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BACKGROUND MUSIC NOT YOUR SCENE?
YOU HAVE MY PERMISSION TO TURN IT OFF RIGHT HERE!

You know that irritating and insulting old saw ahout a man looking at his potential wife's mother to see what he will be married to in 20 years' time? It makes me totally furious - because it's true and I see the evidence every time I look in the mirror. Before my eyes, I am turning into my mother That is not necessarily a bad thing, as I like her and everything It's just a bit weird. Here is the evidence:

• I get my hair done once a week.

• I swim with my neck stretched out above the water like the Loch Ness monster to protect said hair.

• Flowery swimming caps are starting to look like a good idea.

• I apply overpriced moisturising potions to my face and neck using upwards patting motions.

• Eye cream.

• Neck cream.

• I have been heard to say: "Val/Sheila/Victorial/Jo [insert name] swears by this new range of products" while shelling out for same.

• I've had some of my lipsticks for more than 10 years.

• I have humpy dents on my shoulders from bra straps.

• I can't bear anything tight around my waist.

• I hate wearing pantihose.

• I have been known to slip away during dinner in a restaurant and reappear minus pantihose.

• I've wriggled out of them in the car a few times, too.

• I don't have manicures.

• I sometimes hold my skin taut around my eyes and temples to see what I would look like if I had a facelift.

• I sometimes joke bitterly about having plastic surgery.

• I'd never actually have it.

• I don't exercise enough.

• I think dancing at parties is exercise.

• I sometimes ask my partner this question: "Am I as fat as that woman over there in the blue shirt?" when I secretly know she is 10 times my size.

• I have shoe trees in all my shoes.

• I air out, rather than dry clean, whenever possible.

• I'm never far from my clothes brush.

• I sometimes buy clothes I am going to slim into.

• I keep clothes that I am going to slim back into.

• I polish my handbags and keep them in dust bags.

• I have a suede brush.

• I own underpants with an elastic panel across the stomach, bought for special occasions.

• I'm very fond of a silk scarf to lift an outfit.

• See also: shawls, various.

• I wear leather slippers at home.

• I fancy myself in a hat.

• I despise belts.

• I seek out socks that don't grip your calves like toumiquets and cherish them. Some of my best wool socks have been with me for more than 10 years.

• I have far too many clothes, stashed in cupboards, trunks, drawers and wardrobes all over the house.

• I find it very hard to farewell an outfit that has done me proud, because you never know.

• I'm very keen on a good coat.

• I have been disappointed with the dressmaker experience.

• I'm mad for an elasticised waist.

• I once owned a home exercise bike.

• l can't bear anything itchy next to my skin.

• It has to be cashmere, really.

So, there's no question that the theory works for us gals, but I wonder if it follows for men as well. My partner's father is a very fit and handsome 76-year-old, but he plays the accordion. Do you think I should be worried?

Maggie Alderson was writing for The Age Good Weekend , Saturday, January 6th., ., 2001.

Want to see last weeks's `Generation Gap'?

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