Episode I
In the wintry darkness above the desolate rocky surface of Mars, the stars shone brightly, twinkling without warmth. Below, the tarmac and hangers that made up WCCHq Auxiliary Starport lay covered in a thick layer of carbon dioxide frost. It was very still and silent, but for the occasional rumble from the far distant glaciers, as they were split by the intense cold.
A sharp metallic click, followed by the hum of machinery, and the door of one of the buildings swung open. Warm yellow light was cast over the frosty pavement. A small figure, wearing Pro-Tec power armour to protect him from the cold, walked out into the night, and the sound of his boots crushing the frost was the sound of breaking glass.
Sid, the Wonder Wombat, was on a Mission, once again. That is, he was about to go on one. Such was the Extreme Danger of the situation, however, that he had opted to take a short walk before blasting off into Interstellar Space. For ever since Felix's briefing that morning, he had been a Very Troubled And Confused Wombat, and he needed a little time to work things out.
"Nobody likes to have their world threatened," thought Sid, "but even worse is to have ones view of the world threatened... especially ones Scientific View. It's not so much that the laws we use to describe nature should be shown to be wrong from time to time - just think of that E=mc2 fiasco - but that somebody could suddenly change nature such that the laws are no longer applicable - that's a disturbing thought."
Crunch, crunch, crunch, went Sid as he made his way to the control tower. Above him, below him, all around him, through him: The Continuum. The rational assurance that the future will conform to the past. The validity of cause and effect. The certainty of a connected universe. Felix was right, it was important.
Arriving at the tower, Sid turned on the runway lights, and the tarmac defroster. No sense in waking anyone else up, he thought. Besides, the fewer people who knew of his departure, the better. Walking back to the hanger, and his waiting scoutcraft, Sid's thoughts once again turned to musing over the task ahead.
There had emerged into the universe a terrible and terrifying threat to the Continuum...
"The Quanta." said Sid to himself.
Who, or what they were, Sid wasn't sure. Nobody was. All that had been observed was a rash of Discontinuity and Uncertainty radiating from an unknown source. The effect had been particularly devastating on the 1st Arm Central Inter-Species Pool and Billiards Championship, held on Hendrigan VII...
Yet nothing as innocent as a calculator or a peanut-butter-and-grape-jelly sandwich was immune. Which was why Sid's small scoutcraft had been outfitted with several counter-Quanta devices, courtesy of WCCHq: G-Branch. [G for Gadget]
Sid, having by now reached the hanger, climbed into his scoutcraft, and checked out the latest additions to his inventory:
"The Grubnesieh Certainty Generator", read Sid, "allows otherwise undetectable objects to be located exactly. To activate turn switch to 'ON'. Range 50 Zipods."
Can't say the guys at G-Branch didn't make their stuff user friendly... he turned his attention to a large black box, wedged behind the pilot seat.
"Double-Zeta 6-321H ST00-yNG Ab-Initio Molecular Synthesizer ... please read instruction manual before using." Beside it lay a telephone-book-sized volume. "Well, maybe it will be useful at some point." said Sid. He rather doubted it, though.
There was one other item.
"A Newtonian Rationality Forcefield!" cried Sid in delight. "Now this IS useful!" He read on... "Maintains a barrier though which no Quantum effect can pass. All physical effects are safe from Discontinuities, Uncertainties, and Incomprehensabilities induced by this effect...New Improved Tunnelling Suppressant... Wow!"
and in small print:
"Note: We have not tested this device...Best of luck, G-branch..."
Sid settled himself into the pilot's chair, and initiated the startup sequence. The Twin-input Induction Drives glowed a cherry red, then roared to life. Slowly, he taxied onto the now de-thawed runway. A row of blue guidelights stretched off into the distance. Above him the stars waited expectantly. His hands playing over the shimmering controls, Sid made final adjustments.
"Liftoff - NOW!" A shrill whine was followed a second later by a sharp crack and a reverberating sizzle. All that was left of Sid's scoutcraft was a fading glow heading Star-wards.
Sid, the Wonder Wombat, was back.
Episode II
Once clear of Mars, Sid headed Out System, plotting a course for the last recorded Quantum Disturbance. After munching a welcome Toasted-Cheese-Sandwich, he brushed away the crumbs and took out his Continuum Flux Detector. The CFD was Red, Round, and Bounced Really Well.
"Bounce, bounce, bounce..." went the CFD.
"All clear so far." said Sid.
Time passed.
"Bounce, bounce, bounce..." went the CFD
"Still OK." said Sid
The hours bounced by.
"Bounce, bounce, bounce..." went the CFD
Sid was thinking that this was getting silly.
"Bounce, bounce..." went the CFD
"SPproingG!!!"
"ow." said Sid, then, "Yikes!" as he watched the bouncing red ball dissolve into a pink blur. Leaping forward, he hurtled past the perplexed CFD towards the Newtonian Rationality Field Control Box, and slammed the lever over to "Engage Forcefield." A faint hum filled the cabin, but the outlines of the instruments were growing fainter and fainter. Sid looked on in astonishment, then in horror as his own whiskers dissolved in front of his nose.
Then everything snapped back into focus again, and the green light of the Rationality Field Generator came on. All clear.
"Bounce, bounce, bounce..." said the CFD happily.
"Bounce, bounce, yourself." replied Sid kindly.
The navigation computer now indicated that the Scoutcraft was nearing the centre of the Quantum Disturbance, and the scanners indicated a large spacecraft in the vicinity.
Sid asked for a precise location.
The computer displayed:
"Somewhere between here and infinity."
...
"Most likely here." it added.
Things like that are enough to try the patience of even the most dauntless of Space Heroes. Sid looked out the window. "No ship here." he pointed out slowly.
"No.", displayed the computer, ... "There isn't."
Just as Sid was reaching for his Blast-O-Matic ray gun, he remembered about the Grubnesieh Certainty Generator, which seemed to have been designed with just such a problem in mind. Sid took it out of its box, and installed it on the central control panel. The GCG, (or was that CGC?) was a small, complicated-looking cylinder with a large red button on the top, which had 'ON' printed on it in bold black lettering.
Sid pressed the button.
The mathematical process of integrating a Rationalist Mechanical System into phase with a Quantum Mechanical System is tricky, to say the least. For some minutes nothing happened, then a small equation appeared on the computer screen:
"Delta position * delta momentum = 9.734184 z"
Some time passed, as the circuitry of the GCG worked frantically on solving the Certainty Induction Integrals and other difficult matters. Sid, waiting patiently, mused about how computers failed utterly to convey their sense of action and excitement to others.
"Delta position * delta momentum = 1.856365 z"
"Delta position * delta momentum = 0.003759 z"
"And the crowd goes wild" added Sid helpfully.
"Delta position * delta momentum = 0.000019 z"
"Delta position * delta momentum = 0.000003 z"
The GCG was almost there, but its circuits were melting under the stress. Summoning up its last reserves of strength, it threw itself into the last stretch. (Outwardly, of course, it remained the model of Stoic Determination.)
"Delta position * delta momentum = 0.000002 z"
"Delta position * delta momentum = 0.000001 z"
"Delta position * delta momentum = 0.000000 z ... llll-273-hhhh-88788 JkYYYY-9999 POSITION LOCK OBTAINED."
And large grey battlecruiser melted into view, directly in front of the scoutcraft. It was so close Sid could read the nameplate.
"MCSCF-EIGENVALUE"
Although not quite so large as a church door, t'will serve, t'will serve, as the saying goes, and actually, it was alot bigger than a even the largest of church doors, and considerably more dangerous.
Deep within the internal workings of the battlecruiser, the captain's order was given: "Fire the Tractor Beam!" shouted the captain, in a rather natty French accent.
In another part of the ship, French Agricultural Workers protested bitterly at the way their Tractors were being fired without their consent, but nobody paid them much attention.
The Tractor Beam immobilized Sid's scoutcraft, and like a big fish, the MCSCF Eigenvalue swallowed it whole before Sid could croak a startled "Wha..."
So it was that Sid found himself in the dark, dingy hold of the Quantum Ship Eigenvalue, as it cruised through space, spreading Confusion and Uncertainty wherever it sped. Will the progress of the dreadful Quanta through Rational Space be unstoppable? If anyone was to stop it from permanently destroying the fabric of the Continuum, that person was Sid, the Wonder Wombat.
Episode III
Sid's scoutcraft had landed on piles of crates and boxes, with such curious names as 'Iris','Cyber 205', and 'HP'. There was no sense in sitting about, thought Sid, so he put on his Pro-Tec power armour, grabbed his Blast-O-Matic ray gun, and stepped outside.
As he waded his way though the boxes, he noticed that they were all empty. The hold was seemingly devoted to the Storage of Empty Boxes.
"Hmmm..." thought Sid.
"Ha!" said a voice.
"?"
"Ha ha!" said another voice, and two lab-coated figures appeared from out of the dimness.
"I am Hartree" sang one.
"Und I am Fock" sang the other.
"Und together ve are Hartree-Fock!" they concluded triumphantly. "Now you are to be taken to the captain. So hand over your Blaster, or ve vill turn you into..." here they looked at each other and giggled hysterically, "an Anti-Symmetric Vavefunction!"
Sid decided it would be wisest to comply for the moment, so he allowed himself to be led out of the hold, and along many twisting narrow passages. Eventually they came to an immense room jammed full of computer equipment, most of it with wires and circuit boards dangling out the back. Two more lab-coated figures, identical to Sid's two guards, looked up brightly from their work.
"I am Born." sang one.
"Und I am Oppenheimer!" sang the other.
"Oh no." groaned Sid.
"Und together ve are Born-Oppenheimer... that is, «giggle» Approximately! The Captain is Upstairs, und he vill see you now."
With that the four completely lost interest in Sid, and busied themselves instead with the acres of computer hardware that surrounded them. Sid went up the stairs. They led to the Bridge of the battlecruiser, a cool, dark, circular chamber, with heavy wooden beams, shiny brass instruments, and a great oak steering wheel. Charts lay spread out on gilt tables, held down by shimmering crystal paperweights. A big brass bell hung from the ceiling, and portraits lined the walls. Through the large windows Sid carefully watched the stars go by.
"Just checking" said Sid.
"squaWK."
"What?" asked Sid.
"sQUAwk!"
Then he saw Professor P. and Polly the Quantum Parrot.
"Arr! So, you scurvy sea-marsupial, think you're so clever, do you? Know everything there is ta know 'bout MO theory, do you? Arrrrrr.... " As the Arrrr. reverberated around the room, Polly added a strident "SQuawk!" for emphasis.
"Right." Sid, temporarily flummoxed at the sight of the highly decorative Pirate and his green Quantum Parrot, had regained his composure. He fixed the Gallic Professor with a steely gaze. "I suppose you think you have the upper hand?"
As comeback lines went, that was not one for the record books. Sid resolved to shut up for a while and let his adversary do the talking.
"... but of course, you have No Idea. The simplest STO/3G calculations are beyond your comprehension." Professor P. sighed deeply. "If only it were possible for you to Understand It All, before I reduce you to a Diffuse Probability Distribution: The beauty of the orbitals... the harmony of the quadropole resonance... the excitement of hyperpolarizabilities..."
This, to Sid, did not seem very exciting at all, and while he wasn't sure what Diffuse Probability Distribution actually meant, it sounded very unpleasant.
"... yet today, I am feeling strangely forgiving... " Here a misty look came into his eyes. "... It has been so long since I have had a visitor. No one seems to care any more about my wonderful progress in Quantum Science... «sniff»"
"Squaawk.." Polly assured him.
"... so now I will show you my LAB!" Whirling about on his wooden leg, Professor P. led the way. There was little for Sid to do but follow.
"Here it is..." The room they were now in resembled an observatory, being circular and domed. In place of a telescope, however, it held the dreaded Quantum Ray. After Sid had duly Ohed, Ahed and Ummed his appreciation, Professor P. continued...
"It is my greatest invention, being able to transform any ugly matter into the most perfect and gratifying of Quantum Systems. A P orbital. A Slater Determinant. Even an exact replica of a Benzene Excited State!"
"Squawk!" sang Polly in appreciation.
Sid stared up at the sinister device, and realized that it Had to Go. No Great Plan presented itself to him, however, so he decided instead to engage in some Subtle Interrogation.
"So." asked Sid. "What are Fock and the FockTones up to downstairs?"
At this the Pirate Professor looked downcast, but only for a moment. "That project has not been so successful as yet" he admitted, "As you may have guessed, we did not originate in this spiteful Rational Universe, and its Confounded Continuum. Polly and I came from Quantum Space. Didn't we Polly?"
"squawk..." sighed Polly wistfully.
"And if we can't get back there, the best we can hope for is to build a new Quantum Space in this dimension, with which, I have just remembered, you are to be intimately acquainted, Right Now!"
And from out of the folds of his green and gold cloak he drew a miniature version of his Quantum Ray. "Arrrrrr!" he laughed, "This is better than the Planck, this is!"
Whether he meant Planck, the constant, or Planck, the board, we'll never know.
"Wait!" cried Sid, desperate. Green bolts on energy crackled from the gun. The Wonder Wombat skilfully ducked, and a console at the back of the room vaporized into Diffuse Probability.
"Stand Still!" Yelled Professor P. as Sid raced around the room. ZAp! ZaP! went the gun. Fortunately, Professors of Quantum Mechanics, even Piratical ones, are lousy shots. Miscellaneous equipment dissolved in dazzling displays of Green Pyrotechnics.
"Now I have you!" panted the Professor, for Sid was now seemingly cornered up against the supports of the big Quantum Ray in the centre of the room. "Prepare to meet Delocalized Death, Martian Footstool!!"
Once again bolts of green energy lit the room. Sid threw himself to the ground, missing vaporization by the merest fraction of a zinch. The support behind him shimmered, and then distributed itself exponentially over Allspace.
Sid looked back at his handiwork. The Quantum Ray, deprived of its support, debated for a while the merits of Newton's Law of Gravitation, and then fell ponderously to the ground in a shower of sparks, flames, and general mayhem.
"Arrrrrrrrr..." wailed Professor P.
"Squaaaaawk..." wailed Polly.
It was some while before Professor P. and Polly the Quantum Parrot recovered. When they did they found Sid, the Wonder Wombat, complete with Blast-O-Matic in hand, looking sternly in their direction.
"There is no reason at all," began Sid stiffly, "to prevent me from Blasting you two Quantum Miscreants where you stand."
"Squawk?" asked Polly.
"Yes you." replied Sid coldly. "But since I usually prefer work things out diplomatically, I'm willing to let you just warp back to your own Quantum Universe, if you promise never to strain the Continuum with your presence again."
"But we can't," objected Professor P. "That is unless Fock and the others can get their Trillium Calculations to work.. and well, frankly, they Aren't Too Bright...." and he trailed off dejectedly.
"Explain..." prompted Sid
"Our Trans-Dimensional Engine is fuelled by Trillium, which was fine, until SOMEONE knocked over their water dish into the fuel reserves." and Professor P. glared accusingly at Polly.
"Squawk!" objected Polly, indignant.
"Well anyway, the fact is we ran out of Trillium, and how was I to know that it didn't exist in this universe? We've been trying to use AbInitio Synthesis to generate an effective substitute.. but so far, no success."
Sid thought hard. He thought some more.
"One second." he told them, and dashed off. Eventually he got back to his scoutcraft. "The Double-Zeta 6-321H ST00-yNG Ab-Initio Molecular Synthesizer" he read again, as he surveyed the device. Well, it certainly wouldn't hurt to try. Disregarding the "Read this before Turning On Device." handbook, Sid flipped the 'ON' switch...
"Welcome." said a soft voice. "How may I help you?"
"Do you know," asked Sid, "what Trillium is?"
"I do." it affirmed gently "It is a molecule made from three protons, three neutrons, and two electrons. If you would like to, you could consult references 60-11-4251, 65-9-3547 and 70-1-1 for specific details."
"Errr, some other time" said Sid quickly. "What I need right now, rather badly, as it happens, if for you to make some."
"Liquid, or in new easy to swallow capsules?" queried the machine.
"Liquid, I think." said Sid.
So the Double-Zeta 6-321H ST00-yNG Ab-Initio Molecular Synthesizer went to work. Parameters were varied, Atomic Orbitals were Combined Linearly, Geometries were Optimized, and Basis Sets were Constructed. Then there was the matter of Potential Surfaces, Polarization Functions, Gradients, and Lambda Doubling. Then the ACCD was combined with the GIAO's in a full-CI Z-SCF rearrangement involving SCEP coupled to the APT. By the LSA, the DHF/DNC was further integrated in a CC approach minimizing the BSSE PNO.
Of all this Sid was blissfully unaware, until the machine beeped carefully, and reminded him to make sure a beaker was under the exit spout before engaging the pour? command. Sid then duly collected the Trillium in Oppenheimer's Cocoa Mug, and brought it back to the Bridge.
After insuring that All was Well aboard the MCSCF Eigenvalue, Sid flew his scoutcraft out to a safe distance, and watched to see what happened. After a minute or three the battlecruiser shuddered, wavered once, then winked out of existence.
A happy "SquawK!" was faintly heard.
Sid, the Wonder Wombat, swung his scoutcraft around, and, once again assured of Continuity and Certainty in the universe, flew homeward through the twinkling stars.