The Eau Claire Bible
Part two: Dead Priests and Nonexistent Books!
AN: This story shall be my love child with Insanity! Muwahahahahahaaaa!! Uh, actually... I'm beginning this second episode the same day that I wrote the first one. The story will stay in the "random insanity" category, hopefully. What are the shiny people? The shiny people are... something I made up myself! (strikes Martina pose) I guess they're just an enigma, like the "I eat morons" cat from The Moron Saga (WHICH EVERYONE SHOULD READ) Okay, that's enough! On to the story! It is, of course, at FFN at http://www.fanfiction.net/read.php?storyid=386769&chapter=2. Write me a review, please?


(REANNA'S car is speeding out of control down the highway, with ZELGADIS and CHIBI XELLOSS trapped inside!)
ZELGADIS: Okay, I think I watched Reanna enough to figure out how this thing works. (ZELGADIS scoots over into the driver's seat) What are these pedal things for?
CHIBI XELLOSS: I think you press the little one to make it stop.
ZELGADIS: What do you know about cars? AND WILL YOU STOP BEING A DAMN CHIBI!!! IT'S JUST WRONG FOR YOU TO BE CUTE!
CHIBI XELLOSS: Sorry. (CHIBI XELLOSS expands into his real-life size, but is sitting in ZEL'S lap)
ZELGADIS: Get off me, you fruitcake!!
XELLOSS: **giggles**
(ZELGADIS accidentally steps on the gas and grabs the steering wheel at the same time and the car goes out of control, almost hitting a huge truck)
ZELGADIS: WE'RE GONNA DIE!!
XELLOSS: Hmm... maybe if you hadn't tried to hit Reanna-chan, she would still be conscious.
ZELGADIS: Don't you dare blame this on me!!
(ZEL flails out at XELLOSS and sends the car the other way toward a building)
XELLOSS: Uh-oh...
(Suddenly there's a huge THUD! And ZEL and XEL feel the car being lifted into the air)
ZELGADIS: Now what?
CRIKEY!! <-- don't ask why that's there.
FILIA: Don't worry, Minna-san! I'm here to save the day!
REANNA: (waking up) Wha-what's happening? Are we flying? What's going on?
ZELGADIS: Filia, you can't use your dragon form here! What if people see you!
REANNA: That's right, dragons don't exist here!
(XELLOSS smirks)
ZELGADIS: And you don't care one bit, do you??!!!
(ZELGADIS looks out the window of the car and sees that they're at least a hundred feet in the air)
REANNA: (shouting) Filia, please be careful with my parents' car, okay?
(FILIA flies the car, and everyone in it, well off the road and sets it down rather hard... the car sputters and smokes)
FILIA: There! I've saved the day! Now for some tea!
(FILIA changes back into her human form)
REANNA: FILIA!! HOW COULD YOU!!
(Just then, a whole bunch of people run over to where FILIA stands and where REANNA, ZELGADIS and XELLOSS are crawling out of the wrecked car)
PERSON 1: We saw a dragon!
PERSON 2: We saw a huge gold dragon right around here? Where'd it go?
REANNA: (scratching the back of her head) A dragon? Don't be silly! There's no such thing as dragons!
(XELLOSS is holding up a huge blinking sign which reads "DRAGON" and has a bit neon arrow pointing to FILIA)
FILIA: NAMAGOMI!! (FILIA raches for mace-sama, but finds that it's not there) Oh yeah... I lost it. (starts crying)
XELLOSS: Did the shiny people take it?
FILIA AND ZELGADIS: SHUT UP!!!
PERSON 3: Listen, is there a dragon here or not?
XELLOSS: Sore wa himitsu desu!
PERSON 2: Huh?
PERSON 1: What's he saying?
XELLOSS: Okay, okay, the dragon went that way.
(XELLOSS points over yonder... wherever the hell that is.)
PERSON 5: Thanks! Come on, everyone! Grab your cameras! We're gonna be rich!
(PERSONS 1-5 run off in the direction XELLOSS pointed and smiles in satisfaction)
ZELGADIS: Reanna. Where's this library of yours?
REANNA: Right over there! (she points to the library, which is just across the street; everyone else facefaults)
FILIA: Zelgadis-san, why do you need to go to this library?
ZELGADIS: If you must know... I'm looking for the Eau Claire Bible.
(FILIA and XELLOSS begin snickering)
ZELGADIS: What? What's so funny? What?
REANNA: Come on, minna-san! Let's just go in!
(Everyone walks over to the library and walk in through the doors)
LIBRARIAN: I'm sorry, you'll have to leave your pet rock outside.
ZELGADIS: (agitated) What... was that?
XELLOSS: I believe she called you a "pet rock."
(ZELGADIS conjures up a Fireball and leans in close to the LIBRARIAN)
ZELGADIS: Listen you. I have gone through hell to get to this dimension to look for a way to turn this freakish body of mine back to normal. Now... you wanna say that again?
LIBRARIAN: (sweetly) Welcome to the Eau Claire Public Library! Just ask me if you're having trouble finding anything.
ZELGADIS: Do you have a copy of the Eau Claire Bible?
(Just then, a loud clanging fills the air)
LIBRARIAN: (to the clanging sound) SHHHHHH!!
(clang clang clang)
LIBRARIAN: NO LOUD NOISES IN THE LIBRARY!! EVERYBODY KNOWS THAT YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO MAKE LOUD NOISES IN THE LIBRARY!!
ZELGADIS: It couldn't be! That sound!!
(from out of nowhere, the BGM "I Want This World" begins playing. You know, the one with the pan flute and the creepy moaning in the background)
XELLOSS: Huh?
FILIA: What are you...
(REZO steps out from behind a bookshelf)
REZO: Why, hello, Zelgadis.
ZELGADIS: Rezo! What are you doing here?
REZO: Why, looking for the Eau Claire Bible, of course.
KOPII REZO: (from behind REZO) I'm gonna find it first!
ZELGADIS: I thought you two were... you know...
REZO: Oh... you wouldn't believe what I had to go through to get here.
XELLOSS: (opens one eye) Shiny people.
(REANNA takes out a pad of paper and a pen)
REANNA: (mumbling) Note to self: Fix dimensional doorways and kick butts of shiny people... (she puts away the pad and pen)
ZELGADIS: And what do you need the Eau Claire Bible for?
REZO: That's a secret.
XELLOSS: Oh I like him.
FILIA: Namagomi...
REANNA: (turns to KOPII REZO) And why do you want it?
KOPII REZO: (shrugs) So I can get it before the real Rezo and prove that I'm better!
ZELGADIS: Of course...
LIBRARIAN: If you're looking for the Eau Claire Bible, you'll have to visit our "Nonexistent Books" section on the fourth floor.
FILIA: Nonexistent books?
REANNA: Wait... this library doesn't have a fourth floor!
LIBRARIAN: Well it does... it just hasn't been built yet. The elevator should take you to it.
ZELGADIS: This is insane.
XELLOSS: Zelgadis-san, suspicious places are our best bet!
REANNA: Where have I heard that before? (grins and glomps XELLOSS) Xelloss-sama, give me a piggyback ride to the elevator! It's that way! (REANNA points over at the elevator)
REZO: A nonexistent book section on a nonexistent floor? Sounds promising...
KOPII REZO: I think it sounds more promising than you think it sounds promising!
REZO: (waving his hand) Okay, okay...
REANNA: (high as a kite) Piggyback, piggyback, piggyback on Xelloss, piggyback, piggyback, piggyback on Xelloss... ^_^ Heeheehee...
(everyone gets onto the elevator)
REANNA: (still riding on Xelloss) Well whaddaya know, it actually has a button for a fourth floor...
KOPII REZO: I get ta push it first!!
(REZO pushes the button)
KOPII REZO: Dammit!
(The elevator whizzes upwards and finally stops. Everyone gets out of the elevator and walks down a long hallway)
FILIA: Look, there it is!
(Yup, there's a door just up ahead with a sign on it reading "Nonexistent books." Everyone runs in)
VOICE: Oh, hello.
(everyone looks around and finally sees a girl with short blonde hair sitting on the floor reading a book called "The Book of the Universe of the Four Gods.")
REANNA: Oops... wrong anime.
YUI: Who are you?
REANNA: Uhh... never mind. Go back to your reading.
YUI: Uh... okay.
ZELGADIS: Everybody, let's split up and look for the book.
(everyone splits up and starts searching the bookshelves)
KOPII REZO: I'm gonna find it first! (runs off into the aisles, his staff clanging)
REZO: You think so, do you? (follows)
(REANNA, meanwhile, is wandering around in an aisle in the back, and finds a red book marked "The Clow")
REANNA: Wh-wait a minute... (she opens the book up and pulls out a card with a picture of Gourry on it) Gourry?
(The card begins glowing. There's a flash of light, and when it clears, GOURRY is standing in front of REANNA, holding Hikari no Ken at the read)
REANNA: G- Gourry?
GOURRY: (looks around) Huh? What happened? I thought I'd never get away from those shiny people!
REANNA: (facefaults) You too?
GOURRY: Aw, don't worry, I'm okay! (holds up Hikari no Ken) They were no match for this!
REANNA: (glomps GOURRY) You mean you beat 'em? HONTO ARIGATOU!!
(ZELGADIS, XELLOSS, FILIA, REZO and KOPII REZO run over)
ZELGADIS: Gourry!
GOURRY: Oh! Hey, guys! (puts away his sword)
FILIA: Gourry-san! How did you get here?
GOURRY: Uh... umm... er... well... ... ... ... (grins) I don't remember! I have no idea what's going on!
ZELGADIS: Listen, has anyone found anything yet?
(everybody shakes their head)
FILIA: Maybe it's not here.
GOURRY: Maybe what's not here?
ZELGADIS: Then we'll just have to look elsewhere...
REANNA: (sighs) All right. Let's go.
(everyone walks toward the exit. ZELGADIS tries to open the door, but can't)
ZELGADIS: I think it's locked.
REANNA: Well... why don't you use the unlock spell?
ZELGADIS: Good point. Unlock!
(ZEL tries to open the door again, but its still locked)
XELLOSS: Hmm... it didn't work.
ZELGADIS: I can see that!
FILIA: (horrified) Could it be that spells don't work in this world?
ZELGADIS: Hmmm... Ray Wing!
(nothing happens)
ZELGADIS: Damn. I guess we'll have to do without our spells while we're in this world...
REANNA: But how will we get out of this room? We're three stories up!
XELLOSS: Filia, you could transform...
FILIA: But I'd destroy the library! I can't do that!
GOURRY: Then what?

What, indeed?
Will we escape? How will we do it?
Who will meet yet?
And does the Eau Claire Bible really exist?
All these questions
and some questions you never wanted to know the answers to
Will be answered in:
The Eau Claire Bible, Episode 3:
"Street Singers and Coffee Shops!"