I felt like I had been living a dream when I moved in with John. I quit drinking and smoking pot, which wasn't that hard to do because I didn't have all the stress that I had while living at home. Things were a little nerve racking at first, not knowing if I had been reported as a runaway or not. I finally called my dad after about a week and talked to him. I don't think he was pleased when I told him that I wasn't going to come home, but I did find out the we had nothing to worry about with any law enforcement being involved since he never reported me as a runaway.

Things were basically heavenly living with John and his roommate, John (no, that's not a typo, his roommate was also named John). I gave and received love for the first time in my life. I remember that we had this arrangement, since I was only 16 and could not go out to the bars with him, he would go out with the guys on Friday nights and Saturday nights would be our night and John always took me out to a movie or dinner.

Then one day, about a month later, John (the roommate) came home early and said that he shouldn't be telling me anything, but he thought that I should be prepared for the news. For a brief moment I thought of a lot of things, but I never imagined what I was going to hear next. He proceeded to tell me that John's sister in Guam died and since John was the only one in the family available to go back and take care of the arrangements and her kids he was going to be going back to Guam. I was stunned and could not believe what he said, but when John came home early my heart just sunk to the floor. I didn't tell him that I had already been told about the situation and sat there and listened to it one more time in disbelief. One of the first things I thought of was, O.K. I'm sure that he won't be able to fly out for a few days or so. WRONG. He was leaving the next morning. I couldn't sleep that night I was sooooo upset. I kept asking John when was he planning on returning, that I would wait. He kept telling me that he didn't know when or if he would ever be back. I remember him walking out the door, I didn't want to close it because that would mean that he was gone. No not again, please don't let this be happening!!!! my heart cried out as I was once again falling to pieces.

After John left I knew that I needed the pain to stop! So, I did the only thing I knew to do and that was to find a party and get as messed up as I could. That way I wouldn't have to feel.

I had two weeks to find another place to live and the one thing I knew was that I was not going back home, so I called everyone that I knew in Vallejo and finally found a place. This guy that I met during my C.B. days had said that I could stay with him. I had learned from John's roommate that I could apply to get my SSI survivors benefit send directly to me. Knowing this I was able to offer some money to stay there once I got things straighten out with SSI.

My dad protested the claim for the SSI benefits to be sent directly to me and I called him to ask him why and we came to a compromise. I would go once a month and pick up my check at his house. I couldn't refuse because I felt that this was just my dad's way of seeing for himself that I was o.k. When I went to pick up my first check my dad said that I was always welcome to come back home, with restrictions. I wanted to give him back my house key but he would not take it, so when I was in my room getting the last of my belongings I laid it down in the middle of my bed as a walked out. I knew then that I didn't even trust myself and didn't want my parents involved with anything that I may get involved with down the road.

The next few months are a blur of moving from house to house, drinking a lot, smoking a lot, and finally finding the one thing that took away all feeling. Crank, which is a powder amphetamine that I shortly learned how to inject. Once I got involved with this the people and place that I hung around with where a different breed and things started going from bad to worse.

Every few months or so I would call John's sister-in-law and see if she had heard from John. She always told me that he was doing fine, wanting to come back, but not having enough money yet. I always held hope that he would some day return. I remember the last time I talked to her she told me that when they were taking John to the airport he hardly talked and when she asked him what was wrong, he said that he was really worried about me. This was the last time I talked to her, it was to painful to hear those things. I know she was doing it to let me know how much John loved me. I think the most pain was out of not knowing if he would be back or not.

I finally found a place of my own that I could afford in Vallejo. It was a one bedroom house overlooking Mare Island. The first thing that I noticed was that the place was haunted. Honest, it wasn't the drugs. You will get a chance to judge for yourself because I am going to write a story about it in the near future.

Things were fun at my house, people were in and out all the time and I had live bands come and perform on the weekend, but the neighbors didn't like that to much and I had to stop. You could hear the music three blocks away. About this time I got into illegal activities to support my habit.

Then one day I realized that the law enforcement was getting ready to close in and I found a job with a carnival and left town with them. I just left with the clothes on my back and a few things in my purse.

A traveled around with the carnival for a couple of months and started to feel homesick. I knew that I couldn't go back to Vallejo, so I thought that I would just go up to Angels Camp and visit Michelle's sister Cindi and her husband for a couple of weeks until my dad could send my check and then I would rejoin the carnival. I called Cindi to see if it was o.k. for me to come visit and if they would pick my up at the bus station. She said that was fine and was looking forward to seeing me.

Once I got up to Angels Camp with them they started asking questions about what I have been doing and all. They soon learned about the whats and hows of the past year. They didn't want me to go back to the carnival and offered for me to stay with them and go back to school. I was ready to get back to some normalcy, so I quit drinking and using drug and went back to school.

The surprise to me was that I just needed a few more credits to graduate. This was surprising because I only went to school the first month of my senior year and this was now the last month. I worked really hard and got the credits I needed and I graduated from Vallecito High School (continuation actually). Since there were only two of us graduating they did the graduation ceremony with the class of Brette Harte High School.

Things were starting to look up, I had graduated and in a couple of months I would be 18 years old and I would be able to get a few thousand dollars from my mom's insurance that was being held by my dad until I turned 18. I could also get my drivers license, my dad wouldn't sign for me to get one after I ran away because he would be responsible for me. And it would be time for me to look for my own place. I knew that this time would be different, I was away from all the influence in Vallejo and I only had a few beers and smoked a few joints since I had been in Angels Camp.

I decided to write John a letter, his sister-in-law had given me his address one time and said for me to write him, but this was to painful for me to do in earlier. I wrote to him explaining that I was soon going to get some money and I would pay for him to come back to the states if that was what he wanted, the only thing I ask in return is to see him one last time. I never got a response, but I was able to start putting him behind me and looking toward my future.

By the time I turned 18 I had a summer job through a government training program, working for the California Department Of Forestry in Altaville as a secretary and I really liked it. Shortly after that I found a place to live in a nearby town called Tuolumne. It was a very small town with an Indian Reservation nearby. I loved it there, it was so quiet and mellow there. My best friend, Karen, from Vallejo was going to move in and share the rent with me, she also needed to get away from the fast lane and the elements of a big city.

I just knew that Karen and I could change our life and live normally here in the foothills, away from it all. Well, at least I was able to think about it, but in a few weeks all that was going to change.