THE MAMMOGRAM

This is an x-ray that has its own name because no one wants to actually say the word "breast". Mammograms require your breast to do gymnastics. If you have extremely agile breasts, you should do fine. Most breasts, however, pretty much hang around doing nothing in paticular, so they're woefully unprepared. BUT, you can prepare for a mamogram right at home using these simple exercises:

EXERCISE 1: Refrigerate two bookends overnight. Lay one of your breasts between the two bookends and smash the bookends together as hard as you can. Repeat three times daily.

EXERCISE 2: Locate a pasta maker or old wringer washer. Feed the breast into the machine and start cranking. Repeat twice daily.

EXERCISE 3: (Advanced) Situate yourself comfortably on your side on the garage floor. Place one breast snugly behind the rear tire of the family van. When you give the signal, hubby will slowly ease the car into reverse. Hold for five seconds. Repeat on other side.