I think I have a piece of edge, then find that isn't it.
Fragments, shreds and pieces are everything I know;
No sense or continuity, they melt like falling snow.
Little specks and glimpses, a story left unread,
The fear that haunts me in the night, the terror and the dread.
The cuts that bled, the purple bruise, fell off my bike once more;
The dreams that wake me in the night, phantoms beyond the door.
We all have something tucked away that seems so very bad,
But I don't know what's hidden there that makes me scared and sad.
Did I just imagine once, or have a childhood dream,
Or see a scary movie that made me shake and scream?
There's something real that's hidden there, too awful to seek out,
Too scary and unspeakable, that's what it's all about.
What I do know, I cannot say; no one else may hear;
It goes beyond acceptable; real trauma creeping near.
I need someone to love and care, reach out and take my hand,
And give me strength to bear the things that I'm too weak to stand.
Respect my code of silence, please, don't ever ask to know;
You're safer never knowing things that only I must know.
With your own memories tucked away, I doubt you've crossed that line;
Your fears are likely commonplace, while far much worse are mine.
Why do some things that never were seem very, very true?
The house I lived in as a child hangs painted on the wall;
But memory's just a photograph; no truth can I recall.
The things that should be real to me are lithographs in time,
And what seems awfully real to me are thoughts that have no rhyme.
Sometimes I wonder who I am, and how I came to be;
I look into the mirror and don't even know I'm me.
Whose child I am I do not know, the memories ebb and fade;
The pieces fragment off and then, it's all a game I played.
Where did I live and learn and grow and end up who I am?
It makes no sense at all to me; is all of life a sham?
There's no one who can verify the things I've buried deep;
There's no one who will evewr know the secrets I must keep.
What's real was never really real; what's true was never true;
Distorted memories lost in time, a glimpse but no clear view.
A tangled tapestry to weave, no anchor to hold still;
I don't ha
I'll act mmy way through every day and try to hide my fear.
A fear that no one else can feel, a loss that's mine alone;
I can't turn back the sands of time, can't ever go back home.
When I was a child, I thought like a child,
I knew nothing of hatred and pride.
With the innocent love that was my gift from God
I threw tension and bias aside.
I revelled in love with no doubts and no cares;
A warm loving touch was my joy.
In my own little Garden of Eden I grew,
Full of wonder, the world was my toy.
But one day in my childhood a voice loud and clear
Spoke to me as to Adam was spoke:
"Leave childhood behind and begin to grow up."
And my bubble of innocence broke.
I learned that some people were bad, others good;
I learned to conceal my real feelings.
I learned not to lie or to steal or to cheat,
To use ethics in all of my dealings.
I learned I must act in appropriate style,
And to show due respect, not be pert.
I learned all too much about sorrow and fear.
Oh, God, why does growing up hurt?
As my years added up and I learned to conform,
I forgot dreams of innocent wonder.
My baggage became heavy burdens of guilt,
And life's joy was all being plowed under.
Yes, I was successful, a winner, employed,
I had earned my B.S. and B.A.
I owned my own home with a car in the drive;
I could do pretty much as I may.
I knew how it hurt to be falsely accused,
And to hide my worst fears with some pills.
I knew of abandonment, loneliness, fear,
Deprivation and terror, strong wills.
I was all grown up now and no longer naive;
I knew when to fight and to yield.
But in some distant corner amid all my thoughts
Were the lilies that grew in the field.
The lilies could grow with no fear and no shame,
With their roots grounded firm in the dirt.
They never bowed down, never worked, never cried.
Oh, God, why does growing up hurt?
Alcoholism, estrangement, and hurt,
Night terrors with no one's safe arms;
Anxiety, acting, evading the truth;
These are some real adult harms.
But they say that the pleasures can outweigh the woes:
Have a drink, place a bet, buy esteem.
I had all these things, also freedom and friends,
But where was my sweet childhood dream?
Worldly knowledge is a high price to pay,
And I knew somehow something was wrong.
I knew too much of sadness and little of hope;
The road to success seemed too long.
I wept bitter tears and I looked at myself,
And I prayed to God, "Teach me to care."
Though my life as a woman was busy and full,
Some special small part wasn't there.
I wish I could say I saw heavenly flame,
Heard a great voice commanding, "Convert!"
But this didn't happen, no vision or call.
Oh, God, why does growing up hurt?
But something did happen, small, quiet and still
When God's great love came into my soul.
He spoke to me softly and said, "I love you.
My child, make my kingdom your goal."
As I entered the kingdom of God as a child,
Once again full of innocent wonder,
I dropped my defenses, threw worries aside,
And wept tears of joy at God's splendor.
I learned not to fear being awkward or wrong,
To ask questions, to reach and not gain.
I learned to love others the way Jesus loved,
And to share in their joy and their pain.
I know I'm not perfect and never will be;
Hope is much more important than things.
In God's loving dominion I'm far from grown up,
But I'm learning the joy that it brings.
I know as God's child I shall not be alone;
To God's love and God's grace I'm alert.
Once again I'm a child, on a journey of faith.
Oh, God, why does growing up hurt?
On this journey of faith with the kingdom my goal
There is one thing I learned above all:
God wants me to be the best me I can be;
He will lift me up if I should fall.
I can better love others by first loving God,
And accept my own weakness as well.
When the spirit came into my life and my heart,
I found joy that no hate can dispell.
I found hope for a future in life and in death,
And the courage to stand up for right;
To walk in the steps that our Lord Jesus trod,
To not fear the darkness of night.
I made my mistakes as I reached out and tried;
I stubled as I learned to walk.
I met with defeat and with selfish esteem
And intolerant people who balk.
But the joy was so great and the peace so serene
When the spirit of God filled my cup,
That the cares of the world kept their own proper place.
Oh, God, help your child to grow up.
God, help me keep growing in your special way;
May my life always be something grand.
I accept the high price of your kingdom, oh Lord,
And on this I shall make my stand.
Teach me patience and hope; let me grow in your love;
Help me spread your good news to all men.
Let me never lose sight of the wonder of youth,
And the newness of each dawn again.
Help me grow in forgiveness without being asked;
Make me gentle and helpful and kind.
Teach me respect for all women and men;
Let me seek, and please help me find.
Let me laugh at myself and be always just me;
Let me leave the world one small bit better;
Help me guide someone else to new meaning in life,
Let me break cruel reluctance's fetter.
Let me grow as a person in your holy light,
Let me never tear down, but build up.
Make me your minister, healer and child.
Oh, God, help your child to grow up.
