Vignette
By
Joshua Trujillo

2.2

Kaji wondered. He wondered if it were the Commander's idea to 
always put NERV headquarters in the dark, or if that was some 
kind of weird design flaw. It only seemed to be in certain areas. Or 
perhaps, it was done purposefully. He couldn't think of one good 
reason *why* the hallways had to be dark. He couldn't think of a 
good reason why they couldn't be painted pink with 'It's a Small 
World' blaring from the speakers...So long as they shut them down 
for announcements...Kaji sighed. So, this is what a night with 
Misato did to him. Turned him into an idiot. Now, Misato would 
have retorted that he always was an idiot. Kaji smirked to himself. 
What was it about that woman that made him love-

Love?

...Love. Could he ever get up the guts to tell her? No. That was a 
quick answer. A stupid question too. Of course he'd never be able 
to tell her. She certainly deserved a man like him, he smirked 
again. There was love there, to be sure, but sometimes, love isn't 
enough.

A noise came to his ears and Kaji picked up his feet as he reached 
the bottom of the steps. The little technique was something he 
found useful when sneaking about as it allowed silent travel, at 
least over short distances. He stopped at the bottom of the stairs 
and slowly poked his head around the corner. He counted to ten as 
his breath and heart rate slowed, another silence trick. Light spilled 
out haphazardly from Ritsuko's office. He saw a shadow climb 
from within the room and crawl across the floor of the hall and up 
the far wall. Perhaps time for a little toy. Kaji pulled his head back 
and reached in his jacket. He pulled out a length of black tubing 
with an eyepiece at one end. He turned the eyepiece for some 
initial adjustments, but held the other end of the tube around the 
corner. The shadow had resolved itself into the form of Gendo 
Ikari. Gendo tucked his shirt in as he turned back to the doorway. 
He said nothing, for the absolute silence of the hall remained 
unbroken. Was that a smile? Or, for what passed as a smile with 
Gendo Ikari? Gendo coughed once and turned away from Kaji as 
the door closed. He walked the short distance to the elevator and 
waited until it opened. The door binged and Gendo disappeared 
from view as the elevator doors closed. Ritsuko's door was still 
open.

Kaji blew out a noisy breath that he hadn't realized he was holding. 
He wrinkled his nose. Holding your breath was bad; it led to 
unconsciousness and, held in the wrong places, death. Kaji 
straightened and replaced his flexible eye in the breast pocket of 
his jacket. One never knew when one needed those kinds of 
thingies. Gendo came out of Ritsu's office. Not noteworthy of 
itself, but what of the silence in Gendo's retreat and the tucking of 
the shirt? Kaji shook his head and stepped out into the hallway. 
Kaji brought himself up short. A zipper sound ripped lightly 
through the silence in the hall and Kaji raised an eyebrow. Another 
sound, a quiet sound, came from her office. Kaji sighed to himself 
and shook his head. He knew what that sound was and didn't like 
what it implied for the whole scene.

It was Ritsu...And she was crying. Not loudly. Kaji doubted that 
she could allow herself enough emotional release to cry more than 
what could be described as sobbing. Some people were like that, 
and Ritsu was one of them. As he knew, she got it from her 
mother. Now there was a scary person. Naoko Akagi was someone 
that even Kaji wouldn't joke with. He tried once, back when she 
was helping build the Gehirn/NERV base in Germany. He'd joked 
about something and Naoko had jumped all over him about the 
seriousness of the situation. She was the first person to truly scare 
him. Ritsu could be scary sometimes, but he thought that he knew 
her too well to truly be frightened of her.

The sobbing hadn't abated as he came to the open door. He looked 
in. Ritsuko had slumped forward to her desk and was crying into 
her hands there. Kaji noticed that her white lab coat lay nearby, 
turned roughly inside out; like someone had pulled it off her...Kaji 
closed his eyes. He had two choices. He had a thing and could go 
do that. Perhaps come back later. Ritsu would never know that he 
knew and it was just something else that he'd have to store for 
later. Or...He could knock...

He rapped lightly on the frame of the open door. Ritsu stopped 
sobbing and quickly tried to order herself together. She turned 
slightly and relaxed at Kaji's smiling visage. She slumped in her 
chair and turned back to the monitor in front of her. Sure, he saw 
the tear-stained cheeks, the red eyes. Kaji also noticed the flush in 
the cheeks for which crying couldn't account. Nor the mussed hair, 
or the crooked clothes. Papers lay strewn over the desk, compacted 
flat in some areas. Ritsu wiped at her eyes and tried to regain her 
broken composure. She retrieved her glasses from near the 
monitor, leaned back in her seat and wiped the lenses, though Kaji 
really doubted them dirty. Kaji sighed and stepped over to her left 
side and leaned up against the desk. He put on a slight, friendly 
smile and crossed his arms in front of him.

"You may be in NERV intelligence," Ritsuko warned, "But there 
are some things about which it is hazardous to ask."

"I was just wondering if we could talk?"

She sighed and put on her glasses. She looked so different without 
her glasses. Kaji thought on it for a moment. It was the glasses that 
had first attracted him to her, that kind of self-assured sexiness in 
the young prodigal scientist. She was the shit. Her Profs kissed her 
ass and she was almost thrown out because one professor actually 
accused her of letting him. Kaji laughed at her problem back then. 
The Prof had a dubious reputation to begin with, but then to 
challenge the sweetheart of the college? Ritsu had brought in more 
money in grants and research than that poor sap could ever dream 
and the university knew it. Kaji got to know her, some would say 
at his own risk, and found a woman that had some real issues to 
deal with. He became a convenient vent for her, until she found a 
way to vent on her own. He didn't mind because he liked her spunk 
and she kept him on his toes. It also didn't hurt that she became 
quick friends with Misato either...

"What would you like to talk about?" she asked, "You and 
Misato?"

A smirk rolled across his lips. She'd always been like that. She'd 
always been able to see right through him. Or rather, he'd let her...

"Yes," he admitted, "After last night, I'm now thoroughly confused 
by her."

"When aren't you?" she snorted.

"Now more so than normal."

"Ah."

"Yeah."

"So."

"So?"

Ritsuko sighed heavily as she turned away from her monitor. It still 
seemed that there was a heavy weight around her.

"What do you want me to tell you, Kaji?" she asked softly, "She's 
Misato...You know her probably as well or better than I do..."

She looked up at him, her glasses glinted a high shine from the 
fluorescent lighting overhead. Kaji sniffed the air, as much a 
gesture for her sake as anything else.

"Yeah..." he sighed, "I guess..."

Ritsu frowned at him slightly. She snorted roughly and turned back 
to her monitor, but didn't go back to work. Kaji smirked again. She 
never could take it when he acted so non-committal. It was his 
'Pimpin' Face' that she didn't like. His smirk faded as he noticed. 
Her shoulders shook slightly. Very slightly. Not even noticeable, 
really...He said nothing, but he believed he knew what it was from, 
or rather, whom it's from. He sighed. Nothing like all these 
decisions to brighten one's day. If only an Angel would 
attack...Kaji reached out slowly and touched Ritsu on her bare left 
shoulder. Ritsuko leapt from her chair with a blood-curdling 
shriek, her eyes wide with fear. Both grabbed at their chests as the 
adrenaline ran shock through their systems. Kaji tried to mumble 
out an apology, but had no idea what could make her so...He was 
at a loss...

"Kaji..." she breathed, "I'm sorry...I've been under...pressure..."

She faded off as the shaking came back to her, stronger this time. 
She steadied herself against her chair with one hand and raised the 
other to cover her eyes as the tears came.

"This has something to do with the person that left here a few 
minutes ago, doesn't it?" Kaji stated softly.

Of course it did. Both knew that, but he wouldn't get anywhere if 
he didn't ask.

"Kaji...Just ignore it," she said through her sobs, "Just let it be..."

"No, I won't just let it be, Ritsu," Kaji puffed himself up, "We're 
friends and I promised long ago that I'd always look after you and 
Misato. Others here might think you don't have emotion because of 
that damned mask you put on, but it doesn't fool me."

Ritsuko took off her glasses and sniffed slightly.

"It never has..."

"No," Kaji sighed, "It never has."

He held a handkerchief out to her. She looked at him and laughed 
lightly as she took it. She wiped at her eyes and took a cleansing 
breath. She chuckled to herself.

"You know, of course, that if I told you what went on, I'd have to 
kill you."

"I'd want torture first from such a beautiful executioner..." he 
laughed, "I seem to remember someone getting a riding crop one 
year for her birthday..."

She broke into an easier laugh as she sat back down.

"Yeah," she said, "I even think I still have that thing around."

She turned her chair back to the monitor and shuddered slightly. 
Kaji laid his hand on her shoulder, this time, without much 
reaction from her. Much. She reached up with her left hand and 
grasped his. She gave it a comforting squeeze and sighed again. 
Kaji said nothing for a minute, but frowned at his own damned 
curiosity. He should know better...

"How long has it been going on, Ritsu?"

She was quiet and he fully expected her to not give him an answer. 
Or slap him, whichever.

"A long time," she said stiffly, "Longer than I thought it would."

"Do you love him?"

"Could I do what I do and *not* love him..." Ritsuko stumbled at 
the faults in her own logic, "At least in some way?"

"You know that answer better than I do," Kaji gave her hand a 
squeeze and moved to sit at the desk beside her, "And besides, I 
think I'm the absolute last person qualified to answer that."

Ritsu got up from her chair and faced him. He thought she might 
slug him for something, but she pulled him into a hug. Her arms 
held him tightly, as if she were holding on to something. Tears 
came to her eyes again as he returned the hug.

"Do you know he doesn't even say anything," she breathed in his 
ear, "Not before, not during and not after. Never after. Sometimes, 
he'll look at me and smile. Most of the time, he'll just walk away."

She let her sobs come and Kaji could say nothing but hold her and 
let her cry. It was obvious to him that this was something she'd 
needed for a long time. He wondered how long it had really been 
going on...Since NERV formed? Before then? And what kind of 
person was Gendo Ikari, to use Ritsu like this? Really, Kaji had 
thought that a man that would use his own child in life or death 
missions was something of a bastard, but who else would go? In 
some way, he'd always rationalized, in the back of his mind 
somewhere, that if Gendo *could* have gone instead of Shinji, he 
would have. Maybe that wasn't true...? Another thought came to 
him.

"Who knows about this?"

"You," she calmed some, "Maybe Misato, I don't know. Maya 
might know, but I doubt she'd ever say anything. A couple 
others..."

Kaji pulled her to arm's length and looked at her. She lowered her 
head and sighed a tired and heavy sigh.

"I think that's the thing that I hate the most..." she said, almost too 
quietly, "He won't even say my name. It's like I'm just a thing to 
him."

Kaji shook his head.

"Why not refuse?"

He dropped his hands from her arms.

"I can't refuse him anything," she said, turning from him, "I can't 
refuse him. Don't you think I've tried? Don't you think I have it all 
planned out? He'd come in and lock the door, like he always does 
now. Then he...Don't you think that I've had in mind to refuse him 
in that moment? I just can't..."

"Ritsuko," he said in return, "there's no one else who can help you 
with this-"

"I know..." her snort interrupted, "I'm just like my mother. Not 
being able to refuse him, that is."

The thought rolled pregnant between them for half a minute before 
what she had said finally sunk in.

"Your...Mother?" Kaji asked, aghast.

Ritsu turned back to him and smirked her 'cat-smile' at him. It was 
one of those 'I-know-what-you-did-*or-are-planning-to-do*-and-
I'd-advise-you-to-stop,-but-you'll-do-it-anyway' kind of smiles...

"Yeah, both me and mom couldn't refuse him," she sighed, "The 
difference between us is that she actually thought that he had some 
kind of emotion for her. She was a fool. And I am the fool no less."

Kaji shook his head at her. She smiled sadly and picked her lab 
coat from the chair. She brushed nonexistent specks from the back 
and sleeves before she swung it around and slid it on. Kaji 
scratched his forehead and lit a questioning look at her. She 
smirked and wagged a finger at him.

"You shake your head, but he has an animal magnetism to his 
power that makes him sexy," she said, "He had it back in college, 
which is where Yui noticed him. He had it at Gehirn in the 
beginning, which is where my mother noticed him. And he still has 
it."


"The image of a naked Gendo Ikari is about the last thing I want in 
my head right now, Ritsu," he shook his head, "Now, about my 
head being in either yours or-"

"You are *such* a pig," Ritsuko snickered, "But perhaps that's part 
of your boyish charm?"

Kaji smiled a winning smile.

"No," she turned, "I guess not."

She laughed at his crestfallen look, but sobered. She took a breath, 
retrieved a cloth from the pocket of her lab coat and took of her 
glasses to clean them. There was still tension from what he now 
knew and he didn't like it, but he couldn't feel anyway to get rid of 
the tension or get around it. Stuck. It might not have even been 
real, he couldn't tell, but he felt it just the same. Like those days 
back in college when Misato would date other guys...That same 
kind of gut-intense, queasy feeling that he hated...

"I'm sorry, Ritsu. It was private-"

"Kaji, dear," she smiled at him, "Don't worry about something you 
can't change. I suppose you were going to find out sooner or later, 
with all that sneaking around you do..."

Kaji smiled in return and tried to look innocent. It didn't much 
work.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"You know exactly what that means," she raised an eyebrow at 
him, "Hey, even after what happened last night, Misato still wants 
to go out again tonight. I don't know if she still does, all things 
considered, but do you wanna come along too?"

What happened last night...

What might have been...He closed his eyes and sighed. He met her 
blue eyes again and nodded slightly.

"I thought as much," she said as she sat back down to her monitor, 
"Meet me back here near seven and we'll go get her."

Ritsu began to type as Kaji backed slowly out of the room. Kaji 
closed his eyes to adjust to the darkness of the hallway again 
before turning away.