"A SELF-INSERTION IS NOT A TOY"

by Reanna King

a song parody based on "A Secretary is Not a Toy" from the musical "How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying"

This is from “The Ecchi Adventures of Reanna and Akio,” a series of stories I’m doing which has its own page on the stories page. Please check it out! Most of you won't know this song, but I think you'll find it amusing just the same. I’m including the original lyrics first. Okay, here we go.

ORIGINAL LYRICS:

Gentlemen.  Gentlemen.
A secretary is not a toy,
No, my boy, not a toy
To fondle and dandle and playfully handle
In search of some puerile joy.
No, a secretary is not,
Definitely not, a toy.

You're absolutely right, Mr. Bratt.
We wouldn't have it any other way, Mr. Bratt.
It's a company rule, Mr. Bratt.

A secretary is not a toy,
No, my boy, not a toy.
So do not go jumping for joy, boy.
A secretary is not . . .
A secretary is not . . .
A secretary is not a toy.

A secretary is not to be
Used for play therapy.
Be good to the girl you employ, boy.
Remember no matter what
Neurotic trouble you've got
A secretary is not a toy.

She's a highly specialized key component
Of operational unity,
A fine and sensitive mechanism
To serve the office community.
With a mother at home she supports;
And you'll find nothing like her at FAO Schwarz.

A secretary is not a pet
Nor an e-rector set.
It happened to Charlie McCoy, boy:
They fired him like a shot
The day the fellow forgot
A secretary is not a toy.

A secretary is not a toy.
And when you put her to use . . .
Observe when you put her to use . . .
That you don't find the name "Lionel"
On her caboose.

A secretary is not a thing
Wound by key, pulled by string.
Her pad is to write in
And not spend the night in.
If that's what you plan to enjoy.
No!!

The secretary ya got,
Is definitely not
Employed to do a gavotte,
Or you know what.

Before you jump for joy,
Remember this, my boy,
A secretary is not
A tinkertoy!

AND HERE’S MY VERSION:

(We see AKIO obviously preparing something ecchi-- he's gathered CHI-CHI and CHA-CHA, two hundred feet of rope, a webcam, a tray of ice cubes, two rolls of duct tape, a beach ball, a set of golf clubs, a German flag, three dozen eggs and a small dog)

(UTENA, ANTHY, TOUGA, SAIONJI, JURI and MIKI approach him)

UTENA: Akio-san! We find your treatment of Reanna-sempai unacceptable!

AKIO: Sou ka?

JURI: Yes. We think that if you can't treat her like a gentleman should, you should leave her alone.

AKIO: Really. (smiles) Do go on.

MIKI: Minna-san! (he once again commands everyone's attention) Minna-san!

(singing) A self-insertion is not a toy

No, my boy

Not a toy

To grope and to grapple

And casually sample

To peruse, abuse and annoy,

No, a self-insertion is not

Definitely not

A toy!

(REANNA wanders in and pokes AKIO in the chest)

REANNA: That's right! From now on, treat me respectfully!

AKIO: (running a hand through her hair) Oh... of course...

REANNA: I mean it, Akio! You better treat me like a person!

(TOUGA and SAIONJI nod in agreement)

TOUGA and SAIONJI: A self-insertion is not a toy

No, my boy

Not a toy

She's not there for you to enjoy

Boy, you absolutely must not

Go touching her on her twat (REANNA looks down and blushes)

A self-insertion is not

A toy!

(AKIO seems not to be listening. He's putting batteries into an unidentifiable sex toy. REANNA grabs it away and bashes it over his head)

REANNA: My undergarments should be completely

Ohtori Akio-free!

(AKIO has taken a length of rope out and is rolling it into a neat loop, but JURI swipes it)

ALL: Don't snare her with some evil ploy

Boy, remember, don't be a snot

Don't try to get her all hot

A self-insertion is not

A toy!

ALL: She's a highly talented key

Creator of humorous continuity

A highly sensitive self-insertion

Not blessed with sexual immunity

MEN: (ex. AKIO) Coming on to her is not a sport!

AKIO: You'll find lots of enjoyment inside of her shorts!

(AKIO endeavors to prove this but is slapped by REANNA)

REANNA: A self-insertion is not a pet

Nor an erector set (she takes his copy of the Kama Sutra)

ALL: Her pride's not for you to destroy

Boy, remember, no matter what

Just stay away from her slot

A self-insertion is not

A toy!

MEN: (ex. AKIO) (in a barbershop style of singing)

Remember, there's no excuse

For self-insertion abuse!

AKIO: You'll be damned if anyone catches you

Drinking her juice!

(REANNA gasps and kicks AKIO in the area, then slaps him again)

REANNA: A self-insertion is not a thing

To serve your ding-a-ling

(AKIO tosses CHI-CHI and CHA-CHA her way, but she sends them into orbit with a baseball bat)

My bra and my undies

Are not homes for monkeys

If that's who you plan to employ

NO!

ALL: A self-insertion is not

Is definitely not

Is not your slave and whatnot

Like it or not!

Although the girl seems coy

Remember this, my boy

A self-insertion is not

A tinker toy!

(AKIO ponders this)

AKIO: Okay, okay. From now on, I'll treat Reanna in a completely chaste manner.

REANNA: (relieved) Thank you.

(Suddenly, her eyes go wide and she starts screaming and jerking and writhing around, etc.)

AKIO: (smirks) I just wish I could speak for my pets.

REANNA: (moaning) Kami help me...