On December 26, 1997, I had my first Christmas with my birthfamily since 1972. Since I was in utero at the time, it was much easier for me to remember the events of this year's gathering. I arrived in Columbus, my hometown and theirs, on Saturday, December 20th. I spent the first part of the week with my family, that is, my adoptive family. Sunday night, I managed to sneak away to drive by my birth grandparent's house. I thought I knew where it was, but I didn't so I had to stop and get a map. At the gas station, I became so nervous that I had to also stop in the bathroom. Why was I so scared to drive by their house? It may have been a buildup from all the years of wondering about them and the months of preparation that had gone into planning our reunion. As I drove by, I knew that in a few short days, I would be pulling up in front to meet my birthmother. I drove by once, then as I turned to go back to my parents house, I felt the urge to go by there again. So I did.
Their house didn't look too different from the house I grew up in. It was white, with trees and a backyard. I wondered what my life would have been like if I'd grown up going to this house to visit these grandparents I'd never known. But that wasn't my life, I'd grown up in a different house, with a different family. I was so grateful that I was going to have the chance to walk into this other house and be a part of their lives.
Monday night, I bowed to pressure from my parents about the exact time of the reunion and called Kathy. We decided on 10 am (actually I decided and she said it was okay) but didn't talk much. At this point, I was trying to remain calm about our upcoming meeting.
Thursday brought a wonderful Christmas with my family. My mom outdid herself as always. My presents included everything on my list and more, but I had a hard time concentrating. My mind was on the next day. I couldn't wait to meet Kathy and everyone else, to find out more about where I come from, and gain a sense of who I might become.
Friday came quickly enough. I woke before my alarm, took a shower and donned the outfit Andrea had so patiently helped me select the night before. I put all the presents I had to give Kathy, her parents and her two sons, (my brothers!) into a shopping bag. I had tried to anticipate every detail, from my outfit to my shoes to how I would carry the gifts. It was a hard choice between a shopping bag and my messenger bag, but I was informed that the shopping bag looks better so I took that. By the time I loaded the bag with toys for the boys, chocolate for my grandparents, gifts and the album I'd made for Kathy, it was full.
I was prepared for the drive (all of 15 minutes) to their house since I'd been there before. I pulled up in front of the house promptly at 10 am. I half expected the door to open as soon as I pulled up, but before I'd made it up the driveway, Kathy was in the doorway, ushering me in. She looked slightly different than I'd expected, so I must have had some puzzled look on my face. She said 'Kathy' and before I had a chance to respond, there I was, holding and being held by my birthmother for the first time in almost 25 years. She said 'You're shaking just like I am.' Yes I was. I was nervous, happy and ecstatic to be standing in my grandparents house, getting a hug from my mother. Not an unheard of event, but in my life, it is something I won't forget. She pulled back and looked at me- hard. It felt kind of like a Klingon mind-meld, like she was trying to study every part of me so it would be forever in her memory.
We went down to the basement, our pre-arranged spot. Right away she took off her shoes and sat the same way I always do. I was so fascinated to see someone else doing things that I've always done. I started to show her the album I'd made of my life. My parents had FedEx'ed a lot of baby pictures to me for this purpose. I had made color copies of them at Kinko's when I realized that getting actual photos made would be very costly. The color copies looked so real that Kathy didn't know until I told her.
When I pulled out the album I'd made, she said 'Wait, let's go back farther than that.' and got out an album with pictures I'd never seen. In some, I'm 2 days old, and Kathy was having her 30 minute visit with me before she went back to her life. In the others, I was roughly 2 weeks old, in a foster home while I was waiting for Kathy to sign the papers that would send me on to my adoptive family. She talked while I stared at those pictures. I knew I should be paying attention to what she was saying, but I couldn't help staring at my own face, so small and so young. I'd never seen anything like them, having arrived at my adoptive family's house when I was 3.5 weeks old. I had always assumed that there was no record of those 3 weeks, it was so wonderful to see that there was. Kathy told me I could have some of the pictures, since she knew I was okay now. Instead, I took the negatives so I could have my own set. I'm crying in most of those photos, she said I would have been much happier just sleeping, but she had to talk to me and make sure I was okay before she let me go. She also mentioned that she got to change my diaper, something she's never forgotten. I said I was glad I could do that for her.
She showed me pictures of my birthfather, Jerry, from the high school yearbook. I didn't see a lot of similarities except the way my hair is so thick and always seems to fall into my eyes no matter what I do. I've had his address for a while, but I'm still not sure when I'll make contact with him. Right now, my relationship with Kathy and her family is more than I'd ever hoped for, I want to concentrate on the love I've found there. When I began my search, I only hoped to do one thing, to find my birthmother and thank her for giving me up. I trusted that she knew what she was doing, that she wasn't able to be the kind of parent that I needed, and I wanted to let her know that I'd turned out okay. Since I found her in September, it's been far more than I'd ever dared to hope for. I've found another group of people who are happy to hear from me and eager to include me in their lives. In some ways it's like having in-laws, at least as far as learning who everyone is and how they relate to me.
But I digress. Kathy and I went through our albums, gaining some sense of who I'd become since she last saw me. She asked me if I had any questions, and like I always do in job interviews, I pretty much said no. For some reason I asked about hemmoroids, I have no idea why that was important to know. But she answered honestly. She presented me with a gold shamrock necklace, similar to the one she wears every year on my birthday, which is St. Patrick's Day. I wear it all the time now as a tangible reminder of our meeting. I gave her my two favorite books, Operating Instructions by Anne Lamott, and Long Quiet Highway by Natalie Goldberg (in case you were wondering) and a candle. After 3 hours, we went upstairs to meet everyone else. Everyone else included her parents, Tom and Theresa, her husband Paul and her sons, Andy and Robin.
The first person I met was Theresa, my grandmother. She was standing at the top of the stairs waiting for me. She hugged me right away while she cried. She told me how wonderful my parents were, and how wonderful Kathy is. She was so glad to see that I'm okay. She said that they've thought about me at every Christmas and birthday, wondering where I was and how I was doing. It was so great to be standing there in the kitchen, getting a hug from my grandmother.
After that, I met Kathy's husband Paul, who was far more gregarious than I'd been prepared for. He grabbed me in a big bear hug, and I could hear him start to cry. Paul was the leading supplier of tears for the day. He told me how great it was to meet me and how wonderful Kathy was. It felt like I was on a job interview at a struggling company (like Oracle, who spent more time telling me how great the company was than what they wanted me to do there.) But mostly, he made me feel welcome, like I was already part of the family. That meant a great deal to me since I was kinda nervous about where I would fit in.
I wandered out to the living room to meet Kathy's father, Tom and the boys. The boys were particularly engrossed in their new Nintendo 64 so I didn't get much of a response from them. The first thing I noticed about Tom, my grandfather, was his infectious smile. I couldn't help but grin when I saw him. He hugged me and told me that I was a little squirt when he last saw me.
We all went into the kitchen and Paul decided to start the photo shoot. I knew I'd found the right people when I saw Tom sticking his tongue out for the camera. I thought that Andrea's digital camera would be the most technologically advanced product there, but no, Paul outdid me with their new digital camcorder. It was neat to learn that Tom had worked on the Univac 1 when computers were new. He worked in computers for his entire career, but wasn't a programmer. So far, that sounds a lot like me.
We gathered around the kitchen table and mostly listened while Paul told us the dirt on Kathy. It was more like a ballad, as he told me how kind and wonderful she is. I knew this already since I've always known that she was generous in not only giving me life, but the chance at a wonderful life so many years ago. It was great to hear how she will go out of her way to make people feel welcome wherever she is, how hard she works, and how she never seems to sit still. Now I know where I get my need to constantly be doing something from. Both Kathy and her mother (my grandmother!) are the same way. This had always seemed so incongruous with my adoptive family, who are very content to just relax after their day is done. This is not a bad thing, it's just something that was different about us. The story stopped when Kathy informed Paul that he had one minute to make his point, then 30 seconds, then his time was up. He took it in stride and wrapped up the monologue.
We wound up at Kathy's brother (my uncle) Bob's house. I got to meet his 3 young children and learn more about the family. Bob was glad to see me. At first, we weren't sure if hugging or handshaking was appropriate, so we shook hands. Later that night, we went for the hug.
Our day together lasted far into the night, wrapping up around 11:30 pm when we were all in the living room of my grandparent's house, cracking each other up. I was so amazed to hear people in my family laughing at my jokes instead of going, 'huh?' That fact alone gave me a new sense of comfort. I've always felt like something of an outsider when it comes to my extended adoptive family. They're very nice, but we never seemed to understand each other. The basic level of comfortability that I found with my birthfamily was something unlike anything I've ever felt. It was wonderful!
The next day I had lunch with Kathy and Paul. Per Kathy's suggestion, I brought my Goober, Andrea. Paul and Andrea hit it off right away, coaching each other in being the biggest clown. I had no idea what Andrea was up to when she kept saying 'higher, higher' to Paul. When the picture was developed, I learned that she was talking about the level of his hand as he put up two fingers behind my head. Punks, the both of them!!
The two days I spent with my birthfamily were like coming home for the first time. It's not that my adoptive family isn't wonderful, and there's no doubt in my mind that they were meant to be my family. But to suddenly find a group of people so similar to me and so ready to receive me was a feeling I can't describe. It was just wonderful.
Thanks to all of you for being so good to me,
Love,
Liz
See the pictures of the big day.
Back to the Waffle House
On to Liz's Ohio Adoption Information Page
You are visitor number since January 20, 1998, the day I finally got around to putting in a counter.