THE "BADTIMES" VIRUS ALERT

• It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer.



• It demagnetizes the stripes on ALL of your credit cards.



• It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR and uses sub-space field harmonics to scratch any CD's you attempt to play.



• It will re-calibrate your refrigerator's coolness settings so all your ice cream melts and your milk curdles.



• It will program your phone auto dial to call only your mother-in-law's number.



• This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank.



• It will drink all of your beer.



• It will leave dirty socks on the coffee table when you are expecting company.



• Its radioactive emissions will cause your toe jam and bellybutton fuzz, (be honest, you know you have some), to migrate behind your ears.



• It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine, all while dating your current boy/girl friend behind your back and billing their hotel rendezvous to your Visa card.



• It will cause you to run with scissors and throw things in a way that is only fun until someone loses an eye.



• It will give you Dutch Elm Disease and Tinea.



• It will rewrite your backup files, changing all your active verbs to passive tense and incorporating undetectable misspellings which grossly change the interpretations of key sentences.



• If the "Badtimes" message is opened in a Windows 98 environment, it will leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in Dangerously close to a full bath tub.



• It will not only remove the forbidden tags from your matresses and pillows , but it will also refill your skim milk with whole milk.



• It will replace all your luncheon meat with beef tongue.



• It will molecularly rearrange your cologne or perfumes, causing them to smell like dill pickles.



• It is insidious and subtle...it is dangerous and terrifying to behold.



• It is also a rather interesting shade of mauve.