THE JOKE BOX
THE JOKE BOX
Here are some jokes we have received from our friends in the net. We'd like to share them with you to make your day a little more humorous.
DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
An Arab diplomat visiting the U.S. for the first time was being wined and dined by the State Department. The Grand Emir was unused to the salt in American Foods (french fries, cheeses, anchovies, etc.), and was constantly sending his manservant Abdul to fetch him a glass of water. Time and time again Abdul would scamper off and return with a glass of water, but then came the time when he returned empty-handed.
"Abdul, you bastard son of an ugly camel, where is my water?" demanded the Grand Emir.
"A thousand pardons, O Illustrious One," stammered the wretched Abdul. "White man sit on well."
A DAY AT THE BEACH
Two parents take their son on a vacation and go to a nude beach. The father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes and plays in the water. The son comes running up to his mom and says, "Mommy, I saw ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!"
The mom says, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are." So he goes back to play.
Several minutes later he comes running back and says, "Mommy, I saw men with dingers a lot bigger than Daddy's!"
The mom says, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are." So he goes back to play.
Several minutes later he comes running back and says,"Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw and the more and more he talked, the dumber and dumber he got !"
ANOTHER BLONDE JOKE
Julie the blonde was getting pretty desperate for money. She decided to go to the nicer, richer neighborhoods around town and look for odd jobs as a handy woman. The first house she came to, a man answered the door and told Julie,
"Yeah, I have a job for you. How would you like to paint the porch?"
"Sure that sounds great!" said Julie.
"Well, how much do you want me to pay you?" asked the man.
"Is fifty bucks all right?" Julie asked.
"Yeah that's great. You'll find the paint and ladders you'll need in the garage."
The man went back into his house to his wife who had been listening.
"Fifty bucks! Does she know the porch goes all the way around the house?" asked the wife.
"Well she must, she was standing right on it!" Her husband replied.
About 15 minutes later, Julie knocked on the door.
"I'm all finished, " She told the surprised homeowner.
The man was amazed. "You painted the whole porch?"
"Yeah," Julie replied, "I even had some paint left, so I put on two coats!"
The man reached into his wallet to pay Julie.
"Oh, by the way," said Julie, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari!"
FIRST CHRISTMAS JOKE OF THE SEASON
Santa was very cross. It was Christmas Eve and NOTHING was going right. Mrs Claus had burned all the cookies. The elves were complaining about not getting paid for the overtime they had while making the toys. The reindeer had been drinking all afternoon and were dead drunk. To make matters worse, they had taken the sleigh out for a spin earlier in the day and had crashed it into a tree.
Santa was furious. "I can't believe it! I've got to deliver millions of presents all over the world in just a few hours - all of my reindeer are drunk, the elves are on strike and I don't even have a Christmas tree! I sent that stupid Little Angel out HOURS ago to find a tree and he isn't even back yet! What am I going to do?"
Just then, the Little Angel opened the front door and stepped in from the snowy night, dragging a Christmas tree. He says, "Yo, fat man! Where do you want me to stick the tree this year?"
And thus the tradition of angels atop the Christmas trees came to pass........
A Blonde Joke
On a plane bound for New York the flight attendant approached a blonde sitting in the first class section and requested that she move to economy since she did not have a first class ticket.
The blonde replied " I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York and I'm not moving."
Not wanting to argue with a customer, the flight attendant asked the co-pilot to speak with her. He went to talk with the woman asking her to please move out of the first class section.
Again, the blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York and I'm not moving."
The co-pilot returned to the cockpit and asked the captain what should he do. The captain said, " I'm married to a blonde, and I know how to handle this."
He went to the first class section and whispered in the blonde's ear. She immediately jumped up and ran to the economy section mumbling to herself, "Why didn't anyone just say so?"
Surprised, the flight attendant and the co-pilot asked what he said to her that finally convinced her to move from her seat.
He said, "I told her the first class section wasn't going to New York."
Heavenly Team
Two older gentlemen were wondering if there was a baseball team up in heaven. They both promised that whoever got there first would let the other know of the situation.
Some time went by and one of them passes away.
About two weeks later, Sam contacts Bill on Earth and tells him he has some good news and some bad news.
"The good news is that there really is a baseball team in heaven."
"The bad news is that you are the starting pitcher on Thursday!"
Church Typos
1. Don't let worry kill you. Let the Church help.
2. Thursday night:Potluck Supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
3. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
4. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
5. The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
6. This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
7. Tuesday at 4PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.
8. Wednesday, the Ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will sing "Put Me In My Little Bed" accompanied by the pastor.
9. Thursday at 5PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become Little Mothers, please see the minister in his private study.
10. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.
11. The service will close with "Little Drops of Water". One of the ladies will start (quietly) and the rest of the congregation join in.
12. Next Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and get a piece of paper.
13. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday.
14. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
15. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
16. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
17. The 1991 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.
18. Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.
19. Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
20. Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.
21. The Senior Choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.
22. Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan who is preparing for the girth of their first child.
23. Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
24. The Lutheran Men's group will meet at 6 PM. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.
25. The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge -- Up Yours."
Jews vs Chinese
A Jewish man walks into a bar and sits down. He has a few drinks, then he sees a chinese man and punches him in the face.
"Ouch!" the chinese man says. "What was that for?"
"That was for Pearl Harbor," the Jewish man says.
"But I'm Chinese!"
"Chinese, Japanese, what's the difference?" And the jewish man sits back down.
Then, the chinese man walks up to the Jewish man and punches him in the face.
"Ouch!" the Jewish man says. "What was that for?"
"That was for the Titanic," the chinese man says.
"But that was an iceberg!"
"Iceberg, Goldberg, what's the difference?"
A Newspaper Clipping
When God passed out brains, I thought He said trains,
and I missed mine.
When God passed out looks, I thought He said books,
and I didn't want any.
When God passed out ears, I thought He said beers,
and I asked for two long ones.
When God passed out legs, I thought He said kegs,
and I asked for two fat ones.
When God passed out noses, I thought He said roses,
and I asked for a big red one.
When God passed out heads, I thought He said beds,
and I asked for a big soft one.
When God passed out hips, I thought He said lips,
and I asked for two large round ones.
God I am a mess!!!!
The Funny Farmer
A farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for a divorce.
The attorney asked, "May I help you?"
The farmer said, "Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorces."
The attorney said, "Well, do you have any grounds?"
The farmer said, "Yea, I got about 140 acres."
The attorney said, " No, you don't understand, do you have a case?"
The farmer said, "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere."
The attorney said, "No, you don't understand. I mean do you have a grudge?"
The farmer said, "Yea, I got a grudge. That's where I park my John Deere."
The attorney said, "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?"
The farmer said, "Yes sir, I got a suit. I wear it to church on Sundays."
The exasperated attorney said, "Well, sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?"
The farmer said, "No sir, we both get up about 4:30."
Finally, the attorney says, "Okay, let me put it this way. WHY DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE?"
And the farmer says, "Well, I can never have a meaningful conversation with her."
The Unemployed Actor
An unemployed actor is getting pretty desperate for work. He
happens upon this guy from the zoo who is
looking for actors. The guy explains that they spent so much
money on getting the habitat just right, they ran out of money to
import the ape they wanted. To save face, they want to hire the
actor to be that ape. Although the actor thinks this is pretty
stupid, he takes the job anyway.
The first few days, the actor just sits there thinking he doesn't
look real and that no one is stupid enough to fall for this stunt.
He gets bored and decides to walk around and examine his little
cage. With this, he notices that people are watching his every
move. He decides to give them a show. After a couple of weeks,
he's swinging on the poles and dancing around making a lot of
gorilla noises and is drawing quite a crowd.
One day, he's showing off for a group of kids. He is swinging
around and around a pole when all of a sudden, his hand slips and
he goes flying over the cage wall and right into the lion's cage.
Immediately, the lion gets up and walks towards him.
The actor backs up as far as he can, and screams his lungs out.
"HELP ME! HELP ME!"
"Shut up, you idiot!" the lion whispers, "You'll get us all
fired."
Do you have any jokes you would
like to share? Send them to me via 
and
we will try to publish it here.
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