I repressed my memories of incest and physical abuse from my father, but
the emotional abuse he perpetrated never left my memory nor did certain
scenarios, scenarios I never could make any sense out of, but they were
etched on my mind and never forgotten. At age 47 memories regarding the
sexual abuse began to flood my consciousness in the way of flashbacks and
very disturbing nightmares. I always wondered why my relationship with my
father had been so stormy, but never could I imagine him sexually abused
me. After 6months of bad dreams and flashbacks I went to my family doctor
who sat with me for 3 hours discussing all that was going on. He asked me
if I remembered being sexually abused and I replied I did not, but stated
it would seem to answer my relationship with my father. I said to my
doctor, "Do you feel I was sexually abused?" His reply was, "I'd bet the
farm on it!" In 1988 I was diagnosed with Epstein-Barr and my doctor said,
"Now I can see why that surfaced." My doctor advised more memories were
going to come and I needed to prepare myself and advised I seek a good
therapist. I checked into a hospital in CA that dealt with sexual abuse
and eating disorders for 30 days. While observing an anger session in
group therapy one day, one of my hidden memories began to emerge as one of
the other girls was doing her anger work with a bataka. I became very
shaken. As she hit the leather chair with this bataka she was screaming
for her perpetrator to leave her alone. The sound of the strap hitting the
leather chair brought forth a horrible beating my father had given me one
day when I was about 12 years old. I could hardly wait to speak to my
sister because I remembered trying to roll off my bed to get away from him
beating me. As I hit the floor my father began kicking me. I remembered
my mother standing there crying for him to stop, that he was going to kill
me. He didn't stop and later in life when I had x-rays my doctor asked me
how I had broken my ribs. Since all my sisters and brothers were standing
by mom watching him kick me I called 1 sister and 2 of my brothers. I am
the oldest of 7 children. Each of them lives in a different state, and
each of them repeated verbatim that particular beating. After that anger
session I wanted to participate in a hypnosis session, just to see if I
could go back and see what happened during this particular time when I was
3 years old. I have always felt my father did something to me when I was
three. I just could not remember what. I wanted to focus on one
particular afternoon as I remembered an argument that was always very
vivid in memory, my mother hysterical pleading with him, "Leo, please!
She's so little! Don't do this to her!" He scowled at her and replied,
"If you're not gonna do it, she is! This is my right as a man!" He took
me down stairs to the cellar, but I could never remember for what after I
reached the bottom cellar step. All I knew was something bad had happened.
During hypnosis I was able to leave the bottom step of those stairs and
walk over to my father's workbench (he was a carpenter) where he would show
me pornography. One was of a woman performing oral sex on a man. He said,
"This is what I want you to do to me." I pleaded with him, "Make mommy do
it!" He told me she did, but he wanted me to do it too. My mother stood
at the top of the stairs crying, still pleading with him. There were many
other sessions of this scenario that took place. I remembered a bloody
night gown I tried to conceal so my mother wouldn't find it. I always
remembered putting this little white flannel nightgown inside my pillow
case, never remembering why it was bloody. As an adult I could not look or
touch a white flannel nightie. As an adult I cannot brush my teeth in a
bathroom sink. To this day I brush my teeth in the bath while I'm
showering because I gag so badly. I finished my 30 days at the hospital
and came home.
During the time I spent there my physical abuse came to be realized. After
coming home I was speaking with my oldest sister. She had not wanted to
talk about sexual abuse while I was in the hospital because she felt I was
dealing with so much already, but confided in me that she knew about my
abuse and that she too had been violated. She further confided our father
had sexually abused our other 2 sisters as well. They never forgot their
abuse, I never remembered mine. I decided to call my one aunt who was very
close to my mom. She stated my mother had spoken to her about what my
father had done to me and the reason we never got along. I guess my mother
tried to help in some way, but I look back and ask why didn't she leave
him. How could my own mother stand at the top of a flight of stairs
knowing what her husband was forcing a 3 year old child to do? She never
attempted to intrude, never attempt to save her own daughter. I found a
wonderful therapist and stayed with her for 2 1/2 years. About a year into
therapy I knew I couldn't allow this piece of garbage to control me any
longer. I needed to take back my life so I enrolled in college, scared and
feeling alone. Was I smart enough? I'd always been told by my father I'd
be lucky if anybody married me because I was stupid. Constant
reinforcement like that stays with you. Socialization never really took
place due to constant isolation and constant moving by my father.
Perpetrators, I learned, do that to keep their secret safe. Would I get
along with other people? I was scared, but I enrolled. I took 6 courses
which consumed me, but I ate it up! I was extremely shy, easily
embarrassed. My face would turn red as a beet if the professor asked me a
question. Even though I knew the answer it left my head being singled out
in class. I decided to tell my professors my background very briefly and
it was the best thing I could have done. They allowed me to be a part of
the group when I felt comfortable enough to speak, or blurt out an answer.
Friends and instructors advised I take a "Speech" class to help my shyness
and come out of my shell. I took "Speech", then I enrolled in an "Acting"
class. I graduated June 3, 1995 as a member of Phi Theta Kappa AND was
graduation speaker! I cannot tell you what that day meant to me! I didn't
care who came to see me graduate, friends and family were inviting
themselves. That moment was a culmination of everything I'd been, added to
what I would be! I transferred to a 4 year college to do my undergraduate
studies. This December, 1997 I will graduate with a B.A. in Psychology,
with a minor in Political Science, making the Dean's List for honors, am a
member of our Psi Chi Club, Judicial Board member and President of our
Student Assistance Program. I am now 53 years old. Next September I will
be attending Law School. I'm not bragging although I should be. What I
want to do is make someone else know they are not alone and they can go on
to achieve. We are someone, we are special and there are so many
opportunities for us. Don't let them slide by. Don't be a victim! Be a
survivor!
