November 3, 1998
1:35 PM
There's one thing wrong with trying to be Lisana: it's impossible. I screw up, time after time after time. Yes, I did the 'open mouth, insert foot' routine, and I'm feeling really stupid for thinking I could make things better.
Part of me is tempted to say, "Okay, that's it. I can't do anything right, so why even try any more." But I know that's depression and negative emotions talking, and they're not exactly out to help me. So... I'll just lurk for a while and not get involved until my bruised ego and emotions have had a chance to recover.
I haven't screwed everything up, at least... Jev hopped back online earlier and he'd gone to talk to one of the departments about a missed interview, and ended up missing another interview, which was scheduled for today. The company the interview was with today really wanted to talk to him, and was willing to reschedule despite the missed appointment, but it means he'll miss his afternoon class, which I think he missed last week too. Anyway, he just wasn't having a very good morning.
We chatted on netmeeting, and just sat and stitched together (well, you know what I mean), and it sounded like he got to feeling a little better. I'd asked him if there was anything I could do to help, after having screwed up royally last time he missed an interview, and he just said not to try to give him any advice about how to avoid doing so in the future. I wasn't about to, having learned my lesson before, and it stung a little that he thought he had to tell me again, but I survived.
I deserved it anyway, after last time.
Right now, I just feel like I'm hardly any use to anyone. I just remembered I have chores to do, so I'll go do those, and I guess I should eat, too, since I haven't done that yet today. I hope it gets better...
Okay, I lied, I'm not going to go do chores just yet. I'm in a rambly mood, and so I'm going to ramble.
November came in with a wash of rain, fog, wind and just plain rotten weather. It even rained some on Halloween, though I really didn't care much, as I sat here in my room and listened to Jev sleep for much of the evening. I was tempted last week to buy candy and pass it out, but I put the bags back that I'd picked up at Wally World, and decided it wasn't worth arguing with mom over... not that I was going to make her buy the candy, I was just sure that she'd say it was a waste of time and money or something along those lines.
I could really use a day of sunshine... I think I need to recharge my batteries; PMS has really gotten a good grip on me this month, and I've been achy and crampy and just not feeling like I should. And the grey days just don't help any.
If it weren't for the fact that I actually did make some progress on that birthday present dragon cross stitch, and actually have a chance of finishing it in time, I think I would just crawl into bed and pull the covers over my head until Jev gets back from his interview, and dinner, and goofing off. I want to crawl into a hole and hide.
I was just writing in that message to the friend last night, how I'm always afraid of opening e-mail, afraid that the party on the other ends is going to say something that hurts. Well, I just read one of those e-mails, and the hurt was all my fault, for being stupid and thinking I could help. I can't. I'm not good at anything but causing hurt, so I'm going to go do my chores now and stitch for the next five hours or so. The worst I can do is poke a few holes in myself, right?
4:45 PM
The friend wrote me back, and said it wasn't likely anything I said, that she's just come to the end of her rope and doesn't know what to do. I have to be honest and say it doesn't really make me feel any better; I'm still the one who was 'the straw that broke the camel's back,' or at least that's how I feel. I wanted to help, and I only wound up hurting.
As if I wasn't already feeling crappy enough, Mom gave me a letter my brother in prison wrote to her, and he's feeling sorry for himself, too.... he got let go from his clerk position, that paid a couple dollars a week, and is back in yard duty, where he makes nothing at all, and one by one he has quit the four bands he's worked in, over disagreements and being made to do the grunt work and never getting anything in return.
I tried to gracefully avoid reading the letter, but she all but put it in my hands after I didn't pick it up when I went to pick up my bank statement. I didn't need to hear it... I really didn't.
At the end of the letter, he writes this bit that says "try to be happy for Lisana... I know you don't like being alone, but you can make friends if you try... sometimes each of us has to go their own way." So now I really feel like crap, and I don't even know why that should make me feel any worse. Mom has friends here in town, I'm the one who doesn't. But then, he told me a few years ago that I needed to make more friends than just the ones who stopped talking to me sometime thereafter. Guess who didn't listen? Or at least didn't make the effort to go find more friends.... yours truly.
The forecast tomorrow calls for partly sunny skies; God, I hope so...
