The current midi file is
"Awsome God"
by Rich Mullins
What happened to me
Well, I was sexually molested from the time I was 3 years old. This was by a teenage neighbor. It went on until I was 5 years old. I finally told my parents then, and they confronted the boy and his father. My parents didn't handle it well. They were so upset that it seemed they were upset with me, and they didn't make it clear that they were not. I started thinking that I wasn't supposed to tell when something like this happened. This left me open for more abuse. Starting the next year, i was molested by one of my brother's friends. Because of how mean my brother was, he did not care. In fact, he let the abuser come into the house, and even made jokes about it. This went on from the time I was 6 until I was 10.It hurt me very badly, but not as badly as what was to come next. After his friend lost interest in molesting me, my brother started. This went on from the time I was 10 until I was 13 years old. It would happen anytime my parents went out, and even when they would be home. Because I was too scared of how my parents would react, I was unable to stop what was happening. If I tried to resist or make my brother stop, I would just be hit or thrown around. Although I am 6' now, back then I was much smaller and weaker than my older brother.
I didn't tell anyone for a long time. I was too scared at how they would react. And when I finally did tell people, it was only people that were my age who I knew wouldn't tell anyone else. I didn't trust anyone over 18. As I grew older, I also grew more and more depressed. It finally lead to being ready to kill myself. One time I was saved by a friend who talked me out of it with a letter and a tape. He happened to be a Christian and he sent me a tape of Christian music and it helped me through the hard times. Two years later I accepted Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior. A year after I got saved though I was back to being suicidal. Even though I had accepted Jesus, I still hadn't addressed the abuse that had happened in my childhood. It was a festering wound that was killing me, that I wouldn't let anyone touch and tend to it. This particular time I had to deal with my brother's return in 2 weeks for Christmas break. On Nov. 30, 1996 I just broke down and was ready to kill myself. I couldn't stand it any longer. Luckily, my youth advisor from church realized this, because she knew that I had been suicidal in the past, and alerted the pastor. My pastor, came to my house to talk to my parents. Again, they didn't handle the news very well. After he left, my parents interrogated me about what was wrong. They upset me very much with the lack of compassion and love that they showed me. After my parents let me go back to my room, I called my youth advisor, and told her what had happened to me as a child. I knew that she would understand because I knew that she too had been sexually abused as a child. I was also aware that she would then have to talk to my pastor, who would then be obligated to tell Children's Services. Taking this step was one of the biggest tests of faith that I have had in my life so far. I liked having control of situations, and I had to give that up and just trust that God's will for me would prevail and that He would keep me safe through all of this. I was so scared about what would happen or how my parents would take it, and what my brother would do when he found out...
Ok, what next?
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Well, if any of this sounds like something that has happened to you, then you need to tell someone. Find someone you trust, like a parent, clergyman, teacher, or neighbor. I know, this is the scary part! But rememeber, if you made it this far, you can make it through anything!!! If you are under 18, then that person should call your county's children's protective service. I know that sounds like something really bad, but it isn't! Trust me! I've been there!!! Children's Protective Services wants to make sure you are safe. You will probably have to go in to their office and talk to someone there. These people are used to hearing from children (and even teens!) that have been sexually abused. Don't worry, you won't shock or horrify them! They are very caring people and only want to help you!!! |
What happened to me:
Well, I'll admit I was scared. I had no idea what would happen to me. And to top it off, I was on the virge of suicide, so there was alot going on at my house! My brother was one of the people that had abused me, but he was off at college (I was 17 when I finally told) I told my pastor about what happened to me and the next day (it was almost midnight when I called him) he called Children's Services. The day after that, I had an appointment to talk to a person at Children's Services. I was SO scared! I wish someone could have at least told me what to expect! I was taken to a small room. Because I was older, it was rather dull looking room. Just a few chairs and windows along one wall. For younger kids, they had rooms with stuffed animals! They try very hard to make things as easy on you as possible.
The lady that was interviewing then just asked me about what had happened. Sometimes I had problems telling what had happened. When that started to happen, the lady just asked yes or no questions and I could just nod my head. That really helped.
After that, I went to the lobby to wait and the lady went to talk to my parents for a few minutes. I still wish I could have been a fly on the wall of that room! Anyway, since my brother was away, they decided to wait until he came home for Christmas to talk to him. We were told to give no indication that I had told what had happend. This way, he could not come up with any excuses or contact the other people involved and get their lies straight!
After all that, I started therapy. At first, my psycologist and I just worked on making sure I didn't kill myself. Other than that I really didn't get much out of it. Mostly because I am not good at talking about feelings, thoughts, and "fluffy" stuff like that. I just can't do it.
When my brother came home, my brother found out that Children's Services had found out what happened and that he had an appointment with them the next day. I later found out, that while they were interviewing him, they had a police investigator there. Although there weren't any charges pressed and he didn't go to jail (I think the little slime should have!), he did have to go through a class for sexual offenders the next summer.
I am glad that I told, because I was literally making myself sick by hiding at all. Plus, my parents had an explanation for why I never got along with my brother. And my brother found what he did was wrong and he got help to. Things aren't perfect in my family (heck, my brother is living at home again now that he has graduated from college), but they are alot better.
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Why Telling Is Transformative From The Courage to Heal : A Guide for Women Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse by Ellen Bass and Laura Davis
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So, the moral of this story is if you have been sexually abused, you NEED to tell someone!
Here is a copy of the letter that Children's Services sent my parents... I changed the names though, to protect myself from internet sickos and such...
I know that I have talked about some pretty desturbing stuff. So, if you need to talk, or you have questions, please email me! I would be more than happy to answer questions and help in any way I can!
Contact me on my comments form.