What is it I want to say here...I think I will
just start..please bear with me.
The Lord has really been good to me and my family.
We have had our trials and tribulations--mind you.
But, on the
whole - HE has guided me through it all.
March 8, 1984, 3pm - Thursday afternoon---I was dusting a coffee
table in the living room and my husband was asleep
on the couch in the family room. When all of a sudden
a very COLD breeze--chill--I don't know,came
over me...I stopped what I was doing--confused--where did that
come from? (Actually,never gave it another thought until
the phone rang at 6:30 that night)..I
answered and
it was my brother-in-law
I could hear my sister screaming in the background.
I ask what was wrong and he told
me to give
the phone to my husband, I said WHAT IS WRONG???
Give the phone to Lee, he yelled..I did
My daughter was listening on the other phone
and started crying. I WAS SCARED,,,what is it???
She couldn't answer -- only look at me and shake her head.
Finally, Lee tells me, he was very shaken.
'Your brother has shot himself.' IS HE ALRIGHT??
No, he answers....Oh, my dear God, how are we going to tell
Mom and Dad??? (The day a black hole of my life started.)
The cold chill I had earlier?????It was at the
EXACT time my brother committed suicide.
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Mom and Dad had been to visit BJ the weekend before;they
said he was in a very good mood. Now,
my sisters and I
had to give them the terrible news. We decided to
meet in town and go to the house together..They knew something was
wrong when we all showed up. I can
still see my dad sitting on a kitchen chair
- mom standing beside him. I told
them BJ had an accident. The questions in their eyes.
I just said no, he isn't ok. I watched the disbelief come over
them and I watched the light go out of my dad's eyes.
The next few days are a blur as are the next few years.
My dad's health went downhill fast. He died 6 years later,
but,the last 3 were
bad..Mom, well, she kept it in.
Me, I went into a deep depression for 4 years--I was in a dark room--
couldn't find the door--let alone a light. Every day for those 4 years
I would get up thinking of doing the same.
I had it planned where and how. Pray - no, I didn't..Mad at God.
I don't think so, didn't think about Him.
I went on antidepressants, but, they didn't solve my problem -
only - covered it up. When the refrigerator door handle became
a permanent fixture in my hand-I stopped taking them.
A tragedy in 1987 woke me up,,I call it God's way of waking
me up..He was always with me, talking with me
--I wouldn't listen..Those years were miserable. It still hurts today.
SUICIDE- why? - don't think we will ever have that answer.
It takes a lot of guts to do yourself in...BUT, it is the coward's
way out. The one's that suffer are the ones left behind.
BJ left behind a 3 year old little girl..
we never got to see her again
until this summer..She is now 16
and has been pretty messed
up. Mom kept in touch with her all those years and her
mother finally sent mom pictures 4
years ago...We wanted mom to see her granddaughter
-but, we lost mom
3 months before BJ's daughter came.
You go through so many emotions after a suicide.
You 'never' get over the tragedy. You learn
how to live with it.
-----------------------------------------------
Mom and I became very close after losing BJ
but, the devil had a hold on me. I still ignored the Lord.
When dad died, mom turned to me for help; I
did the best I could for her. I just existed through
life.....problems?? you bet--many...But, even though I wouldn't listen
JESUS
was there, talking to me.
We didn't discuss religion in my family, not, that
we didn't believe-just didn't talk about it.
I got to the point of taking one minute at a time.
It will be 2 years this July. I asked JESUS
into my heart. We knew by this time - mom had cancer.
I worried over how to talk to her about salvation.
I PRAYED AND PRAYED...I asked questions at bible study.
I talked to mom about our bible study and she was
very interested. I bought her a new bible, which she read.
We talked about Jesus and salvation. She talked a lot
with Pastor Jay, a true friend to her and us.
Finally, on March 11,l997 at 2pm in her hospital room.
MOM WAS SAVED!!!I prayed that I would be there
when she decided to ask Jesus in and I
was--along with Pastor Jay.
Mom died 1 week later.
------------------------------------------------
I thank the Lord, I talked with her.
I thank the Lord - HE was gentle with her.
I made the decision that I want to help in
some small way with the Lord's ministry.
I have decided to become a hospice volunteer.
I can help those in pain and in need.
I plan to witness to others-asking the Lord for his guidance.
I know He will be there - because He has NEVER forsaken me.
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