Living into Loving

I had dinner with an 86-year old Sister recently. We have been friends since I entered. While sipping wine, she talked about her experiences of falling in love. She said, "I have only fallen in love twice in my life, once with Sister ____ and the other time with, well, I won't tell you that one." She continued, "As great as these loves were at the time, I have come to realize they were only a shadow of God's great love for me." I was deeply touched by her trust in me to share this sacred information. I am more that half this Sister's age. I could identify with the falling in love part, but realized in that moment that I am only beginning to understand God's love for me.

How I love conversations like this and the freedom they provide to cut to the chase and get down to the heart of what is important. My Sister shared a great deal with me that night. She owned and celebrated her loves, and she affirmed my love experiences as well. She encouraged my continuing effort to integrate my love experiences into my celibate commitment.

Afterward when I returned home, I reflected on our dinner conversation. I thought how healthy and holy falling in love can be and how scandalous I have too many times made it out to be. It saddens me a great deal to think of the many opportunities for growth I have thwarted because of fear of loving and fear of sexuality - my own and others. I had operated under the notion that I could keep my sexuality at bay while diligently attending to my spiritual life. Sexuality and spirituality were like water and oil. The two had remained separated for many years of my religious life.

I never knew the depth of love I was capable of giving or receiving until I fell in love with another woman. With this experience came a myriad of questions. I began to question my celibate commitment, my relationship with God and my relationships within community. My mind was not only filled with wonder and excitement about this new experience but with soul-shaking questions about life, religious life, celibacy, sex, and God.

God knew I needed to have such an experience to ask these questions and try to figure out the answers. I am almost certain I would never have asked the questions, had I never allowed myself to fall in love. I am certain the answers will take a lifetime to come.

Falling in love has been deeply growth-filled for me. Not only did I feel really wonderful about life in general (that's what happens when you're in love!), but finally I began to realize, as said so wisely by my 86-year old Sister, this love is only a glimmer of God's love for me. The experience wasn't scandalous, rather, it was a beautiful gift-experience of God.

My life is much richer because I allowed myself this opportunity to grow. I choose religious life, not only for the women in my community whom I love and with whom I share life, but because God has opened my heart to glimpse just a glimmer of her great love for me. I am becoming a celibate lover. I wasn't made celibate on the day of my profession. I am, I hope, living into loving.

My prayer for all women religious is this: May you never refuse an opportunity to learn to love - it will surely draw you closer to your God. And, please talk to your older Sisters. They haven't made it this far in religious life without having fallen in love at least once. Perhaps you and they will be graced with a sacred conversation over dinner that will affirm your experiences of loving someone deeply and knowing God's presence in that loving.