COPYRIGHT DISCLAIMER: All rights and privileges to Houshin Engi belong to Ryu Fujisaki, JUMP Comics; Shueisha Inc., and TV Tokyo. Characters from HE are used without permission for the purpose of entertainment only. This work of fanfiction is not meant for commercial use. No infringements of rights are intended. In other words - please don't sue me, I need my allowance to buy HE merchandise and make you guys rich! **************************************************************** Smiling Tears Part IV By Shioru Sutherlands (aka. Kotoshin) **************************************************************** i don't want to understand you don't want to understand i'm afraid to comprehend you're afraid to comprehend how you have got me possessed won't admit you were impressed that i'm truly obsessed or that i had you outguessed if i strip away the lies if you strip away the lies will i find truth in your eyes will you live without disguise if i put aside my mask if you set aside your mask will you answer what i ask you will answer what you ask what does he have that i have not you won't heed the words i say what do i lack that he has got if i speak the truth today simply cannot let it lie you refuse to recognize need to know the reason why the self hidden in your eyes impossible to let you know impossible to let you know my facade from head to toe what comes easy also goes the stark truth of heart and soul only if the price is met secret of myself as a whole are found truths one can't forget from you i've nowhere to hide from you i've nowhere to hide still i can't forget my pride awakening memories inside if i pretend i am fine you and i like parallel lines would you come past the last line somehow crossed and intertwined - "Parallel Lines" -- Youzen <-> Fuugen Shinjin ================================================================ GYOKUIZUMISAN, UMEISEKKAI (early evening) Under a bloody crescent, the faint outline of two fallen figures were shadowed under the silhouettes of barren baika tress. Youzen could see himself reflected in blue-violet eyes. Gazing at his own reflection, he wondered if he seemed as uncertain to their owner. Pinning the sennin securely, Youzen bent, and pressed his lips to Fuugen's. He expected a struggle. He expected Fuugen to tense with shock or even ... disgust. He expected Fuugen to push him away, to fight him, to attempt escape. Youzen was ready for any of those things. If the sennin had struggled, he would have held firm. He would have held on even if the body beneath rejected him with frigid silence. If the sennin had tried to resist, he would have ... ...he would not have stopped what he was doing. But Fuugen did none of those things. Arms slipped upwards, wound slowly about his neck, bringing him closer. The body beneath his was pliant, even willing. Lips touched his, and while he was content to simply let the moment stay, frozen, Fuugen was not. Fuugen kissed him back. Lips touched his, and parted. Surprised, Youzen opened his mouth to speak, only to feel the intrusion of tongue and warm breath. "... fu - Fuugen Shinjin?!" So, it was Youzen who drew back. Youzen, who pulled away as if he had been burnt. Fuugen was smiling. A smile that was different from the gentle smile Youzen was accustomed to seeing. There was something savage, almost wanton in the laughing expression. "I am sorry to have frightened you, Youzen-kun." Fuugen sat up, smiling, one hand smoothing back tousled locks of sky-blue hair. "Was that your first kiss?" He stared in disbelief as the sennin stood, calmly picking off stray blades of grass that clung to white pants. This was not the Fuugen Shinjin he knew. Youzen backed away, only to find himself up against a tree trunk. As if sensing his confusion, Fuugen stalked over, resting hands against the sides of his head. Swallowing, he tried to think. "Do I frighten you, Youzen-kun?" The voice was a husky purr beside his ear. "No, don't answer that." Panicked, purple eyes could only return the predatory look that was to be found in blue-violet eyes. "Youzen-kun ... " A fiery burn on his neck, as Fuugen put his mouth there, nipping hungrily. "Aren't you going to stop me?" /Wasn't this what I wanted?/ Yes, it was. Pearly teeth caught hold of the zipper at his throat, and tugged down, slowly. It was what he wanted. To be wanted, to be loved by this person. Searing sensation, making him tremble as the sennin kissed his exposed skin. /Don't I WANT this?/ Youzen didn't understand himself at all. /... why don't I want this?/ "Stop ... " He heard himself say. "... please ..." He was freed. "... Fu... Fuugen ...?" With his back pressed against the rough bark, Youzen panted heavily. Why? He wanted to ask. Why did you stop? "Youzen-kun," Fuugen Shinjin stood in a broken patch of moonlight, back turned. "You are not the only person who wears a mask." Those words shook him to the core. "Youzen-kun." The sennin turned, the familiar, sweetly angelic smile on his face. "See you tomorrow." ... how had Fuugen known? "You know where I live, Youzen-kun." ================================================================ IN THE NIGHT He couldn't. He couldn't stay. He couldn't stay and face those eyes. He couldn't stay and face those eyes that were his. His eyes. HIS OWN EYES. His own eyes, staring back at him from the past. His past, a distant past too close. The lies. The lies in those eyes. The lies that those eyes refused to see. Self-deception, self-delusion - no matter what the name, lies were lies. "If it was you, you might have been able to prevent this." Emerald eyes, laughing, merry emerald eyes. Emerald eyes, golden hair and golden laughter. So like and so unlike from another pair of emerald-green eyes. "If it was you, you would have prevented this ..." A pair of emerald eyes, the most important person to him. "... wouldn't you?" She, too, had been the most important person to him. She had saved his life, twice. She had destroyed his life once. "... if you had the power to prevent this ..." She was dead. "... wouldn't you?" Fuugen did not weep. "You will regret." Emerald eyes, all warmth fled - leaving only the cold glitter of gems behind. "Why?" He already knew the answer to his question. "... because I will not forgive." The hatred in those emerald eyes had nearly destroyed him, even as it saved his life. Unwilling to believe, he had locked himself away into a lie that never happened. //My name is Fuugen. My parents sent me up here when the sennin told them I was to come to Konronsan. What's your name?// A pair of emerald eyes, with the same vivid intensity, the same fire. A pair of emerald eyes that held the same pain. //... Taikoubou.// //I think I'll call you Bou-chan, ne?// //... hey! Who gave you permission to call me that?// "You don't like it, Bou-chan?" He had smiled, teasing. //NO.// //Don't be shy, Bou-chan. Here.// //What's this?// A pair of gloves, warm and thick, suitable for the coming cold weather. //Don't you like it? My mother made it for me. She told me she will make me another pair the next time I go visit her. You can keep this pair, Bou-chan.// It was a lie. His parents were dead, his village razed to the ground. He pretended that they were still there, that it had never happened. Bou-chan had been very angry when he found out. //*SLAP*// He had one hand pressed to his cheek, disbelieving. //... Bou-chan?// The emerald eyes burned, quivering in anger. //Are you going to live a lie forever? Are you going to pretend it never happened? I know that it hurts. I know that it hurts to remember. I have lost my family, my people, too. I know that I'm not you, and I don't know the pain you feel. But - if you don't accept the truth - You will never be able to keep it from happening again!// No. It will not happen again. It will NEVER happen again. //Will you help me do this?// And it was those emerald eyes that made him see the truth. Emerald eyes, which forced him to see himself for the coward he was. Emerald eyes which accepted him, emerald eyes ... //It's a deal.// ... emerald eyes that allowed him look at his reflection, his truth, without flinching. "I am who I am." Fuugen knew very well what kind of a bastard he really was. He knew he was a smiling, manipulative bastard. "Bou-chan ..." He smiled. The person he would do anything to protect. The person he would lie to, lie for. The person he would kill for, die for. The person he chose to live for. "... will you prevent this from happening again?" Emerald eyes, tainted by an emotion he would never allow the pair he treasured to hold. For his emerald eyes contained a dream so wide, so encompassing, that it held his own dream as a single grain of sand. "I am waiting for your answer, Ei Shuu." [1] "I don't have the answer," he told the eyes - emerald eyes - looking at him from a distant memory. "... but I know who does." ================================================================ KOKYUSAN, HAKKUSHIRU DOU "Fuugen, WHERE have you been?" Taikoubou demanded as soon as he crossed the threshold. "I'm STARVING!" "Out ... for a walk." Fuugen Shinjin smiled back. "A walk?" That was it? THAT took the smiling idiot that long? A stupid little walk made Fuugen forget that there was someone starving here back home? [2] Okay, serious payback time tonight. "Susuu, have a little patience." Mokutaku poked his head out. "Shishou! You're back! I ... ur ... I'm having a little trouble with the bamboo steam cages ..." "I'll take care of it." Fuugen smiled. He'd forgotten that Mokutaku had only steamed buns once. "Won't you go over to the fridge and find the red clay pot? It should be on the third shelf from the bottom, to the right. That is the soup I was going to heat up tonight." Given the chill in the night, hot soup was a very good idea. "Fuugen?" Taikoubou caught hold of his arm. "... you're freezing. (sheesh, and you always say /I/ don't know how to take care of myself ...) Get inside here -?!" Fuugen hugged him tightly. "...*gasp* ... you're squeezing the breath out of me." Taikoubou pried himself loose. "What is with you today?" "Nothing." They were standing just outside the kitchen. "I just ... realized how happy I am." "... don't even /think/ of getting out of your promise tonight." "Bou-chan," Fuugen smiled back as he set up the bamboo steam cage properly. "Perhaps I'm happy because I'm looking forward to it?" /Ohohohohoho./ Taikoubou snickered mentally. /We'll just see about that./ ================================================================ GYOKUIZUMISAN, UMEISEKKAI Fuugen left. //Youzen-kun, see you tomorrow.// Recovering /his/ mask without fumbling, Fuugen Shinjin left. //You know where I live, Youzen-kun.// Youzen could still hear his voice. Suddenly furious, he swung Sansendou into the ground before him, hard. Staring at the jagged lines cut deeply into the earth, Youzen felt a grim satisfaction. /... how ... childish./ The senseless destruction made him felt much better - until he thought of /him/ again. He remembered. //I abhor senseless violence and destruction.// The words Fuugen Shinjin said twenty years ago. "You aren't here." He told the laughing night wind. "I can do as I please. I don't care what you think of me!" But he did. //Youzen-kun, you are not the only person who wears a mask.// "Leave me ... alone." Youzen buried his face in his hair, his hands; trying to collect the shattered semblance of perfection. ================================================================ KOKYUSAN, HAKKUSHIRU DOU "Ahhh. Your cooking is excellent, as always." Taikoubou let out a satisfied burp. Mokutaku looked into his bowl of cream of corn egg-drop soup, covering his snickers. His susuu seemed more of a child than /he/ was at times ... "I'm glad you liked it, Bou-chan," Fuugen collected the various bowls, plates, and eating utensils. "Mokutaku, it's your turn tonight." "Hai, shishou." Mokutaku busied himself with finishing his soup. "... I was wondering - why doesn't Taikoubou-susuu ever take a turn at doing the dishes?" "Would you trust me with those dishes?" Taikoubou took a peach from the basket on the table, and bit down after polishing the fruit against a sleeve. "I just might make sure no one ever needs to do dishes again." "Oh." Mokutaku's eyes widened. Given Taikoubou-susuu's ... tendencies, it was very likely that the doushi would break EVERY single dish and bowl just so he wouldn't have to do them. "Mokutaku," Fuugen gave his pupil a meaningful look. "Don't give your susuu ideas." Setting the dishes in the sink, Fuugen turned on the faucet. "Shishou, when's practice tomorrow? The one I'm to do with Nii-sama?" "The usual time, an hour after daybreak." Fuugen smiled. "Don't stay up too late." ================================================================ GYOKUIZUMISAN, UMEISEKKAI (midnight) The tread of familiar footsteps. "Youzen." "... shishou?" Youzen woke from a fitful doze. He had curled himself up against one of the baika trees. "You'll catch a cold like this." A blanket draped about his shoulders. Familiar warmth, arms helping him up and guiding him ... home. "... I'm sorry, shishou." He was tired. He did not need his mask with this person. With the person who knew him for who he was - for /what/ he was - the only person who loved him /despite/ knowing what he was. //Youzen-kun, you are not the only person to wear a mask.// He wanted to cry. "Come inside." There was no hint of reproach in Gyokutei Shinjin's voice. "It's late." "Hai." ================================================================ ~tbc~ ================================================================ [1] Ei Shuu = 3/4Æ1/4° what shi set as Fuugen's birth name. If anyone's interested in the actual Chinese characters, open or cut n' paste this file in a Chinese word processor. [2] Ehehehheh. Susuu, you've been brainwashed by Fuugen, ne? Don't you have your own room back at Gyokukyo Kyu? ================================================================ Shin no Freetalk: EEEP. A dark chapter this time. What happened to all the jokes and light-hearted parts? Nevermind. It will come back w/ a vengeance. Still, shi was amazed that shi managed to do the Fuugen flashback/past bit without giving /too/ much away. ^o^ And the thought of Fuugen 'devirginizing' Youzen ... numnum. Hmmm. Lots of teacher-pupil interaction here ... isn't family life wonderful? (starts envisioning Papa-susuu & Momma-Fuugen and plus the baby Mokutaku makes three ... ^^;) Susuu's revenge WAS going to be in this chapter, but the weird dark mood -> fun bondage mood shift had shi feel pretty ... odd. Not just shi, but also shi's proofreaders. It was very jarring when they pointed it out - however, given shi's extreme mood changes, shi dinna notice when writing. So vengeance has been cut out of this part. Making this a short part. MWAHHAHAHAHAH. (2 hrs/day for two days of work, just like the first part ~ but only 15K ~) Shi decided it will NOT reach 50K this part. Ehehehehh. Go on, have at shi w/ the mails. I dare you. mail shi-chan at kichin@doushi.org with any comments! ^o^ ================================================================ Sneak previews of what's going to happen next: Susuu's revenge (finally!). Youzen pays a visit, and learns more about Fuugen. Genshitenson calls for Youzen. ================================================================ First Edition: September 25th, 2000 at 10:27 AM Last Revised: September 27th, 2000 at 9:16 PM ================================================================