(7-96) I am familiar with the terms of selflessness, nothingness, void, and emptiness in Buddhism, but it doesn't mean that I know them. Those are abstract terms that I "think" I know, but really don't. Not until I stumbled on the term "I hold", that I think, finally, just may be, I know the meaning of selflessness through an indirect way.

"I hold" is a funny term in Chinese too. I suppose the first person who had to translate the term from its original language was facing a great difficulty that he had to choose such an odd way of describing a term. "I hold" in Chinese also sounded like an unfinished sentence, a broken phrase, but it's been used as a noun. The Buddhist's teaching says you must break "I hold" as the first step to Buddhism. "I hold" how odd, and how beautiful.

All of a sudden, I see. Yes, I hold. Everything I felt, my anger, my pain, my pride, my love, my hate, all because I hold them so. Imagine, holding your anger in your hand, just like the way you hold an apple. If you could do that, you could put it down. One by one, I started to put down all the things that used to trouble me. When I finally put down my intellect, I felt so blissful, I could only laugh, the bellowing kind of laugh, ha ha ha ha ha. How foolish I was to think that I know better than anyone else.

I used to think I am the smartest person in the world until I met my husband. Then I lost my identity, and he didn't even notice it. I argued, I fought, to no avail. I harbored years of anguish that nearly drowned me. I finally made peace with myself by thinking that God is teaching me a lesson of humility. But nothing is as effective as holding it in my hand, and then putting it down. I was so happy, I went to tell him about my wonderful new discovery. He nodded and smiled. I don't know whether he saw what I saw, I don't know whether he saw "I hold". It didn't matter anymore. His pluralistic philosophy no longer rein over me. That can be hold and put down too.

Can't you see I hold? If you can see I hold, then you can also let it go. That is the first step to selflessness.