My life changed dramatically and drastically on the eve of 1995. I have been alcohol-free ever since that date.

Let's Rewind ...

My teenage years were wrought with angst, which is, as I understand, not uncommon. My childhood had been filled with the cruelty of other children who informed me of my ugliness and my inability to fit in. This continued as I grew. As a teen, I chose to vent my problems with the use of alcohol and other drugs (mainly LSD).

This began at age 17 and continued, on a downward spiral, until 3 months before my 21st birthday. The months prior to December 31, 1994 were the worst I've ever experienced. I was used, abused, and allowed myself to be this way because my self esteem was so low I didn't feel I deserved any better.

As fate would have it, my life was turned around because of alcohol use. I fell off of a friend's porch on that night. I would approximate the height of this porch to be about 5 feet off the ground, and beneath it was only concrete. My dead weight simply toppled head-first off of this porch, with the only witness being on acid and without his glasses. He said that I stood there, paused, then fell. I didn't trip. Apparently, I passed out. The party inside freaked out and managed to dial 911. I was covered in blood from my forehead and although I don't remember any of this, I was coherent enough to tell the paramedic who the president was.

I spent five days in the hospital with a really, really bad headache and a very distorted face. There were multiple broken bones in my face, but nothing that had to be repaired surgically. I was very fortunate, the doctor told me, that I hadn't broken my neck in the fall. I got some stitches then I was sent to drug rehab.

It was my experience, and not the drug rehab, that changed my life. I knew I couldn't drink any more. And I haven't.

 

September 1995 with Dagan in utero

Babies and Family

The day after my release I got pregnant. I was not interested in maintaining a relationship with the baby's unstable father so I was a single mom for 1 year after Dagan's birth. I met my husband the week before his first birthday and we were married (and I again pregnant) 1 year and 9 months later. My kids are 3 years 4 months apart and are definitely having a great time driving us crazy with love and with frustration. My family takes up much of my daily time and thinking. They, as a group as well as individually, have helped me realize many of the things that are important in life. Life itself is important, as is time, people, and taking care of yourself as well as others.

Kevin and Corbin, March 1999

Rebirth

After years of being sober and really uncertain as to what I really was after the alcohol went away, I began to rediscover myself again. I had stopped wearing makeup and jewelery soon after my first son's birth because I really didn't feel very attractive and I really lost interest in beautifying myself. I was consumed by raising my baby and beginning college.

Within the last year, I've really begun to show an interest in my looks and with this has come my renewed interest in body modification. I got a new tattoo and began stretching my earlobes. This been a means for me to express myself and beautify myself at the same time.

As my college career draws to a close, I am certain that I've finally found what I've been looking for. When I was young, I was always seeking to change the things around me to satisfy my need of not fitting in. Now I realize that I only have to change myself. I don't mean that I have to alter my body to feel good. I mean that change originates from within.

Me and Corbin in May 1999

I have had three major body modifications that I consider to be the most important ones. The first one was the fall that began my sobriety and the others are my pregnancies and births. They are also the most painful events in my life and the ones that have given me reason to change my lifestyle completely. No piercing or tattoo will ever cause me to feel the way these have.

The Future ... ?

My future is very uncertain. I would like to have another baby before I turn 30. I don't have a job secured after graduation, but I would love to work part time for a year or two (at least until Corbin is older). Hopefully when I work I will be able to afford all of the fun clothes and things I've been deprived of these last 5 years. I may go to grad school, but that is far in the future. Now that school is essentially over, I realize how difficult college really is. I think I must have been nuts to do it while having two small children at home. If I may, I think I am in awe of myself. I've come such a long way from the beaten down punk-rock 'ho I used to be. My mother always says she's proud of me, and I think I'm proud of me too.

 

© 2001 Monica Beyer