Wednesday, May 27, 1998
2:04 AM
I've been reading before bed lately -- I just finished up Christopher Reeve's book a short while ago -- and I seem to be getting more and more back into the habit of staying up late at night. Since Jev isn't online in the mornings, and I usually don't hear from him until he's about ready to head out of work for the day, there isn't a great deal of motivation for me to get up early. I rather like staying up late when it's quiet and cool. Of course, it also gives me plenty of time to think.
Reading "Still Me" has made me see that, while I might not have the healthiest body and be able to do things that many people take for granted, I can still do a whole heck of a lot. I hadn't realized that after the accident, Mr. Reeve directed a movie for HBO, or that he's been so active in various causes. I'd heard of Circle of Friends because of a little girl who was the god daughter of one of my friends in the alt.cuddle newsgroup. She was paralyzed by an airbag in a car accident, and she made a small appearance in the special. Sadly, she passed away just about a month ago, when the shunt that relieved water pressure in her skull moved during the night while she slept and pressed against her brain stem. It seems so sad for someone to be taken so young, but now she is no longer trapped in a body that no longer worked for her.
Despite my physical problems, I'm not in a wheelchair, I'm not paralyzed, I haven't lost my vision, or my motor skills or anything along those lines. I'm a little slow on foot, and I tire easily, but dammit, I can do a lot! While there are times my health problems are depressing, there are times like these when I sit back and realize just how lucky I am to have what I've got, and be thankful for it.
The past few days, since my little trip to the E.R. Friday, I've kind of been caught in a circle of negative thoughts, wondering what health problem will crop up next, and worrying over that, over whether I'll be able to make the trip to see Jev. I wasn't looking for that book the other day at Wal-Mart; it just sort of called out to me. I picked it up, read the blurb inside the cover, and almost put it back when I saw the price. But somewhere in the cover blurb was a mention of the date of Mr. Reeve's accident... May 27... Memorial Day. It just happened to be Memorial Day, and so I went ahead and bought it. I'm glad I did; I needed the kick in the pants.
On an entirely different note, as Mom and I were walking out of the store, I saw a blue minivan parked in the first parallel disabled spot by the door. The personalized plates gave it away as belonging to my former friends. I looked back, to see if they weren't coming out of the store behind me, and the whole time Mom unloaded the cart, I watched to see if they were coming out.
Had they come out, I really don't know what I would have done. I can only guess that the kids might have shouted, "Look, there's Lis!" when they saw me, and what would I have done? Maybe waved... maybe. Their parents don't want me in their lives anymore, and I'm sure they don't want me in their kids' lives either. I'm glad they didn't come out; I was a bit stressed out for about half the trip home as it was. Someday, I imagine we'll run smack into each other and there will be no way to avoid it. I'm not looking forward to that day at all. It is a small town, after all.
Just the other day, while I was looking for the English paper I wanted to type in, I stumbled across a bunch of printed out e-mail messages, that Will and I had written back and forth, while I was up in Minnesota a couple years ago, visiting with my friends there. They're signed, "Miss you, Sis," "Love, Your Bro," "Your Siblings" and the like... I went back today and took them all out, with the exception of one letter that I had written back, when I was contemplating some important life choices, and threw them away. That time in my life is over, and after all this time has passed without hearing from them, eve if they came and said they wanted me back, I don't think I could.
It's hard to say that... it's really hard, because their kids were probably the closest I will ever come to having children of my own. I babysat them, I played games with them, I helped their grandma take care of them for most of a week while their parents took a vacation... they were family, and suddenly, I lost them. Because I wouldn't change ISPs to a service I wasn't happy with. How's that for a reason? I think it sucks, but that's life at times. Maybe some day, Jev and I can adopt, take care of Foster kids, or something. I truly adore children... their unspoiled, unreserved emotions, the way they come to trust you and love you... I would hate to think of living my life without experiencing having children of our own, even if I can't give birth to them.
Now you might understand why I try not to write entries late at night. During the day, I manage to keep up a good front, and even convince myself that I'm happy. After the sun goes down though, is when my mind starts to churn, and to think about things that sometimes I'd rather not. Nighttime is when my ideas flow fastest, and is probably the best time of day for story creation for me; I don't know if it's the quiet, or the dark, but there's something about it.
I wonder, when Jev and I are married and have a place of our own... he's not a night owl, and I don't know which will win the battle: my desire to write and create, or my need to be curled up beside him when he goes to sleep. Yes, my need... to lay beside him and listen as his breathing slows and he falls more deeply asleep, caressing the curve of his cheek, running my fingers through his hair lightly, or just cuddling as closely as I can without disturbing his slumber. After so many years and so many nights alone in my bed, I crave that closeness so much.
Sometimes I wonder... is that just me, or is it because of something I missed growing up? I remember when Mom and I were first on our own, we'd watch TV before it was my bedtime, laying side by side in her queen size bed, munching on granola and watching the Sonny & Cher show, or maybe it was Donny & Marie. That's really the only memory I have of ever being close to her. Later, when I'd go spend weekends at my dad's, I remember once or twice having bad dreams, and my sister (who was probably in her late teens or early twenties) letting me share her bed. Even later, Dad used to let me sleep in his bed, and I did that until I was maybe thirteen or fourteen, though I never told my mom about it. I just wanted that closeness, and actually, I wanted more closeness than I got, sleeping practically on one edge of the bed, while he slept on the other side.
I remember trips to Iowa from California, when I was in my early teens. Mom and I would spend a couple nights at Mom's aunt's, and we would share a twin bed. She would try to curl up and wrap herself around me, but by that time, I didn't want her that close... I no longer trusted her, whether it was because I felt betrayed when I wasn't told the truth about what they'd do to me in the hospital, or for some other reason that I no longer remember. It's sad to think about... in reality, I wanted closeness, but I just couldn't accept it from her. And I still have a hard time accepting it. I'm really screwed up in some ways, you know?
Well, this is probably a whole lot more than anyone wanted to know, and now you really know why I don't let myself ramble late at night. Though I'm beginning to think, maybe I should; just not in a public forum. But... if not for having someone to 'listen' to me, by reading my pages, I probably wouldn't even try to glance into the shadows lurking inside.
To my knowledge, I've never been abused... ever. I hardly ever even got spanked. So why am I so screwed up inside? And why, when I just stated a few paragraphs or so that I was feeling really thankful for what I had (healthwise) am I suddenly in this sort of mood.
Part of the answer stems from being away from Jev and not having him online as much. This evening, it just hit me all of a sudden how much I missed him. Actually, it's not so much 'all of a sudden' as it's been a gradual building up. I've been lurking on IRC under the nick of `lonelygirl recently, though I have only once gone into one of the big chat channels. I was messaged with offers from people to help make me unlonely, but they weren't the kind of people that I was looking to talk to. Age/sex checks upon first message are not generally promising. Anyway... I can't wait until I'm back with Jev in a couple weeks. I know I'm really needing it, and I think he probably is too. I'm gonna finish this before I start down yet another path of thought. Goodnight.
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