Awful Baby Names

from the IJMC

One of the most enduring Legends I've come across involves ignorant parents naming their child something ridiculous.

The most popular version of this claims that a woman named her daughter "Female" because that was "the name the hospital gave her." Invariably, female is pronounced "Fuh-mall-ee".

In this legend, words that are bandied about in hospitals are often attached to children because the parent "thought it was a pretty word." Thus, legendary children named Syphillis, Gonorrhea, Urine, and Vagina, spend the rest of their lives trying to live down the name their idiot parent gave them. Is there a kid out there named Syphillis? "We can't tell you," said Thomas Marginaw, Deputy Spokesperson for the Social Security Administration. "We only have a database of last names, so a search for first names would cost the taxpayers too much money." Let's all thank Mr. Marginaw for doing his job so conscientiously.

What about a baby named "Female" ? I thought I'd investigate New York State, to see if this unfortunate name would show up. Tom Smith, a Senior Biostatistician at the New York Bureau of Vital Statistics, sent me a list of every name given to a child in the State of New York during 1994. It was three inches thick.

In this statistical swamp I discovered the most popular girls names for that year. The second most popular was Ashley with 2,151 baby girls registered under that name. What was the most popular? You guessed it... 2,516 girls were named Female.

Are there really that many stupid parents in New York? No, here's the scoop. When a baby is born, the hospital is responsible for filling out the birth certificate. Often parents haven't decided on a first name for their child when it is born. At this point, even though they aren't supposed to, many hospitals put the sex of the baby down on the certificate.

That would also explain the 3,639 boys named "Male" as well. The parents then must change the certificate through the State. Some never do.

Were there any bizarre names in New York in 1994? YES!Weird names for Boys:Abba Abyss
Amen
Andrew's (note the apostrophe, as if the mother were reminding herself of who the father was!)
Apple
As-Matik (say it fast, you'll see what I mean)
Bear
Blade
Brando (8 different ones!)
Charm
Confession
Dwarf (I don't even want to think about that kid's childhood)
GQ (must have been a handsome lad)
Gal
Go
Godly
Gospel
Hey (makes it easy to call him in for dinner, Hey! Hey! HEY!)
Holy
Infinite (3 different Infinites, you do the math!)
Knight Sir Lancelot (I'm not kidding)
Lisa (A boy named Lisa?)
Nadir (which means "absolute lowest point", thanks Mom.)
Stalin
Stallone
Truth ($100 bucks the kid becomes pathological liar)
Unique (15 different Uniques, and one Uneek, which when you think about it, makes him unique)

Weird Names for Girls:

Alaska
Albert
Beautiful
Beautiphul (beautiful, but in a strange way)
Boat
Chaos (what were they thinking?)
Chevy (I mean, why not Saab?)
Chevette
Choice (as in, "If I had one, I'd have chosen another name!)
Cuba
Dynasty
Final (does this mean her younger sister is a mistake?)
Galaxy (hope she ain't shy)
He (a she named He?)
Infinity (I guess infinity is any gender)
N/A (as in, not applicable?)
Nada
Precious
Angel
Prince
Promise
Providence
Sin
Sparkle
Story
Symphony
Tall (you better hope she is, that's all I have to say)
Tangerine
Tequilla (this means Mom won't get upset the first time you come home wasted)
Treasure
Unique (15 of these as well!) Virgin (ok, so her name will be obsolete around her 16th birthday?)
Wednesday
ZC (I can't even begin to speculate on that one)

All of you folks out there have been inundating us with strange names since we started Urban Legends. These are just a fraction of the submissions we've received --Kids Christened with Crazy Names Another Girl Named FEMALE, Crazy Names, An Unfortunate First Name, Variation on Being Born FEMALE, Exotic Names for Infants.

In case you think New York is the only place to have bizarro names, I went to high school with a guy named Carter Nixon. His parents must have been hoping Jimmy Carter would lose.

Finally, believe it or not, there is a race car driver named Dick Trickle. Now that's just sad.

After this report, I feel lucky to have wound up with the name Caitlin
Of course, my mom also wanted to name me Ginger(Not lying- this is true!!)

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