Never

Never play peekaboo with a child on a long plane trip. There's no end to the game. Finally I grabbed him by the bib and said, "Look, it's always gonna be me!"
-Rita Rudner

Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with something bigger and heavier.
-Anonymous

Never accept a drink from a urologist.
-Erma Bombeck

Never say anything on the phone that you wouldn't want your mother to hear at your trial.
-Sydney Biddle Barrows, the "Mayflower Madam"

Never say "Oops" in the operating room.
- Dr. Leo Troy

Never comment on a woman's rear end. Never use the words "large" or "size" with "rear end". Never. Avoid the area altogether. Trust me.
-Tim Allen

Never wear a backward baseball cap to an interview unless applying for the job of umpire.
-Dan Zevin

Never kick a fresh turd on a hot day.
-Harry S. Truman

Never drive through a small Southern town at 100mph with the local sheriff's drunken 16-year-old daughter on your lap.
-Anonymous member of a chain gang

Never invoke the gods unless you really want them to appear. It annoys them very much.
-G.K. Chesterton

Never use while sleeping.
-Instruction on Conair hair dryer

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