First question: What is too late?
The answer: Too late is when he first hits you.
By that time, he will have conditioned you to blame yourself for his actions.
Remember that no one is responsible for his actions except for him.
Wouldn't it be nice if abusers would wear signs?
Unfortunately, they don't. And their actions at the beginning of
the relationship do not reflect what they truly are.
Men who abuse have control over their actions. However,
when they feel like it, they delibrately lose control over either small
things or imaginary things. Remember that he has complete control
over his actions at all times.
This guide will hopefully help you to avoid an abuser.
I'm not saying that every one that has these traits is an abuser, just
that a high number of abusers have these traits.
I've designed this guide based upon case studies of domestic
violence that eventually led to murder.
Bad sign: He claims that "you are the only one
who understands him"
Why: It's a combination pity ploy and appeal to
your ego. We all would like to feel special. But that's
just what he wants; for you to pity him and try to save him.
Bad sign: He has nothing good to say about his
past girlfriends, wives, ect.
Why: This is a sign that he cannot see his own mistakes.
He cannot evaluate himself realistically. Think back to all
your past relationships, you can see when you were wrong along with the
people you were involved with.
He claims he has an order of protection against a former
girlfriend or wife.
Why: Often when he has to avoid a certain person
because the restraining order is against him, he will lie and claim that
the order is against the person he has to avoid. However, check this
one out because he may have an order of protection against her.
Bad sign: He has a substance abuse problem.
Why: Many violent men have substance abuse problems.
They use drink or drugs in order to lower their inhibitions and as an excuse
for "lack of control". In other words, he delibrately gets drunk
or stoned in order to abuse.
Bad sign: He has a police record.
Why: Many abusive men have police records.
Their violence often causes them to be arrested over and over again.
If he indicates that he has a police record, try to find out for what.
And remember that those are the crimes that he was actually caught doing.
Often a record reflects less than half the crimes actually committed.
Bad sign: He is cruel to animals
Why: Animal cruelty has proven to be an indicator
of violence against people.
Bad sign: He plays too roughly with children
Why: This shows a tendency to escalate into violence.
If children are not willing to roughhouse with him because he hurts them,
then he may escalate into violence while "playing" with you.
Bad sign: He has suffered an accident that includes
brain damage.
Why: People who have brain damage can be violent.
And many violent people have become even more dangerous after suffering
brain damage.
That's the list of bad signs to look out for. If
the man you are dating has these charactaristics, he may be an abuser.
You may want to reevaluate your relationship with him, or even break it
off. Remember to stay strong and smart, and keep safe.
