"What do people mean when they say the computer went down on me?"
--Marilyn Pittman
"When you look at Prince Charles, don't you think that someone in the Royal
family knew someone in the Royal family?"
--Robin Williams
"A woman broke up with me and sent me pictures of her and her new boyfriend in
bed together. Solution? I sent them to her dad."
--Christopher Case
"I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because
it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive,
but I have photographs of her."
--Ellen DeGeneres
"A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. 'You know
a cow was murdered for that jacket?' she sneered. I replied in a psychotic
tone, 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill youtoo.'"
--Jake Johansen
"If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either."
--Dick
Cavett
"I have such poor vision I can date anybody."
--Garry Shandling
"Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can
find Kuwait."
--A. Whitney Brown
"I'm a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I'll forget."
--MichaelMcShane
"Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don't eat pork. I'm
sorry, what was that last one?? Don't eat pork. God has spoken. Is that the
word of God or is that pigs trying to outsmart everybody?"
--Jon Stewart
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