| Decision
by Draconi Heartfire leaned against the pillar while sitting on the banister of the balcony. Outside, I could see the ocean and the sun beginning to cast its golden glow across the water. The waves were quick and smooth, and reminded her just how windy it was at this height. Of course, sitting on the balcony so close to the edge was foolish enough, but I hardly cared as I allowed myself to be lost in the sight of a glittering ocean, the rising sun and the free wind caressing my skin and hair. I closed my eyes and, even then, I could imagine the sight burned into my mind. Even still, the horizon did little to calm my fears nor to make me forget. I couldn’t imagine what was to happen to me now; it was too horrifying. I always found it so easy to allow my feelings to be washed away and soothed staring at the ocean and the sun, whether setting or rising. I couldn’t understand why it didn’t heal me then. It gave me so little hope to think that little could heal me and that I may have lost one from my list. <Abandon,> I thought hopelessly, the word ringing through my mind. “Why? How could you do this to me?” I sobbed quietly to herself, beginning to rock myself gently. My long, blonde hair streamed in all directions around me. The silky strands gently caressed my face and still, it did nothing to soothe my pains. It seemed that, no matter how hard I tried, nor how desperately I prayed, I was always hurt internally from my own actions. It was like a double edged sword, possibly my own, that cut through my own body as I fought with it. I should have guessed why I was truly there; not to be Leader of the Sailor Senshi, but to be a diversion. I should have become suspicious when I had first spied they way the Senshi didn’t need my watch or training. More often than not, they trained me. The way Mars seemed to insist that she could lead, the way Mercury would offer her help to Mars more often than me and seem to hold off comment on the paths I chose to lead them in, or the way Pluto stared at me with surprised eyes when I did help others, had all been ignored, but not forgotten. I had brushed off all of the incidences as mere coincidences, or odd expressions for the situation. I knew that I had made many mistakes in my reign as Leader, but I didn’t deserve this now. I wanted to hate them; hate every last one of the Senshi. It cut me like a knife that I couldn’t do so, no matter how hard I attempted to do so. It wasn’t my way to hate others simply because they were admitting their true feelings for what they thought of me. It wasn’t right. <Alone,> I thought to myself, placing the feeling with a deep, shaking sigh. I couldn’t understand why I had been chosen to be the target of all tensions, or why, at the moment when I crossed a thread over a chasm, I would be left alone. It was like some sort of maniacal game everyone mutually agreed to play on me; perhaps Fate was the instigator. I was alone again, and this time, not even Artemis would speak to me or offer me comfort. He was allowing me to face my own faults and my Destiny alone. For that I loved him. While others would have sheltered me like some priceless object, treating me as a jewel and not a soul, he allowed me to become the woman I was when decisions I had made back fired against me. I understood that Artemis would always be there, in my mind, knowing that he cared for me enough to do this. Perhaps I had been the only one to see the pain that flashed through his eyes as he remained silent when Luna, Pluto and Uranus began throwing all these questions needed to be answered before I would be set free. I had seen it and it made me realize just how much he loved me to do this for me, and how much it meant that I had seen it. I understood it, but it made me despair. I was alone as I was before the Senshi were my life. I was no longer Minako Aino, Mina-chan, nor anyone else. I was a Senshi, and a Senshi was all I was. I couldn’t even retain my designation and title as Venus in this situation; I had been stripped entirely of my identity. I glanced down at the glistening city below, the sun still over the ocean, its half circle still seen above the line of the ocean. I couldn’t imagine anything more beautiful than this sight. We were finally at Peace with the world, and Crystal Tokyo was safe from harm. Not all harm, for Pluto had misgivings about the powers rising on the other galaxies, mentioning and hinting that we would all be needed to defeat it. It seemed that others envied the peace we had fought for all our lives. The battles we fought, the lives we lost, the losses we suffered, and the deaths of our friends seen were envied because we could live through them and continue with some happiness. I had Usagi to thank for that, for she gave me some of the soul I forfeited in being a Senshi so long ago. No, that was wrong. She healed me, in truth, though I assumed that no others knew, other than Pluto. With her smiles, her laughter, her sighs of contentment and her eyes, she healed my soul. The way, no matter the situation, she could make me smile and laugh during battle with her infectious giggles, her comments and just being the Usagi we knew and loved. I could think of nothing greater Fate could give me than just allowing me to meet her and have her tell me that I was her friend. I should have known that Fate had a low, burning rage for me and would take away everything I had in a moment when I realized just how special my life was. It wasn’t fair! It wasn’t fair that others had to suffer because I was cursed by Fate and had unknowingly cursed Usagi as well. In that one moment of indecision, that one second of hesitancy, I had brought such horror and despair into Crystal Tokyo. I had killed Usagi just as plainly with my lack in trust of myself as if I had killed her with my own hands. Killed? No, she wasn’t really. Usagi could never die, and never will die before us. Truthfully, or so Mercury told me, she was simply unconscious. The energy had drained her of far too much power than was humanly possible, and only the Silver Crystal had saved her by lending its power. In doing that, saving her, it rendered itself too weak to heal her as well. Now, she lay in a crystal coffin, to me. It was amazing; she looked so beautiful in that state that I could never stand watching as harshly as the others did when we crossed paths, praying that the gods would have mercy and let her awaken. I didn’t want any of them to see my tears or the pain I felt. The agony that seared my heart that was so painful that I could hardly stay within the range of feeling the power that still radiated from Usagi. She deserved to be the Eternal Angel, and deserved to be the immortal we all knew. Everyone deserved to feel the blessing of her love; the magic her words and laugh could bring to your life. I should have known why I alone had been chosen to be Sailor V, why I looked to be Usagi’s twin, or why I was to know Usagi so well that I could know her words to every question. It was all the basis of my curse, you see. For now, until Usagi awakened, I was the Queen of Crystal Tokyo. I burst into tears, unable to bear thinking such awful and soul tearing thoughts. I could hardly stand being Princess of Venus during the Silver Millennium, now only awkward when I was referred to as Lady Venus. My planet was gone, its people dead or the very few who were important enough to be reborn here on Earth. I couldn’t take away their happiness in having a normal life, not having to give your life at a moment’s notice to a woman you didn’t know and leave your family far behind for a past that was thrust against our will. It would be better they live on without knowing what they once were or ever will be. It was the only thing I could give them to thank them for them for their service. “I suppose you are going to sit there, feeling sorry for yourself?” I didn’t turn around; I knew who it was. “Minako, are you alright?” I didn’t answer, staring at the horizon blankly, my tears stopped now. I would have thought that it was obvious that I wasn’t alright; I knew I would have broken again if I admitted it. “Mina?” “Go away,” I murmured instead. I sighed softly and closed my eyes, allowing an impassivity to cross over me. “I want to be alone; to think, I guess.” I felt his presence leave, pausing a moment as if undecided. After I was sure he was gone, I leaned slowly over the edge. From here, I could locate the houses where Alan and Katrina lived, and even my Mother. Not that it helped to soothe my confused tangle of emotions, but it did allow my mind to wander from the Senshi to my life. Minako’s life, instead of Venus’. My Mother had officially disowned me; I was no longer her daughter to her, but a Lady of the Royal Court. The others had thought that our conversation had ended that perhaps we shouldn’t see each other in fear of the enemy using her against me, and I sometimes wished it were true. Deep in her heart, I knew she loved me like a daughter and was proud, but I don’t think she accepted that she had given to rebirth of a Princess from the past, who had a destiny for her. Beyond that, I hadn’t told her when I knew of it as a child, and that cut her like a dagger. I loved her as a daughter could, more because she couldn’t hate me for all the wrong I had done, nor the violence I had committed. She had such high hopes for me as a little girl, which never coincided with my own dreams of becoming a star. I never appreciated her concern before; now, I wished I had paid attention to the little details that she had for me. Alan didn’t seem to accept who I was either. I remained dead in his mind, perhaps, that Minako had somehow died, replaced by a woman who was part of a past that tied in the galaxy. When I saw his eyes, I couldn’t see his care for Minako anymore, only respect for the warrior I was. I spoke to him even less than I did with my Mother, and they always ended bitter with hurt feelings. I couldn’t stand just waiting for him to speak so angrily towards me, with the patience that was already stretched thin, and not say a word; I wanted to return all the pain he gave me. Alan would never know what I had been through because of him, nor that my supposed death was because I wanted him to be happy with Katrina. Katrina had been more forgiving, since she knew me as Sailor V, Sailor Venus and now, when I was Princess and a Lady of the Royal Court, she still remembers me as Minako, the sweet girl she cherished like a daughter or sister in spirit. I spoke with her annually, and she informed me about both Alan and Mother often. She was positive that Alan still cared for me, just more hurt that I hadn’t told him who I really was and angry that I had just allowed Fate to sweep me away without a fight. I had asked her not to tell him, ever, about what happened with her during her stay in Tokyo when Beryl and Metallia were both tormenting us all. She had been reluctant, but agreed. More because I had asked, than because she knew and understood my reasons. For that, I owed her than she would ever know. I had lost everyone I ever cared for because I was a Senshi. I rocked gently once more, feeling like a child. It wasn’t fair. It wasn’t fait that Destiny taunted us with the death of Usagi so often we would go insane if she did. Destiny made us love her, to want to hear her laugh every moment, then, it would take her away and instill in us a fear so great protecting Usagi was the only thing we could think of. Was it cruel doing that? Or did it make us realize how truly special we were in protecting the Lunar Princess? I swallowed gently. I knew deep in my heart that, to suicide, would tear me away from Usagi. To die in battle was to be given a second chance, as a gift. Since we would always protect her, we would always be reborn. In that, we would be always living and always fighting. But we would always know Usagi. I slipped off the balcony and towards the crystalline room, desperately hoping not to meet anyone along the way. I didn’t, and I was grateful for that. I presumed everyone was mourning either together or alone. I was alone in mourning, but it was because I had been forced away from my friends. I didn’t understand what it was I expected to find to see Serenity’s body other than more pain and regret. Yet I could only feel a burning need to see her and know she was alright. I walked in silently, though I hadn’t intended to. I had felt a need to be silent, to not disturb the Queen in her *rest*. In the center of the room, was a giant bed with silken sheets across it. On top of that, lay a pale, but elegant form. She was so beautiful, perhaps more than I and more than the rest of us. I was the goddess of Love, but I didn’t deserve the title of Beauty. She did; as always, she was the beautiful one. Her skin was pale, but not pallid, more like an ivory. Her long silver hair covered the sheet, still so long and beautiful as I remembered and done in her royal style. Perhaps she wore it to honor her mother, both of them, but I had to admit that the hair style did fit her. Like everything else. I felt blank as I reached out to caress Usagi’s cheek, a tear trailing down my face. My star seed sang quietly as it reached out to feel the purity in her. I let out a choking sob. My aura flared and I watched as orange and gold glitters fell upon the silver of Serenity, placing a faint glow on her as well. I felt my energy drain drastically. <….too dangerous…> my crystal protested. <…not enough power left…> <No, go on. This is Serenity, not for some useless cause. She is everything.> Nothing answered to protest and I felt it strengthen its resolve. I pulled away when I felt it stop suddenly. My head spun and I felt weak. I managed to, somehow, find my way to my chambers, casting one last look at Serenity. I laid down onto my bed, sighing as my hair threw itself before me and across my vision. I closed my eyes and felt my fuku disappear to reveal my gown. Even still, I could feel happy. I heard a soft tingle deep inside my heart as I felt the crystal begin to slow from the amount of energy it used. Perhaps I would awaken and revel in the Duties I possessed, but not today. Not while I felt like a child at heart. “Serenity,” I whispered and felt no more. In the
room I had left, I somehow watched as the others came in, even
Serenity
entered the same balcony I had left, which I now stood upon,
|