The Green-Eyed Monster

February 6, 1998

Jevim was feeling restless this evening, and wanted to get out. I told him that was fine with me, and so he headed off before B5 came on, and I hopped offline as well, watched B5, then played some Civilization II. I hopped back on around 10 his time, not sure when he'd be back, and kept on playing. He got in around midnight or so his time, and I met him on IRC and asked what he'd done.

He said he'd watched B5, talked with Emma, and then wandered a bit. It was only after he mentioned going to Subway that I realized he'd wandered with Emma, and I felt a twinge of jealousy... she's there and can do things with him, and I feel like it should be me who is there. *sigh*

They're back on a level friendship now, and I guess I am just going to have to get used to it and grow up and get over the jealousy monster. It's not easy, though. Part of what makes it so hard for me is that I have no friends close by, who I can just hang out with and do things anymore. I used to have my friends here in town, but my brother warned me that he thought I needed to branch out and make more friends. Now look where I am... And I really don't know where to go to do anything about it.

Connie's coming up tomorrow, and doesn't have to go back home until Wednesday, so we'll be able to hang out and do stuff for a few days, and I'm sure that will help, but really, it's only a temporary fix.

When I think about it, the library seems like the obvious place to meet new people and make new friends... I like being there, and if I can get in as a volunteer in the computer lab, it will give me a chance to meet some new people, and be 'useful'

When I felt jealous over Jevim spending time with Emma, I told him about it, and unfortunately, it made him feel bad; he felt that he shouldn't have gone out and left me alone, but that wasn't what I meant to do. I just wanted him to know that it did bother me, that's all.

I know I told him once that I didn't want to stand in the way of his friendship with Emma, but I guess when it comes down to it, I don't want him around her, and not just because I want to protect him from her and her usual tricks. I need to get this worked out, I can't let it go on for long, or it's just going to wind up making things worse.

I sit here and try to think, "What if it were Annah, or Cammi, or Julia -- other female friends of Jevim's -- would it have bothered me as much?" and my answer, honestly, is "I don't think so." I guess what it boils down to is that I feel like "He'd rather spend time with Emma, then stay online and chat with me," and I know that's not the case at all. If it were anyone else, it wouldn't have bothered me anywhere near this much. But he went out with her, and had fun with her.

I'm not worried she's going to steal him away from me, she's not interested in guys, and even if she was, she's already dumped him once. Maybe that's part of it... "He'd rather spend time with someone who's hurt him, led him on, dumped him, than spend time online with me." I don't know...

All I know is that this has to be solved before we're together permanently. I can't do this to him... I can't ask him to give up his friendship with Emma (well, I could, and he might do it, but it wouldn't be fair of me to ask). But if I'm going to say that I don't mind if he's friends with her and does things with her, I have to mean it. I can't not tell him, and let it eat away at me; nor can I tell him and make him feel guilty every time. It really has to be okay with me, emotionally.

Solution? I wish I had one... this is not an easy thing for me; even after the way my former friends here in town have treated me, I don't even "strongly dislike" them, let alone hate them. But I do strongly dislike Emma, and I know it's only going to cause more problems, the longer this goes on.

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