a shallow dive into the heart of a hostage!!

January 5th, ninteen98
Happy new year!

allo. this is the about me page. i'm going to be obnoxious and selfish and just talk about myself. hopefully you might stick around to read this...

hi. i'm lindsey elizabeth. i live in brampton, ontario, which is a pretty crappy suberb of Toronto. here is my list of fabulous things...

i'm sitting here, eyes blank, entranced by the radiation of the computer screen, ready to pour my heart out to anyone and everyone who's willing to listen. The trouble is, i don't think there is many of you out there. In this, the age of anxiety (well, for me personally), i am slowly draining myself, (unknowingly of course), of my usual revolutionary zeal. I guess the name of my page, and of my new zine, (irregular youth revolt) doesn't really have much connection with alot of the writing contained in it, which is pretty laid back, questioning, and observatory. But that in itself, is myself revolting. I would say I'm revolting against myself, and my beleifs that i'm going nowhere inless i stand up and be loud and angry. Scream, Bitch! That's what my old page proclaimed. Oh well... we all have our moments. i wonder if this is a moment, or if that was a moment... ahh.. i'm getting pretty sidetracked.

Hmmm... maybe this'll get me in that
mood i'm longing so much to be in at this
moment. Hmm... it didn't work. did it get
you in the mood?

There are so many wonderful people out there in the big world. Oh, how i wish i could shed my self-conscious skin and give birth to a bright-eyes outspoken intellectual who can bedazzle everyone with her knowledge of the underground and of leftist theories. But, for the time being, i'll continue to be the same nervous and quiet little girl who smiles too much and sometimes starts conversations she's not prepared to finish.

If only we could see this many sunsets at once.
each one through a different persons eyes. When i fall in love
again i will enjoy countless sunsets through my loves
eyes. huh?

court: can you please state the patients prognosis for the court, Doctor?

Doctor: this patient is clearly coherant, but completely refuses to accept the realities of his enviroment.

and i sit here i had a good day but i sit here and break down because i can't handle what's going on inside my head? I wish i could just think less no, that's a lie. i wish i could just understand my thoughts like i used to.

saturday, october 11th, 1997

i worked today. i worked last night as well. i had to handle many many dead turkeys. it made me feel quite sick. especially when the juice splashed onto my apron. it was hard to keep my pretzels down. last night i went to a show. the animal rights group i am starting had our first meeting. thursday, october 16th is anti-mcdonalds day. the groups is going flyering through mcdonalds stores in our area. my exboyfriend was at the show. he had funny spikey hair. i couldn't help but laugh. a boy i have been crushing for exactly a year was there. i think he has a girlfriend. that put a booboo on my heart. my friends caroline and ian made me feel better by giving me lots of hugs. there are many wonderful people out there. my crush is getting stronger for someone else. god, i'm just looking for someone to love, and hang out with, to trade records with, to cuddle with, to philosiphize (sp?) with, to say i don't know to. the person i like alot now, is someone i admire greatlty. i dream about him alot. i think that's what made me realize i like him. but they're weird dreams, like him killing people, and pulling his pants down and stuff. odd. tonight i'm doing nothing. my brother and his g/f are probabaly going to have sex in the family room, he told me to leave. i'm going to try to write tonight. this is dumb i'm leaving now.

November seventeenth, nineteen ninty-seven.
As i was finishing up the long haul from the public to my home in the suburbs, i caught a glimpse of myself in the cold night. i looked down to see my shadow, stretching. stretching long and lean untill it snapped back at me. I woke up to a new world around me. I realized my present situation of utter joy and satisfaction. lying there beside me was... was...

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