- "We take your bags and send them in all directions."
- sign in a Copenhagen airline ticket office
- "It is the greatest of all mistakes to do nothing because you can do
only a little. Do what you can."
- Sydney Smith
- "Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case"
- Newspaper headline
- "Grandmother of Eight Makes Hole in One"
- Newspaper headline
- "The reverse side also has a reverse side."
- Japanese proverb
- "When you breath, you inspire. When you do not breath,
you expire."
- From school test paper
- "Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food,
give it to the guard on duty."
- Sign in a Budapest zoo
- "Come to think of it, there are already a million monkeys
on a million typewriters, and Usenet is NOTHING like Shakespeare."
- Blair Houghton on Internet
- "The first half of our life is ruined by our parents
and the second half by our children."
- Clarence Darrow
- "One of the greatest labor-saving inventions of
today is tomorrow."
- Vincent T. Foss
- "The blood flows down one leg and up the other."
- From school essay
- "If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?"
- Abraham Lincoln
- "There are two motives for reading a book; one, that
you enjoy it; the other, that you can boast about it."
- Bertrand Russell
- "When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become
President; I'm beginning to believe it."
- Clarence Darrow
- "Henry Purcell is a well known composer few people
have ever heard of."
- From school test paper
- "When I take a long time - I am slow.
When my boss takes a long time - he is thorough."
- Unknown
- "The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you
get up in the morning and does not stop until you get to the office."
- Robert Frost
- "I find television very educational. Every time somebody
turns on the set I go into the other room and read a book."
- Groucho Marx
- "Your manuscript is both good and original; but the part that is good
is not original, and the part that is original is not good."
- Samuel Johnson
- "Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced,
you can't be promoted."
- Unknown
- "Traffic Dead Rise Slowly"
- Newspaper headline
- "God heals, and the doctor takes the fee."
- Benjamin Franklin
- "A fool and his money are soon invited everywhere."
- Unknown
- "Ernest Vincent Wright wrote a novel, "Gadsby", which contains
over 50,000 words -- none of them with the letter E."
- From 'Trivia and Useless Information'
- "Suppose you were an idiot and suppose you were a member of
Congress. But I repeat myself."
- Mark Twain
- "Dealers Will Hear Car Talk Friday At Noon"
- Newspaper headline
- "After all is said and done, more is said than done."
- Unknown
- "Committee -- a group of men who individually can do nothing
but as a group decide that nothing can be done."
- Fred Allen
- "Here lies my wife.
Here let her lie!
Now she's at rest.
And so am I."
- On a stone on a grave yard
- "Where's there's smoke, there's dinner."
- Unknown
- "Man does not live by words alone, despite the fact
that sometimes he has to eat them."
- Adlai Stevenson
- "The unfortunate thing about this world is that good
habits are so much easier to give up than bad ones."
- Somerset Maugham
- "The pursuit of happiness is a most ridiculous phrase.
If you pursue happiness you'll never find it."
- C.P. Snow
- "The future's not what it used to be."
- Jesse Berst's Bywords
- "Lady Astor once told Winston Churchill 'if you were my husband, I would
poison your coffee'. His reply 'if you were my wife, I would drink it!'."
- From 'Trivia and useless information'
- "Living with a saint is more grueling than being one."
- Robert Neville
- "The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love our enemies;
probably because they are generally the same people."
- G. K. Chesterton
- "Princess Ann was the only competitor at the 1976 Montreal
Olympics that did not have to undergo a sex test."
- From 'Trivia and Useless Information'
- "Spouse: Someone who stands by you through all the trouble
you wouldn't have had if you had just stayed single."
- Jesse Berst's Bywords
- "We all worry about the population explosion, but
we don't worry about it at the right time."
- Arthur Hoppe
- "An archeologist is the best husband a woman can have;
the older she gets, the more interested he is in her."
- Agatha Christie
- "Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under socialism,
the reverse is true."
- Polish proverb
- "The national flag of Italy was designed by Napoleon
Bonaparte."
- From 'Trivia and Useless Information'
- "Senate Panel to Grill Democratic Chairman"
- Headline in 'Yahoo News'
- "What this country needs is more unemployed politicians."
- Edward Langley
- "Capital punishment is our society's recognition of the
sanctity of human life."
- Orrin Hatch
- "Democracy substitutes election by the incompetent
many for appointment by the corrupt few."
- George Bernard Shaw
- "Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your children."
- Jesse Berst's Bywords
- "Committee -- a group of men who keep minutes and waste
hours."
- Milton Berle
- "Blind Woman Gets New Kidney From Dad She Hasn't Seen in Years"
- Newspaper headline
- "Let us so live that when we come to die even
the undertaker will be sorry."
- Mark Twain
- "A bore is a man who, when you ask him how he is,
tells you."
- Bert Leston Taylor
- "A lecture is an occsion when you numb one end
to benefit the other."
- John Gould
- "A narcissist is someone better looking than you are."
- Gore Vidal
|
- "I am sitting in the smallest room in my house. I have your review
in front of me. Soon it will be behind me."
- Max Reger
- "Illegal Aliens Cut in Half by New Law"
- Newspaper headline
- "Advertising may be described as the science of arresting the
human intelligence long enough to get money from it."
- Stephen Leacock
- "A bore is a fellow talker who can change the subject to his topic of conversation faster than you can change it back to yours."
- Laurence J. Peter
- "Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas."
- Former Australian cabinet minister Keppel Enderbery
- "Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control."
- Bumper sticker
- "Wherever you go, there you are."
- Unknown
- "In the middle of the 18th century, all the morons moved to Utah."
- In a school paper
- "In Vermont, USA, it is illegal for women to wear false teeth
without the written permission of their husbands."
- Trivia and Useless Information: Monthly Top 20, May 1997: American Law.
- "A proverb is a short sentence based on long experience."
- M. de Cervantes
- "In the story of Cinderella, her slippers were originally fur,
but they became glass because of an error in translation."
- From 'Trivia and Useless Information'
- "In Boston, it is illegal to take a bath unless one has been
ordered to by a physician."
- From 'Trivia and Useless Information', May (1997): American Law
- "Watch the little things; a small leak will sink a great ship."
- Benjamin Franklin
- "Ninety-eight percent of the adults in this country are decent,
hard-working, honest Americans. It's the other lousy two percent
that get all the publicity. But then - we elected them."
- Lily Tomlin
- "If the auto industry were like the computer industry a car would
now cost $50, would get 500 mpg, and at a random time would
explode, killing all passengers."
- Unknown
Thanks to Douglas I've got this as it should be:
"If GM had kept up with technology like the computer
industry has, we would all be driving 25 dollar cars that got
1000 miles per gallon."
-- Microsoft's Bill Gates, on General Motors
"Yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day?"
-- Statement released by General Motors in response to Gates' claim
- "It's not hard to meet expenses. They're everywhere."
- Jesse Berst's Bywords
- "What do you get if you soak a 720 kB diskette in hot water?"
"DD Tea, of course."
- Unknown
- "It’s the worst wheel of the wagon that screeches the loudest."
- Spanish proverb
- "History is a set of lies agreed upon."
- Napoleon Bonaparte
- "Compaq is considering changing the command 'Press Any Key' to 'Press Return
Key' because of the flood of calls asking where the 'Any' key is."
- from 'Laff Central'
- "Monaco's national orchestra is bigger than its army."
- from 'Trivia and Useless Information'
- "He can compress the most words into the smallest idea
of any man I ever met."
- Abraham Lincoln
- "Experience is not what happens to a man. It is what a
man does with what happens to him."
- Aldous Huxley
- "Hitler, Nazi Papers Found in Attic."
- Newspaper headline
- "Change your thoughts and you change your world."
- Norman Vincent Peale
- "Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a
tree I don't have."
- Accident report in insurance form
- "A holy life will produce the deepest impression. Lighthouses
blow no horns; they only shine."
- D. L. Moody
- "Every child is an artist. The problem is how to remain an
artist once he grows up."
- Pablo Picasso
- "Is prayer your steering wheel or your spare tire?"
- Corrie Ten Boom
- "If God is your co-pilot, switch seats!"
- Kathy Taylor
- "The "save" icon on Microsoft Word shows a floppy disk
with the shutter on backwards."
- From 'Comedy Center'
- "A blind man's world is bounded by the limits of his touch; an ignorant man's world by the limits of his knowledge; a great man's world by the limits of his vision."
- E. Paul Hovey
- "If you can remember what you worried about last week,
you have a very good memory."
- Unknown
- "I never came upon any of my discoveries
through the process of rational thinking."
- Albert Einstein
- "In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole."
- From accident report
- "This is a great day for France!"
- Richard Nixon, while attending Charles De Gaulle's funeral
- "Bad or missing mouse. Spank the cat? (Y/N)"
- Error message in coming Win2000
- "Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English.
He was rather large."
- From school essay
- "PUDDLE: a small body of water that draws other small
bodies wearing dry shoes into it."
- Unknown
- "You can't do anything about the length of your life,
but you can do something about its width and depth."
- Unknown
- 'A man inserted an ad in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."'
- Unknown
- "If you are what you eat, the Post Office must eat a lot of escargot."
- Unknown
- "My interest is in the future because I am going to spend
the rest of my life there."
- Charles Kettering
- "The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil
is for good men to do nothing."
- Edmund Burke
- "ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends
and is now growing in the middle."
- Unknown
- "Life is easier to take than you'd think. All that is necessary is to accept the impossible, do without the indispensable, and bear the intolerable."
- Kathleen Norris
- "HANDKERCHIEF: Cold storage."
- Unknown
- "Daddy, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until after he marries her."
"That happens in every country, son."
- "Why is it that when you transport something by car
it's called a shipment, but when you transport
something by ship it's called cargo?"
- "The closest to perfection a person ever comes is
when he fills out a job application form."
- Stanley Randall
|
