I never imagined I'd be a victim of domestic violence. Even when I was young, I always stood up for myself. But all that changed when I was in college. I was attacked. For the first time in my life, I was unable to defend myself. My self confidence was shattered. That's when I met Jack. My first impression was, what a jerk! I should have paid attention. But at that time, I didn't trust my own instincts. Well, to make a long story short, I moved to Indiana with him 6 months after I met him. And that's when it started.

The first time, I left the lights on in the car and the battery went dead. He came in and woke me up and threw me in the closet and started punching me. I was in total shock. No one had ever beat me like that. Why didn't I leave then? Lots of reasons, some that I don't even understand myself. Shame. Fear. And he promised me over and over that it would never happen again and begged me to forgive him. I wanted so much to believe him. After all, he loved me, didn't he?

Well. the long and short of it is, it did happen again. More times than I care to remember. And at this point I had no control anymore. He took total control of my life. Where I went, who I talked to, everything. If I hadn't met Rosemary, I probably would never have gotten away. As it was, I barely escaped with my life. I don't know where Rosemary is now, but I hope she knows how grateful I am to her. I never got a chance to thank her.

You'd think I would have learned my lesson. But no, I went out and found another guy just like him. And spent the next 6 years in hell. Mike was even worse than Jack. The only difference was, he also would hit me with whatever instrument happened to be handy (phones, dishes, etc.). When he ran over my car with his (with my 3 year old inside), I decided to fight back. I went to the police. Even though I had a broken wrist and a smashed in trunk, they would only send us to night court to recover the $40.00 it would cost to fix my trunk! Nothing was said about the violence. He threatened to kill me if I showed up and the police said they couldn't do anything unless he actually hit me. So much for police protection. I felt as if I had no choice but to drop the charges.

The violence escalated until one day, he tried to slit my throat with a butcher knife (to this day, he claims he only wanted to scare me. It worked). I managed to escape and went to the police again. In order to get a restraining order, I had to have him arrested. The city prosecutor told me they would remove my children from the home ( I now had 2 ) if I didn't file, because I was putting them in danger! Never mind the danger I'd be in after he got out of jail. The prosecutor actually said to me, " if only he'd cut you."! You see, if a woman threatens a man with a knife, it's assualt with a deadly weapon, a felony. But if a man threatens his spouse with a knife, it's aggravated menacing, only a misdemeanor. Well, I filed in June, and they got around to arresting him when he was pulled over in November for a minor traffic violation. Guess who his second phone call was to!

Well, let's talk about court. Can you say farce? First he got a continuance because he didn't like his public defender (she wasn't at all sympathetic!). Then, when we came back before the judge in February, he said he was going to church and he would BE WILLING to seek counseling! The judge said that since there'd been no further incidents of violence, he was free to go. And if he stopped at the cashier's office, he could get a refund of his bail money! And people wonder why women don't go through the "normal" channels to get protection from their attackers!

I knew I needed help. I wasn't willing to go through any more beatings, and at this point, I didn't trust my judgement any more. So I decided to quit dating altogether and try to get my head back on straight. I called the local domestic violence shelter, Choices, and asked for help. I don't think I've ever had a harder time asking for anything in my life. They set me up with a wonderful counselor, Julie Withrow. I can safely say that without her help, I don't think I would have ever broken out of the vicious cycle I was in. It literally saved my life. And I also had the support of a very special friend, my cousin, Gwen. She stood by me, even though I know a lot of times she just couldn't understand my behavior or why I didn't just leave. But she was always there for me, as a shoulder to cry on, a rock to lean on. I don't know if I would have made it without her support.

Today, I am happily married to a wonderful man, and I can say with confidence that he would NEVER hit me. I learned a lot of things from counseling:

I know this probably sounds like a given to a lot of people, but believe me, these were hard fought lessons for me after ten years of being someone's punching bag. I will NEVER put myself or my family through that hell again.

I hope that in some small way I can help someone like my friends, family and the shelter helped me. I learned a lot, and I still carry most of those lessons with me today. I still think about what happened often. Looking back, I can't believe what I went through and the way I allowed myself to be treated. I've questioned myself millions of times about things I could have done differently or signs I shouldn't have missed. But it's easy to look back and berate ourselves about things we should have done. The challenge is to move on and to learn from our mistakes. I certainly feel as if I've come a long, long way.