A note from the author: This story has been rated… eh… PG-13 for jokes about bondage. But it’s all good, don’t worry. There is no graphic sex to be found here. In part, this also serves as a sort of tutorial, just for the fun of it! Heehee… If you think I’m perverted, you’re right. Flame me if you like. I don’t care.

As to continuity, I suppose this could take place during or after Slayers TRY.

Yes, I know this story is TWISTED. DEAL WITH IT! Anyway, it’s on FFN at http://www.fanfiction.net/read.php?storyid=246080 in case you’d like to write a review… Boy do I know how to digress or what? Anyway, without further ado, here’s "CLUB BiSDiM."

(LINA, GOURRY, AMELIA, ZELGADIS and FILIA are strolling in a town one day, discussing the usual)

LINA: I feel like chicken tonight…

GOURRY: Nah. Roast beef.

ZELGADIS: We only had lunch an hour ago. Don’t tell me… (he looks at LINA and GOURRY a moment)

LINA: Eh?

ZELGADIS: Gomen… I forgot who I was talking to.

AMELIA: (yawns) What a boring town! There’s nothing here but inns, taverns, restaurants… I wish we could go somewhere and have some fun!

LINA and GOURRY: That’s what we were just talking about!

AMELIA: I’m not hungry, Lina-san…

FILIA: If all of you are so eager for some entertainment, perhaps a local would know some place.

VOICE: No need for that!

(MINNA look around, and finally see XELLOSS peeking out the door of a building)

XELLOSS: Come on in! There’s plenty of fun to go around!

(MINNA look up at the sign above the door. It reads: CLUB BSDM)

GOURRY: "Club Bisdim?"

ZELGADIS: BSDM… I think it’s an acronym… but I can’t remember what the letters stand for…

FILIA: "Big Scary Dumb Mazoku."

XELLOSS: (feigning being hurt) Yare yare, Filia-chan! How rude! You’re all welcome here. Even selfish dragons.

FILIA: I don’t trust you. What’s in there?

XELLOSS: (waggles his finger) Sore wa himitsu desu.

LINA: (grabs GOURRY) Come on, Gourry! Let’s go see what Xelloss has in there!

GOURRY: Oi, Lina…

AMELIA: Lina-san! Wait for me!

ZELGADIS: Amelia! (ZEL goes in after her)

FILIA: No! Wait! (FILIA goes in too, leaving XELLOSS standing at the threshold, smiling slyly)

XELLOSS: Well. This should be entertaining. (XELLOSS giggles and goes in)

(EVERYONE come out of a hall into a large sitting room where eight other people are sitting, all sitting in couples. Most of them are male/female couples, but there’s an odd boy/boy or girl/girl couple occasionally)

XELLOSS: Konnichi wa, minna-san!

LINA: Okay, Xelloss. Where are we?

GIRL: We’re so glad you could make it!

BOY: (next to GIRL) I had no idea! The great sorceress Lina Inverse is here! Welcome to the club!

LINA: (sweatdrop) Eh? Club?

FIRST COUPLE: Bondage!

SECOND COUPLE: Sadism!

THIRD COUPLE: Disciplinism!

FOURTH COUPLE: Masochism!

ALL COUPLES: WE ARE ECCHI!

(This leaves all our heroes stunned/scared/puzzled, depending on the character. ZEL makes a slightly scared face… GOURRY looks confused… the rest are left agape)

GOURRY: I don’t know what any of those words mean…

LINA: Jellyfish no baka! (WHACK)

ZELGADIS: So THAT’S what "BSDM" stands for! I remember now!

XELLOSS: (claps his hands once) Zelgadis-san! I’m intrigued that you know what it stands for!

ZELGADIS: (with eyes closed) That doesn’t mean I’m interested in it…

AMELIA: W… what is all this?

XELLOSS: It’s a clinic! Just have a seat and enjoy! (XELLOSS turns to the couples) Konnichi wa, minna-san! Today our clinic is going to be on the wonderful and exciting art of bondage!

(Excited murmurs go up from the small group. LINA, ZEL, AMELIA and FILIA look disturbed. GOURRY looks confused)

LINA: (grumbles) Only a Mazoku would teach a bondage class…

FILIA: Let’s get out of here.

XELLOSS: Ah ah! You guys are going to help me demonstrate knot techniques! (he turns to the "class") Amelia and Zelgadis will now demonstrate how to perform a "cinch" knot.

ZELGADIS: No we won’t.

(XELLOSS shrugs innocently)

XELLOSS: That’s okay if you’re afraid. I thought you could handle this.

ZELGADIS: Nani? Give me that rope!

AMELIA: Eeee! Zelgadis-san, I don’t want to be tied up…

ZELGADIS: Hmm… (he passes AMELIA the rope) Then, you do it.

XELLOSS: (giggles) Amelia, our lovely domme, will now demonstrate the cinch knot on Zelgadis under my instruction.

AMELIA: Zelgadis-san? Are you sure?

ZELGADIS: (smiles) Be gentle. (He puts his wrists forward)

XELLOSS: Okay, Amelia-san! Tie the rope once around Zel’s wrists… (as XELLOSS directs, AMELIA carries out the directions) Now, start wrapping the rope around his wrists in a figure eight!

FILIA: This is horrible! I can’t believe I’m here! I’m a disgrace!

LINA: Be quiet before Xelloss demonstrates how to make a crotch rope on you.

FILIA: NANIIIII??!!! (FILIA faints)

XELLOSS: (looks at FILIA) Oh, dear. (shrugs) Now, Amelia, wrap the rope between Zel’s wrists at a perpendicular angle to the rest of the rope and tie it off, and you’re done!

AMELIA: Okay! Done!

XELLOSS: (to the "class") And that concludes my instruction on the cinch knot! Zelgadis-san, you looks so cute all tied up… (XELLOSS glomps onto ZELGADIS)

ZELGADIS: Okay, somebody quick untie me! Help!

LINA: Er… Xelloss, what’s the next technique?

XELLOSS: The next is a personal favorite of mine, the hog-tie! Who will volunteer to be the dom, and who will be the sub for this demonstration?

GOURRY: Dom? Sub? What’s that mean?

XELLOSS: (ultra cheerfully) I’m SO glad you asked that, Gourry-chan! A "dom" is the one who plays the dominant role, the person who does the tying! The "sub" is the one who plays the submissive role, and gets tied up! It’s as simple as that!

GOURRY: Oh… … … I don’t get it.

LINA: Baka! (whacks him a good one)

XELLOSS: Now. Who will be the dom and who will be the sub? (his eyes wander around the room to the now conscious FILIA) Filia-chan?

FILIA: EEEEEEEK! DON’T YOU DARE! (she draws Mace-sama and holds it at the ready)

XELLOSS: Filia-chan! How inventive! I never would have thought to use a mace in a sadism session! Feel in the dominant mood, Filia-chan?

(FILIA hits XELLOSS HARD with Mace-sama and beats him vigorously to a bloody pulp)

XELLOSS: (smoothing out the numerous dents in his person) Gourry-chan, how would you like to be our sub? Lina-san? Wanna be the dom?

GOURRY: (still doesn’t get it) Oh, sure!

LINA: Heh heh… sure! Sounds like fun!

XELLOSS: (opens one eye) That’s the spirit.

FILIA: This is evil, and awful and wrong, Lina-san! We have to leave here immediately.

LINA: Aw, chill out, Filia, it’s just a little fun.

FILIA: If we stay here much longer, we’ll all turn into horrible, disgusting perverts like that horrible Mazoku and it looks like I’m the only one who has any initiative to—

XELLOSS: (as FILIA rambles on) Please allow me to interrupt in order to demonstrate the "cleave" gag.

(XELLOSS takes a piece of cloth out of hammerspace and wraps it around FILIA’S head in between her teeth and ties it off behind her head)

FILIA: MMM MMMPHHHHH MMM MMMMPHHHH!!! (shaking her head)

XELLOSS: (giggles) Much better! Lina-san! (XELLOSS tosses a rope to LINA)

LINA: This might actually be fun…

GOURRY: (nervously) Oi… Lina…

LINA: (evilly) Gourrrryyyyyy…

(LINA pounces on GOURRY. We don’t see what goes on—we only see ZELGADIS and AMELIA wincing, FILIA holding her head in her hands, and XELLOSS smirking)

GOURRY: Ow ow! Lina!

LINA: Just hold still!

GOURRY: But Lina-san!

LINA: Stop squirming!

GOURRY: Gah!

LINA: There! All done!

(Cut to shot of LINA standing over GOURRY, who is tied in a classic super-hog-tie position)

GOURRY: Lina… this hurts…

LINA: Ah, quit whining!

XELLOSS: (claps his hands) Good job, Lina! What fun!

FILIA: MMM MMPPHHH MMPPHHMMM…

(ZELGADIS rips off the gag)

FILIA: Arigatou… (bursts into tears) I really don’t believe this…

(AMELIA raises her hand)

XELLOSS: Amelia-san, you have a question? I’m so glad you’re enthusiastic about my little class!

AMELIA: Yes, Mister Xelloss! I was wondering when and how this became a practice!

XELLOSS: Hmm… I’m not sure… but I wouldn’t be surprised if a Mazoku invented it! In all truth, in ancient Japan, bondage was used as a form of torture! Except the ropes were rougher and the prisoner was left there for prolonged periods of time!

GOURRY: (still tied up) Fascinating… would someone please untie me? These ropes hurt…

XELLOSS: It IS fascinating! Does anybody else have any questions?

(reluctantly, FILIA raises her hand)

XELLOSS: (gasps in mock joy) Filia-san! You have a question!

FILIA: Yes… does a person’s status as a submissive or a dominant reflect their behavior in live in general?

XELLOSS: I’m so glad you asked that! Actually, one’s status as a sub or dom has no connection to their everyday behavior! Actually, subs have been proven to be good leaders! And a dom isn’t necessarily an aggressive bully!

LINA: Hey! Enough with the lecture! Teach us some more techniques! This could come in handy!

XELLOSS: Okay!

GOURRY: Help me…

XELLOSS: Let’s see… what to teach next… (he turns to FILIA, smirking evilly) Filia-chan? Would you like to help me demonstrate breast bondage?

FILIA: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!! HENTAI NAMAGOMI! (FILIA whips out Mace-sama and bashes XELLOSS over the head with it)

XELLOSS: I appreciate the sentiment, Filia-chan… but sadism isn’t until the next class…

FILIA: Well don’t expect to see me there!

XELLOSS: (shrugs) Ah well. I can’t make you. (opens one eye evilly) Breast bondage is tying rope above and below the breasts. It tends to make them bulge out and make them look bigger.

GOURRY: (brightly) Hey, maybe if we did that to Lina, her breasts wouldn’t look so small!

LINA: I DON’T THINK SO!! (whacks GOURRY)

GOURRY: Owwwwwww…

XELLOSS: Next we come to one that’s one of my favorites—mummification!

ZELGADIS: I’m assuming you don’t mean drying out your partner’s body and removing their brain through their nose.

XELLOSS: Of course not! While that does sound promising…

LINA: Get on with it!

XELLOSS: Heehee! The most common material for mummification is plastic wrap! You could use tape but… that might be rather painful coming off.

(several members of the class wince)

XELLOSS: Let me take a minute to offer caution to all those who wish to try this! Do not leave your partner in mummification for too long! This is for two reasons: Mummification squeezes the blood vessels closest to the skin and restricts the amount of space the body is able to take up. Also, you actually take in some of your air through your skin, so when it’s completely covered for a long period of time… well… just don’t do it.

AMELIA: I never thought that there were safety tips for bondage!

XELLOSS: Everything you can do has a safe and unsafe way of doing it! Which reminds me to advise all you sexual deviants out there to NEVER do anything that would cut off your airway or that could lead to choking! Bondage is no fun if you can’t breathe!

ALL IN CLASS (except for Slayers crew): Hai!

XELLOSS: (turns to Slayers crew) I didn’t hear a "hai!"

SLAYERS CREW: Hai…

XELLOSS: We are approaching the end of my class! But before I conclude, I would like to acknowledge the fact that there are products out there that are specifically for bondage! The most common of which are handcuffs!

(In an incredibly quick motion, XELLOSS slips the handcuffs on FILIA)

FILIA: Hey!

XELLOSS: Also fairly common is the ball gag! It is usually a red-colored ball which goes in the mouth and fastens behind the head and sometimes also under the chin with straps!

(XELLOSS puts the ball gag on FILIA)

FILIA: RRPPHHHH RRRR RRRPHHHH!!!

XELLOSS: Also available is the spreader bar… umm…

(FILIA is giving XELLOSS a murderous look. XEL throws the bar away)

XELLOSS: Err… leather cuffs are good for if you don’t like the hard metal of handcuffs!

(grinning, XELLOSS puts ‘em on FILIA’s ankles)

FILIA: RRRRRRPPPPPPPPHHHHHHH!!!!!

XELLOSS: Besides that, there is several other equipment available, some of which I shouldn’t mention or this fic would be rated R or NC-17! ^_^

And so, this concludes my class on the art of bondage!

(meanwhile, ZELGADIS smirks and undoes FILIA’S bondage—FILIA immediately leaps onto XELLOSS and begins beating him to a bloody pulp with Mace-sama)

FILIA: Ecchi! Hentai! Namagomi! How dare you! I’ve never been so…

XELLOSS: (whilst getting beat up) And… remember everyone… have fun and… don’t… hurt… yourself… … leave that to furious golden dragons!

END