Well, this story truly starts about 60 years ago, but I'll go back to where it all began.
Creation of Saint Josephine School
In the beginning, there was nothing, but then...There was Ethel. Ethel got along pretty well with the other all mighty deity, until one day, the other all mighty deity wanted to create Earth. Well Ethel had no problem with this, she wanted to help too. So the other all mighty deity let her help. She designed school, fermaldrehyde, medicine, and tornadoes. When the other all mighty deity saw this, Ethel was bannished to Earth. She did get one last wish, so she created Raymond. She lived for thousands of year before Raymond and she decided to create a school. This school prospered for thousands of years, but it kept being blown down by tornadoes. Back in the 500 B.C.'s, means of transportation began to progress. This brought about a popular sport known as "peeling out." It seemed that every five years, a student named Bo would come and peel out in the parking lot. At first, it was with shoes, because the parking lot was used to store shoes. Then, horse. And today, Datsun 280Z's.
Pete's Early Years
Well, about 60 years ago, a man named Pete was born. He was normal in every way, except that he kept digressing. It was a rather embarrasing thing. Then, as he reached teens, he began to notice girls. Anyway, when he was 15, he entered the armed forces and flew airplanes. Only problem, the enemy kept flying up his butt, and he dropped bombs on them. He bombed Africa, North-east Asia, and even the moon. He created a time machine and bombed Hiroshima too. Anyway, he soon grew a mustache, and invented a couple of environmentaly safe motorcycles, which shot potatoes out of the exhaust. He married at age 20, and for a short while, went under the name, "Isaac Assimov." He wrote a couple of novels, and what have you. Well, he discovered that evolution is not a theory, and that they still use the guilotine in France, and things of such nature. His wife bore a son they named "Polly," because he had gills. He was kept in a jar until he was about twenty, then he lost his gills and became a person and so forth. Well, Pete decided to stop writing and become a naturalist. He went to Florida and was bitten by several water moccasains, but later put them in preservatives to use if he ever fulfilled his dream:to become a teacher. Anyway, he soon sold his motorcycles for a Jeep Cherokee. He new this car frequently broke down, but didn't want to be too environmentally freindly. His wife divorced him because he was having an afair with the little girl down the street.
Pete becomes a teacher
He soon left for Montgomery . On the way there, a black mamba sneeked into his vehicle and bit him. He preserved that too. Upon his arival, he was offered a job by the legendary Raymond. He took this job and became a high-school teacher. With his new career, he could watch girls all day, and if their shorts/skirts were shorter than school policy, the more the better. He later made good freinds with a boy named Kenny, a young pervert if you will. Pete and Kenny were the best of freinds, and when Kenny did something, Pete was there to support him. Kenny, like Pete, broke more than his share of computers, and talked about things he had almost no knowledge of, but thought he knew a lot about. Kenny and Pete were also very interested in what have you, although neither had had the experience in about 15 years, both admited it freely to anyone who listened to them. Anyway, soon the government stopped paying Pete to keep the military secrets, so he started telling everything. From the time they dropped an atomic bomb on a crowd of rowdy teenagers, to the time a 100 foot shark was found off the coast of Panama City. He also talked about the new hydrogen bomb factory that has recently established itself in Oak Ridge. Pete never gave up his hobby of preserving things, and often showed his rather disgusting specimens to the class. The high school was filled with some rather interesting faculty members. Among them, Ethel, the living fossil; Karen, the witch who defied the laws of physics; Ralph, who if became principal,"would give cigarrettes out to every young person during home room." Not that the school wasn't filled with smokers already. There was also "Coot", the biggest most boring teacher in the world; "Shaft", the history teacher who sung kareoke at a popular bar; and Elizabeth, the director of many school plays who frequently visted gay bars with her husband, freinds, and other relations, and saw people there who she thought were straight.
<1997-1996>
Well, the 96-97 school year came back around, as did "the Year of the Bo" in which a young man obtained a rather sporty means of transportation, and peeled out in the parking facilities. This year, there were no parking facilities, since the former ones had been destroyed by a tornado said to have been conjured up by Ethel. Thankfully, Bo had not obtained his permit yet, so the church parking lot was spared. Instead, students had to lug their garbage five miles from the church parking lot. The new students were a fine lot, plenty of girls to satisfy Pete. There were a couple who confused him though. Among them were Jon, who often laughed for seemingly no reason what so ever; Trent, who no matter how much trouble he got into, always mannaged to be smarter than the teacher; and Jake, who always kept smiling, and when asked said he was "just a happy guy." A few years back, Pete had invented something called "explorer's club". He told girls that on Explorer's Club trips, they could wear shorts as short as to their liking. He was pleased when many girls signed up for explorer's club, but was curious about why few showed up on his trips. The students had picked up a habbit of calling him "Pete", and on one of the Explorer's Trips, he corrected it by correcting a student named David when he called him Pete. Later in the year, one of Pete's freinds from the war named "Pot Head"(for reasons unknown) visited him, and said "hey Pete!" Pot Head was a left over hippy who had made an aqaintance with Pete when they were bombing the Laotians for not supplying the government with the years shipment of opium. Pete was glad to see Pot Head, and went back and smoked a few joints with him. Pete loved to show the class videos, and often timed the exact amount of time they lasted, so he could show off his knowledge to the students when he told them he had a twenty two minute and seven second video. Well, soon, he left for the military again, and this time he went to Lithuania, a little known country this side of what-have-you. Anyway, he decided to fly a mission drunk. "What fun this will be!" He said. Anyway, he got plastered and vomited all over the plane. He passed out at the controls, and would have died if not for one of the bombs in the back waking him up. It tapped his chair when the plane started doing a nose dive. He woke up, pulled the plane back up to a safe altitude and saved millions of lives. Anyway, the next day his mission was to bomb the people he had just saved the lives of. Well, at about this time, Bob Dole came around to Pete's house. Well, you can bet Bob Dole didn't like what Bob Dole saw. Bob Dole saw that vandalists had come to Pete's house, and spray painted all over his evironmentaly freindly gass guzzler Jeep Cherokee. Well, Bob Dole called Pete right up and told him to get his butt back home, so he could pay homage to Bill Clinton. It was later revealed that Pete's orange haired freind "Pot Head" was acctually Bill Clinton in disguise. Well, Pete decided to fly one more mission for old-times sake. This time, he bombed people just for fun. He bombed Iraq, England, France, Japan, and on the way home, bombed a little city called "Notasulga" that was located in Alabama. He was placed under house arrest by a man named Pugo. Well, Pete got away, and Pugo commited suicide.The Death of Ralph, Ralph, Ralph, and Ralphs
When Pete finally got back(this happened over Christmas vacation) he saw that some one had put a battery in his fish tank to kill his fish. What a tradgedy! Those fish, both named Ralph, as well as the craw fish Ralph, died during surgery. He used all of the Ralphs as later "surprises" for disection later in the year. Well when dissection time did come along, the students who got the suprise fish died when they cut them open, because the battery acid sprayed in their face. Their death was explained to their parents as "their own fault", and the acid found during autopsy was said to be the result of them sucking on too many batteries. Well, the school started running out of money because Ray had bought a new Rolls Royce. The new building they were building was getting short on funds, so they had to bypass the sinks, because they were "passing trends." Also, the stalls for the toilets had to be left out, but there were still holes cut in the floor for the purpose. The new art room being built on the second floor had no stairways, so Coot had to sell her body fat as popcorn butter to make up for it. Thankfully the glass domes over the buildings were not left out, because the pennies from the "pennies for the past" campaign paid for them, though they couldn't have the little gold balls above them. Pete managed to save the day with his bottle recycling bin. You put the bottle in, and the machine crushed the bottle. Unfortuanately, students put in full bottles, and they exploded, making quite a mess. Well, the snack machines were paid off with the money from this, as well as the new milk machine with lactose intolerant supply. The school was now a few million dollars in debt, and a few students got kicked out from trying to be helpful. The parking lot was still a mess, as any car with under a 10' suspension bottomed out on the way in. Some students did not have cars, so they had to hitch rides. Some students were too stup... err... umm... Uncoordin..... uhhh,,, not smart enou.... untaught how to drive, and always ended up getting in wrecks in which one if not both of their bumpers was torn off. This happened quite often, because some of the idio... Untaught drivers were too stu... untaught to learn how to park, use a turn signal, and check behind them when they backed up or changed lanes. One boy who was a very good driver did not get to drive his 1986 Dodge Ram pick-up, because his parents were too stu... ignoran.... unintellig... not taught to know that he would not get into a wreck, just because he drove the speed limit (as opposed to 5 miles under), used his turn signal, and always checked behind him. This boy was very angry at his parents. Pete saw a solution to this. He stole his truck, and recycled the parts for a new waste machine for the school. A rather large delivery truck had earlier knocked over an awning at the other campus of the school, and crushed a half dozen cars, including a 1969 antique truck with 30,000 miles on it. The idio... umm... unlearned person driving the truck was none other than Bill.1997-1998
A tragic accident happened over the summer of 97. Pete accidentally killed one of the students in a freak accident involving drinking a gallon of Draino for medical purposes. He was about to be fired, but as all people about to be fired, he quit the school, and went on to a much better place. It was rather tempting to go back to the armed forces, but he decided not, because he had forgotten his training. Well, as it turned out, there happened to be a need for ghost hunters in the north of the state, so he moved northward. Pete happened to be an expert ghost hunter, and because of his experience in 'Nam, he could also communicate with the ghosts.You see, him and the boys were out one night celebrating at the local Vietnamese Olive Garden, and they all got drunk off of the special olive wine. Since Pete wasn't quite as drunk as the rest of the boys (Stinky, Frankenstien, and Tenchi), he was the designated driver. His judgement was still a bit off, and he mistook a cliff for a girl's college. His Volvo flew over the edge, claiming the lives of all of them except Pete. The strangest thing was that on each of their foreheads, the numbers 13, 14, and 15 were carved. This was way too spooky for Pete, and he got thrown in jail for suspected murder. We all know Pete didn't do it, but afterwards, Pete started seeing people that weren't really there, or ghosts if you will. He could talk to dead people, eat with dead people, and yes, even umm... never mind.
After he served his jail sentance, he was immediately shipped back to Vietnam, since the war had been extended, just so he wouldn't miss anything while he was gone. Excuse me... I'm digressing.
The first day on his new job, he recieved a phone call from a young lady named Ryoko. "Moshi moshi?" he said. She reported strange happenings in her house, including demonic toilet seats, and things of such nature. Well, he didn't waste any time, and got over there as quickly as he could. He recognised Ryoko as a student he had the previous year. "Did you get your grades up?" he asked.
"No, I'm afraid not," she said taking this as a joke.
"THIS IS NO JOKE YOUNG LADY! THIS MAY BE THE REASON THAT THIS GHOST IS HERE! NOW YOU MUST BE SPANKED TO REMOVE THE GHOST FROM THE HOUSE!!!!"
Well, Ryoko would not stand for this, and yelled at him. "NO!! You pervert!!!!!" Pete then told her he'd do her house for half-price if she didn't report him. She agreed, so he got his assistants, Larry and Shemp to come help him. They vanquished the evil ghosts, and moved on.
Well, the next day was a new day, and Pete got another call. This time, it was from a man in Seatle, Washington. So, Pete packed up and went on a road trip in his environmentally freindly Jeep Cherokee that ran off of potatoes and warp fluid. When they got there, Pete was astonished by the mess outside of the man's house. Most of all, that there was a chicken box on the ground!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Pete knocked on the man's door. "Excuse me sir!" said Pete, "if I had a house as nice as yours, I wouldn't trash it! I refuse to rid your house of ghosts!"
Well, the man begged Pete to please exterminate the ghosts, so he decided to stay the night in the Holiday Inn accross town to think about it. He remembered the state of his old school and started to feel sorry for the man. Pete returned the next day and asked his name. "Why my name is John B___," He replied.
That name caused Pete to have a flashback... John B___ he thought, now where have I heard that name? Pete realized that John B___ was the principal of the school he had previously worked at. Pete also remembered that he had almost been fired from the school. "Why should I help you?!" Pete yelled. You almost fired me from the best job I have ever had!!!"
Mr. B___ stared at Pete a second, and shortly after broke down to tears. "I'm sorry Pete! It wasn't my fault! It was that blasted Raymond! He drove me to it. He said that if I didn't fire you, I'd be fired myself!"
Pete looked at John. "Why are you here then?"
"Raymond found out that I was the one who pulled the fire alarm last year. In a fit of rage he banished me from Alabama."
Pete realized what had to be done. He had to obtain justice... He was Pete S_____ after all, the best biology teacher in the world, wasn't he? "John B___! Are you going to sit there crying or are you going to come help me help you regain control of the school?!"
John stood up and cleared his eyes. "I will join your team of justice! We will triumph over evil, no matter what! But first thing's first..."
"What's that?" asked Pete.
"Could you please exterminate the ghosts before we go? I could get a bundle for this house if it weren't so haunted..."
"Of course! The money will help us build up a team worthy of regaining control of the school!"
And so the legend began... Will Pete successfully exterminate the ghosts? How will the duo build up a team? Where is John's wife? Find out next week on Pete's Story of Digression!
This page last digressed on 11/22/97