Was feeling a bit melancholy the other day, and I wrote the following on the back of my schedule at work. Figured this was the best place to put it, so here it is.

Sometimes, when I'm alone, I become very frightened. Not that I'm alone much anymore, and when I am, I find ways to occupy myself so that I don't think too much about what scares me. That is finding myself without means to take care of myself. Becoming homeless and destitute. Being alone doesn't fill me with terror as I thought it would. I have become much more at peace with myself.

I haven't cried since February 21st. I thought that March 30 would find me sobbing amongst the photo albums. Instead, I went to the park, rented a movie, went out to lunch, had fun with some friends. I'm starting to accept his abandonment without feeling anguish and misery. Now, I can look at the past with a sorrow tinged smile. I think the time for anger and tears has passed, and the time for healing, growing and moving on has come.

Though I have someone to care about, and who cares about me, I am not trapped and bound by them. More like a fringe benefit to my new life. I learned how to laugh again. I feel young again. I learned how to enjoy life again. And, most surprisingly of all, I remember how to love again. I learn so much each and every day. And I'm still learning. I don't want to sleep anymore. Time was when I wanted to sleep and never wake up. I can't wait to get out of bed now. Every day holds something new, exciting or fun and I revel in each moment. They are precious jewels to me, to treasure and care for.

But sometimes, when I'm alone, I get scared. Afraid that this happiness will be gone forever at the slightest inkling of disaster. That if I even contemplate the worst, it will all come falling down upon my head. Still, I look at it in short bursts, trying to plan for what may ulitmately happen. I lose my job. I'm so terrified of losing my job due to layoffs that it literally makes me ill to think about it. Goddess help me if that happens.

In the meantime, I smile and enjoy each day, each hour, each minute, each second, in case I lose it all and have only memories.

So, there it is, what I think about every day of my life. Some days I think about it more than others. But, as I said, I try not to, and to just live in the moment. So most days are good. Talk to ya later.