(Jiggly! Jigglypuff! Jigglypuff- PUFF-PUFF)
MIKI: Wha? What’s that noise? Where’s it coming from?
(The librarian gets up and looks around; confused.
Without warning, a giant bookcase falls to the floor with a crreeeek-BOOM.
Right on top of Miki. Hundreds
of books topple to the ground… behind
it…A MOB OF RABID JIGGLYPUFF!!)
MIKI: Hmmph- mmghh! Ah! (climbing out from under the book shelf) What happened? Oh, they’re so cute! W-Wait, hey! HEY! Heelp me!! AAAAAAAaaaaaahhhh!!!….
WAKABA: Oh! They’re so cute! Adorable! Oh no! Miki, are you OKAY?! I’ll get an ambulance or something I-I mean I’ll get help…Hang on Miki!
(The Jigglypuff lose intrest in Miki and turn to Mikage. After giving him a good beating, they run madly out of the library and spread throughout the campus)
WAKABA: I’m back! I brought the nurse! Oh, Miki, you don’t look well… (She turns to Mikage—His hair is standing on end)
MIKAGE: (Striking a match and lighting a cigarette) Ooooh… S’all better now.
**********
(Elevator and silouette hoo-ha yadda, yadda, yadda…. The
chick and the egg and cracking the world’s shell and stuff)
Student council meeting:
JURI: These…
Jigglypuff are terrorizing the school. Something must be done to dispose of
them. (In that overconfident and somewhat sick voice of hers)
TOUGA: I
agree completely. Any ideas Miki? (In that smug voice of his)
MIKI: Well, yes, I do. ( In that unbearably shy
voice of his)
JURI: …Then tell us, won’t you Miki?
MIKI: (clicks
his stopwatch) Well, I was watching TV last night, and I saw this man who
seemed to get great joy from relocating animals that are having a conflict with
people. He seemed quite good. (Clicks the stopwatch again and gets a little
too excited)
TOUGA: In times like this, desperate measures must be
taken. I was hoping to take care of the vermin ourselves, but I will call him
at once… (Takes out his little cell phone)
Voice with a
great Australian accent over the phone…
STEVE: “G’day, Steve here”
TOUGA: Yes, I’m calling to request your services. We
have some… pests running around and I was wondering if you would mind
exterminate them for us (smiles weirdly)
STEVE: “Well, I have a lot of work to do down here… Ah, exterminate did you say? I don’t really do killing, mate…”
TOUGA: Of course not. What I meant was; to deal with in your own way…
STEVE: “It’s hard to turn you down. Hey, why not? I’ll relocate the little guys for you. Where should I report to?”
TOUGA: Otori Acadamy.
STEVE: “Right-o! If I knew where that was… I’ll find it okay- see ‘ya, mate!”
*CLICK*
*********
Shadow-play girls:
A-ko: Have you heard? Have you heard who’s coming?
B-ko: A strange man from a far away land, no doubt…
A-ko: From the land downunder…
B-ko: The man of wonder…
A-ko: The man they call…
A-ko, B-ko: Do you know? Do you know who it is?
*********
School assembly:
TOUGA: I have called this assembly to try to figure out where we will put these…Jigglypuff after they are caught. Does anyone know where we could possibly place them?
(crickets chirp)
(Suddenly, the rabid Jigglypuff begin falling from the ceiling and crawl out of small cracks in the walls and begin to strangle the students)
NANAMI: Where is my ONII-SAMA???!!! (Her whining and crying makes the five Jigglypuff closest to her go into violent seizures)
(Breaking the screams and panic, the doors to the auditorium begin to creak softly, becoming louder… Everyone, including all the Jigglypuff freeze in their tracks)
BOOM! (The giant doors crash to the floor. When the dust clears, a happy khaki-wearing family stood in the doorway. A man, and a woman holding a 2-year-old girl)
STEVE: G’day!
TERRI: G’day!
BINDI: Giddaiii….
NANAMI: WHO is THAT?!
STEVE: I’m Steve, this is my wife Terri, and this is our
little girl, Bindi Sue.
TOUGA: I see our help has arrived.
WAKABA: Ooh! She’s soooo cute! Can I hold her?
TERRI: (smiles) Sure.
(Wakaba squeezes Bindi and squeals. Bindi gets an uneasy look on her face and sweatdrops. Steve and Terri look concerned)
STEVE & TERRI: What’s that?
WAKABA: Oh, that’s just a sweatdrop.
(Steve and Terri look at each other, still confused)
(Bindi reaches for the sweat drop next to her head, extremely interested- It pops and soaks her head. She rubs her eyes)
WAKABA: Oh, can I babysit her, PLEEEEEEEEAAAAAAASE?
(Steve and Terri look at each other)
TERRI: Well, we don’t know the area, or anyone here good enough, so no. Maybe later, okay? (She takes Bindi)
WAKABA Oh, okay…
STEVE: Well, I didn’t know what the problem animal was so
I brought all my equipment. I got Nets and ropes, traps, baits, and holding
crates. So what are they? Crocodiles, wild pig, snakes, rabbits?
(Touga whispers to Steve)
STEVE: Jiggly…Puff? Is that a native name?
(Saionji approaches)
SAIONJI: They’re Pokémon: Annoying little things really. They should all be
killed.
STEVE: That seems
a little extreme, don’t you- (Jigglypuff
latches itself onto Steve’s face) Crikey!
Mmmph!
TERRI: (looking for someone to hand Bindi to)
(looks at Touga) No…
(looks at Juri) No…
(looks at Saionji)
No…
(looks at Miki) Seems
okay. Can you hold her a second? Thanks.
(Miki looks uneasy as he holds Bindi. She reaches up and honks his nose)
(Pries the pink blob off her husband’s head as Akio sneaks into the room with a sick look on his face. When Terri gets the Jigglypuff off, Steve looks at him skeptically)
STEVE: (Shakes it off) Anyway… Ah, I suppose I’d better get started. (Grabs equipment from his truck)
TERRI: Thank you. What’s your name?
MIKI: Miki.
TERRI: Thanks, Miki. (Takes Bindi, who has been pulling on Miki’s hair and saying “Bluuuuueeeee…”)
STEVE: Gotcha! You’re alright, mate! You’re alright…
(High pitched scream is heard distantly)
TOUGA & SAIONJI: That sounded like Anthy! (push each other to try to get to her first)
(They find Anthy being strangled by a large snake)
ANTHY: MMM! MmMMM!
STEVE: Sorry, mate! I’ll get that right off for you. It’s
Bindi’s pet scrub python. Third largest snake in the world, you know! Can grow
to be over 20 ft. long! Hold on now… (Steve
and Terri pry it off) You okay mate?
ANTHY: (out of breath) I’ll be all right, thank you very much.
STEVE: No problem.
NANAMI: BIG BROTHER!!! WHAT is he DOING here? Can’t you just catch the Jigglypuff?
TOUGA: Oh, Nanami… (putting his arm around her
shoulder) I don’t know if I could. Besides, why
when we have someone to do it for us?
NANAMI: But I don’t LIKE him onii-sama!
(Touga chuckles and walks away)
TOUGA: (sighs) Oh,
Nanami…
(Steve pounces on another Jigglypuff in the background)
SAIONJI: Hello, Mr. President… things seem to be going… well.
I’m
going to be happy when those ugly and pathetic vermin are gone.
(They Jigglypuff become furious and attack Saionji. They are all armed with scissors and begin whacking at his hair)
SAIONJI: NNOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! My long beautiful hair! (He
begins slapping at them frantically, but there are too many of them. He soon
has a buzz-cut with a couple bald patches) AAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!
STEVE: (Trying not to laugh) Sorry, mate. It’ll grow back….
(Saionji continues to scream and pout. He can be seen stomping around and grumbling in the background for the rest of the story)
TERRI: Now what are they doing, Steve?
STEVE: I…don’t know…
*****Ji----ggily---puff….Jigily------puff…*****
TOUGA: They’re….singing…
TERRI: (yawn)
Steve, I think I’m going to go take a nap…
STEVE: I might…(yawn) join
you…
TOUGA & SAIONJI (together): You can’t! You have a JOB to do! (look at each other, then collapse and begin snoring)
UTENA: (enters curiously) What is all that noise? Why wasn’t I invited to this assembly? Hey, who’s he? Touga, Saionji, what are you doing? What’s happening to everyone? Helloooo? Whoa, I’m getting…tired…(collapses next to Touga and Saionji)
(Everyone has fallen asleep and are scattered over the gym floor)
“JIGGLY!” (Annoyed, the leader of the Jigglypuff begins to draw faces on everyone with a chunky black marker)
(***Two hours later***)
MIKI: (Wiping the drool from his mouth) Did I…fall asleep?
UTENA: We ALL did…Those Jigglypuff can put people to sleep
with their singing. I saw it when I watched Pokémon once…
STEVE: Crikey, did I sleep! Well, back to work I guess. I want to wrap this up pretty quick, so I
better go find those Jigglypuff…
UTENA: Hey! I know who you are, you’re the Crocodile
Hunter! I’ve seen your show!
STEVE: Thanks, mate! Well, I have work to do…
TOUGA: (With a major bed-head) Yes, work to do; and how many do you have so far?
STEVE: Almost all of ‘em. Cute little things… GORGIOUS!
Give me an hour or two and I’ll have them all.
TOUGA: They’ll be more cute outside the school.
Jiggly! Jiggly- puff puff puff!!!
STEVE: Jigglypuff! You naughty boy! No bitting!
AKIO: Did someone say naughty?
STEVE: Gah!…Crikey! G’day, um… There are such things as
personal boundaries, mate… HEY! CRIKEY!
(Steve edges away quickly) That’s
it… I’ve had it… AGRO! LUNCHTIME!
(*low growling*)
(Saionji shrieks and prances quickly away)
STEVE: Heh, heh… Well, that’s all the Jigglypuff.
TOUGA: Splendid. Well, I guess I better pay you then…
STEVE: Naw, s’alright mate. But ah, could you tell me
where Terri and Bindi went?
TOUGA: I’m not sure but I’ll have someone search the
campus for you. I’m sure they just went somewhere more quiet…
STEVE: Um… I’ll go- -
AAAaaaahhh!!!! Get away you- -*CHOMP!*
(Terri runs in, holding Bindi tightly, Agro is walking slowly behind her, with a content look on his face)
(Wakaba runs in afterward)
WAKABA: That thing swallowed Akio!!!
UTENA: Wow, what a tragedy…
STEVE: Come on Agro, spit him out now….AGRO…
(Steve reaches down his throat and pulls out Akio)
You’re lucky a crocodile’s
digestive system is relatively slow, or you’d be soup, mate.
AKIO: That turned me on…
STEVE: Ah Terri, Bindi, lets go…
UTENA: I don’t understand it. Why would that crocodile attack
Akio?
STEVE: Agro is trained to protect Terri (turns to
Terri) You alright, sweetheart?
(Terri nods, nervously) Maybe
I should have let him eat ‘em….(Shakes it off) Nope, can’t do that I guess…
TOUGA: We’d like to thank you for your services- -
STEVE: No problem- Lets go Terri… (They quickly run for the door)
(Outside running to the truck)
TERRI: That’s a school?
STEVE: Our youth certainly has gone downhill…
(The Irwins screech out of the campus)
Note from the Author:
Well, I hope
the story was somewhat entertaining. It wasn’t meant to offend anyone, but it
was simply a way for me to vent the things that bug me about Revolutionary
Girl: Utena. I guess I have nothing against it,
but I really don’t like the incest and the way people often “swing both ways”
in the show. I am, on the other hand, a big fan of The Crocodile Hunter,
and I DON’T CARE if you don’t like it!!!!
I get a lot of crap from
people who like to rip on it. Well, this was my chance to pick on what I don’t
care for, and glorify what I do. Plus my sister, who was kind enough to post
this story, encouraged me to do it. If you have any comments on the story,
please e-mail me at: zoo_walabee02@yahoo.com. But please
be gentle, This is my first Fan-ficJ
-Jenna J. King