Koji: Welcome to the Mt. Leikaku bandit's hideout, come on in.

Koji: Don't mind if I do.

Koji: Watch the step in front, it's a doozy.

Koji: Thank you. I must say, this is a nice place you've got here.

Koji: Thank *you*. Now...

(Koji looks off to the side, startled. A person in a full suit of plate armour is walking towards him. The person in armour stops about two feet away from him, and whacks him on the head with a rubber Suzaku. Koji manages to say one word before falling to the ground, unconscious.)

Koji: It's...

(We see a very unimpressed looking Taiitsu-kun, surrounded by Nyan-Nyan.)

Nyan-Nyan: Fushigi Yuugi's Flying Circus!

(Strange animation, using many SD characters, ensues.)

(Cut to Konan's throne room. Hotohori, complete with bucket hat, is sitting on the throne looking unhappy. All the other seishi and Miaka are there.)

Advisor: Emperor, you *must* make a decision on the Kutou problem. The country is depending on you.

Hotohori: (sighs) But I don't want to. I hate making decisions.

Advisor: You must! The fate of the country is in your hands.

Hotohori: I confess, I hate being the Emperor. My mother said I was a fool. She said the only cure for it was to become the Emperor myself. So I've spent four ghastly years making all kinds of important decisions and ruling Konan Country. Can you imagine what that's like? Can you imagine the horror? I never wanted to be the Emperor anyway. I wanted to be a lumberjack! Leaping from tree to tree as they float down the mighty rivers of British Columbia... The giant redwood, the larch, the fir, the mighty Scots pine. (He tears off his robes, revealing a plaid shirt and lumberjack trousers underneath. He rips off the bucket hat, too.) The smell of fresh-cut timber! The crash of mighty trees! (He puts his arm around a smiling Nuriko, who gazes adoringly into his eyes) With my best girlie by my side, we'd sing... sing... sing.

Hotohori: (singing) I'm a lumberjack and I'm okay, I sleep all night and I work all day.

(The other seishi and Miaka organize themselves into a choir.)

Seishi: (singing) He's a lumberjack and he's okay, he sleeps all night and he works all day.

Hotohori: I cut down trees, I eat my lunch, I go to the lavatory. On Wednesdays I go shopping, and have buttered scones for tea.

Seishi: He cuts down trees, he eats his lunch, he goes to the lavatory. On Wednesdays he goes shopping, and has buttered scones for tea. He's a lumberjack and he's okay, he sleeps all night and he works all day.

Hotohori: I cut down trees, I skip and jump, I like to press wild flowers. I put on women's clothing, and hang around in bars.

Seishi: He cuts down trees, he skips and jumps, he likes to press wild flowers. He puts on women's clothing, and hangs around in bars...? (the seishi look a little uncomfortable) He's a lumberjack and he's okay, he sleeps all night and he works all day.

Hotohori: I cut down trees, I wear high heels, suspenders, and a bra. I wish I'd been a girlie, just like my dear Mama.

Seishi: He cuts down trees, he wears high heels... suspenders... and a bra? (the seishi stop singing in disgust, and start throwing rotten fruit at Hotohori)

Nuriko: (wailing) Oh, Hotohori! And I thought you were so rugged!

(Cut to Nakago, walking into a shop, carrying the corpse of Soi. Tasuki is the shopkeeper and is trying to hide behind the cash register. Nakago dumps the corpse on the counter.)

Nakago: Hello, I wish to register a complaint. I wish to complain about this Soi which I purchased not half an hour ago from this very shop.

Tasuki: Oh yes, I remember that. What's wrong with her?

Nakago: I'll tell you what's wrong with her. She's dead, that's what's wrong with her.

Tasuki: No, no, she's resting, look!

Nakago: All right, if she's resting, I'll wake her up. (shouts in her ear) Hello Soi! Wake up!

Tasuki: (nudges her arm) There, she moved.

Nakago: No she didn't. That was you pushing her arm.

Tasuki: I did not.

Nakago: Yes you did. (picks up her hand and lets it drop) Now that's what I call a dead Soi.

Tasuki: No, no, she's stunned.

Nakago: Look, my lad, I've had just about enough of this. This Soi is definitely deceased. And when I bought her just half an hour ago, you assured me that her lack of movement was due to her being tired after a long night of fighting Suzaku's seishi.

Tasuki: She's probably pining for the fjords.

Nakago: Pining for the fjords, what kind of talk is that? Look, I took the liberty of examining her, and found that there was a large sword embedded in her chest, straight through her heart. She's bloody well demised.

Tasuki: She's not, she's pining.

Nakago: She's not pining, she's passed on. This Soi is no more. She's ceased to be. She's expired and gone to meet her maker. This is a late Soi. She's a stiff. Bereft of life, she rests in peace. She's rung down the curtain and joined the choir invisible. This is an ex-Soi.

Tasuki: Well, I'd better replace her then.

Nakago: Now you're talking. Sheesh, if you want to get anything done in this country you have to complain until you're blue in the mouth.

(Cut to Chichiri, in a business suit, sitting at a desk. The desk is floating in midair.)

Chichiri: And now for something completely different no da.

(Cut to the inside of a diner. Miaka and Yui enter the diner. Tamahome, Hotohori, Tasuki, and Chichiri are sitting at tables there and eating. Strangely enough, they are wearing Viking clothing.)

Yui: (to waitress) Morning.

Waitress: Morning.

Yui: So, what have you got?

Waitress: Well, there's egg and bacon; egg, sausage, and bacon; egg and spam; egg, bacon, and spam; egg, bacon, sausage, and spam; spam, bacon, sausage, and spam; spam, egg, spam, spam, bacon, and spam; spam, spam, spam, egg, and spam; spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, baked beans, spam, spam, spam, and spam; or lobster thermidor aux crevettes with a mornay sauce garnished with truffle pate, brandy, and a fried egg on top, and spam.

Yui: Have you got anything without spam in it?

Waitress: Well there's spam, egg, sausage, and spam. That's not got much spam in it.

Yui: I don't want any spam.

Miaka: Why can't she have egg, bacon, sausage, and spam?

Yui: That's got spam in it!

Miaka: Well it's got less than spam, egg, sausage, and spam.

Yui: Look, could I have egg, bacon, sausage, and spam, but without the spam?

Waitress: Bleagggh!

Yui: What do you mean, bleagggh? I don't like spam.

(Tamahome, Hotohori, Tasuki, and Chichiri start singing.)

THTC: Spam, spam, spam, spam... Lovely spam, wonderful spam... (cut to stock footage of a Viking ship, then back to the diner)

Waitress: Shut up, shut up, shut up! (THTC shuts up) You can't have egg, bacon, sausage, and spam, without the spam.

Yui: Why not?

Waitress: Because then it wouldn't be egg, bacon, sausage, and spam, now would it?

Miaka: Don't make a fuss, Yui. I'll have your spam. I love spam!

Yui: You'll eat anything.

Miaka: Well, I know what I'm going to have. I'm ordering the spam, spam, spam, spam...

THTC: Spam, spam, spam, spam...

Miaka: ...spam, spam, baked beans, spam, spam, spam, and spam.

THTC: Spam, spam, spam, spam, lovely spam, wonderful SPAAAAM!

Waitress: Shut up, shut up!

Yui: I wish THTC would sing something else.

(The diner miraculously converts to a stage. THTC rip off the Viking clothes, revealing traditional Spanish costumes underneath. A large picture of a llama appears on the wall. Tasuki starts playing the guitar, Chichiri and Hotohori start dancing with castanets, and Tamahome walks up to the llama picture.)

Tamahome: (in Spanish, with English subtitles) The llama is a quadruped which lives in big rivers like the Amazon. It has two ears, a heart, a forehead, and a beak for eating honey. But it is provided with fins for swimming.

Chiriko: I hate to interrupt, but just about everything you've said about the llama is technically incorrect.

Tasuki, Chichiri, Hotohori: (singing) Llamas are larger than frogs!

Tamahome: Llamas are dangerous, so if you see one where people are swimming, you shout:

Tasuki, Chichiri, Hotohori: (shouting) Look out, there are llamas!

Chiriko: Actually, llamas don't swim, and are very rarely dangerous...

(The person in plate armour appears and whacks Chiriko on the head with the rubber Suzaku. Chiriko is knocked out.)

THTC: (singing) Llamas are larger than frogs!

Yui: Actually, this one's worse than the spam song.

Tamahome: Well, who asked you?

Yui: I think that you shouldn't try for a singing career. Why are you doing this anyway?

Tasuki, Chichiri, Hotohori: Llamas are larger than frogs!

Tamahome: Frankly, it's because I need the money.

(Mitsukake, dressed in black, with his face covered by a mask, bursts into the room. He is carrying two pistols.)

Mitsukake: All right, everyone, this is a stick-up. Right, now my fine friends, no false moves please.

Tamahome: No, no! You're not getting a penny from me, you bandit! (He pulls out his own gun. Mitsukake shoots him in the foot, so he drops his gun and starts hopping around, howling in pain. Miaka doesn't notice this as she is too busy eating her spam.)

Mitsukake: Let that be a lesson to you all. Now, everybody, I want you to hand over all the lupins you've got.

Chichiri: Lupins no da?

Mitsukake: Yes, lupins. Come on, come on.

Tasuki: What do you mean, lupins?

Mitsukake: Don't try to play for time.

Yui: We don't have any lupins.

Hotohori: I have a sackful of the ancient and extremely valuable treasures of Konan Country. Will that do instead?

Tasuki: All I have is a dead Soi.

Mitsukake: All right, people, that's enough. Now hand over your lupins, or I'll be forced to shoot you all.

Chichiri: But we don't have any no da!

Mitsukake: Oh come on, people, stop playing games with me. I'll search you all if I have to. (he does, and finds an amazing number of lupins secreted about in people's clothes) Just as I thought. Not clever enough, my fine friends. Come on, Tama-neko. (he jumps on the cat and rides away, and a song is heard)

Song: Mitsukake Moore, Mitsukake Moore, riding in the night. Soon every lupin in the land will be in his mighty hand. He steals them from the rich and gives them to the poor; Mr. Moore, Mr. Moore, Mr. Moore.

(We see Mitsukake riding through the countryside on his cat, handing out lupins to various poor villagers. He has somehow acquired a nurse's hat and is wearing it.)

Mitsukake: Now, Mrs. Nesbitt, you said you have an awful rash on your arm? Rub it five times a day with this lupin and it'll clear up in no time. You have a headache, Mr. Boyle? Take two lupins and call me in the morning.

Song: Mitsukake Moore, Mitsukake Moore, galloping through the sward. They call him the Lupin Doctor, and they give him an award. He steals from the rich, and he heals all the poor; Dr. Moore, Dr. Moore, Dr. Moore.

(The camera pans back, and we see Nuriko sitting in a living room watching all of this on a television.)

Nuriko: This is terrible. I'd rather be watching Mike Harris ads.

(The television explodes.)

Nuriko: Who asked your opinion? Oh well, I'll just have to go next door to watch the rest of the daily soaps.

(He leaves the house and runs across miles of countryside, past half a city, across a beach, through a battlefield, over a bridge, and across a major highway before coming to another house. He climbs in the window, finding himself in a living room with a television in it. A middle-aged lady is watching the television.)

Nuriko: Hello, Mrs. Flange. I just thought I'd come over and watch the soaps with you.

Mrs. Flange: Shut up! Something interesting is on.

(The camera shows what's on the television screen. We see all the Seiryuu seishi in medieval costumes. A scruffy man is speaking to them.)

Man: Well, don't say I didn't warn you. It's got... horrible fangs... (he demonstrates, using his fingers)

Nakago: I can't see what all the fuss is about. I mean, it's only a little bunny rabbit. All right, everybody, CHARGE!

(The Seiryuu seishi charge towards a dark cave. A cute little rabbit is sitting in front of the cave. It flies up in the air, evading everybody's attacks, and rips Miboshi's arm off. It then attacks Soi (a living one this time), biting her in the throat and killing her.)

Nakago: All right, everyone, run away! Run away! (They do.)

Man: I told you so. (Nakago blasts him into ashes.)

Nakago: Damn! And I just got a new Soi, too. Latest model and everything, all the bells and whistles. Well, we have no choice now. Bring out the Holy Hand-grenade of Kutou.

(Amiboshi provides mysterious flute music.)

Ashitare: (growls in panic) No! Not the holy hand grenade! Anything but that!

Suboshi: What are you complaining about? It's not as if he's using it against you or anything. At least, not this time.

(Miboshi pulls out the Holy Hand-grenade, and Tomo starts reading from the instruction booklet.)

Tomo: Hold the Holy Hand-grenade in one hand, and pull the pin out. Use the other hand to do this task. Now count to three. Do not count to two, as that is not enough. Likewise, do not count to four, as that is one too many. Especially, do not count to five or six, as that is far too many. Then throw the Holy Hand-grenade in the direction of your target. Remember to run away from the target after you throw the Holy Hand-grenade, as then...

Nakago: (interrupting) Oh, just give it to me. (He grabs the grenade from Miboshi, and pulls the pin.) One, two, five!

Seishi: (all together) Three, sir, three!

Nakago: If you insist. Three! There, are you satisfied? Have you corrected me enough? Can I throw it now?

Amiboshi: (puts down flute) Actually, sir...

Nakago: (a little pissed off) Have I performed the pre-throwing rituals to your satisfaction? Has your need for a strict adherence to the correct procedures been fulfilled? (the seishi start looking concerned)

Amiboshi: ...er... it would probably be a good idea to...

Nakago: Have I missed one of the certified phrases? Maybe we should go over the instructions one more time! (all the seishi look very scared)

Amiboshi: (nervously) ...um... you really should throw it now, sir...

Nakago: (looks at the grenade in his hand) Uh oh. (the grenade explodes, killing all the Seiryuu seishi)

(The camera returns to Mrs. Flange and Nuriko in the living room.)

Nuriko and Mrs. Flange: Now *that's* television!

(Cut to a scene of all the Suzaku seishi, dressed in 'Gumby' clothes, standing in front of Konan Country's palace.)

Seishi: (shouting again and again, and never quite synchronized) The end!