The
Problem with Tetsuo
Reanna
King’s first (and only!) Akira fic
An: I’m beginning this fic the day after I saw Akira for the first time. It totally blew me away, so I decided to cope in a typically Reanna-ish fashion: write a humorous fic about it. Okay. This is an Alternate Ending fic in which Tetsuo was able to get control of his power at the last minute, was treated and allowed to return to society. Flame me if you like. Call this fic an insult to everything that is Akira if you like. I don’t care about continuity. I don’t care about inconsistencies. This is just an experiment, really. Send comments to: kingrr@uwec.edu
It’s on fanfiction.net at http://www.fanfiction.net/read.php?storyid=433623. If you liked it, please go there and write a review! It will only take a few seconds!
(KANEDA, KEI, TETSUO,
KAORI AND KAI are hanging out on a random street corner)
KANEDA: Uhh… Tetsuo,
don’t you think you should put that thing away now?
(We now see TETSUO with
one of those plastic toy robot arms)
TETSUO: (pouts) But I
miss my robot arm…
KAORI: It’s all right,
Tetsuo. I liked your robot arm.
TETSUO: (grumpy now)
Don’t patronize me.
KAI: Yeah, man, that was
close. I thought you were gonna go insane.
(Everyone gives KAI a
look)
EVERYONE: Where WERE you
all that time, anyway?!
KAORI: Hey, do you guys
hear something?
(everybody strains to
listen)
SOFT VOICES: Badum badum
badum badum, badum badum badum badum, badum badum badum badum…
KANEDA: The hell?…
(everyone sees tiny TEDDY
BEAR, STUFFED RABBIT and TOY CAR marching down the street)
BEAR, RABBIT AND CAR:
Badum badum badum badum, badum badum badum badum, badum badum badum badum…
TETSUO: YAAAAAAHHH!! GET
AWAY FROM MEEEE!!!!
(TETSUO looks like he’s
about to use his powers. A nearby window shudders. Instead the lid flies off a
trash can and hits him over the head, bringing him back to reality)
KEI: (wryly) There’s
something you don’t see every day…
BEAR, RABBIT AND CAR:
Badum badum badum badum, badum badum badum badum, badum badum badum badum…
TETSUO: You mean you see
it too?!
ALL: Yeah.
TETSUO: (pissed) DAMN YOU
LITTLE DEMONS!!
(TETSUO boots BEAR,
RABBIT and CAR into oncoming traffic)
BEAR, RABBIT AND CAR:
Badum badum badum badum, badum badum badum
badAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!
TETSUO: (laughs
maniacally) DIEEEE!! MWAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!!
PERSON: What the hell
have you done?!
TETSUO: Eh?
(a random lady walks up)
LADY: You’ve killed them!
And in the prime of their career!
TETSUO: What the f*** are
you talking about?
LADY: You’ve never heard
of the Bear, Rabbit and Car show? It’s the most popular show for kids nowadays!
KANEDA: Oops…
(meanwhile, a tiny
ambulance with a smiling face on the front drives up to where the little demons
have been run over)
AMBULANCE: Varroom
varroom varroom varroom, Varroom varroom varroom varroom, Varroom varroom
varroom varroom, Varroom varroom varroom varroom…
(a bunch of tiny penguins
hop out of the ambulance and put BEAR, RABBIT and CAR into the ambulance)
LADY: (staring at TETSUO)
Wait… you’re the blob guy, aren’t you.
TETSUO: (turns bright
red) DON’T MENTION THAT!!!
KAI: Ya gotta admit, you
did look pretty funny.
TETSUO: DAMMIT! DON’T
MAKE FUN OF ME!
(a flower pot shoots off
a windowsill and bashes TETSUO over the head)
TETSUO: (gravely) What
the hell’s going on here?
CHOIR: DAAAAA…….
DAAAAAA….. DAAAAA….. DAAAAA….
(everyone looks around)
KEI: Where’s that singing
coming from?
KANEDA: Dunno.
TETSUO: Just ignore it…
it’ll go away…
(KANEDA raises an
eyebrow)
KANEDA: Uh… I’ll see you
guys later… (KANEDA and KEI walk off)
(The newly rebuilt baby
room. KYOKO, TAKASHI and MASARU are having an educated discussion)
MASARU: I want my Cheesy
Poofs!
TAKASHI: Masaru’s mom is a bitch!
(COLONEL WALKS IN)
COLONEL: What’s going on
in here?
KYOKO: Nuthin’ right
Takashi?
TAKASHI: TAKASHI!
TAKA-TAKA-TAKASHIIII!!
COLONEL: Now settle down!
KYOKO: Masaru, why are
you so FAT?!
MASARU: I’m not fat, I’m
big boned!
KYOKO: Then you must have
a—
COLONEL: Enough! R’spect
maa ‘thoritay!! Err…. umm…
MASARU: OH MY GOD! They
killed Kyoko!
TAKASHI: Screw you guys,
I’m going home! Me “NAH” you “NAH!”
COLONEL: Hey! SHUT UP!
(AKIRA sits in whatever
little dimensional pocket he exists in, with his chin resting in his hands)
AKIRA: I’m bored.
CHOIR: DAAAA….. DAAAAA….
DAAAA…. DAAAAAA….
AKIRA: Cut it out.
CHOIR: DA--- (cuts off)
KYOKO, TAKASHI and MASARU
are all playing on Game Boys)
TAKASHI: Pikachu, I
choose you! (pushes buttons)
KYOKO: Oh, yeah? I’m
using Jigglypuff! (pushes buttons)
MASARU: An unwise
decision…
KYOKO: What are you
talking about? Jigglypuff rocks!
TAKASHI: Jigglypuff
sucks! Pikachu rocks!
(COLONEL walks in)
COLONEL: Kids! How many
times have I told you never to play that awful game! You know what it does to
your powers!
TAKASHI: Aww, but it’s
fun…
KYOKO: Tormenting Tetsuo
is boring…
MASARU: There’s nothing
to do…
COLONEL: Put those things
away and… read a book or something.
ESPERS: We don’t have any
books!
COLONEL: (thinks a moment)
Then I’ll go out and get you some. Stay put and don’t play on those things any
more!
ESPERS: We promise!
COLONEL: (smiles) I knew
you’d see it the right way.
(COLONEL leaves)
ESPERS: Yeah, he’s gone!
(they pick up their Game Boys again and resume playing)
KAI: Whaddaya guys wanna
do tonight?
TETSUO: I dunno.
KAORI: We could go rent
some movies to watch.
TETSUO: (likes the idea)
Hey, there’s an idea.
KAI: Where?
TETSUO: Right there.
Look.
(TETSUO points to the
sidewalk on the opposite side of the street, where the word “IDEA” is strolling
down the sidewalk)
KAORI: So it is.
KAI: Well. Let’s get to
the video store!
(everybody looks behind
them)
TETSUO: Say… where did
our bikes go?
KAI: (scratches his head)
They were here a second ago…
(KANEDA and KEI come
running up)
KANEDA: Guys! My bike is
missing!
TETSUO: Yeah, so are
ours! What kinda thief steals bikes right out from under people’s noses?
KANEDA: I only left it
alone for a few minutes… MY BIKE! I WANT MY BIKE!!
(KANEDA runs all over the
immediate area, tacking up MISSING posters that he apparently pulled out of
hammerspace)
KANEDA: Anybody seen a
bike? You seen a bike? I can’t find my bike! Hello? You, have you seen it?
(etc….)
KEI: Hey, I hear the
sound of bikes revving…
(everybody looks down the
street to see hundreds of bikes rolling slowly down the street, holding signs
between their handlebars, which are being used like hands. Among these bikes
are the bikes that belong to KANEDA, TETSUO, KAI, etc.)
SIGN 1: HELL NO WE WON’T
GO
SIGN 2: BETTER TREATMENT
FOR BIKES
SIGN 3: I LIKE BIKES
SIGN 4: EQUAL RIGHTS FOR
BIKES
SIGN 5: LET’S SEE WHO
RIDES WHO
SIGN 6: BIKES ON STRIKE
KANEDA: The HELL?! That’s
my bike!
TETSUO: What the f***’s
going on?
BIKE 1: VRROOOOM
VRROOMVVRRRRRRMMMMMVROOOMMM (SUBTITLE: We’re not taking abuse from you biker
gangs anymore!)
BIKE 2:
VRRRMMVRROOOMMMBRRBRRBRRBRRVVVRROOOMM (SUBTITLE: You wouldn’t be a biker gang
without us!)
BIKE 3:
VRROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM (SUBTITLE: And yet you crash us and smash
us and let us get covered in scratches and nicks!)
KANEDA: Uh, listen, we
didn’t know you felt that way…
KAI: Really, if we knew
you were sentient beings we never would have—
TETSUO: This is f***in’
ridiculous!
BIKE 4: VROOM! (SUBTITLE:
We wish to meet with each of our humans and tell them our individual demands!)
KANEDA: (goes up to his
bike) Okay. What is it that you want?
KANEDA’S BIKE:
Vroooooommmmm… (SUBTITLE: I want you to paint me pink.)
KANEDA: ??!! Why pink?
KANEDA’S BIKE: (blushes)
Vroooom. (SUBTITLE: Because I’m female.)
([THE TETSUO BLOB DEVOURS REANNA FOR THAT SEXIST GENDER SLUR] REANNA: BUT I’M A GIRL! IT’S OKAY IF I MAKE JOKES LIKE THAT, RIGHT??!!!!)
KANEDA: I can’t do that!
I’ll look like a sissy!
KANEDA’S BIKE: Vroom.
(SUBTITLE: Well, no wheels for you!)
KANEDA: Awwww, okay, I’ll
paint ya pink…
(Everyone looks out over
the massive crowd of protesting bikes who are “shouting out” their demands)
KEI: This is going to
take quite some time to sort out…
(AKIRA stands in whatever
little dimensional pocket he exists in, rooting through a 4-Dimensional
refrigerator. He takes out a beer)
AKIRA: Almost time for
the big game…
(AKIRA opens the beer
telekinetically and proceeds to vegetate on a dilapidated leather armchair in
front of a TV set)
AKIRA: Good season this
year… **BURP**
(AKIRA turns to look at
us, the audience)
AKIRA: What?!! I only
LOOK like I’m a little kid, okay??!! Yeesh! (takes another swig of beer)
(THE ESPERS are still
playing Pokemon.)
KYOKO: He’ll be back in
two minutes.
MASARU: Everybody put
your Game Boys away!
(Everybody hides their
games)
TAKASHI: Good, he’ll
never know we kept playing!
MASARU: What was the side
effect that playing Pokemon was supposed to have on us again?
KYOKO: (shrugs) I don’t
remember.
TAKASHI: Doesn’t matter.
(COLONEL enters, carrying
a stack of books)
COLONEL: I’m back,
children! And I brought you enough books to keep you busy for a long time!
(COLONEL hands out the
books to the kids)
KYOKO: (looks at a book)
“Overcoming Hemophobia”?
MASARU: “Making Your
Psychic Powers Work For You”…?
TAKASHI: “Three Months to
Better Skin”?
KYOKO: Uhh… these are
really great books! I’ll probably read mine a hundred times!
MASARU AND TAKASHI: Yeah,
thanks!
COLONEL: I’m glad.
(COLONEL leaves the room,
and the ESPERS once again pick up their Game Boys)
(MEANWHILE! In his
laboratory, the scientist guy is studying the aura of the ESPERS)
SCIENTIST: Now, this is
most irregular!
(A printer begins spewing
graphs and statistics)
SCIENTIST: Marvelous,
absolutely marvelous! This is most unexpected!
(He looks at the displays
shown on monitors mounted on all the walls)
SCIENTIST: Yes, this is
an entirely new discovery! Just incredible!
(He turns to look at the
display which shows the appearance of the ESPERS’ auras)
SCIENTIST: WHAT THE
F***??!!!!
(All three auras are
shiny, wavering pictures of Pikachu, Jigglypuff and Bulbasaur)
SCIENTIST: HOLY FREAKIN’
SHIT! THIS IS A F***IN’ DISASTER!
TO BE CONTINUED!
(Don’t worry, Furio, the length of this story has
not changed—I’m just splitting it into chapters)
Now that you’ve read,
please review and tell me what you think!