Sunday, November 8, 1998
Late Night
I have a problem: I can't talk. I don't mean that I'm mute, or can't speak... I just find it very difficult at times to have a real conversation with someone. Even with Jev. Especially when I'm put on the spot.
I don't really know what the root of the problem is, and I suppose trying to analyze it and figure out out would probably help me figure out how to deal with it, but it's after midnight, and Mondays start early for me, so I won't try to do that... for now. You can let out that sigh of relief now... *wink*
Sure, I can make small talk... and I think I can write fairly well, even if I do tend to babble at times; but when it comes to talking about current events, the future, or even just little things that are on my mind, sometimes I feel like I'm running into a wall. The words are there, but I have to fight to get them out.
It bothers me, because I know Jev needs to hear my thoughts and ideas, and not just read them here, or in chat. As I'm writing this, an image from a dream I had comes to mind. Jev and I were somewhere (I think it was at school), standing in the same hallway, and not three feet apart. But there was a wall of plastic or rubber between us. We could see and hear each other, and even press our hands together and feel the shapes of them through the wall, but we couldn't really touch each other... or hug and hold each other.
I feel like this barrier I dreamt of is my inability to communicate, and I know that it needs to come down, if Jev and I are to have a healthy and strong relationship that lasts. I'm going to mull the matter over for a few days, and maybe I'll come up with some ideas. I'll let you know if I figure anything out.
