There's no denying it, sometimes we all just get in that kind of mood where you just want to be down. I know very few people in this world who can be happy and upbeat all the time. So, for all those times when it seems the world is falling apart, for one reason or another. . .

Always Wanting


Looking at you
hiding behind my cheerful 
mask
its not always easy
to smile.
To pretend that 
I don't feel the way
I feel 
when I'm with you.


The more I'm with you
the more I care
I'm falling in too deep
clouding the clear waters
of friendship
with the murky silt 
of something more.


Not quite love,
more than friendly
cameraderie
I'm not sure what I feel.


Yet, I know your heart.
There is no place in it
for me.
I can accept that.


I will not play my hand,
keeping close to the vest
my emotions dealt out 
with such abandon;
you need not know
what I feel.


Love is love, 
no matter the form;
a friend's love is better
than no love 
at all.









Lost


Hope rises and flares in my
eyes
giving my heart brief life
before crushing disappointment
despair
overwhelms my soul and I
fall
from the clear blue skies of love
into the dark stormy
waters of the lost.


For I am lost.
I am a prisoner of my darkest 
desires,
of my wants and unfulfilled 
dreams.
They float above me, 
mockingly
fragile as soap bubbles,
always dancing out of my
grasp just when I close my 
hands.


Surrounded by faces, 
yet I walk alone
seperate, always from
my brethern
excluded from some
great secret I can't
understand or comprehend.


Wandering, through empty hallways,
taunted by flickering images
of that which I most desire
yet I am empty
unfulfilled,
left hollow by the 
heartache and chilled by 
the indifference.


I throw my arms out in 
supplication, bargaining away
pieces of my soul, only to have 
my sacrifices mocked, 
accepted, yet rejected
as once again I am
denied, left with only the 
ruins of my
shattered heart.


I am lost.









Prayer


Who am I?  
What have I become?
Hateful, hurtful
embittered
by a soap oper of 
tragedies
that only make sense to my
soul?
Who have I become
to judge so harshly
to condemn with the fury
of the righteous,
when I've had no just cause?


My aching heart has swayed my 
deluded mind
irrational judgements I've
made, tortured decisions I've
declared, and enemies
conjured from thin air.
Who is this poor wretch 
who stares back from
the looking glass - 
a deranged and 
tormented Alice 
begging for release from
the hellish Wonderland
from which she is imprisoned?


I am ashamed of who I have become.
The vision I see is not 
me; rather, it is who I 
have let myself become - 
caused by resentment,
jealousy, anger, and yet, even
hate, and fear.  
All the lower emotions
of humanity have become
entrenched in my soul, 
leaving scars in 
their wake.


Father in heaven, I beseech 
thee, take this cup from me, 
for it is bitter, and I 
do not want it.  Take my 
scarred and wounded heart in 
Your hands and give me
rest. 


It is surely not what I 
deserve, but I beg forgivness
for my sins.
My concience is the cross I bear
as I wander in the dark.
Father, shine your light upon my 
face, that I may find my 
way home.
Turn not your face from me, 
but show me thy glory,
remake me in your image,
and lift me above the petty,
hurtful world.


Help me heal my broken soul.







Keeping Secrets


Why did it have to be you?
Why, of all available to me,
must I love you?
At night, your shade haunts me.
In my dreams, you hold me close
whispered promises
that fade into bitter reality
with the harsh light of day.


Too afraid to speak my mind
too afraid to lose your friendship
and trust.
I told you once how I felt
and said those feelings were no 
more.
At the time, it was all true.
I have moved on past
infatuation
to love another.


Yet, I found my feelings 
returning 
to you once more.
Another quandry 
devils me:
What to do with how I feel?
Should I stonewall my heart,
block off my emotions
veil my eyes so you can't see
the depth of emotion that 
lurks beneath?


I don't dare to hope that your 
heart will change.
I don't ask for you to love me.
I only ask that you be kind
and not reject me out of hand
or shun me, out of fear or loathing.
That I could not bear.


This changes nothing in our relationship
our friendship
can survive my wounded aching heart.
You will never know the true depth of 
meaning
when I say "I love you"
or know the bitter irony of those words.


You'll never know the ache in my heart
that lingers after you leave me
like the scent of your cologne
that invades my heart like an arrow
I bleed to death one drop at a time
with a cheerful grin
as long as you are near.


You'll never know, for I fear I'll
never tell . . . .




Betrayal



It was all a terrible mistake.
I didn't mean to read the damning letter
the one that tore at my soul, at my heart.
How could you betray me behind my back?  
Sharing confidences about 
ME
that I knew nothing of
that you needn't concerned yourself about?


Who gave you the right to so senselessly
throw off a 
judgement
of my character, as if I were a wayward child
and you some adult protector,
thinking in your vanity that you knew better than
I
about myself and what I needed.


You, who I loved above all others,
who I never would have thought
could have even conceived such a thing
your hands are stained red now,
with my hearts blood
as I weep
bitter tears at what was rent 
irrevocably
the tender bloom clipped before its prime.


You, who I trusted with the bosom secrets
of my heart,
I, who never trusted easily
yet placed my faith in you, 
sends a searing fire through my being,
burning up compassion, hate, anger, pain
leaving only the ashes of lost love
to swirl in the aftermath.


Soft tears welling, quenching the desert of my face,
I who said I would cry no more for you,
find fresh waters waiting over this latest
injustice.  
May God have mercy on me, 
and grant me a small portion of his loving
forgiveness,
because I have none of my own to forgive.


By Allegra






Torn




Staring out the window,
lanscapes passing by
fighting back the tears
that threaten to fall
as rain falls from the sky.


Thinking back on all the things
we've shared, together
the laughter, tears,
a special bond formed
never to be severed.


But now, cast away
like unwanted toys
I feel lost, cast adrift
in a sea of pain
while you find yourself.


What did I do to make you fear?
What have I done to change your heart?
Why have you turned from me
spurned, rejected
torn apart.


Once I had your love,
even in less than words and deeds
your best friend
I knew your mind
words fell like seeds


Planted in fertile soil.
For a time, they seemed to bloom
but after your heart changed
they began to whither 
neglected too soon.


Now, little more than friends
your chill manner freezes my soul
do you still love me?
Do you still care?
I can only feel the cold


Warmth no longer touches me
nor anger, laughter, fear;
my life like a barren field
where nothing will ever grow
all life has been seared


From my soul.
watching my life turn to dust;
I have no tears left
to cry, only watch numbly
only because I must.


Forever doomed to be shut away
locked out of your heart
as you tell yourself lies
to deny to yourself what you feel
knowing you're wrong from the start.


Will you ever return to me?
My arms wait, opened wide
aching for your touch,
your smile, your scent
I ache inside.


It's all to much
I can't take much more of this 
the loss, the wait
seems so hopeless
all I long for is your kiss


Find yourself soon, love,
and return to me
my heart breaks a bit further each day.
Have your flings, if that's what you need
but soon, open your eyes and see


Taht we belong together, you and I
you are a vital part of me,
and I of you
incomplete without the other
maybe, in time, you'll see.


I can only pray that God will 
bring you back, to my heart
into my arms
to home once more
never again to part.


By Allegra






Secret Love




Looking up to the star-strew sky,
I deeply sigh,
walking down the snowy road,
alone with my lonely thoughts.

Only time itself can ease the pain,
unrequited love, 
seeing you, hearing you with others
Yet you still never know.

Never realizing the depths
of my love;
always mistaking it for
something other than it really was.

How can I go on?
as merely friends
when I want so much more
than what I have.

Greedy, like a drunken fool,
I drown, 
in the tears of pain
wept each night alone.

Yet, through it all, 
no heed
you pay, mindless 
to what I feel.  

Should I scream aloud?
dare I 
brave the harsh light
of rejection?

But, sadly, I cannot
will not,
declare my love,
outloud for all to hear.

Content to stay in the darkness,
faithful servant to
my fear, yet still a slave
to my dreams and desires.

So, once again, I return to my bed
to sigh and dream
with sadness, of what could be,
of wishes to come true.

Wishing one day, truth
would dawn,
and fill your senses,
enlightenment at last.

For now, I rue the day,
welcome night,
bringer of happy dreams
as dreams are all I'll ever have.


By Allegra





>Heartbreak

The days pass like hours now, 
unnoticed and uncared.
seems like years since you left me,
to wander lost, in the rain, alone


How empty your promises now seem,
the sting of lost love
bleeding all hope from my heart
as I think with sadness of what I have lost


Was it all my fault?  Or were we both to blame?
two parts of equal folly, 
stubborn-necked pride,
all I knew was that you wanted out, wanted to be free


Time can only heal the breach
you've made inside my heart
I could have begged you to stay, but I would not,
could have begged for one last kiss, but could not.


You said maybe another day soon, 
we could be together again
another lie to raise false hopes, as I reel,
drunk on the wine of sorrow, the tears of pain.


How can I go on without you?  Whom I entrusted with my heart?
How can I live, knowing I've lost something so dear?
Can you feel the pain I feel, 
or are you so hard you feel nothing at all?


I pray that time will speed, 
in order to heal my wounded heart,
and pray that there are few scars
surrounding my broken heart.


In time I could love again, but for now the future is bleak;
you occupy my waking thoughts, and haunt my very sleep.
Do I taunt you half as much, with dreams of yesterday?
One could only hope, as I look with bleak, dry eyes, to tommorow.

 By Allegra 





To Mae



you exuded sweetness in such a subtle way
in your light brown eyes, in the little words you could say
so gentle and charming, so adorable and kind
a little angel on earth, that you don't often find
and your soul touched me
and your hugs were so tight
you were full of strength
cause each day was a fight
I am proud that I knew you
even if it was at the end
up in heaven be my guardian angel
be my special friend.

 By Bijou 





Hidden


Forgotten, as the grains of sand
fly by,
beating against the glass
in futile anger
railing against imprisonment


Much like I
in this forgotten corner of my mind
the anger surges forth
to bat madly against 
the walls of it's prison


Limply I lay, shallow breath
drawing a sigh
drained by the constant battle
to keep the rage inside
the murderous wrath


Must I fight always the 
rage, the pain
the urge to kill, to hurt,
as I have been hurt
wounded, wild animal


Sanpping in pain and confusion
at things I cannot see
keeping it at bay
another battle won
But who will win the war?


Will the beast give rise
to some more monstrous
inhuman rage
no control,
no fear


Will the human contain
the beast
inside, tame the reflexes
calm the raging storm within?



By Allegra





Remembrance

I hear nothing but the wind, as it rustles
through the tall grasses;
the bright summer sun beats down,
burning golden beams upon all it touches.
I am alone.  

Perhaps it was meant to be this way.  
You leave, your time to go on has come
and I know that it's for the best.
Yet my heart still greives.

I wish I could go on with you, but my place is here.
It's not my time to leave, not my time to shine.
Yet still, the pain is there,
no less real than the grief that shimmers,
lightly under the surface.  

You will be missed, my friend, more than you will know.
My hearts sings the language of sorrow and loss, 
yet also sings the song of peace and acceptance,
hoping your heart will hear, and respond.  You will
always be a part of us all, in our hearts, and in our very
souls.  

You will never be forgotten.

In memory of Curtis Brown - may the music live on forever.

By Allegra





Death

I see the bright sunlight
as it touches the still face
the lips so pale, so soft
now flaw there to marr the grace.

I feel the deep sorrow
carving through, like a knife
I'll never again see your eeys
far away from life.

The pallor of soft skin
a deathly white of hue
ears closed forever
to the sound of "I love you".

I touch your cold cheek
a tear rolls down, soft,
the pain once again fills me
as it falls to the blue cloth.

Once last loving look,
a truly final goodbye
as darkness closes upon you
the love between us never to die.

By Allegra  

The Choice

Distance seems to ease the pain
not having you by my side.
Knowing that you still care
Seems to rekindle the flame of hope.

Do I dare harbor this light?
THe tiny whick, so fragile,
allowed to burn
when I trimmed it so long ago.

Never again, I promised myself
to allow myself the pain
I've let you go, tried to move on,
but I find you're still in my heart.

What can I do?
I've tried to move on
but memeories haunt me
torment me with their sweet pain.

Do you still belong to someone else?
Or has your heart become true?
Or is it merely hope again
breathing false life into my breast?

Until the time I know for sure
the way of your heart
I can never fully let go;
I can never fully give up.

All this time, I've waited,
prayed, for you to realize
your heart
and either love me or set me free.

For until that day comes
I can never cleanse my heart
can never let you go;
you damn me.

Curse me, to a life of servitude
I am a slave to my hope.
As long as doubt can linger
my heart lingers, also.

Despite the ripping pain
despite the constant ache
I still belong to you
no matter the consequences.

Only you can set me free
though our bond will never end.
It can only change
but nothing will ever change that.

Our lives are forever linked
two halves of a whole
ever the same, ever changing
as time cycles on.

I've passed my test of pain
again and again
waiting for you, watching
you deny who are you.  Who we are.

Nothing will change the ay 
that I feel
though time may bank the embers
still, they burn

Never completely extinguished.
It's your turn now:
The time is yours
I can only wait.  

You will determine
the course of your love.
To be lovers, or merely
friends.

I stand aside, to let you
make the choice
as all my words
would fall on deaf ears.

You must choose,
I know this now
deep within
my heart.

But until you choose,
I'll be forever suspended
my sword hanging over
released solely on your whim.

All I can ask is speed;
to quicken your thoughts
to end this torment
ease my pain.

Yet, my heart knows
I cannot rush you
in this; so important
haste could bring disaster.

As all of the choices we make
this, of all, must be free:
Free to love, or free to spurn
all rests upon your shoulders, now.

I, the keeper of my heart,
can only watch, and wait
while you choose, and simply
hold on to that flickering flame,

My life, or my death.
await you, as you have
my heart in your hands.
Choose wisely.

That is the only plea I make.
Care not, for me, if that is your choice
but care for me, that you weigh
your decision with utmost care.  

You hold the key to life and death
all I ask is that you act not
in haste; or rage, or fear
look within for guidance.

Listen to God; it's his choice,
as well
to determine both our fates
and how we live our lives.

Choose wisely, love,
as I plant a phantom kiss 
on your far-away brow;
you choose not only for yourself

You choose for me, as well.
I will love you always,
whatever your choice
only you decide the form.

As the famed man oft said
"Do not go gentle into that good night,"
Do not go gentle into this. . .
Rage, rage, against all you hold true. . . 

To seek that truth within you.

By Allegra





Love and Lies

Sunlight streaming
Through the open window
Glitters fractured rainbows
Off broken glass
Lying around my feet.

Undaunted, forward I walk
Unmindful of the pain
The broken skin
That bleeds
Blood-red tears

In great torrents.
I feel none of it.
I know only the emptiness
Inside
Alone.

Yet, I pretend as well as 
The next,
Laughing, sarcastic wit
Hiding behind
A smile.

To feel is too damaging
Tis far easier to lie
Block all I feel
Hide behind a façade
And weep no tears.

Tears are a form of weakness
Cracks in my iron will
Showing the pain beneath
Frailties I can ill-afford
And do not want.

The fresh air calls,
From my high perch;
Blue horizons stretch
Beneath my mountain top
As the wind blows

Through my hair.
I contemplate my surroundings
As the wind tempts me to fly
Forget all pain
To fly.

But I'm not ready to end
To close my book;
There are too many
Unwritten adventures,
To few stories told.

Shaking my head
I turn away from the urge
I tear myself away from 
The blindingly beautiful edge
Back to reality.

"No more will you rule my heart",
I say, but know truthfully
I speak lies, even
To myself
Denying your hold over me.

Yet, my lies I must tell
In order to keep what 
Precious sanity
I may have
As you leave me little

If any at all.
Standing at the window
Amongst the fractured
Rainbows shining
In the sunshine,

I breathe the sweet air,
Fragrant, heavy
As my heart
As I prepare
Firmly,

Once and for all
To free you
From my heart.
Closing away the truth
For a darker day

When the only ray of light
I see
Will be the frail light
Of hope
In my darkest hour.

But will it sustain me?
Or will the malnourished flame
Flicker and die
To leave me stranded 
In the dark?

Much like you,
My guiding light
Left me alone
To grope painfully
Towards the dim gray light

Of solitude.
But I survived.
Scarred and toughened,
I went on, to live,
Rather than die

From your neglect.
Whether you change your heart
Is irrelevant, now.
The breach is made
That only love can heal.

TRUE love, not merely friends,
Is required, now.
Will I love again?
Truthfully, I cannot say
You will remain in my heart.

Regardless of the years that pass
Or countless love affairs
Though I may deny
And claim to love others
My heart knows the truth.

I will always love only you, for
Always.
Forevermore
But I close off my heart,
And set you free.

By Allegra



Empty

Walking slowly through the field
Sunflowers nodding sagely
Left and right
In their mad delerium
As I continue on alone.

Alone, yet not,
As my thoughts keep me comp'ny
Through the lonely hours
Of my self-imposed exile
Dreaming of you.

So far away, you seem
All but lost to me.
Ahh, but in my dreams,
You stay
Beside me.

I still love 
With all my heart
Yet; my heart begins to despair
Of your swift return
If at all.

Only time can tell
If you still feel love
For me;
It matters not - 
My heart will not change.

I've given up hope and prayer
God stands mute;
It's not his choice to make
Nor fate
Only you.

Yet, you still lie
To yourself
Still deny
Unless I dream
It's all still in your heart.

Pride taken over
I no longer will beg;
Like a starved puppy
For your affections.
I will remain aloof.

I couldn't go on waiting 
Pining my life away
I needed to live
Though it cuts like a knife
I can't cut you completely away.

For a part of you remains
And always shall;
Keeping a tiny ember bright
Of hope,
Keeping the fragile flame alive.

Walking in a field of broken dreams
Forgotten yesterdays,
Sowing the seeds of 
What might have been
And what could yet be.

I nod, sagely,
To the nodding sunflowers
And angle my face to the sun
Eager for the warmth
To fill the gaping hole

You've left in my soul.

By Allegra





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