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I knew it!!

> Subject: How the Grinch Stole the Election
>
> How the Grinch Stole Election Day
>
> By Frank Cammuso and Hart Seely
>
>
> Every Chad
> Down in Chad-ville
> Liked voting a lot ...
> But the Grinch,
> Who lived just north of Chad-ville
> Did NOT!
>
> The Grinch hated voting! He thought it a bore.
> Now, please don't ask why. Could be Bush, could be Gore.
> It could be his heart bled with liberal mush.
> It could be, perhaps, that he listened to Rush.
> But I think the real reason his trust was so shattered
> Was the great Grinchy view that his vote never mattered.
>
> BUT
> Whatever the reason,
> Lack of trust, lack of goals,
> The Grinch dreaded that day when Chads went to the polls.
> He just hated those speeches and negative ads,
> And when push came to shove, he just hated the Chads.
> He just hated their theme parks, their football-team rooters,
> He just hated their gun laws, their barmaids at Hooters.
> He just hated their weather, even hated their hate.
> And he hated that they were a battleground state.
>
> "So they're making their choices," he snarled with a sneer.
> "This 'Decision Two Thousand' is practically here!
> "They'll struggle to choose 'tween a crumb and a bum,
> " 'Cause a voter's a voter, no matter how dumb."
> Then he growled, his Grinch fingers nervously drumming,
> "I MUST find a way to keep outcomes from coming!"
>
> For tomorrow, he knew ...
> All the flag-waving souls,
> Would again waste their efforts on Clintons or Doles.
> And by then, oh, the polls! Oh, the polls! Polls! Polls! Polls!
> That's the one thing he hated! The POLLS! POLLS! POLLS! POLLS!
>
> So the Chads, rich and poor, and by bus, car, or boat,
> They would vote! And they'd vote!
> And they'd VOTE! VOTE! VOTE! VOTE!
> They would vote to ban smoking or clearing your throat.
> They would even vote laws in for curbing your goat.
>
> And THEN ...
> They'd sing that anthem. It always came later.
> Be they Bush-ites or Gore-ites or ites of Ralph Nader.
> They'd stand close together, and though still full of fight,
> They'd stand and they'd sing, by that dawn's early light.
>
> And the more the Grinch thought of Election Day's ring,
> The more the Grinch thought, "I must stop this whole thing!
> "Why, for two hundred years I've put up with it now!
> "I MUST stop these outcomes from coming!
> "... But HOW?"
>
> Then he got an idea!
> Yes, a legal idea!
> THE GRINCH
> GOT AN AWFUL BUT LEGAL IDEA!
>
> "I know just what to do!" The Grinch laughed with a jig.
> And he wove from his goat a Sam Donaldson wig.
> And into the mirror he spoke with grand rancor,
> "With this helmet of hair, they'll all think I'm an anchor!"
>
> "All I need are some ballots ..."
> The Grinch looked around.
> But since ballots were private, there were none to be found.
> So he made his own ballot, printing letters quite little,
> And he scattered the names, running holes down the middle,
> And he stuck it together with Chad-berry spittle.
> And he said, "They'll need Einstein to figure this riddle!"
>
>
> THEN
> He loaded his boxes, and without looking nervous
> Put a sign on his van that said "Voter News Service."
> THEN
> The Grinch pulled away in his van with a screech
> Toward the pads of the Chads in a place called "Palm Beach."
>
> When he came to the first polling place in the square,
> All the lines were quite long. Thoughtful talk filled the air,
> As the Chads chatted merits of managed health care.
> "Vote early and often," the Grinch said with a grin.
> And he marched to the front of the line and stepped in.
>
> There he left all his ballots, the strange ones with punches,
> And instructions that said, "Please punch punches in bunches."
> As he slunk out the door toward the nearest Grand Hyatt,
> He could hear what you'd think was an Elián riot.
> The Cohens-sisters Esther, Mitzi, and Shannon,
> Just realized that their votes had all gone to Buchanan!
>
> At a place in Dade County near a middle-school yard,
> The Grinch donned a shirt that said, "Polling Place Guard."
> And he eyeballed each Chad and said, "Where is your card?
> "Voter card? Motor card? Credit card? Diner's?
> "Face card? Race card? Baseball card? Shriners?"
> And he turned them away. Then the Grinch, like a fox,
> Stuffed all of his ballots and locked the lockbox!
>
> Then old Grinch returned home to go "LIVE" on TV.
> He had waited quite late: (It was now eight oh three.)
> So the Grinch Network News first projected a score:
> "Now with one percent in, we pick Chad-ville for GORE."
> Every Gore-ite in Chad-ville said, "GIVE US SOME MORE!"
>
> So he pulled more projections straight out of his stack.
> Then, "Oh, dear!" said the Grinch, "I must take it all back!"
> So the Grinch Network News, in grand fairness to all
> Now reported that Chad-ville was "TOO CLOSE TO CALL."
>
> "Don't be mad, all you Chads, for this isn't a scandal,
> "It was just," the Grinch said, "we forgot the Panhandle.
> "The science of sampling can leave one out-simpled."
> So the Chads were left hanging and pregnant and dimpled.
> And the stress of it all put George Bush among the pimpled!
>
> Then the Grinch raised a finger for the night's final push.
> "Election Day's done, and the winner is BUSH."
> After all, George was leading at least by a dozen.
> (And whenever it's close, always go with your cousin.)
> "Play the music, the songs, pop the corks, sing the praises,
> " 'Cause with Bush as the winner, you're all getting raises!"
> And then the Grinch yawned, "This election stuff's hokey,
> Good-bye 'till next year! And now back to you, Cokie."
>
> And the Grinch, he went back to his old Grinchy pad.
> But en route, he was nabbed by a little Chad lad
> Who had stayed up all night (quite ignoring his dad).
> He stared at the Grinch and said, "Sir, who's our leader?
> "Is it Bush? Is it Gore? Or, my choice, Derek Jeter?"
> And the Grinch simply smiled: This day couldn't be sweeter.
>
> They were finding out now that no outcome was coming!
> They were seeing it now, all their dumbness and dumbing.
> "They're just waking up!" he said. "Here's what they'll do!
> "Their mouths will hang open a minute or two
> "And the Chads down in Chad-ville will all cry, 'WE'LL SUE!' "
>
> As he stared down at Chad-ville, the Grinch popped his eyes,
> But the scene that he saw brought a shocking surprise.
> All the Chads down in Chad-ville, Chad lads and Chad dads,
> They were counting the votes, they were counting the chads!
> He hadn't stopped an outcome from coming.
> IT CAME!
> SOMEHOW OR ANOTHER, IT CAME JUST THE SAME!
>
> As the Grinch with his head buried deep in the sand
> Sat puzzling and puzzling, "They will count them by hand?"
> Yes, it came with the lawsuits, it came with the lawyers,
> It came with Tim Russert, it came with Bill Moyers.
> When the ballots were plucked and the counting was done
> The last margin of victory turned out to be ... ONE!
> And if the Grinch had just voted,
> ... HIS GUY WOULD HAVE WON!
> And what happened then ...
> Well ...
> In Chad-ville they say
> That the Grinch's small district
> Grew three sizes that day.
>
> 'Cause the minute his mood had come out of its slump,
> The Grinch said, "Hmm! I could be running this dump!"
> So he formed a committee to do all the work
> And he ...
> HE HIMSELF!
> The Grinch ran for town clerk!
>
>
>
> -----------------------------
> Kenneth R. Mayer
> Professor
> Department of Political Science
> Director, Data and Computation Center
> University of Wisconsin-Madison
> 110 North Hall / 1050 Bascom Mall
> Madison, WI 53706
> (608)263-2286, (608)265-2663 fax
> -----------------------------