The Darkest Days

I started to write what I am about to say on my Healing Page but then I realized, it is really not about healing. It is about reaching the bottom of your life and trying to get back up. Some of you may think this entire webpage is about just that but it isn't. Not really. I wanted to share my story and hopefully help someone who is like me to open their eyes and not end up like I have. So with that said...here is another gutwrenching episode in the continuing saga of Talking to Tahlia.

I want to start by saying thanks to Sarae who inspired me to write this particular page. Thanks Sarae for not letting my courage falter even when I felt I had to quit.

Do you ever feel as though the world would be a much better place if you were not in it? It is a feeling I have faced almost everyday of my life for the past 4 years. Why? Well, most days when I look at my life I see very little to live for. I am in debt so far I wonder if I will ever see the light of day. Some of the debt is my own but a large portion of it was acquired right before and during my marriage. Unfortunately, I doubt I will ever see a penny my ex-husband owes me as he tells his lawyer he is paying me and I prove to mine he is not and somewhere in the middle communication breaks down and well, I just doubt I will ever see any money from him. I thought I would start feeling better when we separated but I don't, at least not that much. Let me go back a little way...

During my brief marriage, I attempted suicide not once but 3 times and since we seperated I have tried once. I had thought of killing myself on many occasions but I had never had the courage to try it. I knew I could not inflict pain on myself because I am a wimp so instead of slashing my wrists or something like that, I took pills. I tried many combinations of sleeping pills and muscle relaxers but all I really achieved was a goodnight's sleep. The first time I tried I thought to myself "I will go to sleep and I just won't wake up." I said goodbye to my dog and my cat, I asked God to watch out for my Mom and Dad and sister. I took a handful of sleeping pills (apparently not enough) and climbed into bed. I never thought I would wake-up, but I did. All I could think about was how I had screwed up once again. I even failed at killing myself! I went on with my life as though nothing had happened, no one knew but me and the animals so who would be any the wiser? I have never had a great many friends, I am a very quiet, reserved and private person. I guess I must be a good actress too because when anyone would ask me if I was ok I managed to convince them I was only tired. How many times I heard "It must be tough with Gary gone so much..." if they only knew I welcomed the times he was away!

Gary and being in debt weren't my only problems then. I had a job I loved and yet hated. I loved the work I did and the people I worked with. I adored the guys who owned the company. I HATED the manager of the location I was at. He and I butted heads quite often because he really had no clue what he was doing. Even he said that! The decisions I made were often backed by the owners and this did not set well with him nor did the fact the owners took me on buying trips and did not take him! About 3 months after my first attempt I had a particularly trying day at work and got home only to be yelled at over the phone bt Gary who was away at the time. I decided this time I was not going to fail. This time I would succeed. I took 5 times the amount of muscle relaxers prescribed by my doctor for the injuries I had suffered in my car accident. Guess what? Yep! I slept very well that night and I awoke the next morning groggy, but alive! I drifted through the next few months, putting on my happy face and wondering why I had failed yet again. In the mean time Rachel (mentioned in my wedding description) went to a doctor who put her on anti-depressants. I thought to myself "If she is depressed, what does that make me?" Rachel wasn't and still isn't depressed...she is OBBSESSED with every guy she has ever dated! Sorry, I digress...

Just before my birthday last year I tried once again to kill myself. I just felt like living was too much trouble, but once again I failed. Things between Gary and I were strained at best. I began spending the majority of my off time from work chatting on the IRC. I found people I could relate too, people who were lonely and needed a friend. I developed a reputation as a good listener and I was finally beginning to feel...happy? I felt like my life had a purpose, like someone needed me to be alive. I even talked a guy out of attempting suicide one night! I had an energy I had not felt in a very long time. Then Gary read my e-mail and well you have read the story I am sure...After Gary was out of my daily life I thought I would get better, I thought I would really start to get better. I didn't.

My work situation seemed to get worse by the day. I was taking on new corporate responsibilities and with each new task my relationship with my manager deteriorated a little bit more. After yet another failed attempt at suicide, this one leaving me with a lasting reminder of what I have done-my stomach burns most of the time from the pills I took eating away portions of my stomach lining, I decided 2 things. One is I must have lived for a reason. After 4 attempts without success, there must be a purpose to my life I have yet to find. Second, I decided I should look for work elsewhere and simply walked out in the middle of a meeting one day, never looking back. Everyone said I looked so much better and for a little while I felt better but...

I still find myself wondering if my life is worth living. What stops me from trying again? 3 things. Not too long ago I saw a movie about a girl with anorexia nervousa. One of the final scenes showed her and her younger sister making brownies. Her sister asked her how she knew she was getting well and the girl replied "I don't know that I am getting well. Every morning I ask myself 'Do I like me today?' and most days the answer is yes but some days the answer is no and those are the harder days to get through but I do get through them." I also think about my parents now. When Gary told my Mom I had tried to kill myself she said she was devestated. When she told my Dad she said he just sat and stared at the wall and said "why would she do that when she knows we love her?" The last but certainly not the least thing that keeps me going is Pete. I met Pete the end of February 1997 and he is the greatest person I have ever met! He writes me beautiful stories of how we will spend the rest of our lives together. He is always there for me even when all I do is complain to him. I cannot put into words the emotions I feel for Pete. He is my knight in shining armour and I am his angel. I love him like I have never loved anyone else and I never want to be without him. When my day is going badly all I have to do is think about him and everything turns around. I think this is why I lived.

"Do I like me today?" It was one of the no days but...I made through...=)

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Tears in Heaven by Eric Clapton