Monday, November, 23, 1998
9:31 PM
expiate -- n. 1. to roam or wander freely
It's been an odd sort of day... not that that's very unusual, in my life. I woke up around 8:30 or so and spent the first half of the day with sporadic stomach cramps, payback for the way I fed myself over the weekend. Whether it was the overdose of chocolate, the leeks in the potato leek soup Mom made (it's gooooood but leeks are close enough to onions that my tummy doesn't approve), the horseradish spread I've been putting on my rost beef sandwiches, or something else, I can't say.
Mom asked if I would go to the grocery store with her, but I didn't think that was a good idea, so I stayed home and waited for the cramps to ease. I wrote an answer to an e-mail from one of my friends, but before I'd had a chance to send it, I got dragged away from the computer and dropped offline; when I got back, it was to answer the phone, and after I finished the phone call, my computer was still saying it was 10:52, though it was more like noon. Needless to say, I couldn't save the message, and I had to reboot the computer, and rewrite it.
I had a nice long chat this morning with someone who found me through my journal; we'd been writing back and forth the past week or two, and she thought it would be easier to tell me a few things about her experiences over the phone rather than by e-mail, and I'd say we spent a good hour or so, talking. She did most of the talking, but she didn't seem to mind, and I enjoyed listening.
After the phonecall, I made myself lunch (less horseradish on the sandwich today), and goofed off playing solitaire and surfing a little. My C++ class started today at ZDU, so I checked in there and read through the messages that were posted so far, and bounced back and forth between that and the end of Melanie Rawn's Sunrunner's Fire. I wound up taking the book out to the porch and curling up in the sun for an hour or so to finish my reading, then came back with the intention of doing my homework reading. Of course, Mom came in and reminded me about the flyers and stuff she'd asked me to do up, so I grudgingly did those, since she wanted them for this evening (she asked me to do them Thursday, so it was my own fault).
I did the flyers, then the homework reading, and spent the rest of the afternoon and evening surfing a bit, taking a bath and reading a bit of Marion Zimmer Bradley's Heartlight, and having a quick microwaved dinner and a bowl of ice cream (with chocolate syrup, of course... sorry, tummy!).
Jev called collect right at 7, since the hotel he's at wanted a credit card to place a $20 deposit on to use the phone for outgoing calls (argh!), and gave me the number where I could reach him, then I gave him a few minutes to get back to his room, and we talked for about half an hour. So far, he's not terribly impressed with the accomodations and such, but he hasn't had a chance to see the company yet or talk to anyone there... that'll all be tomorrow.
He asked if there was anything I might want him to ask about, and I suggested asking what winters are like there (Raleigh-Durham, NC), and we just talked a little about this and that. The subject came up of if we'll have to marry right away for medical coverage and such for me, or if we'll be able to wait and save up and have a big wedding, and he said he'd like to wait until we have some extra money for a honeymoon, and he has some time-off accrued... probably not until spring of 2000; honestly, I was hoping perhaps next fall, but I guess that's not really all that realistic, unless we just want to have a little ceremony, and leave the honeymoon until later.
I know that technically, it's just a piece of paper that says that we belong to each other, and proclaiming what we already know to be true in our hearts, but I guess a small part of me longs for that wedding day. I used to think that I didn't want a big ceremony, because I'd look stupid in a wedding gown, et cetera, et cetera, but... I guess that's not 100% true. Maybe not an elaborate gown, but a simple dress, and some of our friends would be nice...
There was a time when I thought I would ask my friend here in town to stand in to give me away, since it seems my dad has no interest in things, but that's been a couple years ago, and now I kinda wonder... maybe that's more of a reason for me to not be sure about having a big ceremony, than worrying about how I'd look in some fancy dress. I do like 'dressing up' now and then, especially for a special event; even if I do look a little strange to someone who doesn't know me. They're strange(rs) to me, right? ;)
Who would I have stand in to give me away? I dunno... I think Mom said several months ago that her then-sweetheart (she's broken things off with him) said he wanted to attend the wedding... he's a sweet guy and all, but I don't think even if he and Mom were still together, that I'd want him to fill those shoes. Who, then?
The first person who comes to mind is my uncle in Iowa. He's always been the embodiment of strength and stability and comfort, in my mind... sort of a surrogate father. When I was younger and we used to go up there for visits, he'd always tease me (in a way guaranteed to make me laugh), tickle me, hug me, take me out to ice cream along with my younger cousin; he taught me to crochet, and play solitaire, and he let me play on the laptop computer he'd brought home from work one time, while he and his then-wife and my mom went out for the evening (I was about 17 by that time, and not at all worried about being alone in their house).
That's not to say that I don't have fond memories of my dad -- I do! -- but, more and more it seems like he (dad) doesn't care anymore. Either that, or my wicked stepmother is intercepting messages and keeping them from him. Okay, so maybe I'm a little paranoid. She's a witch, to put it lightly. Whatever floats Dad's boat, I guess, as he used to say.
Anyway, Jev and I kept our conversation somewhat short, after our large phone bill enhancing file transfer session last weekend, and after we made our goodbyes, I curled up in my book again and read... at least for a while. It's a distraction, but only that, as I'm feeling rather lonely tonight... I could probably hop online and find someone to talk to, but I don't particularly feel like dredging up the energy to talk with anyone but Jev. I should stitch, but again, I don't really have the energy to feel like tackling the dragon for tonight, so maybe I'll just go read a bit more and have some herbal tea, and try to get to sleep early. Jev will be back online late tomorrow night, unless he gets bumped to a later flight, so we can talk more then.
I've rambled enough for tonight... take care...
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