My first pregnancy was what you'd call uneventful, though I consider every pregnancy to be special and miraculous. I was lucky enough to be referred to a practice that had both obstetricians and certified nurse-midwives--I knew absolutely nothing! This arrangement helped us feel secure. We looked for Bradley classes ( a friend had recommended them), but there were none in our area. We took a class that followed the philosophies of the International Childbirth Education Association (ICEA) at a private organization. I experienced very strong Braxton-Hicks contractions for several months before I actually went into labor, so at least I had a lot of practice relaxing! My labor started about 4 am five days after my due date. My contractions woke me up and I went to the bathroom. I stayed there for quite a while--it was much more comfortable. My husband was still sleeping. After a while, I went back to bed. Trying to get more rest, you know. That's what they told me in class. That didn't work, so I timed contractions for a while. They were coming 5-7 minutes apart. I decided I better eat something. My husband woke up as I was attempting to get out of bed.

"Are you sure?" he asked, then immediately knew the answer as he watched me walk unsteadily bakd to the bathroom. "Don't you want to rest a little more? It will probably take a while." I told him I was more comfortable sitting in the bathroom. After a while, I finally made it into the kitchen to make some broth. I took the hot broth back to bed with me, and managed to eat about four spoonfuls between contractions, deciding if it was this hard, I better call the doctor. I called the service, as it was only 6:30 am, and talked with the OB on call. He said go ahead and go to the hospital if we wanted. So, we notified my mother we were going, and unsteadily got to the car. John drove so carefully, yet I managed to feel every bump in the road! It was a bright, sunny morning, and we arrived at the hospital around 7 am, just in time for shift change. The elevator was full of nurses who fussed over me all the way to maternity.

Having nothing to compare labor to at the time, I'm sure I was probably overreacting to the sensations I felt, but at the time I just did what I felt I had to do. All the LDRs were full when we arrived, so we were put in an observation room with another laboring couple. I felt that this other woman could not possibly be in labor--she was chatting quietly while I was already moaning softly with the contractions. I was thinking, wow, this labor was really going strong! Half an hour later (it seemed like an eternity), they had an LDR for us. It was difficult for me to get out of bed to be wheeled a short ways down the hall to my room. Once there, I put on the hospital gown and settled into bed for the monitor strip.

My midwife was already there. No one had called her to let her know I was coming--she had been there for almost 24 hours already with other women. My water broke spontaneously during my first pelvic exam. 3 cm. I was encouraged to get in the shower for awhile, as the contractions were very strong. I didn't care for the shower. I didn't like sitting up, and I felt cold in the bathroom. I probably didn't give it a chance to work for me, but as I said, I was just reacting how I felt I needed to. Sitting on the toilet wasn't comfortable any more, either. Back in bed, I moaned with each contraction. One nurse suggested I stay quiet--I'd end up hurting my throat. I replied I didn't care--I HAD to do this. I don't think I was overly cooperative! :) Around noon, my midwife suggested a paracervical injection so I could rest. I was at 5 cm. While I hadn't asked for meds, I figured she wouldn't have suggested it if she didn't feel I needed it, so I accepted. Paracervical injections hurt! But the pain went away. I lay there with my eyes closed, listening to John talk with my mother. The nurses encouraged me to get up and sit backwards on a chair. Shortly thereafter, the meds wore off. The pain returned rather abruptly, and took me by surprise. I wanted the midwife there RIGHT NOW for another injection! I was holding at 6 cm. I was helped back in bed, and when the midwife returned from grabbing a meal, she suggested an epidural. I had decided beforehand that no one was sticking me in my back, but at the time, we agreed. Suddenly, everyone was mobilized for action. John and my mom kind of got pushed aside as the nurses gave me an IV and took my blood pressure. They hooked me back up to the monitor. The anesthesiologist had me turn on my side and curl up so he could insert the needle into the epidural space in my spine. It wasn't as bad as I had imagined, though curling up during a contraction was no picnic. In about 20 minutes, the pain was gone. I could still feel a muscular tightening with each contraction, but the pain was gone. I became pleasant. I talked with the nurses and my family. One of the nurses commented I was a pretty good-natured person when I wasn't in pain. I developed a fever, so antibiotics were added to my IV. But I felt better and could rest.

By 4 pm I was almost complete. There was a small lip remaining on one side. Finally, we were ready to start pushing! I didn't feel any urge to push because of the epidural, so John was put to work counting during my pushes. It took me a while to figure out what to do, since I couldn't feel the muscles. We pushed for two hours, trying as many positions as were possible hooked up to everything and with a numb body. The baby wasn't flexing its head to progress down the birth canal. The OB opted for a cesarean. Again, the staff rushed around. I was prepped and moved to the surgical suite. The epidural was unhooked for the move, so it didn't take long to wear off. They placed me on my back on the operating table, with my legs strapped together and my arms strapped out to the sides. I felt we were re-enacting the crucifixion! They were trying to locate an anesthesiologist to administer the medication. I don't remember anyone being in the room with me. I was trying my best to deal with the contractions, and pushing even though my legs were tied together. FINALLY, the anesthesiologist arrived, and re-administered the medication. My arms began to shake uncontrollably and I felt nauseous. John was finally brought in to be with me. He jokes now, "You never really know your wife until you've seen her bladder and intestines!" :D It really helped to have him there for moral support. I didn't feel the incision. It seemed like no time when I heard a baby's cry. I guess they found meconium in the amniotic fluid, so they whisked the baby out, my husband following. They did tell me we had a girl. I cried when I heard that tiny voice. Morwenna Elisabeth was born at 7:11 pm on May 22. John told me they took her to the nursery and suctioned her, he got to bathe her, and when she was wrapped up, he brought her to see me. She was so scrunched up! My pushing must have been quite an experience for her. She was all wrapped up in pink and oh so beautiful. 8 lbs, 11 oz. After 40 minutes of repair, I was wheeled back to the LDR room to wait for the meds to wear off. I finally got to hold Morwenna. She nursed easily and we never had any problems with breastfeeding. The best part of having the cesarean was the sponge bath the nurse gave me. It felt so good to be pampered like that after laboring all day and pushing, and then dealing with surgery. We went home happy.

My second pregnancy occurred rather quickly after the first. I read later that this is common among mothers who have unplanned cesareans. Some kind of subconscious attempt to overcome the problems of before or something like that. Or maybe it was just me. I remember talking about the next one as I was waiting for the medication to wear off from my cesarean. Wenna was only six months old when I conceived again. The pregnancy was routine, with the exception of two serious emotional losses at the beginning. I imagined this would affect the baby, but everything went fine. We went back to the same practice and hospital. The only difference was we were planning on an epidural right from the start, since it had made the last labor so much easier to bear.

I'm not sure when labor really began. I was three days past my due date, and my mother-in-law and I were going to a local farm to get corn to freeze. I had a few contractions while we were there and on the drive home, but I put them out of my mind. I had been going through these for weeks. We shucked and bagged the corn for the freezer. Later that evening, when my husband got home, we went to a friend's house and picked plums. Wenna was pretty mobile, being a little over a year old. We ate dinner after we returned, a good solid meal of rice and stir-fried vegetables. Everyone was visiting my mom next door while I rested in front of the TV.

The contractions got harder, and closer together. I decided it was time to go. I waddled next door and told John to get everything together while I called the service. We left the house about 9 pm for the hospital. When we arrived, I walked to labor and delivery. Altogether, I was much calmer this time, and was coping rather well. I rocked in the rocking chair for a while, then got in bed for a monitor reading when the midwife arrived. I was 3-4 cm. The contractions weren't that bad this time and so far I was coping well. We decided to go ahead with the epidural anyway, since the pain of crowning still frightened me. We waited until we were at 5 cm to call the anesthesiologist. It was about 11 pm. The midwife broke my waters before the epidural was administered. It felt like the whole Pacific Ocean was pouring out! The baby's heart rate went way down, and took a while to come back up. John said they were whispering in the corner about a cesarean when the heart rate started climbing again. While of course it was most important to get the baby born safely, I admit to fleeting disappointment at the thought of another cesarean. Then when the heart rate was normalized, we ended up continuing the labor. Without that water cushioning my contractions, the pain became very difficult to handle. I started panicking, and the midwife took over and coached me directly until the epidural kicked in. The labor progressed quickly. Looking back, the contractions were probably so difficult because I was entering transition. If I had had more faith in myself, I probably could have done it without the epidural. Before I knew it, it was time to push. We pushed for a little over an hour. Again, because of the epidural, I didn't feel the urge to push, and was directed by the midwife. When the baby crowned, I watched in a mirror, and reached down to touch the little head. The hair was like soft damp cotton. I'll never forget how wonderful I felt. A few more pushes, a huge episiotomy, and we had a baby boy. 9 lbs, 5 oz. John cut the cord after the baby was placed on my belly. What a quiet little thing he was. He just looked at us and soaked everything in. Callum Iver LaVerne was born at 1:52 am. A quiet child at a quiet hour. He is still quieter than the other kids. :) Poor John felt a bit pushed aside by the midwife. I had really hoped we'd be able to work together this time. The midwife seemed to be in a hurry for some reason. She rushed out as soon as she could. Callum was a natural born eater. John got me something to eat, and soon went home to Wenna. I had lost a lot of blood from the episiotomy--there was a bleeder that had been overlooked. I wasn't happy with the episiotomy, and had residual pain at the site for several months.

My third pregnancy had some difficulties. I changed practices and hospitals for one closer to home. At about 12 weeks, Callum elbowed me hard in the belly in an attempt to crawl over me, resulting in strong contractions and a bruised uterus. We went in for an ultrasound to check for an "attempted abortion." Baby and placenta were fine. Contractions continued for several weeks, however. My midwife had me apply a castor oil poultice on my belly several times a day because castor oil is supposed to be able to help bruising, even if it's internal. It did make me feel better! I also had migraines with this pregnancy and toward the end, a real problem with depression. This was probably my most medicated pregnancy to date, what with medicine for headaches, hay fever and depression. Besides that, however, we were fine. I had been studying childbirth education since my last labor, and had completed my doula training during this pregnancy, so I knew a lot more than I did with my other two. I was aiming for a non-medicated birth this time around, but was realistic, knowing my past history, and made decisions on what meds I wanted if I couldn't take it anymore.

You'd think with a third child I'd know when I was in labor. HA! I had a false alarm with hard contractions. It's hard to describe, because I knew what I wanted to say, but words would not come out. It was so frustrating! My reaction? I giggled. Pretty strange, huh? I called my two doulas to come over at 11:00 am, and tried to reach my husband at work. They didn't know where he was, as he was making client calls. I left a message, and Deb, Elle and I walked around the block. Luckily, my in-laws were here, so they could watch Wenna and Callum. John got home around 3:00 pm, and we left for hte hospital at 3;30. At the hospital, we were relaxed and had fun between the contractions. We rocked, walked, did nipple stimulation, and tried the shower a couple times as the hours passed. I was still at 3 cm. The midwife suggested breaking the waters, but I declined. She had a meeting she wanted to attend, so we told her to go ahead. We had plenty of support. When she got back there was a bit of miscommunication, and John had a rather heated exchange with her. By 1 am, we were all exhausted and I was still at 3 cm. The midwife suggested Vistaril mixed with morphine to help me sleep. I chose Vistaril alone, explaining if it didn't put me to sleep, then she could give me the morphine. She probably thought I was a terribly difficult patient, but we were onlyfollowing what we felt we should do. I slept well, and awoke at 7:30 am with no contractions. I was disappointed, but after talking to the midwife, we went home. I'm glad we didn't opt for breaking my waters though. Since this was just false labor after all, we probably would have had to try pitocin or even a cesarean if that didn't work.

Meanwhile, we were back at home. My hemorrhoids were so bad I couldn't sit down. I spent two days draped over my birth ball, hoping labor would start. I was still 8 days away from my due date by Saturday. We went to the Home Show to kill some time, and mild contractions began. they felt the same as always, so I tried to ignore them. I finally called the midwife around 7:30 pm. I took a bath, they continued. I ate, they continued. We went to the hospital for a labor check around 8:30 pm. Progress! I was at 4 cm now, 90% effaced. The nurses did an ultrasound because they thought baby was transverse, but it showed baby was head down and ready. We still had extra work to do, as both the baby and my cervix were still posterios. The other midwife was on call, and when we met with her, she suggested breaking the waters. We wanted to wait a while and try some other things first. She agreed. We called Deb and Elle, then set out to walk the halls. Deb got there about 9:30 pm, and Elle arrived about 10:15. I was at 5 cm by then, but stillnot really in "active" labor. It was still too easy. We walked some more. My family visited for a few minutes in the hall. It turned out that we were the only couple in the labor and delivery that night, so we had lots of room and attention. At 11 pm, I was at 6 cm, but the cervix was still posterior. This is normal during pregnancy, but itusually moves forward before labor begins. We labored on the birth ball a while (see above illustration), then went for a brisk walk between trips to the bathroom. My contractions were closer, but still not accomplishing as much as the midwife would have liked. She checked me again at 12:30 am. Today was my birthday! Still 6 cm, cervix still posterior. The midwife broke my waters, then we hit the shower. I was waiting for the increase in intensity. I was nervous about transition; I'd never gone through it without an epidural. How would I deal with it? What would it be like? John was helping me sound in the shower as the contractions got harder and more frequent. I'm really glad he was there; he was just what I needed. Finally, we were getting to be the tem we had wanted to be. He said just the right things when I needed to hear them and kept me on track the whole time. The contractions felt like my lower abdomen was being wrenched tight. It was really sharp and intense, and I could feel the stretching and the cervix changing position with each contraction. I lost complete track of time while we were in the shower.

I was getting tired by now, and wasn't sure where I was at progress-wise. I didn't know how much more I could take. I asked John if he could get the midwife to give me a half-dose of Stadal. I knew it wouldn't make the pain go away, but it would help me cope better between the contractions. He had me hold out a little while longer, supporting me all the time. I got out of the shower (it took a long time, between all the contractions!). They sat me on the birthing stool. I did not like it, and I let everyone know. :) I complained the whole time I sat on it. I could feel how it opened me up and how the baby moved down with each contraction, but I just couldn't find a position that was even vaguely better than the last. I leaned back into John, finally. I didn't want anyone to touch me; I kept asking to lie down. John and the midwife encouraged me, "just a little while longer." Finally, they let me get on the bed for an exam. It wasn't as comfortable as I had imagined, but at least i felt I was resting a little. I was at 9 cm! Almost there! Even I knew the midwife wouldn't give me any Stadol now. She did say I could have a littel fentanyl, which wouldn't take the pain away, but would help me relax for about 25 minutes. I said okay. She wanted to give me an IV anyway, as I wasn't drinking enough fluids. I thought I was terribly loud and thrashing around. Apparently this was when the baby was turning anterior, and my thrashing around was an attempt to help. Some part of me kept waiting for the pain to stop because of the med; it never came (of course), though I did find it easier to relax between the pains. So this was transition! Soon I felt this enormous surge--it must have been the urge to push. It felt somewhat good to push, but the stretching really hurt. I kept up a constant complaining, "oh god, it hurts!" I think it helped just to be able complain and know I was being heard. When I couldn't bear the stinging anymore, I breathed through the contractions. It finally got to the point that this kid was going to come out no matter what, and I gave a huge push. I had wanted to reach down to touch the head like I did with Callum, but I was just too busy! Next thing I knew, it didn't hurt anymore, and we had another baby. John said his dad was batting 1000, so I exclaimed, "We have an Ian!" His dad had correctly predicted the sex of each of our kids.

Ian was laid on my chest by his daddy, and we waited quite a while before he cut the cord. Ian was born at 3:03 am on my birthday. 8 lb, 15 oz, exactly one week before his due date. I had a small tear that required stitching, but no episiotomy! The stitches hurt a lot, though. The placenta was born with no problem. I couldnt believe I'd done it then, and I still don't, in a way. At the same time, I feel so strong and proud. I remember saying afterwards that I'd done it this way, next time I could use an epidural again, but now I know I'd do it the old fashioned way any day. The natural high you feel for the next several days is wonderful! I healed much faster after this birth thatn I did after my other two. My only complication was some pulled leg muscles. Who knew I'd be working so hard for the best birthday present of my life?

I experienced some symptoms of preterm labor with this pregnancy. I was on partial bedrest, and on meds to stop contractions. I was monitoring myself twice a day and sending the results to the Preterm Labor Center. My in-laws were there to help me out, and I had made several trips to the hospital already. Then, when I reached 36 weeks, I got a "wonderful" letter in teh mail from the practice I was with informing me that my midwives were no longer employed there. I was devastated! I loved my midwives. They had seen me through my last pregnancy and nursed me through this one. I just couldn't imagine not having them there. I immediately called one of them to find out what had happened. The news had been quite a surprise to them as well. This added to my stress level quite a bit, and I started making arrangements to switch to my family doctor for my prenatal care. I could not stay with any doctors who left patients in the lurch like this. Many women in the same situation got together, and we picketed the practice and got lots of news coverage. All this happened on eve of the grand opening of the new birthing center at the local hospital. These same midwives had been very instrumental in helping design the facility, and now they were being denied the ability to practice there.

My family doctor picked up my care without any problems, but it was very different. I was used to being an active participant in my care, and knowing all the basics like my blood pressure and urine content. Now I was told nothing, even when I asked. Did I need any more stress: :P

March 24, 1997. John had just gotten home form work, and sat down to watch the Academy Awards. I started timing contractions around 6:30, thinking that this would be yet another false alarm (do I sense a pattern to my life???). I wouldn't even be at 38 weeks until the next day. My mother-in-law made dinner, and while everyone else ate at the table, I ate in the living room draped over my birth ball. I was soooooo hungry! I ate two helpings of chicken wings and cabbage/banana salad. I would have eaten more! I had spent the past few days nesting--mowing the lawn and planting potatoes adn peas.

After I had eaten, I went to draw a bath. My midwives always had me check for false labor by relaxing in the tub. I paged my doula before I settled in, because I knew she was conducting a hospital tour that night. I wanted her to be on alert so she wouldn't go all the way home and then have to come all the way back. I took my bath. The contractions continued. Deb returned my call as I was getting out. I told her what was happening, and she said she'd stop by.

Through all this, John was trying to keep the other three kids busy and trying to get a little rest. He'd been up since 4:30 am.

Deb arrived about 9:30. We settled down on the couch and chatted for awhile. The contractions had slowed a bit--about 7 minutes apart. I put some Mozart on. She took a few minutes to change into more comfortable clothes. The contractions started getting harder. She started to rub my back--oooh, it felt so nice! A contraction started, good and hard--I felt a sharp shift near my cervix--OW--I jumped. When the contraction ended, I got up to go to the bathroom--and fluid was trickling everywhere. My waters had broken. Now we were getting somewhere! I called the doctor's service, and when she called back, she wanted me to go directly to the hospital. I told her I'd rather hang out at home for a while, but she insisted we go. So, we went. Gathering together our bag, the camera, bundling the kids into the motorhome, securing the house, all I worried about was leaking all over Deb's car. The contractions were much stronger without that cushion of water, and every few minutes I'd have to stop and lean over.

We finally got to Labor and Delivery around 11:30 pm. The new wing had opened just the week before, and was absolutely wonderful! There were two women already in labor, and they needed to get another nurse called in for us. We were set up in our room, I changed into a hospital gown, and sat on the bed for my baseline reading. In between contractions, we looked at the goodies in the room. It was large, with a big wood cabinet in the wall facing the bed that contained a TV, a VCR, a refrigerator, a microwave, and various pieces of medical equipment. A long padded bench ran beneath the window. The bathroom contained a jacuzzi tub. There was a sink in the room that was sloped on one side to allow easier bathing for the baby. A nearby drawer was filled with various tapes to listen to for relaxation. The only thing missing was my midwife!

About 12;45 am, I finally had an exam. I was at 3 cm. Sound familiar? We filled the jacuzzi and tried it for awhile. It was really annoying--there was no jet for my back unless I sat sideways. John stayed with me while Deb went to rest for a bit. The contractions weren't getting any easier and I was kind of cold in the bathroom, so we went out into the main room to use the birth ball. I admit I was a bit miffed that Deb was asleep--but I still had John, so I settled on the ball and leaned on the bed. John rubbed my back during contractions. John was so tired, he started dozing off. Part of me felt sorry for him, part of me wondered how he could possibly sleep with all the moaning I was doing, and part of me felt sorry for myself--how was I going to do this all alone? I started to stress out. I could feel the tension building up during contractions--I wasn't able to relax. I decided if I was going to have to do it alone, I'dbe better have the intrathecal I had thought about. When Deb woke up, I told John to go lie down for awhile. I told Deb I wanted medication. My brain wasn't keeping up, though--I couldn't remember the name! I mumbles something over and over about "that thing on the birth plan.... starts with an i....". Deb asked me if I was sure I wanted it--I had planned on having no meds. I kept repeating my request even after she had informed the nurse.

An exam showed I was at 4 cm. Apparently the anesthesiologist was on his way, but another woman was ahead of me. It wouldn't have been too bad if only I could have relaxed. If I concentrated on relaxing my back, my legs would tense up, and vice versa. Deb moaned with me, keeping me from getting too high-pitched. She rubbed my back, held my hand, encouraged me. All I wanted to know was what was taking that anesthesiologist so long!

Around 3:30 am another exam showed I was at 5 cm. John had gotten up, and finding out I was at 5 cm, went out to check on the other kids and update everyone on our progress. We had made such a great team during our last birth, but this time he was distracted. He was at a new job, he was tired, and he had a lot of other worries. Deb was trying every trick in the book to get me back on track. She finally got me off the bed with the promise of the anesthesiologist being on his way in. He needed access to my back, and wanted me sitting backwards on a chair. Somehow I got off the bed.

The next contraction I was a little grunty. Deb asked the nurse if I should be checked again. She didn't think so, and left to get the anesthesiologist. I never made it to the chair. I bent over the bed. UUUUUUUNNNNGGGGGHHHHH. Suddenly my center of gravity was different. Deb asked if I was trying to push. "I don't know---UUUUUNNNNGGGGHHHHHHH. Yes, the baby's coming." The anesthesiologist poked his head in, and promptly left. My heart sank. Deb maneuvered me back on the bed for delivery. Somehow I managed to climb back up. "Now turn around, Toni," she kept saying. "No, I can't. The baby's HERE." I stayed on my knees, leaning on the raised head of the bed. UUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNGGGGGGHHHHHHHH! Deb glanced between my legs and saw the head bulging. She ran to the door and screamed for the nurse. We were totally alone at this point. I didn't care who was or wasn't there at the moment. The baby was being born either way. The nurse came in, followed shortly by the doctor. Baby's head was crowning. "Breathe through this one," the doctor asked. "Hoooooo, hooooooo, I can't," I answered. UUUUUNNNNNNGGGGGHHHHHHH! The head was born. UUUUUNNNNNGGGGGGHHHHHH!!! The baby slipped into the world. I stayed where I was for a few seconds, not quite sure what had happened. Finally, I turned around and sat on the bed in what seemed like slow motion. The baby lay on the mattress. A girl. Slowly, I touched her hand, her foot, her head. SHe was making some grunty noises of her own. Deb cut the cord. The doctor took her to the warmer and started suctioning. Apparently, she was having a little difficulty maintaining her breathing. They ahve her some oxygen. I just sat on the bed, mildly interested. My fingers played absently with the umbilical cord that still protruded from me. It took me a litte while to assimilate what was going on--the labor was so fst and intense I had to catch up. I asked if she was okay, still playing with the umbilical cord. "She'll be fine," they assured me.

About this time, Deb went to find John. They must have passed each other, because he came in right after she left. At first, he thought he'd barged into the wrong room because there was a baby here. He'd been outside showing the Hale-Bopp comet to the ER staff. He was only gone about 20 minutes. Deb came back with my mother-in-law and my daughter, Morwenna. John and Wenna gave Ostara Sophia her first bath while the doctor turned her attention to me and the placenta.

OOWWWWWWW! The placenta came loose with a stabbing pain. I felt a gush follow it, but was still in kind of a daze from the birth. I found out later I lost about 450 cc of blood. She stitched up a small 2nd degree tear. Then I held Ostara. She was 7 lbs, 2 oz; 19 inches long. It was amazing to me how small she was. All my other kids had been big. She remained a little grunty in her breathing for the first 24 hours, but it resolved itself. She still had quite a bit of fluid in her lungs--she arrived so fast it didn't all get squeezed out!

All the kids loved her immediately. We stayed an extra day to monitor her breathing. I fainted on top of the nurse when I went to the bathroom. We all turned out fine, though. Next time: homebirth! :)

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