (VOICE OVER) What a happy little twist!

LINA: (VOICE OVER) Shut up.

GOURRY: Well… (is about to cheerfully give his consent when a loud trumpet fanfare sounds off in the distance)

GOURRY: Eh?

VALGAAV: What’s that?

(They both run out to a balcony and see a parade entering town, led by a marching band, huge dragons, and other fantastic creatures marching in line)

GOURRY: All right, a parade!

(We look closer. At the very head of this entourage is XELLOSS. Directly behind is ZELGADIS, riding on a black dragon who looks suspiciously like LINA. A crowd has gathered in the street to see what’s happening. ZELGADIS, by the way, is wearing that puffy-sleeved prince outfit he wore in that one episode of Slayers TRY)

"PRINCE ZELIS"

Parody of: "PRINCE ALI"

Lead vocal: Xelloss

MEN: Banzai! It’s Prince Zelis!

Hai hai! It’s Prince Zelis!

(XELLOSS wanders into a crowd)

XELLOSS: All! Here my call! Parade coming through!

Look up! Listen up! Here’s a treat for you

Oh, look, here’s a man who’s a joy for all to see (points up at ZEL)

Look, look, there he goes!

Cheer, wave, throw a rose!

Respect him! Get on your knee! (XEL uses his staff to trip an onlooker onto his knees)

XELLOSS: Prince Zelis! Don’t you miss this!

Zelis Zelgadis!

His stone face! What solid grace (XEL tweaks ZEL’S cheek)

What a great smile! (XEL bends ZEL’S mouth into a broad grin)

A head of hair made of wire

You just can’t help but admire

A guy who’s got a spectacular sense of style!

Prince Zelis! Give him a kiss! (XEL smooches ZEL; he swipes at XEL)

Zelis Zelgadis!

He’s so cute, manly to boot

Intelligent, yes!

Now get on out in that street (XEL leads a guy into the street… where he gets trampled by the marching band)

I got someone I want you to meet

Come on, start kissing the feet

Of Prince Zelis!

SOLDIERS: He fought dragons and thieves without sweating!

SORCERERS: Fought Mazoku and won in his sleep!

XEL, POSING AS A GIRL: He’s popular with girls and here’s betting

You’ll fall for him too

I’m telling you,

You’ll just love him, I guarantee!

XELLOSS: Prince Zelis! Picture of bliss!

Zelis Zelgadis!

WOMAN: Like a dove, ally of love,

Justice and peace (XEL turns his head and grimaces)

(XELLOSS sweeps his arms out to sing his next line, hitting the WOMAN in the head)

XELLOSS: Zelis has come to your land

With his spectacular band

Now bow down and kiss the hand

Of Prince Zelis!

(sung in counterpoint)

GIRLS: To be sure, Zelgadis is impressive

Though his entourage may be excessive

All those dragons, seen at once can quite unnerve one

He’s a hero, he’s superb, amazing

He’s about to set my heart ablazing

He’s a prince and a great man, and we deserve one!

CROWD: He’s a smart man, he always has answers

CHIBI XEL PUPPETS ON ZEL’S SHOULDERS: (He’s a genius! Such a genius!)

XELLOSS: He’s good natured and loves little kids! (XEL turns into two small children)

XEL KIDS: (Mr. Zelis! Let’s play, Zelis!) (The XEL kids pester ZEL, who looks extremely annoyed)

CROWD: He bests wise men, strong men and romancers

Just what can’t he do?

It’s just like we knew

He’s perfect, too (The parade reaches the palace door)

It’s true that wonders will never cease (GOURRY runs eagerly to open the door)

For Zelis! (VALGAAV holds it shut and scowls)

Prince Zelis! (The door quivers)

(XELLOSS leads the entourage in, slamming the tall doors against the wall, smushing VALGAAV and JILLAS)

XEL, CROWD: Prince Zelis! Never amiss!

Zelis Zelgadis!

(XELLOSS approaches GOURRY and puts an arm around his shoulder)

XEL: Heard your princess was a doll, lovely to kiss!

(ZEL scowls disapprovingly at XEL from atop LINA)

XELLOSS: And that’s the reason, you know,

That he’s put on this big show

CROWD: He’s irresistible, come and adore

Come bow down and respect

And kneel ‘till you’re sore

You’re gonna love this guy

It’s no question why

Our king is just loving this

Make way for Prince Zelis!

(XEL gives ZEL a hard pat on the back; ZEL tumbles down LINA’S long neck and comes to a rest in front of the throne where GOURRY sits, then disappears into the lamp)

 

(OUT OF STORY)

FILIA: So the genia… Xelloss (she scowls) made is sound like Zelgadis is another suitor for Amelia? Why?

LINA: He’s obviously got something up his sleeve.

GOURRY: I can’t think of much that would fit up Xelloss’s sleeve. (LINA whacks him)

FILIA: At any rate, I think it’s my turn to read. (she takes the book) "King Gourry applauded and said—"

 

(BACK IN STORY)

GOURRY: That was great!

(VALGAAV limps back over to the throne)

(ZEL stands up as FILIA floats on over)

ZEL: Your majesty. I am Prince Zelis and Zelgadis, and

(a little puff of purple comes out of the lamp as XELLOSS works some trickery)

ZEL: (XEL SPEAKING) I have come to seek your daughter’s hand in marriage. (ZEL looks startled at what he’s just said… we hear a faint giggle from XELLOSS)

GOURRY: Great! (turns to VALGAAV) You won’t have to marry Amelia after all. (to ZEL) Oh, I’m so happy that a prince like you has come here! (gestures to VARVARV) That’s Valgaav. He’s delighted too.

(VALGAAV scowls) (GOURRY notices FILIA)

GOURRY: Hmm? What’s this?

ZEL: It’s a flying carpet.

GOURRY: Oh! … … What does it do?

ZEL: … … it flies.

GOURRY: Can I try it?

ZEL: (ponders) I don’t see why not.

GOURRY: All right! (hops on FILIA)

FILIA: Ow!

(VALGAAV glowers down at GOURRY)

VALGAAV: Your Majesty. I must persist in my disapproval of this situation.

GOURRY: Aw, lighten up, Val. (he takes FILIA by the tassels) Giddy up!

(We hear a chuckle from the lamp)

(FILIA reluctantly starts flying GOURRY around the throne room) (VALGAAV approaches ZELGADIS)

VALGAAV: Where was it you said you were from?

ZEL: Is it any of your concern?

VALGAAV: In fact, it is.

(Meanwhile, GOURRY is zooming and looping around the room. With a light chuckle, XELLOSS waves his finger and crashes him into LINA’S rear. LINA in rage, puffs fire at JILLAS, singeing feathers. GOURRY continues on, only to crash into a wall)

GOURRY: I… tai… (FILIA crumples to the floor)

(Meanwhile)

VALGAAV: What makes you think you’re worthy of Princess Amelia?

GOURRY: (stumbling over) I think he’s worthy… … ow…

VALGAAV: (scowls) He is, after all, a golem.

(ZELGADIS fumes)

ZELGADIS: Valgaav-san! I am not only worthy of Amelia, but I will win her heart!

(We see Amelia watching this conversation from the door)

VALGAAV: It will never happen!

ZELGADIS: Amelia will fall for me. Make no mistake about it.

Amelia: How could you! The three of you… you’re just planning out my future for me like I’m an object or a prize!

GOURRY: But—

Amelia: INJUSTICE!

ZELGADIS: But—

(Amelia runs back to where she had came from, leaving the men looking perplexed or frustrated, depending on the character)

 

(It’s evening. ZELGADIS, XELLOSS, LINA and FILIA lounge in the courtyard below the balcony of Amelia’S room, ZEL leans up against a tree, LINA sits, devouring a pile of food, and XELLOSS and FILIA play chess on a floating chessboard)

FILIA: My knight takes your bishop. (FILIA uses one of her tassels to make the move and toss XEL’S bishop aside)

ZEL: Now, tell me, Xelloss… why did you make me say I wanted to marry Amelia?

XEL: Just part of the whole "making your enemies jealous" scheme. (to FILIA) My rook slits the throat of your knight.

(XEL’S rook graphically slaughters FILIA’S knight, which disappears)

FILIA: Stop doing that! My pawn takes your rook. (FILIA makes the move)

ZEL: But using the Princess like that… isn’t that exploitation?

XEL: (thinks a moment, staring at the chessboard) Hmm… I suppose it is! But what if you marry her? That means you get to be King. (to FILIA) My King has your pawn beheaded.

(the top of FILIA’S pawn pops off)

FILIA: Ah! If you continue doing that, then I’ll quit!

XEL: If you quit, then I win by default.

FILIA: … … My queen takes your pawn.

ZEL: But I don’t want to be King. (but looks unsure about that) Besides, I still have two wishes left. I could make myself a king just by wishing for it.

XEL: Don’t go making unwise wishes like that. (to FILIA) My knight rapes your queen.

(FILIA grabs her queen)

FILIA: Don’t you dare!

XEL: (disappointed) Aw…

FILIA: That’s it! If you want to play, you’ll have to learn to play maturely! (she floats away)

ZEL: Well, it’s not as if you’ve ever gotten to come up with three wishes of your own.

XEL: Hmm. Well, all I want is freedom from that lamp. As it is, I’m a prisoner of the lamp and under the control of whoever possesses it.

ZEL: Serves you right.

XEL: The only chance I have is if my master were to wish me free.

ZEL: Well… I hate to disappoint you, but you probably shouldn’t count on it.

XEL: (floats over to ZEL) Do I sense some hostility here?

ZEL: You’re supposed to be helping me! And so far you’ve been nothing but trouble. I’ve never heard such rotten advice.

XEL: (ponders for a moment) Here’s some advice. Prove that Valgaav guy wrong. Prove that a golem can win a Princess’s heart.

ZEL: You’ve got something up your sleeve. I know it.

XEL: (laughs) Wasn’t Princess Amelia one of the only people who didn’t criticize and judge you just for being a golem?

ZEL: Well, that’s true, but—

(Then, a voice from above causes everyone to look up)

Amelia: Prince Zelis? Is that you down there?

ZEL: (calling up) Er, hai!

Amelia: What are you doing out there?

XELLOSS: (to ZEL) Why don’t you go on up there?

ZEL: (frowns at XELLOSS) Well, as opposed to the alternative…

 

(OUT OF STORY)

Amelia: What a shallow reason to want to get a girl to fall in love with you!

ZELGADIS: Go figure. The only time anyone acts in character is when they get to read.

(XELLOSS chuckles)

LINA: What are you laughing at?

XELLOSS: Nothing at all! I’d simply like to propose that Amelia be the next to read!

FILIA: (skeptically) Why?

(Amelia has already taken the book back)

Amelia: "And so, Zelgadis rode on Filia, the magic carpet, up to the balcony where Princess Amelia was waiting…"

 

(BACK IN STORY)

ZELGADIS: (stepping off FILIA and onto the balcony) Konban wa.

Amelia: Good evening to you, too.

ZEL: I… thought you were mad at me.

Amelia: Well…

(XELLOSS, meanwhile, appears as a tiny chibi on ZEL’S shoulder. No one seems to notice)

XELLOSS: Zel-san! Now would be a good time to compliment the lady!

ZEL: (looks at XEL in annoyance, but then looks back at Amelia) You look so pretty tonight, Amelia… (he looks unsure of himself)

XEL: Smart.

ZEL: You’re smart…

XEL: Nice.

ZEL: You’re nice…

XEL: Sexy.

ZEL: You’re sexy… (realizes what he’s just said) Er… uh…

(XELLOSS giggles and disappears)

Amelia: If you insist on speaking like that, you should go.

(ZEL looks like he’s about to protest, but doesn’t)

ZEL: You’re absolutely right. Well. Perhaps I’ll speak to you later.

(ZEL gets back on FILIA)

Amelia: (points to FILIA) Is that a…

ZEL: Yes… it’s a flying carpet.

Amelia: Kirei desu…

ZEL: Would you like to try it?

Amelia: Is it really safe?

ZEL: It’s very safe.

(Amelia gets on beside ZELGADIS and they both take off into the night sky)

"A SLAYERS WORLD"

Parody of: "A WHOLE NEW WORLD"

Lead vocal: Zelgadis, Amelia

ZELGADIS: I can show you a world

Full of dragons and monsters

Let me show you the things you’ve

Never seen before

It’s a magical place

Though this world’s a bit bizarre

You’ll know how precious your friends are

When you’ve got perils galore

A Slayers world

A fun, fantastic place to be

This world is dangerous, sure

It’s got allure

Majestic and exciting

Amelia: A Slayers world

Where a "Ray Wing" can make you fly

A "Dil Brand" is your top gun

It’s lots of fun

‘Cause now we’re here, it doesn’t matter why

ZELGADIS: Now we’re here, it doesn’t matter why

Amelia: Demons, beast men and more

I see them while we’re soaring

Over a world never boring

Full of wonder and surprise

A Slayers world

ZELGADIS: (Wars and legends and spells)

Amelia: Where things are never as they seem

ZELGADIS: (Full of tricks and illusions)

Amelia: A place of fun and food

And humorous mood

I just can’t leave or say it’s just a dream

ZELGADIS: A Slayers world

Amelia: (Many stories to tell)

ZELGADIS: Ryuuzoku and Mazoku in a fight

Amelia: (Each with twisted delusions)

BOTH: A realm of queens and kings

And myths and things

Let’s both share this silent Slayers night

ZELGADIS: A Slayers world

Amelia: A Slayers world

ZELGADIS: That’s where we’ll be

Amelia: That’s where we’ll be

ZELGADIS: Forevermore

Amelia: There’s lots in store

BOTH: For you and me

 

(OUT OF STORY)

FILIA: Amelia… that was lovely…

(XELLOSS looks rather ill)

XELLOSS: (smirk) And now it’s my turn! (grabs the book) "After a long romantic flight, Zelgadis and Princess Amelia returned to the palace."

 

(BACK IN STORY)

Amelia: Thank you, Zelis-san. I hope we can do it again sometime.

ZEL: I hope so to.

(They stand in an awkward pause, staring at each other. XELLOSS smiles… and uses a bit of magic to cause Amelia to stumble into ZELGADIS’S arms—the two kiss gently)

(Amelia, VOICE OVER: Xelloss-san! I didn’t think you had it in you!)

(FILIA, VOICE OVER: Shh! Don’t interrupt.)

ZEL: Sleep well, Princess Amelia.

Amelia: See you tomorrow. (Amelia retreats to her room; ZELGADIS gets back on FILIA and floats to the ground)

(ZELGADIS is preoccupied putting the lamp in his cloak, when he’s suddenly grabbed by a bunch of those lizard henchmen guys, and bound and gagged. Looking up, he sees VALGAAV standing over him)

ZEL: (angrily) Mrphmm mmph!

VALGAAV: (stares at ZEL for a moment) Kill him. Make sure his body is never found.

(The lizard guys drag ZEL away, still struggling for all he’s worth)

 

(OUT OF STORY)

FILIA: Leave it to Xelloss to have something awful happen to the hero just when things are going perfectly!

XELLOSS: Come now, Filia-chan! I enjoy tying people up almost as much as I like maiming them. Don’t worry… he lives, if that’s what you’re worried about.

Amelia: Don’t spoil it for us!

LINA: You know he’ll live, Amelia! He has to!

Amelia: But with Xelloss-san telling the story, who knows what will happen?

XELLOSS: Sou! (returns to the book) "They took Zelgadis to a cliff high above the sea… and threw him over."

 

(BACK IN STORY)

(Another great scene from the movie. ZELGADIS plummets downwards, hitting the water with a huge splash. Being made of stone, he sinks right to the bottom, needing no iron ball like Aladdin did. By some incredible fortune, the lamp falls out of his cloak, near him. ZELGADIS notices it fall out. But since his hands are tied behind his back, he has trouble getting to it. Before he can rub it, he slumps unconscious. By another stroke of good luck, the shoulder of his cloak rubs the lamp, and XELLOSS pops out)

XEL: Nani? (he notices ZELGADIS) Yare yare! Looks like I missed all the fun again! There’s something very pressing about this situation… what was it? Ah yes! Looks like he’s drowned…

(he shakes ZELGADIS)

XEL: Zelgadis-san! Wake up! I need you to wish for me to save your life!

(nothing happens)

XEL: Looks like it’s up to me…

(XELLOSS picks up ZELGADIS and carries him back out of the water. Coughing and wheezing, ZELGADIS regains consciousness)

ZEL: Mmph…

(XEL removes the gag)

ZEL: Arigatou.

XEL: Don’t even mention it! (smiles cheerfully, ignoring the fact that ZELGADIS is still tied up)

ZEL: Could you untie me, please?

XEL: (sighs) Aw… okay. (he unties ZELGADIS)

ZEL: (stands up) I never would have expected that from Valgaav! But he doesn’t know I have a genie and two wishes on my side!

XEL: Ahem. Make that a genie and one wish on your side. You used that wish when I saved your life.

ZEL: (fumes) You absolutely couldn’t have saved me out of the goodness of your heart?

XEL: I’m not allowed to… that’s how it works. So, are you going to use your last wish to get back at Valgaav, or to turn you back into a human?

ZEL: I… don’t know.

XEL: (smirks) Well! Let me know when you decide!

 

(back in the palace, in Amelia’S room, Amelia sits reading a book, the cover of which has "JUSTICE" written on it)

(Enter GOURRY)

Amelia: Oh, Daddy! (puts the book down) Oh Daddy, I had a wonderful time last night! I’m so happy!

GOURRY: (cheerfully) You should be! See, I’ve finally chosen a husband for you!

Amelia: N… nani?

GOURRY: You will marry Valgaav!

(VALGAAV enters the room. Amelia gasps)

Amelia: VALGAAV?!

(VALGAAV smirks)

VOICE: Hold on there, Valgaav!

(ZEL strides in, still soaking wet)

ALL: Zelis!

ZEL: Are you surprised to see me, Valgaav?

(VALGAAV glares at ZELGADIS)

ZEL: Tell them the truth, Valgaav! You tried to have me killed. Didn’t you?

GOURRY: (actually expecting an honest answer) Is that true, Valgaav?

VALGAAV: He’s lying, Your Majesty.

(GOURRY looks puzzled)

GOURRY: Oh. OK!

ZEL: Your Majesty! Valgaav is an evil man! It would be a mistake to listen to him! I suggest you call the guards.

GOURRY: Oh, OK! The guards! The guards!

(mass facefault—the guards do arrive, but it’s too late. VALGAAV has literally disappeared)

ZEL: Shimatta!

GOURRY: Well, that’s okay! He’s gone now! And with that business out of the way, Amelia, you can marry Prince Zelis!

Amelia: (overjoyed) Oh, Daddy!

GOURRY: And I’m sure that Zelis will make a great king!

 

(OUT OF STORY)

ZELGADIS: I don’t like the way this story is developing.

XELLOSS: Oh, boo hoo.

FILIA: I can remedy that. (FILIA swipes the book)

FILIA: Ahem. (She looks back to the book) "Zelgadis returned to his palace suite to ponder his situation…"

 

(BACK IN STORY)

(ZELGADIS sits in his suite, looking rather sulky as he polishes his hair (heehee) The lamp sits nearby on ZELGADIS’S bed)

ZEL: (to himself) I don’t know what I’ll do…

XEL: What do you mean, you don’t know?

(ZELGADIS whirls around to see XELLOSS lying on his bed, with his arms crossed behind his head)

ZEL: What are you doing here?

XEL: My! Such ungratefulness! Look how far my magic has gotten you!

ZEL: Like hell! I’m backed into a corner, here! I don’t want to be the king!

XEL: Don’t you like Amelia?

ZEL: (blushes) Well…

XEL: How cute! You’re blushing!

ZEL: Shut up! Get back in your lamp!

(XELLOSS shrugs and, with a giggle, floats back into his lamp)

ZEL: Good riddance… I guess I’ll just have to tell Amelia the truth about me…

(poof)

XEL: Why bother? You’re on top of the world!

(ZELGADIS glares at XELLOSS, who has glomped onto ZEL’S back. He flails wildly at XEL)

ZEL: GET OUT OF HERE!

XEL: Very well! If you need anything, don’t be afraid to rub! (XEL goes back in)

(ZELGADIS quickly picks up the lamp and puts his finger over the spout)

XEL: (muffled) Zelgadis-sama, what are you doing?

(ZEL pops a cork into the spout)

ZEL: That should hold you.

(ZELGADIS tosses the lamp back onto the bed. The cork budges as if it’s being pushed against, but doesn’t move any more than that)

Amelia: (VOICE) Zelis! Prince Zelis! Come out here!

(ZELGADIS looks out the door, then leaves)

(We see JILLAS perched above the door)

JILLAS: (voice of Amelia) Out here in the courtyard, Zelis!

(We see ZELGADIS pass by, upon which, JILLAS flies into ZEL’S room)

JILLAS: (snickering) Oh, Varvarv-sama will be so proud of me!

(He lands on the bed and picks up the lamp with his feet and flies off)

(XELLOSS: (VOICE OVER) So, you had me abducted by the enemy, eh, Filia-chan?)

(FILIA: (VOICE OVER) I like the idea of you being cooped up in that lamp!)

(LINA: (VOICE OVER) Hey! Stop interrupting! Shut up and tell us what happens next!)

(FILIA: (VOICE OVER) Very well. "Jillas brought the lamp back to Valgaav’s secret chamber. Valgaav was most pleased…"

VALGAAV: I am most pleased… And now, it begins! (VALGAAV takes the cork out of the lamp and gives it a rub)

VALGAAV: Genie! Come out!

(XELLOSS poofs out of the lamp)

XEL: Wai! (XEL glomps onto VALGAAV) Eh? You’re not—

(VALGAAV pulls XELLOSS around to face him)

VALGAAV: Indeed I’m not! I am your new master! You’ll follow MY orders now!

XEL: How lovely. Unfortunately, I have an unfinished contract with a certain golem, so if you’ll excuse me!

(VALGAAV grabs XELLOSS’S "tail")

VALGAAV: You’ll do as I say!

XELLOSS: Oh, dear…

 

(The throne room. ZELGADIS runs in to find Amelia)

ZEL: Amelia. There you are. Amelia, I have something to tell you.

Amelia: It’ll have to wait, Zelis-san! The whole kingdom is outside waiting for Daddy’s announcement!

ZEL: But Amelia—

(Amelia takes ZELGADIS by the wrist)

Amelia: Come on, Zelis-san!

(As ZELGADIS is pulled onto the balcony, he sees an immense throng of cheering people)

GOURRY: (to the crowd) Eh… hi.

(crowd cheers)

GOURRY: I have something to say! Amelia has finally chosen to marry… Prince Zelis Zelgadis!

(crowd cheers some more)

 

(VALGAAV’S chamber)

VALGAAV: Genie! I want to make my first wish! I wish to become the King of Saillunia!

XEL: But, sir—

VALGAAV: Do it now!

XEL: … Hai…

 

(back to the balcony)

(GOURRY’S kingly robes and oversized crown disengage from his body, leaving him in his Hikari no Ken boxers (Yum, check it out, Gourry fans!))

GOURRY: Hmm. Now that’s strange.

ZEL: What’s going on here?

(GOURRY’S robes fit themselves to VALGAAV, who has appeared above them)

ZEL: Damn you, Valgaav!

VALGAAV: (laughs) Curse me all you like. I rule now!

GOURRY: What’s going on?

ZEL: Smile while you can, Valgaav. (he reaches into his cloak for the lamp, but realizes he never put it there) The lamp!

(VALGAAV holds up the lamp)

VALGAAV: Let this be a lesson to you. Always keep an eye on your valuables.

ZEL: You thief!

(VALGAAV ignores ZELGADIS and rubs the lamp)

VALGAAV: Genie! Get out here!

GOURRY: I’m confused…

(XELLOSS pops out of the lamp)

XELLOSS: What do you wish… Valgaav-sama?

ZEL: Xelloss!

XELLOSS: Gomen, Zelgadis-san. (shrugs) That’s how it is.

VALGAAV: Genie! I wish for you to make me the most potent magician in the world! Now!

XELLOSS: But sir—

VALGAAV: Now! Or it’s back to the lamp with you.

XEL: Very well. (XEL waves his staff, and VALGAAV is again in his original clothing)

Amelia: This is unjust! This is villainous! You’re a villain, a traitor, and a liar!

(VALGAAV glares at Amelia)

VALGAAV: A liar, am I? Then allow me… to shed some truth on the situation!

"PRINCE ZELIS (REPRISE)"

Parody of: "PRINCE ALI (REPRISE)"

Lead vocal: Valgaav

Prince Zelis!

Something’s amiss!

This party has ended!

Hear my whim

And look at him!

Pray, take a look at this!

That guy you met just last week

Is just a stone-headed freak

Say "ja ne" to your precious Prince Zelis!

(ZELGADIS’S prince outfit transforms back to his original clothing and Amelia gasps as she recognizes him from earlier)

ZEL: Amelia, I was going to tell you…

GOURRY: Guys, what’s happening?

ZEL: I’m sorry, Amelia. But I’m not a prince.

VALGAAV: And neither do you look the part!

VALGAAV: (singing again)

So Zelis

Actually is

Merely Zelgadis

Ano!

Just let me show

What you have missed!

This awful and freakish face

Makes me feel it’s my place

To rid this kingdom of this wretched Zel

To the lower reaches of Dante’s hell

To boot the soul of

This lowly golem to the ends of the world

Good-bye! (VALGAAV casts a spell—and sends ZEL flying)

Ja ne, ex-Prince Zelis!

 

VALGAAV: He’s gone! Now, no one can stop me.

(While VALGAAV is gloating, XELLOSS waves a finger and sends LINA and FILIA off in the direction ZELGADIS was sent)

GOURRY: Well, I’ll take a shot at it!

(GOURRY draws Hikari no Ken)

GOURRY: HIKARI O!

(GOURRY attacks VALGAAV, but the attack proves useless)

Amelia: VIS FAN RANK!!

(This attack is also no good. The attacks won’t hurt him at all)

 

(OUT OF STORY)

Amelia: It’s looking pretty bleak for the good guys.

FILIA: Now, now! The classic happy-ending story always has a period of bleakness before the happy ending! To build suspense.

LINA: Hai, hai… so… what happens next?

FILIA: I’m… not sure…

ZELGADIS: (sweatdrop) She storytold herself into a corner…

LINA: Hmm… Here, give me the book, Filia! I’ve got an idea!

(FILIA gives the book to LINA)

LINA: Ahem… "Meanwhile…"

 

(BACK IN STORY)

(Remember the place Valgaav went to in the last episode of Slayers TRY? That’s where ZELGADIS ends up)

ZEL: Uhh… where am I now? … (he stands up and looks around him) It doesn’t matter! I have to get back to Saillunia somehow!

(ZELGADIS stands there trying to think of a plan when a shadow falls over him)

ZEL: (looking up) Nani?

(ZELGADIS is then hit by LINA, who rode all the way there on FILIA)

LINA: (angry monkey chatter)

FILIA: Lina, calm down! Zelgadis-san, get on me! I’ll take you back to Saillunia!

ZEL: Hai!

(ZELGADIS climbs on and FILIA takes off toward the horizon)

 

(GOURRY and Amelia are still battling it out against VALGAAV. VALGAAV obviously holds the upper hand)

GOURRY: Nothing works! Amelia! Sing something happy about life!

Amelia: Hai! (singing) "Life is wonderful, life is great! Happy, happy…"

(VALGAAV’S eyebrow twitches)

GOURRY: Amelia! I think it’s working!

Amelia: Right! HAMMER OF JUSTICE ATTACK!

(VALGAAV deflects Amelia’s blow)

VALGAAV: Don’t underestimate me! You cannot beat me.

ZEL: Don’t bet on it, Valgaav!

(ZELGADIS enters the scene with LINA and FILIA)

VALGAAV: You! I’m through playing! This time, I’ll kill you!

ZEL: RA TILT!

(It doesn’t work; nothing ZELGADIS tries will work)

Amelia: Zelgadis-san, nothing works against him!

VALGAAV: I am sick of this. (VALGAAV takes the lamp out and rubs it) Genie! Get out here!

(XELLOSS comes out)

XEL: Hai?

(VALGAAV points to GOURRY, LINA, FILIA, ZELGADIS and Amelia)

VALGAAV: Dispose of them, now!

XEL: (grins) Is that your final wish?

VALGAAV: What?

XEL: If you want me to do anything, it’ll have to be a wish. I can do anything, but only if you wish for it.

VALGAAV: No! I’m not wasting my final wish on them!

(ZEL gets an idea)

ZEL: That’s right, Valgaav! Xelloss is far more powerful than you! He gave you all your power, and he could take it away just as easily!

Amelia: Zelgadis-san, what are you doing?

VALGAAV: He’s right! That genie is more powerful than I. But that shall soon be remedied! XELLOSS!

XEL: (smugly) Yes, Valgaav-sama?

VALGAAV: Grant me my final wish! I wish to become an all-powerful genie like yourself!

FILIA: Zelgadis-san, look what you’ve done!

ZEL: Trust me.

XEL: Very well, Valgaav-sama.

(XELLOSS points his staff at VALGAAV and releases an explosive spell. As in the movie, VALGAAV becomes enormous and glowing with power)

VALGAAV: Yes! I can feel the absolute, unstoppable power surging through me! I am the perfect master of all sorcery and magic!

(And, like in the movie, a lamp, identical to XELLOSS’S but colored the green-blue of VALGAAV’S hair, appears)

ZEL: That’s right, Valgaav! But there’s one little catch you forgot about!

VALGAAV: W-what!

(VALGAAV starts getting sucked into the lamp, taking JILLAS with him)

VALGAAV: No! NOOOOOO!!!

XELLOSS: Ja ne, Valgaav-"sama."

(The last of the VALGAAV-vapor goes into the lamp)

Amelia: Hooray! You did it, Zelgadis-san!

(ZELGADIS breathes a sigh of relief)

XELLOSS: Zelgadis-sama! May I remind you that you still have one wish remaining? (XELLOSS glomps onto ZELGADIS)

ZEL: Get off me! You don’t need to remind me!

XELLOSS: Do you know what you’ll wish for? Hmm? Hmm? HMM??

ZEL: YES I DO!!

XELLOSS: (glomp-huggles ZELGADIS) Oh, good!

(ZELGADIS is fuming)

XELLOSS: Well? Well what is it?

(ZELGADIS cracks)

ZEL: Gaaah! I wish I was rid of you!

(XELLOSS giggles and bows deeply)

ZEL: No wait…

XEL: Your wish is my command, Zelgadis-sama!

ZEL: No! That’s not what I meant!

(XELLOSS glows for a second, then his "tail" becomes feet… and his lamp shatters)

ZEL: Noo… Now I’ll never get my cure…

GOURRY: Wow! That was really nice of you to use your last wish on Xelloss! I’d be more than happy to let you marry Amelia!

Amelia: Oh, I’m so happy!

(Amelia hugs ZELGADIS)

XELLOSS (winking): And we all lived happily ever after!

ZEL: I beg to differ!

Amelia: Zelgadis-san… J

(ZELGADIS tries to smile)

 

"SAILLUNIAN NIGHTS (REPRISE)"

Parody of: "ARABIAN NIGHTS (REPRISE)"

Lead vocal: All

LINA: Well that’s just how it goes!

ZEL: I think this really blows!

FILIA: Watch your language, that word’s not nice!

GOURRY: I’m not sure what went on!

ZEL: That Xel-genie’s a con!

XEL: There is merit in thinking twice!

Amelia: Truth and love have won out!

LINA: Zel, don’t sit there and pout!

GOURRY: At least everything worked out right!

XEL: That’s the end of this fic!

ZEL: And the end of his tricks!…

ALL: Till another Saillunian Nights!

 

 

THE END