Diana's Letter to the world.

I can not tell you how many times over the last 15 or so years I have wondered why he choose to abuse me, why he made me his victim, why he choose to abuse anyone at all?   

            I have spent countless hours being angry and hateful, crying, and feeling hopeless, I have hated him, pitied him, and even once in a while felt sorry for him.

              I have read book after book trying to figure out why you, why anyone does those things to a child, I have much more information than I had when it all started and I am still clueless. I accepted a long time ago that I will never know why you made the choices you made, in fact I have not even got the desire anymore to know why, that is for you to figure out and deal with, I don’t want to know anymore, I know enough.

         What I could not let go of was why my Heavenly Father let it go on for so long, why I had to suffer for so many years and why I am still to this day dealing with the issues that I have because of the abuse. All of those things that I have been told that are in the past and I should just leave them there, what most people don’t know is that the abuse is not just a part of my past, yes it happened a long time ago, but I still to this day carry it with me, it is never gone, it is there when I go to bed at night, in my nightmares, my body remembers the pain that my mind has forgotten, it is called body memories. It is with me every time I smell certain things, taste certain things, hear certain sounds. It is with me when I look at my children, or leave them with people, even those I trust. It is with me when I am alone with my husband, and should be able to enjoy being with him.

              This year I finally figured it out, the reason that I allowed to suffer for so long. This is what I want to share with you.

              This last year I met some of the most wonderful people all of whom are survivors of child sex abuse and or incest,  all have major problems, because of the abuse they suffered, some are multiples, some are homeless, and some have eating disorders. Others have extremely poor self-esteem, some believe all they are good for is sex. For others it takes everything they have just to keep them selves alive from day to day..

              I have never been homeless. I am not a multiple, though I thought I was at one time. Other than these two things, I have been at one time or another right were these people are, I have learned to deal with the issues, or am learning to do so now. The list could go on and on, of the issues that I have dealt with but I don’t think there is any reason to go on, you get the idea. This is why. I could not help them get through what they are going through if I had not been there first, I could not understand why they want to die, and give them reason to live if I had not been there first. I could not give hope, and a belief to them that they are good for more than just sex, and that sex is not love, if I had not first found that out. I could not be an example of life and love after childhood sexual abuse if I had not been there first. I am not saying that I am the first, to ever figure things out, I am not the only person who has a few of the answers, and I am not going to be able to help everyone who suffers, but I know that there is at least one, that can be helped by what I have been through.

              I have spent a long time keeping quite about the abuse, in part I think to give myself time to heal, and in part because I felt guilty saying anything, I did not want to do something that would hurt my family, my brothers and sister, now that they are old enough to take care of themselves, and make there own choices I want everyone to know and understand that I am proud of what I have made of myself, that I don’t want to keep my life a secret anymore, and I have no intention of doing so, I am speaking out!

              I have a web page, a support group, a book (in the works) and a foundation (in the works) all titled Healing Hearts.

               I hope that someday these things will reach millions of Men, Woman, and Children, that I can use my life and my experiences to make a difference to the world. To let people know that this kind of abuse is happening, and will not be tolerated any more. I want to be an example to others who have been abused to show them, that there is life after abuse and that just like me, they can Heal their Hearts!

              I am making a choice to leave behind all the anger and hate and replace it with understanding and peace. I am making a choice now to make a difference.

              For the first time in my life, I know why, I have a vision, and a purpose, I have been given a gift from my Heavenly Father and I have every intention of using that gift to show the world, that there is hope. 

              In my story I have been as honest and as true to my memory and life as I could be, I have added truths to my story that I have never told anyone before, nothing in my story is made up, and not every thing about my life has been said, many things have been left out.

              Some people may say that this is vengeful on my part, and some already have, but that is ok, years ago, they would have been right, but not now. I am not doing this, to hurt anyone, I am doing this because in my heart I know it is what I have to do, it is what I was ment to do.