ARIES
Whilst sitting in your lounge this month, your attention is caught by a sudden movement
at the window. Rushing up to investigate, you discover that it is the strange old man
from number 29, dressed as a big grey rabbit, and jumping up and down your front garden
on a pogo stick.
"Happy Easter, young chipper!" he yells, before pelting you mercilessly with rotten
eggs. As you take cover behind your curtains, you catch one final glimpse of him pogoing
off down the street, singing rousing German drinking songs to himself whilst attempting to
throw eggs in your neighbours' letterboxes.
Your lucky number is 1, and your lucky colour this month is grey.
TAURUS
Whilst out tickling trout this month you happen to bump into top music star Harry Connick
Jr. The suave and charming songster sweeps you off your feet by crooning old style love
songs at you until you pass out due to sheer excitement.
When you wake up you find to your dismay that Harry has sold you to the circus, where
it appears your days are to be spent as a knife-thrower's assistant. With the words to
"It Had To Be You" still echoing in your ears, you vow never again to trust Frank Sinatra
copyist artistes and begin to plot your escape.
Your lucky breed of dog for the month is the husky and your lucky
pattern is check.
GEMINI
After getting the movie "Babe" out on video this month, you attempt to teach your pet hamster Timothy
how to round up sheep. After a few frustrating days persuading him to come out of his
cage, you eventually get Timothy out into the local farm's field, placing him on the ground in
front of half a dozen sheep. Standing a few feet behind him, your labours come to naught as your
shouts of "come by" and "away, lad" merely cause the confused rodent to run around the field
inside a clear plastic ball, and stuff his cheeks full of sunflower seeds respectively.
Your lucky object of the month is a small orange policeman.
CANCER
Eureka! This month you emerge from your garden shed clutching your latest - and surely your
best - invention. Whereas other people are coming up with more and more varieties of alcoholic soft
drinks, you have tapped into a hole in the market with your range of alcoholic vegetables.
Coming in several varieties, the most successful proves to be the AlcoPea, the most
potent and exclusive of the lot. However, when a lucrative and unsavoury black market springs up around
your product - with large quantities of AlcoPeas changing hands for huge amounts of money - the government
force you to close down, putting an end to your greengrocer-cum-brewery shenanigans.
Your lucky shade of blue this month is lilac.
LEO
Determined once and for all to get your place in the record books, this month you spend
six days in a row continously hopping on one leg whilst whistling Elvis Presley songs.
After seeking confirmation from the officials that you have indeed set the record for
this feat, you are yet again disappointed when they point out that your chosen field of
expertise is in fact far too stupid to be included.
Better luck next month.
Your lucky member of the Waltons is Jim-Bob.
VIRGO
Yet again, nothing interesting will happen to you at all this month.
You really should get out more.
LIBRA
Do blondes have more fun?? That's the question you ask yourself this month just before you
immerse your entire body in a vat full of industrial-strength bleach.
No, they do not. That's your answer, 10 seconds later.
Your lucky number of the month is somewhere between 1 and 6,291.
SCORPIO
After watching summer blockbuster "Men In Black" this month, you decide to set up your own
covert agency with your brother-in-law Steve. After searching through your wardrobes for several
days, eventually the Men In Beige emerge blinking into the sunlight. Their mission is to
travel the country righting wrongs and giving radical interior design and fashion tips.
Things go well until Steve takes it upon himself to spend all your reward money on
sweets, his resultant astronomical sugar intake causing him to cartwheel down the outside
lane of the motorway screaming "I am the god of hellfire and I bring you spinach!".
The aubergine is your lucky vegetable of the month.
SAGGITARIUS
You have a very strange dream this month in which you find yourself suspended above a pit
filled with spicy salsa sauce whilst David Hasselhoff from Baywatch slowly lowers you
downwards. Just as you fear you are going to be immersed in the savoury foodstuff,
Oprah Winfrey appears in a F-29 jump jet, knocks David unconscious with a large rubber
chicken and whisks you off to safety, where she treats you to her rendition of "Heartbreak
Hotel" on the banjo.
When you wake up, the pillow will be gone.
Your lucky number this month is very likely to be 7.
CAPRICORN
Time for a new hobby. You have long wanted to be able to juggle, so this month you devote
your time to learning this dextrous purusit. Mid-way through the month, you have not yet mastered the
art of throwing a bean bag into the air then catching it. Sensing your fingers are perhaps not nimble enough
to master the juggler's art, you thus throw yourself into your new job as a brain surgeon at the local
hospital.
Your lucky method of transport for the month is the Sherman tank.
AQUARIUS
Once again, in a long and rather contrived experiment, you try to prove an old adage correct this
month when you borrow your neighbour's cat Splodges and observe the antics of several mice; both
when Splodges is in the room, and when Splodges is without.Despite the fact that you provide the
rodents with a complete range of tiny sports equipment, they steadfastly ignore it when Splodges is
absent, if anything appearing more excited and lively when he is in the room. Shaking your head wisely,
you cross "When the cat's away the mice will play" off your hand-written and depressingly long list.
Beware of toothpaste this month.
PISCES
Past-it blond Cockney star of yesteryear Adam Faith continues to plague your life this
month by ordering useless and unwanted items and getting them delivered to your front door.
The pizzas and the taxis you can just about handle, but when Adam sends an entire herd
of African elephants to your door you begin to despair for your sanity.
Somehow, you sense your troubles are only just beginning.
Your lucky number of the month is somewhere between 12 and 2,244.
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